New here, just broke up

Hi everyone,

I'll keep this short. My ex was always using the timeout/breakup card whenever we got into an argument. It became a very unhealthy relationship and, for some time already, I knew it wasn't what I wanted. I just didn't have the courage to end it.

During our last argument, he again threatened me with it and said he didn't want to continue. Yet, he did things that indicated he hoped I would contact him so we could work things out.

I don't want to.

But the hell of missing him sucks. I think of him all the time. Why is this happening when I wanted out? It's so painful. I've been crying and keeping a journal and not much else apart from work.

Thanks for taking the time to read and respond.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I know it doesn't make sense right? I'm going through something similar. He treated me badly, I also wanted to end it and yet here I am still missing him.

If you concentrate on the negatives, it helps. There's no quick fix unfortunately. Don't push yourself too hard to get over it, you need to go through the whole process.

Have you gone NC?

It's normal to miss the relationship or even him. You probably have lots of good memories together, and we tend to recall the good times better after a breakup. All I can say is that this breakup is clearly beneficial to you - I'm glad you got out before it could damage you both even more. Now it's best to (immediately or passively) cut off contact with this person and slowly get back into the pace of your life before him, and things will definitely get better once you focus on yourself again. Cope's suggestion of focusing on the reasons why you had to break up and the ty parts of the relationship is good advice if you want to try to get yourself out of these feelings sooner. Best of luck! ♥

Hi Cope, yes. Completed the first day. We had the argument 2 nights ago and he left yesterday.

You're right. It doesn't make any sense. He 'wanted out' and I wanted out because I couldn't stand it any more. And it still hurts like hell.

Hi Cope, yes. Completed the first day. We had the argument 2 nights ago and he left yesterday.

 

You're right. It doesn't make any sense. He 'wanted out' and I wanted out because I couldn't stand it any more. And it still hurts like hell.

Trust that it will pass. :) Remind yourself of it, if you must.

I tried to previously when I had the first thoughts of wanting out but they made me so angry, I couldn't do NC at all because all it did was made me want to lash out at him. So I stopped.

Trust that it will pass. :) Remind yourself of it, if you must.

Thank you so much. I hope so. Right now all that I see is the loss.

Well....you lost a guy who wasn't right for you. Not much of a loss now is it? Just keep reminding yourself of that.

Think of it this way - when you are in a relationship, you create a lot of little habits and when the person is gone, what you are missing is those little habits more so than the person. Best way to reduce the pain is to work on creating new habits. Focus on doing little things for yourself that make you feel good. Don't get stuck on just work and home. Step out. Go for a walk, join a rock climbing gym, check out meetup.com and join some active groups and start meeting people and doing some fun random things. You have to show to yourself that there is a really cool life outside of being with someone. Change your focus.

Sorry to hear you’re also going through the same thing as me. I think given what you’ve said, he is a narcissist and manipulator, trying to use threats of a break to get to you.

That isn’t fair or right. You have to be strong now for you. It will get better.

I have been trying to keep busy and focus on the gym.

Yeah he doesnt sound like a good partner. Emotional blackmail and manipulation is pathetic and low. Keep the chump dumped.

Break ups are going to suck. If they were easy, there wouldn't be forums like this or tons of songs, poems, plays about them. So what you are feeling is natural. On that note there are a few things that you haven't or will realize soon enough. You now have room in your heart and in your life for someone better. Yes I said for someone better. Ill be honest, this guy wanted out and it was all about him. I bet if you think about it, the relationship was one way. You make him happy first and if he is in the mood, he will do something small to make you just happy enough to stay. But if you think about it, you were not happy, you were just in a relationship and you had someone to talk to and show some feelings for you. This guy was not the one for you. There are others and better and now that you have room in your life for this person, in the end you will be happier than you were before.

Don't be afraid of being single. I think this is important for anyone and not just you. People that are afraid of being single or think the status of being 'single' is a bad thing are more apt to get into another relationship that is unfulfilling. Don't get into a relationship just to say you are in a relationship. Use this time to work on you. Find that person that was happy and attracted your guy in the first place. Date, have fun, but don't rush into another relationship. Use this time for you.. spoil yourself.

In the end, this is the best thing to happen to you. You are free of the drama and you don't have to worry about fights, arguments, what he is doing, what he is thinking or what he is planning. Now, this guy sounds like he is not going to go quietly. He loves the power he has over you so he is going to fish around and push your buttons. DO NOT fall for it. Remember how miserable you feel now and next time he wants to be sweet, just think about if you want to feel this bad again. Spoiled milk doesn't get better if you put it back in the fridge.

One helpful tip - try to do things you used to not be able to do because he was around, or because his bad mood or your anxious relationship patterns, would make those experiences not as good as they would have been. It will take some baby steps but the key is to reclaim your life as a single, independent person, with a world of possibilities, and a lot to offer to the world.

Well....you lost a guy who wasn't right for you. Not much of a loss now is it? Just keep reminding yourself of that.

 

Think of it this way - when you are in a relationship, you create a lot of little habits and when the person is gone, what you are missing is those little habits more so than the person. Best way to reduce the pain is to work on creating new habits. Focus on doing little things for yourself that make you feel good. Don't get stuck on just work and home. Step out. Go for a walk, join a rock climbing gym, check out meetup.com and join some active groups and start meeting people and doing some fun random things. You have to show to yourself that there is a really cool life outside of being with someone. Change your focus.

Thank you. Yes, I have an exercise routine. I'm being kind to myself at the moment and giving myself 3 days to grieve and let everything slide. Today is the second day. I hope by tomorrow to go back to the routine.

Sorry to hear you’re also going through the same thing as me. I think given what you’ve said, he is a narcissist and manipulator, trying to use threats of a break to get to you.

 

That isn’t fair or right. You have to be strong now for you. It will get better.

 

I have been trying to keep busy and focus on the gym.

So sorry to hear this Chloe. How has it been for you? I'm trying to be objective and not label my ex as a narcissist because, well, we're all humans and we can be flawed. Sometimes when we're stuck in anger, we might only see the worst in people. I'm trying not to do that otherwise it may affect me and make me stuck in an anger phase.

Yeah he doesnt sound like a good partner. Emotional blackmail and manipulation is pathetic and low. Keep the chump dumped.

Haha thank you. Yes, it's just kinda hard right now. I'm used to having him around.

Break ups are going to suck. If they were easy, there wouldn't be forums like this or tons of songs, poems, plays about them. So what you are feeling is natural. On that note there are a few things that you haven't or will realize soon enough. You now have room in your heart and in your life for someone better. Yes I said for someone better. Ill be honest, this guy wanted out and it was all about him. I bet if you think about it, the relationship was one way. You make him happy first and if he is in the mood, he will do something small to make you just happy enough to stay. But if you think about it, you were not happy, you were just in a relationship and you had someone to talk to and show some feelings for you. This guy was not the one for you. There are others and better and now that you have room in your life for this person, in the end you will be happier than you were before.

 

Don't be afraid of being single. I think this is important for anyone and not just you. People that are afraid of being single or think the status of being 'single' is a bad thing are more apt to get into another relationship that is unfulfilling. Don't get into a relationship just to say you are in a relationship. Use this time to work on you. Find that person that was happy and attracted your guy in the first place. Date, have fun, but don't rush into another relationship. Use this time for you.. spoil yourself.

 

In the end, this is the best thing to happen to you. You are free of the drama and you don't have to worry about fights, arguments, what he is doing, what he is thinking or what he is planning. Now, this guy sounds like he is not going to go quietly. He loves the power he has over you so he is going to fish around and push your buttons. DO NOT fall for it. Remember how miserable you feel now and next time he wants to be sweet, just think about if you want to feel this bad again. Spoiled milk doesn't get better if you put it back in the fridge.

Thank you so much! I needed to hear this. I've also decided to be kind on myself during this period. If I soften, it's not due to weakness but due to love. He did try to take care of me and he provided for me as much as possible. It's just the immature way he handles conflicts that I can't tolerate any more.

One helpful tip - try to do things you used to not be able to do because he was around, or because his bad mood or your anxious relationship patterns, would make those experiences not as good as they would have been. It will take some baby steps but the key is to reclaim your life as a single, independent person, with a world of possibilities, and a lot to offer to the world.

Thank you Saluk. This is what I'm doing - eating stuff that I like but didn't because he hated them.

Sorry this is happening. You know it's unhealthy and that's a good start. As long as you are his on/off yo-yo, you'll never meet a decent guy. He's a control freak and he using this to keep you down and under his thumb. "Used to" is not a good reason to participate in this nonsense.

I'm used to having him around.