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Advice needed. He wanted a break, is this an excuse?


Chloej123

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I have been with my boyfriend for 5 months. Things were going okay at the start. He then went on holiday, and I saw he met women over there that he followed on social media. Of course, this bothered me.

 

After he got back, our conversations seemed shorter and we both started to pull away a little. He then said he feels like we’ve gone stale. And that he felt through out the relationship it was him putting in more effort than me. At the beginning, this is true, but only because it took me a while to trust him. Which I later ended up not being able to given his very active behaviour on social media.

 

He got back from vacation a few days ago, and said he wants a break. He said he still likes me, but feels the spark is absent at present. He said he wants to go on a break and needs ‘space’ to see if he misses me. Of course, this has hurt me really bad. We have now had no contact for 4 days.

 

How will this play out? Can a relationship ever really work after a break? Does anybody have any similar experiences?

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Sounds like a nonsense excuse, perhaps going on the guys holiday has made him realise he wants to be single. I would cut my losses at 5 months and move on personally.

 

I second this. Five months in—and I say that as a man who just crossed the five month mark with his girlfriend—should be pure honeymoon stuff. The rocket engines are still switching on, gurgling and growling, the rocket soon to take off and transport you both to mysterious lands unknown, together. Not the time when you go from boyfriend/girlfriend to engineers trying to repair a broken rocket.

 

Talks of "breaks?" Of "getting closer" by "some time apart"? That's the stuff for five years in, and even then it's a Hail Mary tossed up out of fear, attachment, and some strand of emotional dishonesty swirling around in one of both hearts. Success rate is low, you know?

 

I'm really sorry you're going through this. Hurt is hurt, and I know this hurts. But even in your brief post I can't help but feel like you two haven't quite clicked authentically in your short time together. When you didn't trust him, he was hard on the gas. When you surrendered a bit, he withdrew. Seesaw stuff. A lot of the time, with some clear eyes, that reveals itself to be incompatibility.

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I'm not feeling good reading anything about this person and I don't feel he's treating you well. His behaviours point towards someone who isn't self-actualized (doesn't know what he wants) and he doesn't know what commitment or relationship means (a bit too flighty and impulsive). All red flags to me.

 

If you're looking for someone more level-headed this isn't the person for you.

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We had a lot of good times but also arguments and he was very jealous/controlling too.

 

Ick. So, well, look at what's happening. Instead of missing him during even the briefest of breaks you're kind of seeing him—and what you had—through lens not fogged over by attachment.

 

Arguments? Jealousy? Controlling stuff? No, not after five months. This is the foundation-building stage, and already your foundation is crumbling. Keep building on an iffy foundation and you end up living in a shoddy house.

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A break after just months? You've got to be kidding.....

On top of that you have jealousy, fights, controlling behaviors.....vacation and other women.....

Do you really need us to tell you to drop this guy like a hot rock?

 

My guess is that you got lost in the whirlwind, intense attention, way too much time spend together, high pace, high pressure vortex and feel like this is way more of a relationship than it actually is. Reality is at five months, you should still be dating, enjoying getting to know each other and only have eyes for each other. This isn't it. It's a hot dramatic mess. Walk away, OP, and don't look back and learn from this - don't get swept up with this kind of behavior. It never ends well. It's not what love and caring look like, not what healthy basic dating looks like either.

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To answer your question.. Yes.

 

It is over, but he wants to keep you around incase it doesn't work with other girls. If you want to be the #2 or #3 choice, then by all means, stay in his life. If you want someone to like you and have you be their #1 priority, then let this guy go. Its really pretty simple.

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I do agree. He just made it so much more confusing by going I still really like you! I wish he had never said that so I can just move on quicker. Which I will be doing, anyway

 

A lot of dumpers say this, thinking it will somehow make the situation less painful for their exes. If he still really liked you, he wouldn't be telling the spark is dead and he needs a break.

 

He might like you as a person, yes, but his investment in the relationship is gone. It was also not a good sign if he was a very jealous to the point of causing fights about it. An ex of mine was a very jealous man and it turned out he was the one misbehaving when my head was turned. Funny how that works!

 

With time, you will probably see this wasn't a great match for you.

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I should have been clearer. I meant an excuse for a break so he can mess around.

 

This was my first thought. Breaks are always a bad idea. The person who instigates the break wants to experiment with others without the risk of losing the person who they had a committed relationship with, ya know, in case the grass isn't greener on the other side.

 

Please don't wait around for this chump. He is just using you, even if he does say he wants you back at some point.

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I used to spend most time at his place, around 4 days a week and we discussed me moving there

 

5 months of dating is way too soon for moving soon. Usually relationships that evolve too fast and "too much too soon" also end up fizzling out soon. I always recommend interpreting "break" conversations as actual "break ups". He seems to want to want to live the single life and at 5 months in it should still be the honey moon stage and not asking for breaks. This simply wasn't meant to be.

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