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Thread: I still feel guilty

  1. #1
    Member Plllover's Avatar
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    I still feel guilty

    I really don't know if I dodged a bullet... or not. }

    This is a little bit long, so I appreciate everyone that gives me advice. Thank you.
    I met this guy at Uni, and he added me on Instagram after figuring out my name. We started talking, and talking turned into dates. He would text me all day, non stop. I felt like I've found my soulmate (he was also born the same day as I), so I was so happy. It was really showing that he genuinely cared about me, and I was enchanted with him. We would laugh all the time, he would be all smiley and charming, and I loved that. I started to develop feelings for him.

    Then one day, he texted me - out of the blue - a story of how he has this Yankee friend (We're both from Chile) and how he has been talking (texting) her since like 4 years ago. And they were long, long texts explaining it. I freaked out. Why is he telling me about this girl, who he's chatting with for 4 years? He also sent me a voice message explaining how "it's expensive going to New York to go and visit her". And I was like MAN? He was telling me he was planning on visiting someone he doesn't know, who is also a girl... How am I not supposed to feel alarmed after this? So, I went straight to the point, I told him I wanted something serious, and that he had to decide. We talked about it in person, face to face, and he told me that he loved me. He told me that he had feelings for me, strong feelings and that he choses me, he wanted to be with me and only me. That the girl he told me about is just his friend, and he told me about her and that experience because I love America just as much as him. He wanted to know the every day life of an american person, that's it. Good. I may have overreacted, but I don't know how he'd react if I told him the same thing. I really don't know how he'd dig that.

    Everything was good for a couple weeks until I started noticing that he took more time to reply to my texts. It was really different from the first time. He'd even post stories on Instagram before replying to my texts. So I told him: Okay, I see that you're taking more time to text back, are you losing interest?. And he'd reply 37 messages explaining how that's so not the case, he still loves me, he is just busy. I was like okay, it's allright, he doesn't have to text back all the time. He told me that his real personality is that he's a bad texter, but at first, when we met, he would text me all the time because he didn't want me to get a bad impression from him, like, an impression that he wasn't interested. So I was like, okay! That's good, I mean, I can't complain.

    But then he started taking more time, and in the meantime he'd post stories on Instagram saying how ""busy"" he is when in fact it's a story of him watching a TV Show. I remember he posted something like "Ow I work so much, like a slave", like saying "I'm not working lol" And... even then we wouldn't be texting. He even stopped taking me out on dates... His explanation was that he is super busy now, that this is the time of the year when he doesn't have time for nothing. That on vacation he would be available. I was like, okay... I can dig that. Honestly I can.

    That's not it. Remember I told you I met this guy at Uni. That means, we would see each other almost every day, not every day. And when we do see each other at Uni, it's like for three hours, not more. Besides, time at Uni doesn't count, it's like, I wanted to see him after every class. And this is when things get uncomfortable. He would sit right next to me first time in the morning, in the classroom, but wouldn't talk to me. He would talk to his friends only. I felt ignored, stupid, like I did something wrong. Even If I was like "How are you?" He would be like "Fine", and keep on talking with his friends, not me. This would last about an hour or two, then he would change his personality and start talking to me, maybe hugging me, and I'd be like OK now he's fine, and I'd feel alright.

    Oh, If forgot to mention. At first, I was like, super tied to him in the sense that I'd hug him all the time but he wouldn't return my hugs - he'd keep his hands in his pockets. And I felt awful. For real. Then he told me he was uncomfortable being like that at Uni. I was like OK, no big deal, Imma behave myself and not be so "clingy". The thing is, he started to do the silent treatment. You know, he was talking more to his friends and it's like he ignored me. I wouldn't hug him first time in the morning because he wasn't feeling like it, and I was unhappy with it.

    I was so confused because we would tell each other "I love you" but his behaviour wouldn't match his words, you know... It's really frustrating... I had this thing of getting inside his car first time in the morning, to be together before entering to class, also to say hello to him and be warm. The last day I did that, he completely ignored me. (And it wasn't just the last day I did that, the days before that, too. But this time the silence was so cutting). He was on the phone for like 15 minutes. I started studying for an exam because I was taking a test that same morning. Guess what, a friend of his got inside the car, then my boy started talking to him :( I felt SO bad.

    The next day he sent me a text. He was like "Hey we need to chat. I have doubts about us and I think we're both pretty mature to talk bout it". I, with all the frustration and the anger I had been accumulating from him ignoring me and telling me what I should do, when shoud I hug him, when I souldn't hug him, blabla, I sent him "Get lost. My time is really precious to be wasted on someone who isn't sure about me". I regretted it. I should have waited for his reply... I just should have waited. He replied like "You are so wrong. You are anticipating. That wasn't what I wanted to tell you" because I told him he was breaking up with me. That's when I rushed things. I though that, and he told me "I'm not breaking up with you. I'm going to be honest with you. Since we talk all day on the phone, and we see each other every day at Uni, it's like I don't feel like seeing you as often as you want to. And I don't want to disappear once I get too tired of it, I'm giving you an explanation", Its better than saying nothing".
    We A) don't see each other every day. There are at least two days a week we don't see each other. And when we DO see each other, it's for three, four hours, no more. B) These hours we actually spend together at uni, for at least an hour he IGNORES ME as I mentioned above. As to that, he told me that he didn't notice it. He was really really sorry for ignoring me, that "It wasn't his intention". "I'm mad at myself for having someone so beautiful next to me in class because I don't feel like talking in the morning". And I told him "Oh, but you do feel like talking with your friends huh"... To which he replied "Let's talk tomorrow face to face, okay?"

    The day came. 9 am. He told me to propose a solution for his thing. I was like... I don't know what to say. He told me that he even gets tired of seeing his best friends every day. And I was like "ok you're so intolerant!". He told me that this is something new he isn't used to. He isn't used to seeing someone every day, and talking every day, and then he told me he wasn't ready for something serious. He told me he loved me, but wasn't ready. Oh, how come he told me he wanted something serious at the beggining? Was it a lie? He also told me that he can't be a nun, in the sense that he can't be dating a girl and NOT date anyone at the same time. I was like, do you want anything serious? He was like... no. I couldn't believe what he was teling me. I was mad, frustrated, tired, confused. All the silent treatments, all the hugs he ignored from me, his 'mad face' in the morning made me explode. I wasn't yelling or anything, I was rather calm, but I spilled venom from my mouth. I said things like "How can I expect a 19 year old (Im 21) to want something serious? I'm too much for you, You're just immature. Get lost, Don't ever talk to me again" all stuff like that. I also told him that he showed me two faces: At the beggining everything was magical, beautiful, he was charming, he would laugh all the time, but now he is just a completely different person. He stared at me, didn't know what to say.

    The other thing is, he bought two tickets for me a few days before, that's confusing. He wanted me to go to this party. After the TALK, he gave me the tickets. And I told him "You took a weight off of you" Implying that he got rid of me, finally. He got so mad when I said that. He told me repeated times that he really loved me, and not wanting a relationship with me doesn't mean that his feeling were invalid. But, what can I think, if most of the time he ignored me? It's so confusing. And the horrible part is that I have to see his face at Uni. SHOULD I ADD THE HE ALSO LIKES GIRLS' TOPELESS PHOTOS ON INSTAGRAM? Worth mentioning.

    The day after the TALK, I apoloziged. I texted him saying that I regretted some of the things I told him. That I was just mad because he didn't want anything serious with me. He replied that he wants to have the best relationship possible between the two. The thing is that I don't need no friends. I don't want a guy I had feelings for, to be my friend. It's so frustrating and I'm so confused... Because yesterday I saw him and all I wanted was for him to say Hello to me. So I texted him, now that a few days have passed: I really want to have a normal relationship since we have to see each other's faces every day. And he replied just a few words. He was like, "I'm glad you agree to what I've said last week. See you" It's so frustrating to see something come crashing down like that. And I feel guilty for him going away. If I had been more sweet the day we had the talk, maybe things would be different. Maybe if I said, "Do you want to go slower?"... maybe that would have modified the outcome. But at the same time, If he wanted to fight for us, he WOULD HAVE!

    I still feel guilty, as the title says, because I don't know what could have happened If I was just a little bit nicer to him that day. Maybe things would be different. A friend of mine told me that I'm not guilty of anything, that he had made up his mind already when he was ingoring me, that he played me. But honestly I felt a genuine love from him, I don't know why things ended the way they did. I need strenght to go to Uni knowing I'll see his face. This is hard. What do you think about this? Did I have the fault?

  2. #2
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    Originally Posted by Plllover
    I still feel guilty, as the title says, because I don't know what could have happened If I was just a little bit nicer to him that day. Maybe things would be different. A friend of mine told me that I'm not guilty of anything, that he had made up his mind already when he was ingoring me, that he played me. But honestly I felt a genuine love from him, I don't know why things ended the way they did. I need strenght to go to Uni knowing I'll see his face. This is hard. What do you think about this? Did I have the fault?
    I very much doubt anything would be different if you had been nicer on that specific day, OP.

    Listen to your friend. He had already lost interest by that point. I don't know for how long you felt genuine love from him, but it obviously wasn't recently. Things ended because he didn't have the courage to break up with you until finally lost your patience, but a break-up was almost surely coming anyway. Suggesting you slow things down wouldn't have changed this. That much is clear from this lovely sentiment from him: "He also told me that he can't be a nun, in the sense that he can't be dating a girl and NOT date anyone at the same time" - this isn't a boy who is ready for a serious girlfriend. At all. He wants to date around and not tie himself down.

    The moment he started talking about these other girls is the moment you should have realized you couldn't take this guy seriously. Men who actually care about you wouldn't be going on and on about other girls they miss and want to visit. His distant behaviour with you thereafter supports the idea that he just wasn't as into you as you were into him anymore.

    Do I think he necessarily lied to you all along? No, not really. He probably really did like you at the beginning. But this is what dating is about: we sometimes need to get to know someone before we understand we're not actually the best match, or that we aren't actually ready for the commitment the other person is seeking. People change their minds sometimes. And, as you point out, he is only 19. The idea of a steady girlfriend probably sounded good to him at the beginning but he isn't really ready for that.

    Keep your distance as much as you can. This isn't the boy for you. Don't try to be friends right now, either. It will hurt too much.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    It's a natural impulse to try to identify pieces of our own behavior as a puzzle that we could switch out to change outcomes, because that would allow us control over external situations and other people, but it's not accurate. While this is the same impulse we use everyday to solve problems, we must be careful not to misuse it to torture ourselves with obsessions about the stuff we cannot control.

    My take-away from this would be that constant contact and seeing someone every. single. day. can breed a feeling of suffocation. Losing one's autonomy breeds resistance, especially in the young who've just freed themselves from parental control.

    Most people are NOT our match. The whole point of dating is to learn how well suited a potential partner is for us, and love is rare. It's supposed to be rare, or what would be so special about it? So the slower we are to latch onto someone, the better equipped we become to teach ourselves about how much 'forever' we will want to view a partner. Not everybody can be our 'forever' person. Grasping this ability to screen allows wrong matches to pass early, which is supposed to be the point of dating in order to eventually find true simpatico with another.

    So when someone wants out, let them go. If it's a mistake, and you're both really a meant-to-be deal, trust that you'll both meet again on higher ground someday, but that can't happen unless you both grow to reach that place on your own.

    Head high.


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