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Thread: The phone is a big secret...

  1. #1
    Bronze Member wgmitch's Avatar
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    The phone is a big secret...

    I have never been cheated on and I have never worried about this type of thing, but I am now. I've been with my gf for just over a year. I would say about 3 months ago, right after she went on a girls trip to the Bahamas her phone has become a real secret. It is always with her and when it is not it is lying face down. She always had a password and so do I. Notifications used to come up on her screen for incoming texts, but now they do not. Her phone still beeps and chirps, but the screen is blank. She has a lot of friends and text come in regularly so this is why I noticed the notifications on the locked screen and now nothing.

    This all came to a head for me at a party at a restaurant about a month ago. That weekend I really started to notice the phone secrecy the most while we were at her house. She showered with the phone in the bathroom, I never noticed that before and it never left her. Anyway, we were at the restaurant and I got up to go to the bathroom and got stuck waiting for the waitress. I happened to look back as someone called my name and I saw my gf reaching into her purse for her phone, she saw me and immediately put it face down on the table. I proceeded to the bathroom and glanced back and she had picked up her phone and it looked like she was texting. So, what do couples do they communicate, right? Well I asked her on the way home, "what's up with the phone secrecy?" I went over what I noticed at the restaurant and how her phone always seems to be laying face down, no notifications, always on her person, bla, bla, bla. Oy! Who needs this right?

    Well, she got defensive. "I always lay it face down." Yes, I said I have noticed in the last couple months. "I think it's disrespectful to use a phone at the table." Umm, I've been at dinner with her, just the two us us and she has answered the phone and had conversation so I never heard that before. "I never had notifications on the screen." Yes, you did.

    So, we live just over an hour away from each other. We only see each other on the weekends. I don't know what's going on M-F. I don't want to care, for God sake. But I find myself questioning.

    So now I'm doing the worse things possible (that may also include writing this here, I hoping to not get crucified) I'm searching the Internet for advice on cheating and cheaters. Good grief! Well one of the biggest signs is the phone security and secrecy. It's #2 on the last article I just read.

    What the hell is happening?

    We have a big trip planned over seas in July all paid for and ready to go. We have fun together. We have a lot in common. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to do this.

    Mitch

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Sorry to say but I think she's up to something and there may well be another guy she's talking with. The secrecy seems over the top to me if it's all innocent. Other than a major confrontation with her, I dont know what you do. How do you plan to proceed?

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    Had she accused you, what would you have done? Would you have bent over backwards to convince her that you were not doing anything shady? Well, what did she do? She became defensive. She attempted to deflect. She tried to gaslight you. If she had nothing to hide, she would have offered you her phone. Let you look through her messages and maybe even offer you her passcode. But she didn't. All red flags.

    The problem now is that you showed her your hand and really do not have many options as to finding out what's going on. Maybe one of her friends would tell you if you know them well enough, but they're her friends. If she offered you her phone now, it's likely that all messages have been deleted.

    Obviously, I have no idea if she's cheating or not. Something may or may not have happened while she was on the trip. That's not the question that you need to ask. The question that you should be asking is this: does she make you feel safe?

    Is she doing whatever she can to make you feel that she's a safe partner? That you are her priority? Or is she basically telling you to get over it?

    I don't know if you've read any of the stories on here or on other sites, but take away this lesson, don't ignore the red flags. If you want to stay with her, then she needs to come clean. If she doesn't, then you have your answer.

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    Bronze Member wgmitch's Avatar
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    I'm not doing anything right now. We are "thinking" about things for this week as we both agree we are drifting apart. We will not see each other this weekend. I'm certainly drifting since I don't know how to get the answers I need from her and for God sake I can't keep feeling like this. I'd rather be alone. I stopped short of asking to look at her phone after the restaurant incident and I wish I would have now.

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  6. #5
    Bronze Member wgmitch's Avatar
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    I would have handed her my phone and been done with it. I have nothing to hide.

    "Is she doing whatever she can to make you feel that she's a safe partner? That you are her priority? Or is she basically telling you to get over it?" I like this and will use it, if, when we talk again.

    Thanks.

    Mitch

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    I'm speaking from my personal experience, so bear that in mind.

    Yes, phone secrecy is something to be concerned with.

    Face down, notifications suddenly not popping up, taking it into the shower......check, check, check. Had all that in my last relationship. Turns out, he wasn't overtly cheating, but rather communicating with, lord knows how many others.

    Some people just "need" this attention from others outside the relationship. My ex, which has been almost 2 years, still reaches out to me occasionally, even though he's been in a "solid" relationship for about a year. He's doing to her, what he did to me. This girl is doing this to you, I fear.

    I saw a meme the other day that I wished I had followed: "Leave at the first lie".

    I don't know that you should leave, but you know something ain't right. Have a sit-down with her, and let your gut tell you what to do.

    Again, I'm painting this with my own personal brush, so others may have different opinions.

  8. #7
    Bronze Member wgmitch's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    I'm speaking from my personal experience, so bear that in mind.

    Yes, phone secrecy is something to be concerned with.

    Face down, notifications suddenly not popping up, taking it into the shower......check, check, check. Had all that in my last relationship. Turns out, he wasn't overtly cheating, but rather communicating with, lord knows how many others.

    Some people just "need" this attention from others outside the relationship. My ex, which has been almost 2 years, still reaches out to me occasionally, even though he's been in a "solid" relationship for about a year. He's doing to her, what he did to me. This girl is doing this to you, I fear.

    I saw a meme the other day that I wished I had followed: "Leave at the first lie".

    I don't know that you should leave, but you know something ain't right. Have a sit-down with her, and let your gut tell you what to do.

    Again, I'm painting this with my own personal brush, so others may have different opinions.


    Thank you LHGirl. I think and in a way hope, you are correct. I've writing down my thoughts, but I know we need to talk face to face.

    Mitch

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    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Is this the same woman you had the problem with who pays for what?

    From that thread she seemed selfish and entitled.

    This feeling you are having is your gut talking to you. Most people that have never been cheated on (me included back then) tend to ignore the gut feeling they are having because they love and trust their partner, those that have been cheated on before have learned to trust their gut.

    I now trust my gut feelings. I don't go accusing anyone of anything but I use my gut feeling to open my eyes and take a step back so I can see what is really going on clearly. That is what you need to do. Take a step back and think through the timeline carefully and how she has changed over the last few months. If your eyes are open you will see...

    On face value those of us that have been around this forum long enough are pretty certain she is at the very least "chatting" with some other guy. She is showing all the signs of cheating.

    If the relationship is not feeling right, you are drifting apart, she is selfish and entitled, you pay for nearly all expensive outings, she is secretive with her phone and gets defensive then there really isn't much to discuss when she comes to your house in my opinion.

    I am sorry but I think you knew some time ago this was not the woman for you but you wanted it to work so you stuck in there hoping it would get better.

    Lost

  10. #9
    Bronze Member wgmitch's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    Is this the same woman you had the problem with who pays for what?

    From that thread she seemed selfish and entitled.

    This feeling you are having is your gut talking to you. Most people that have never been cheated on (me included back then) tend to ignore the gut feeling they are having because they love and trust their partner, those that have been cheated on before have learned to trust their gut.

    I now trust my gut feelings. I don't go accusing anyone of anything but I use my gut feeling to open my eyes and take a step back so I can see what is really going on clearly. That is what you need to do. Take a step back and think through the timeline carefully and how she has changed over the last few months. If your eyes are open you will see...

    On face value those of us that have been around this forum long enough are pretty certain she is at the very least "chatting" with some other guy. She is showing all the signs of cheating.

    If the relationship is not feeling right, you are drifting apart, she is selfish and entitled, you pay for nearly all expensive outings, she is secretive with her phone and gets defensive then there really isn't much to discuss when she comes to your house in my opinion.

    I am sorry but I think you knew some time ago this was not the woman for you but you wanted it to work so you stuck in there hoping it would get better.

    Lost
    Yes, she is. We moved past that and funny she started asking to pay for things. :) I tried to communicate. I'm learning.

  11. #10
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    I agree w lost re allowing my intution (which is quite astute) to lead the way.

    I don't accuse, I won't even ask anymore. I've learned, as you are now, when my intuition is sending me such strong messages, it's a futile waste of time and energy as they will become defensive, deflect, even gaslight.

    I experienced just that w my long term ex. As it turns out, my intuition was spot on.

    Mitch, when your gut feeling and suspicions are such that you're searching the Internet and/or posting on forums for answers, the trust is gone and it's time to leave.

    That combined with your both agreeing you're drifting apart reinforces that.

    I know how hard it is, you've been dating a year, you're emotionally attached.

    I recall your threads about your gf (now ex) prior to meeting this woman, and you got over that, and you will get over this one too. You're strong, resilient.

    It's all a journey until you find the one you're meant to be with.

    She's not it, sadly, I'm sorry. ;(
    Last edited by katrina1980; 06-05-2019 at 10:44 AM.

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