Reaching out to ex

When is it acceptable to text your ex again?

Bro...what happened to "I'm moving on, I found out she's seeing another guy, she broke up with me because of the other guy, I'm done"?

I've never done so. If I broke up, I thought long and hard to make that permanent decision for good reason. If I got dumped, I know full well he didn't care enough about me to work through problems WITH me instead of bailing.

When the past comes calling, don't answer. It has nothing new to say.

Bro! You're spinning so hard!

I feel for you, buddy, but you're still on the clock where you're counting seconds and days, where you look at a watch and instead of seeing the numbers 1-12 like the rest of us, you see your ex's face, blurrier every day, and how long its been since you've last seen it. Where you're measuring your days (and yourself) in the context of your breakup.

Sucks, I know. Been there more than once. You can't fight it, just have to ride these waves trusting that you won't drown but will just get stronger.

To answer your question: well, there is no answer. Some people will say never. It's a pretty sound argument. I'd say—and this will sound ironic—it's acceptable to text your ex when you've lived a good chunk of life never, ever wondering about things like when it's acceptable to text your ex, when you're too busy wondering whether to order pizza or Chinese, planning a trip, engaging in a passion, dating, falling in love, to care one way or another about contacting your ex. That's when it's cool to reach out—when you realize you don't really want to.

Right now doing anything aside from obsessing about your ex feels like a chore, even ordering pizza or watching TV. Well, chores are important. Chores build grit, character, and get easier with practice. Do the chores, my man! They get less chore-like, and something miraculous happens: you inhabit yourself again instead of thinking of yourself as an empty vessel that can only be filled by someone who is no longer into you.

You're in purgatory right now. Everyone is after a breakup. But you've got two paths clear as day in front of you. Path one: being a wounded, obsessive, ego-driven shell of a man, thumb wrestling with yourself while starring at a clock until you can text someone who isn't interested in being part of your life anymore. Path two: being a brave, vulnerable, honest, strong dude who can stand on his own two feet, create his own joy, move forward with grace and dignity and, in the process, attract and connect to new people.

What path do you want to be on, my friend?

When you no longer have the desire to. That is to say, when you can truthfully and confidently say that there are no feelings left over and no risk of setting your healing back.

But people are rarely so honest with themselves. Biases and self-justification go a long way towards rationalizing crappy behavior patterns, which is why it's usually best not to concern yourself with such things and try to keep your focus away from your ex. Your ex, as the one who ended the relationship, will get in touch with you if that's what they want. Put your stock in peoples' actions, not their words. They broke up with you and haven't been in touch, so believe that is how they want things and respect it.

In order to move on, you have to make an effort to do so.

Bro, you have created eight threads about your ex in a little over two weeks!

I know you're hurting, and I'm sorry, but it would appear that instead of taking steps to move on, you're faliing into an obsession.

It's not helping you, the opposite, it's only serving to keep you stuck and preventing you from moving on. Clearly!

No, pls don't contact your ex! Block and delete her, and remain no contact.

Take steps to heal, which imo would include stop creating threads keeping all this alive in your head and heart, and move on.

Again I'm sorry.

never.....there is no purpose to "reach out" to an ex.

I draw your attention to the following posts (yours) from your various threads:

I have started to realize that! I no longer need to care what she thinks or what she is doing! We are no longer together! Our worlds are back to what they were before we met!! They’ll never realize they ed up if we keep bombarding them! Let them go!

 

I did not want to hold on to someone that didn’t want me back! However, everyone here was right! All she did was justify why she broke up with me! I think it made her feel better about leaving me! She even compared me to the guy she liked now and gave me some low blows! I haven’t reached out after that! If I could go back I probably wouldn’t have contacted her at all! All it does is feed their ego!

 

It’s been a hard two weeks but have made it this far!! Every time I think about reaching out I remember past break ups in my life and never getting what I wanted from those messages. I know that no contact is for the best! Why reach out to your ex if you’re still not at your absolute best yet!? If you have nothing new to offer nothing will change!

 

I have accepted that the relationship is over! It’s day 16 since the break up and I already feel stronger than I have in past break ups at this point!! NC is definitely the way to go! It hurts at first but the pain fades away faster than if you keep your ex around in your life!! Yesterday I wished her well and let her go for good!! Today I begin a new chapter in my life!

 

Yes I did!! We don’t talk anymore though! Even though I want to text her I know that I won’t get what I want from it!

Stop the insanity OP. Get off the roller coaster. Stop obsessing about her and about when to contact her (never) and accept that it's over.

Let. it. go.

LET GO OP LET GO!! You are just torturing yourself, it's becoming an obsession :(

I know that I am spinning! It’s just so hard to let go to this one because I thought this was it for me! I thought I was done looking for the one! I thought I was going to marry her! I just can’t imagine that she wouldn’t want to hear from me ever again! It looks like she’s trying so hard to erase me from her life! That hurts the most!

Love you guys! Thank you for being so supportive!!

Yes it sucks and yes it hurts but going over it in your head won't help. She is not the one for you. You are not the one for her.

Find a new girlfriend. It will help you forget, it's great therapy

I’m not sure If im ready for another girlfriend! Too much baggage right now!

I won’t lie I have demonstrated this type of behavior in past break ups too! Then over time it all goes away! Usually when I fall for another chick!

Not good to constantly have these over-reactions IMO. Have you sought therapy for it? It's natural to be upset of course but this constant refusla to let go isn't.

Yes !! Couldn’t agree more.

I know that I am spinning! It’s just so hard to let go to this one because I thought this was it for me! I thought I was done looking for the one! I thought I was going to marry her! I just can’t imagine that she wouldn’t want to hear from me ever again! It looks like she’s trying so hard to erase me from her life! That hurts the most!

I bet if you're honest with yourself—like really, really honest—you'll find that what you just wrote above isn't quite true.

Quick, flash back to, I don't know, six months ago. You two were walking down the street, buying stamps, something banal. Don't sugarcoat it with a gauzy filter and slow jazz: just a random Wednesday running an errand. Were you standing there, watching her buy a stamp, thinking and feeling that she was your forever person, your future wife, the end of your search? Or was she just...just your girlfriend, someone you liked buying stamps with who was sometimes cool, sometimes not, and who you weren't thinking about much beyond that?

People breaking up with us—leaving us—is a silver bullet to the ego. You can treat the wound by emotional peacocking like you're doing now, finding a twisted comfort from flailing and wailing and becoming the Saddest Person on the Planet. You can keep indulging that false comfort by shouting lofty things at the moon like "I thought she was the one!" and "I was about to propose!" Or you can treat the wound by being humble, taking the hit, and in the process maturing.

Men, dare I say, are particularly prone to adopting this posture as the World's Saddest Human when heartbroken. We are, by and large, the far weaker sex. We do not handle pain with anything like dignity that women do. It is a wholly unattractive quality, this thing in us men; learning to purge and temper it is a must. Watch a man and woman walking down the street, and both stub their toe at the same time. The woman winces, then keeps walking; the man becomes a baby needing his mommy. It's pathetic.

Right now you are a baby wanting your mommy. You want her to be your mommy, and since she's gone you're turning to us to nurse you. I get it. Been there, like I said, desperate for the world to stroke my hair when my heart is bruised. But brother? Time to look in the mirror and be a man, a real one. Be your own mommy! Challenge yourself. Instead of posting every feeling and turning us into magnifying lenses of your pain, try sitting quietly and reading other posts. Listen to the pain of others to remember that your pain is universal and, in that, small, manageable, human.

She is not "erasing" you from her life. She is living her life. She is not an extension of you, never was, and no woman will ever be that. Trust that you made a mark on her, as she made a mark on you, and go live your life. It's right there begging to be lived, you dig?

Deep down I was just comfortable! I definitely did not want her as much as I do now that she is gone!

Deep down I was just comfortable! I definitely did not want her as much as I do now that she is gone!

Cool—so own that. Get big by getting small. We all want the shiny thing on the shelf we can't reach. That's human nature. It's also selfish af, as the kids say.

Selfishness is unattractive. Makes for bad lovers and worse boyfriends. Life has handed you a golden ticket right now to become a real stud. If I were you, I'd grab it and run.

I won’t lie I have demonstrated this type of behavior in past break ups too! Then over time it all goes away! Usually when I fall for another chick!

This may explain why you are in obsession... because you are uncomfortable with the idea of being on your own. And all of the feels from past relationships have built up to have you now twisting in the wind unable to let go of this relationship.

The way you know you will have truly healed is when the feelings pass and you haven't fallen for anyone else.

This may explain why you are in obsession... because you are uncomfortable with the idea of being on your own. And all of the feels from past relationships have built up to have you now twisting in the wind unable to let go of this relationship.

 

The way you know you will have truly healed is when the feelings pass and you haven't fallen for anyone else.

PREACH!

You want to know the secret to staying young and hot even as you age, even as life throws some arrows at you? It's not pricey skin creams and crunches. No, it's learning to let go—for real—of unneeded baggage.

You've been needing a cold shower for a good while, my man. Stand under the faucet and let this clean you out.

When is it acceptable to text your ex again?

How about NEVER? An ex is an ex for a reason.

Bro32, I feel ya. Am currently going through the same thing. You've been given some excellent advice that actually helped me too.

Some days are going to be bad, some days good. It comes in waves, until the good days start getting more than the bad.

People say that you can learn a lot after a break up, and I always thought that was how to act in a relationship regarding the other person, but it goes deeper than that. It goes inwards. answers to questions like "why can't I stay single?", "Why do I feel so devastated after a break up" Inwards is where all the answers are and the only way to get there is therapy.

What helps me is therapy and focusing in my self growth.

Never ever ever. This is painful but you've got to deal with that. From the sound of it, you've never dealt with losing a partner - just found someone to soothe your pain. You gotta learn how to soothe that pain on your own. When you are in a relationship, you are going to have bad times. While it's great to have a partner to help you through those bad times, you can't put all of your pain on them. When you are fired from your job, you have to soothe yourself, you can't just complain to your partner and have them comfort you every time you are upset about it. When you lose a loved one. When you fail at something. You've got to develop yourself more - this is the best opportunity to be alone and meet yourself you've ever had.

Use it, and it will make your life much more manageable, and your future relationships - when you are ready for them - more stable and rewarding.