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The phone is a big secret...


wgmitch

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I have never been cheated on and I have never worried about this type of thing, but I am now. I've been with my gf for just over a year. I would say about 3 months ago, right after she went on a girls trip to the Bahamas her phone has become a real secret. It is always with her and when it is not it is lying face down. She always had a password and so do I. Notifications used to come up on her screen for incoming texts, but now they do not. Her phone still beeps and chirps, but the screen is blank. She has a lot of friends and text come in regularly so this is why I noticed the notifications on the locked screen and now nothing.

 

This all came to a head for me at a party at a restaurant about a month ago. That weekend I really started to notice the phone secrecy the most while we were at her house. She showered with the phone in the bathroom, I never noticed that before and it never left her. Anyway, we were at the restaurant and I got up to go to the bathroom and got stuck waiting for the waitress. I happened to look back as someone called my name and I saw my gf reaching into her purse for her phone, she saw me and immediately put it face down on the table. I proceeded to the bathroom and glanced back and she had picked up her phone and it looked like she was texting. So, what do couples do they communicate, right? Well I asked her on the way home, "what's up with the phone secrecy?" I went over what I noticed at the restaurant and how her phone always seems to be laying face down, no notifications, always on her person, bla, bla, bla. Oy! Who needs this right?

 

Well, she got defensive. "I always lay it face down." Yes, I said I have noticed in the last couple months. "I think it's disrespectful to use a phone at the table." Umm, I've been at dinner with her, just the two us us and she has answered the phone and had conversation so I never heard that before. "I never had notifications on the screen." Yes, you did.

 

So, we live just over an hour away from each other. We only see each other on the weekends. I don't know what's going on M-F. I don't want to care, for God sake. But I find myself questioning.

 

So now I'm doing the worse things possible (that may also include writing this here, I hoping to not get crucified) I'm searching the Internet for advice on cheating and cheaters. Good grief! Well one of the biggest signs is the phone security and secrecy. It's #2 on the last article I just read.

 

What the hell is happening?

 

We have a big trip planned over seas in July all paid for and ready to go. We have fun together. We have a lot in common. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to do this.

 

Mitch

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I'm not doing anything right now. We are "thinking" about things for this week as we both agree we are drifting apart. We will not see each other this weekend. I'm certainly drifting since I don't know how to get the answers I need from her and for God sake I can't keep feeling like this. I'd rather be alone. I stopped short of asking to look at her phone after the restaurant incident and I wish I would have now.

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I would have handed her my phone and been done with it. I have nothing to hide.

 

"Is she doing whatever she can to make you feel that she's a safe partner? That you are her priority? Or is she basically telling you to get over it?" I like this and will use it, if, when we talk again.

 

Thanks.

 

Mitch

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I'm speaking from my personal experience, so bear that in mind.

 

Yes, phone secrecy is something to be concerned with.

 

Face down, notifications suddenly not popping up, taking it into the shower......check, check, check. Had all that in my last relationship. Turns out, he wasn't overtly cheating, but rather communicating with, lord knows how many others.

 

Some people just "need" this attention from others outside the relationship. My ex, which has been almost 2 years, still reaches out to me occasionally, even though he's been in a "solid" relationship for about a year. He's doing to her, what he did to me. This girl is doing this to you, I fear.

 

I saw a meme the other day that I wished I had followed: "Leave at the first lie".

 

I don't know that you should leave, but you know something ain't right. Have a sit-down with her, and let your gut tell you what to do.

 

Again, I'm painting this with my own personal brush, so others may have different opinions.

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I'm speaking from my personal experience, so bear that in mind.

 

Yes, phone secrecy is something to be concerned with.

 

Face down, notifications suddenly not popping up, taking it into the shower......check, check, check. Had all that in my last relationship. Turns out, he wasn't overtly cheating, but rather communicating with, lord knows how many others.

 

Some people just "need" this attention from others outside the relationship. My ex, which has been almost 2 years, still reaches out to me occasionally, even though he's been in a "solid" relationship for about a year. He's doing to her, what he did to me. This girl is doing this to you, I fear.

 

I saw a meme the other day that I wished I had followed: "Leave at the first lie".

 

I don't know that you should leave, but you know something ain't right. Have a sit-down with her, and let your gut tell you what to do.

 

Again, I'm painting this with my own personal brush, so others may have different opinions.

 

 

 

Thank you LHGirl. I think and in a way hope, you are correct. I've writing down my thoughts, but I know we need to talk face to face.

 

Mitch

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Is this the same woman you had the problem with who pays for what?

 

From that thread she seemed selfish and entitled.

 

This feeling you are having is your gut talking to you. Most people that have never been cheated on (me included back then) tend to ignore the gut feeling they are having because they love and trust their partner, those that have been cheated on before have learned to trust their gut.

 

I now trust my gut feelings. I don't go accusing anyone of anything but I use my gut feeling to open my eyes and take a step back so I can see what is really going on clearly. That is what you need to do. Take a step back and think through the timeline carefully and how she has changed over the last few months. If your eyes are open you will see...

 

On face value those of us that have been around this forum long enough are pretty certain she is at the very least "chatting" with some other guy. She is showing all the signs of cheating.

 

If the relationship is not feeling right, you are drifting apart, she is selfish and entitled, you pay for nearly all expensive outings, she is secretive with her phone and gets defensive then there really isn't much to discuss when she comes to your house in my opinion.

 

I am sorry but I think you knew some time ago this was not the woman for you but you wanted it to work so you stuck in there hoping it would get better.

 

Lost

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Is this the same woman you had the problem with who pays for what?

 

From that thread she seemed selfish and entitled.

 

This feeling you are having is your gut talking to you. Most people that have never been cheated on (me included back then) tend to ignore the gut feeling they are having because they love and trust their partner, those that have been cheated on before have learned to trust their gut.

 

I now trust my gut feelings. I don't go accusing anyone of anything but I use my gut feeling to open my eyes and take a step back so I can see what is really going on clearly. That is what you need to do. Take a step back and think through the timeline carefully and how she has changed over the last few months. If your eyes are open you will see...

 

On face value those of us that have been around this forum long enough are pretty certain she is at the very least "chatting" with some other guy. She is showing all the signs of cheating.

 

If the relationship is not feeling right, you are drifting apart, she is selfish and entitled, you pay for nearly all expensive outings, she is secretive with her phone and gets defensive then there really isn't much to discuss when she comes to your house in my opinion.

 

I am sorry but I think you knew some time ago this was not the woman for you but you wanted it to work so you stuck in there hoping it would get better.

 

Lost

 

Yes, she is. We moved past that and funny she started asking to pay for things. :) I tried to communicate. I'm learning.

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I agree w lost re allowing my intution (which is quite astute) to lead the way.

 

I don't accuse, I won't even ask anymore. I've learned, as you are now, when my intuition is sending me such strong messages, it's a futile waste of time and energy as they will become defensive, deflect, even gaslight.

 

I experienced just that w my long term ex. As it turns out, my intuition was spot on.

 

Mitch, when your gut feeling and suspicions are such that you're searching the Internet and/or posting on forums for answers, the trust is gone and it's time to leave.

 

That combined with your both agreeing you're drifting apart reinforces that.

 

I know how hard it is, you've been dating a year, you're emotionally attached.

 

I recall your threads about your gf (now ex) prior to meeting this woman, and you got over that, and you will get over this one too. You're strong, resilient.

 

It's all a journey until you find the one you're meant to be with.

 

She's not it, sadly, I'm sorry. ;(

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I agree w lost re allowing my intution (which is quite astute) to lead the way.

 

I don't accuse, I won't even ask anymore. I've learned, as you are now, when my intuition is sending me such strong messages, it's a futile waste of time and energy as they will become defensive, deflect, even gaslight.

 

I experienced just that w my long term ex. As it turns out, my intuition was spot on.

 

Mitch, when your gut feeling is such that you're searching the Internet and/or posting on forums for answers, the trust is gone and it's time to leave.

 

That combined with your both agreeing your drifting apart reinforces that.

 

I know how hard it is, you've been dating a year, you're emotiinally attached.

 

I recall your threads about your gf (now ex) prior to meeting this woman, and you got over that, and you will get over this one too. Your strong, resilient.

 

It's all a journey until you find the one you're meant to be with.

 

She's not it, sadly, I'm sorry. ;(

 

Sad, yep.

 

Thank you Katrina. I hope you are well.

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Asking a cheater if they are cheating on you is kind of pointless. No cheater will ever just go ahead and admit that to you. All you'll get is adamant lies and gaslighting.

 

When you sense that something is not right and it is that overwhelming and you combine that with the fact that you two are drifting apart, it's probably time to think about whether or not you really want to continue this or whether this relationship has run its course. Do you really need proof in order to leave her or is your own unhappiness and discomfort enough? That's kind of an individual thing. You can spend a whole lot of time and energy playing relationship detective and dig up the truth eventually or you can skip all that pain and just walk away, heal, move on. It's a case of what will cause you personally least amount of damage.

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Ugh—sorry to hear this, friend.

 

Don't have much to offer that hasn't already been said. To me the biggest red flag here—aside from the feeling in your gut based on astute observations—is her response. The defensiveness.

 

There are a zillion other ways to handle that when you have nothing to hide, ways in which even the most questionable developments (notifications off, phone on table) can be explained as a conscious shift in habits. (I made a choice years ago, for instance, to turn off notifications and keep my phone face down—for me, so I could be more present, with friends, lovers, the three dimensional universe; not, say, so I could shield DMs from an Instagram Random.)

 

I'm not saying she's cheating, but it doesn't sound good. Heck, even the most generous response I can come up with—that, a year into a relationship, she is clumsily asserting independence in order to regain "herself"—doesn't sound good.

 

I can only speak for myself, but I've lived by a rule that I refuse to be paranoid inside a relationship. It's less a rule so much as instinct. My threshold for feeling the way you feel right now is next to non-existent, the feeling itself enough for me to just end things. Wasted energy, and the polar opposite of what I want from a relationship, which is depth.

 

Don't quite know what to offer in terms of advice. I'm tempted to say something pragmatic, like sit down and express to her the way you feel—that more concerning than the "phone secrecy" is this newfound edginess, a state that you just can't continue to live in. Maybe she hears you, can tune back into the frequency you guys once had. Maybe. Or maybe that sit down is something to need to check off in order to feel good checking out, and stepping onward, back out there.

 

You're whip-smart—I remember you advising me over a year ago on something—and I'm certain you'll take the needed steps, make the right call.

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I've learned, as you are now, when my intuition is sending me such strong messages, it's a futile waste of time and energy as they will become defensive, deflect, even gaslight.

 

In my last relationship with the phone behavior, every time I'd bring it up, he'd do this. I kept calling him "Deflect, defensive, and blame". I used the word "blame" because I had never heard the word "gaslight". It wasn't until I started reading a lot, and even rented the movie, that it hit me like a ton of bricks that yes, this is what they do.

 

Bringing this up to her will cause her to do all of these things:

She'll get defensive: "I don't know where that's coming from. That's your problem, not mine"

She'll deflect: "What about that time you left me to go talk to your friends at that party, leaving me alone with no one to talk to?"

She'll gaslight: "I have no idea what you're talking about. You are imagining things. Taking my phone in the shower? Are you nuts?"

 

If she does anything resembling the above conversations, even in the nicest, sweetest way, run.

 

If she says, "Honey, I'm so sorry, I've been so stressed about work/my best friend's marriage/my mom that yes, I've been taking my phone everywhere, let me share it with you", then you can use your best judgement to continue.

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Ugh—sorry to hear this, friend.

 

Don't have much to offer that hasn't already been said. To me the biggest red flag here—aside from the feeling in your gut based on astute observations—is her response. The defensiveness.

 

There are a zillion other ways to handle that when you have nothing to hide, ways in which even the most questionable developments (notifications off, phone on table) can be explained as a conscious shift in habits. (I made a choice years ago, for instance, to turn off notifications and keep my phone face down—for me, so I could be more present, with friends, lovers, the three dimensional universe; not, say, so I could shield DMs from an Instagram Random.)

 

I'm not saying she's cheating, but it doesn't sound good. Heck, even the most generous response I can come up with—that, a year into a relationship, she is clumsily asserting independence in order to regain "herself"—doesn't sound good.

 

I can only speak for myself, but I've lived by a rule that I refuse to be paranoid inside a relationship. It's less a rule so much as instinct. My threshold for feeling the way you feel right now is next to non-existent, the feeling itself enough for me to just end things. Wasted energy, and the polar opposite of what I want from a relationship, which is depth.

 

Don't quite know what to offer in terms of advice. I'm tempted to say something pragmatic, like sit down and express to her the way you feel—that more concerning than the "phone secrecy" is this newfound edginess, a state that you just can't continue to live in. Maybe she hears you, can tune back into the frequency you guys once had. Maybe. Or maybe that sit down is something to need to check off in order to feel good checking out, and stepping onward, back out there.

 

You're whip-smart—I remember you advising me over a year ago on something—and I'm certain you'll take the needed steps, make the right call.

 

Thank you my friend. Good to hear from you and your wisdom. Mitch

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I checked with a trusted source in the Spanish Embassy. According to him, Spain is not going anywhere anytime soon and is best visited, either alone or with someone, when the heart is beating soundly and the head is cleanly attached to the spine.

 

Kidding aside—and, well, I'm not really kidding—I'd really focus right now on how you feel inside, being honest about that, and seeing how a frank talk with her leaves you feeling. Does it bring calm, connection? Does it feel like a bandaid? Does the feeling just get worse?

 

Look those questions dead in the eye, and step forward from there. Spain is waiting, ever patient, lovely at all times of year, all the years.

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I checked with a trusted source in the Spanish Embassy. According to him, Spain is not going anywhere anytime soon and is best visited, either alone or with someone, when the heart is beating soundly and the head is cleanly attached to the spine.

 

Kidding aside—and, well, I'm not really kidding—I'd really focus right now on how you feel inside, being honest about that, and seeing how a frank talk with her leaves you feeling. Does it bring calm, connection? Does it feel like a bandaid? Does the feeling just get worse?

 

Look those questions dead in the eye, and step forward from there. Spain is waiting, ever patient, lovely at all times of year, all the years.

 

Thank you Blue. You make me think and smile. :)

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I'm going to go against the grain here and say if my partner made it known they didn't trust me I would be defensive too, potentially angry depending on what/how much they accused me of.

 

I have actually added a password and hidden notifications on my phone before whilst in a relationship, would turn away from him whilst messaging/typing and take phonecalls outside because I value my privacy and don't like my messages being read over my shoulder. It's rude to be on the phone whilst in company etc.

 

Behaviour aside, what does your gut tell you? And do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who is on their phone all the time?

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I'm going to go against the grain here and say if my partner made it known they didn't trust me I would be defensive too, potentially angry depending on what/how much they accused me of.

 

I have actually added a password and hidden notifications on my phone before whilst in a relationship, would turn away from him whilst messaging/typing and take phonecalls outside because I value my privacy and don't like my messages being read over my shoulder. It's rude to be on the phone whilst in company etc.

 

Behaviour aside, what does your gut tell you? And do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who is on their phone all the time?

 

Thornz, thank you. You are absolutely correct and I would be mad as well if I was being accused of cheating. I only brought this up once after the restaurant. I noticed the changes in the phone privacy over a couple months. The culmination was the night at the restaurant as I described above. She distinctly saw me turn around and she put the phone right down on the table face down. I walked away and turned back and she picked up the phone. After that my gut said something is happening on the phone that she doesn't want me to see. Yep, I have a lock on my phone and I too like my privacy. I asked her about what I saw immediately when we got home that night and she started what I have heard and read as being classic deflection, blaming, and defensive verbiage. Her body language was nervous and her response was immediately defensive. She was a completely different person. She said using your phone at the table is rude. As I stated above I have seen her answer her phone at the table while we were at dinner. Besides I was the only one that left the table, all her friends were sitting around her talking. If it's so rude why do it around your friends. The words coming out of her mouth were not what I expected. Her body language was not what I expected.

 

Someone asked if it were me being accused and I was not doing anything wrong, what would I do? I would have asked her, "why do you feel I am cheating or deceiving you?" I would have handed her my phone and try my best to put her fears aside. Yes, I'm sure a part of me would have been pissed off and maybe even be thinking, do I want to stay with someone that doesn't trust me? But I didn't get any of that from her. I know everyone is different.

 

No, I don't want to be with someone who is on their phone all the time. I know what I need to do, I do.

 

Thank you to everyone that replied. Mitch

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Well, if her phone behavior has changed recently to this weird laying the phone face down thing, she's probably cheating. She definitely sounds like a lair. Both are in the same ball park, lack of integrity.

 

Since it changed since she went to the Bahamas, maybe she met somebody there - if that's the case, it's probably long distance, and nothing other than pen pals will likely happen.

 

Some people cheat because they lack integrity. The other half cheat for revenge. If it's a revenge cheat, you may have taken her for granted in romance, respect, affection, or trust. Make sure you are treating her the way you did in the first few months of the relationship.

 

Other than that, I'd get a backup woman, just in case.

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I'm on my phone all the time. But I'm usually just on here or Facebook or video game forums etc.

 

My wife has my email passwords, can log into my social media, can use my phone if she wants etc. I have nothing to hide. If she was concerned I'd let her look at what I'm doing.

 

Maybe she's not up to no good. It's quite possible. But she's certainly acting like she's up to no good. And for me personally, I don't have room for that nonsense in my brain. I wouldn't want, or accept a partner that's going out of her way to make you crazy because she's acting crazy.

 

I would simply tell her this. Either she's hiding things which is a deal breaker or she's acting like she's hiding things which is a deal breaker. So stop it.

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I'm going to go against the grain here and say if my partner made it known they didn't trust me I would be defensive too, potentially angry depending on what/how much they accused me of.

 

I have actually added a password and hidden notifications on my phone before whilst in a relationship, would turn away from him whilst messaging/typing and take phonecalls outside because I value my privacy and don't like my messages being read over my shoulder. It's rude to be on the phone whilst in company etc.

 

Behaviour aside, what does your gut tell you? And do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who is on their phone all the time?

 

So in other words you like playing games.

 

I can see not wanting your partner to be on the phone while you're with them but going out of your way to make it look suspicious is crazy.

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