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Thread: I dont know what to do

  1. #1

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    I dont know what to do

    I came to this forum almost two years ago to get advice on a previous relationship. I found it very therapeutic to just write out my thoughts and the advice I got was really great and reassuring. I need you all again.

    I have been in a relationship for about 18 months now. This girl is the best thing that has ever happened to me. We have a ton of history, (that dates back to elementary school) and we have a lot in common. We came into each other's lives at a time that was very dark for the both of us individually, and we were sort of a light for each other. We fell in love very quickly because it just seemed so natural. We have done so many amazing things together in the time we have been dating, so it seems very odd that I am not feeling the love i used to for her.

    We have some very big differences though. Religious, political, moral...things that seem like they would end a relationship all by themselves. We manage to push through those things by some kind of miracle. She is very stubborn with her opinions, and I am not a fan of conflict. So i feel like most of these things are resolved by me just giving up and never bringing them up again. I feel it is worth it to do it that way because a vast majority of the time we spend together is actually really fun, and very little time is spent in these arguments. But i find myself getting consumed by this idea that she just really doesnt care about my thoughts and opinions. Perhaps it is related to the countless arguments that result in my opinion being completely unacknowledged? I dont know. I have tried so much lately to get her to understand how I feel. But nothing is changing and I am getting exhausted.

    The relationship has been pretty one sided for quite some time. It is me coming over to her place every day and I have to beg her and convince her just to spend any time at my apartment. (Did I mention she lives with her dad and I live with a roommate?) She hasn't come with me to see my family for 5-6 months and i see hers every time i see her. On top of that, the intimacy we share has been spaced out a month or more at a time and the last time just seemed very forced on her part, and already it has been almost three weeks since then.

    I have friends that say she is being unfair. That she only uses me so she can have someone around 5 out of 7 days of the week. I am definitely an introvert so it is uncomfortable for me to be spending so much time.... entertaining. Any time I try to have for myself is misinterpreted by her as me trying to get away from her because I dont love her.

    I'm really not giving her enough credit in this story, and it does makes me feel bad that I cant list off all the good things too. But I wouldn't be seeking relationship advice if everything was perfect.

    I dont know what to do. End a relationship with the girl who I do believe loves me, or continue on with what seems like never ending conflict and seemingly no hope of compromise?

    Sorry this is so long, but if you read this, thank you for your time.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry to say it—but, hey, you yourself acknowledged that you're not painting a rosy picture here—but this just sounds like two deeply incompatible people in a relationship.

    I don't the know specifics of the "dark" times you each were going through, but relationships built around finding light in darkness tend to be the kind that burn hot and fast—and burn out just as quickly. Been there, believe me. When you're very thirsty, a sip of water feels profound; when you're hydrated, you generally need more to be sated, you know?

    Maybe you guys connected to help each other out of a turbulent period, and there's beauty to that. But maybe now that that period is in the rearview mirror it's clear you're not meant to be real partners—and, well, there's ugliness in pretending otherwise?

    I mean, you're on different pages when it comes to religion, politics, morals? That there is a lot. Of course you find it hard to feel heard, to have your feelings understood. Ask an orange to understand the inner workings of an apple and the orange goes, "But I'm an orange." Neither is lesser. But an orange is not an apple.

    If you countered all that by saying you're having the best sex of you life, the warmest, most sensual, continuously eye-opening and heart-expanding connection you've known—well, then I'd be doing a little toe-tap about how relationships are about compromises, about recognizing which values are essential and which aren't, and maybe a super sensual atheist can find bliss with a super sensual Christian, and so on and so forth.

    But aside from clashes on just about every cerebral/philosophical bonding point, you're also having forced, sporadic sex? Given all that, I can't help but wonder where the connection is, at present, save for the deep bond of being two people who found some light in the dark in what at this point is a different life, a past life.

    I'm sure she's great, even in your portrait of her. When we're upset we can paint in some unforgiving brushstrokes—I get it. But is she great for you? Are you great for her? It really doesn't sound like that, right now. Sounds like you were great for a potent period, that you guys each helped each other find some stability, but now that the waves are smoother the ride is choppier.

  3. #3
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    I don't think you two are right for each other. Having a lot of history doesn't necessarily mean you're a good match.

    You have some significant differences, both in terms of outlook on life and needs in a relationship. Frankly, it sounds like you feel smothered as well.

    If it were me, I would gently but firmly end it.

  4. #4
    Member DimaDemerzel's Avatar
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    It's good that you found someone whom time spent with feels nice (for the most part). I can see why you would think this is worth working on - I would too. I sincerely hope she feels the same way.

    The first main problem I see with this is that she doesn't seem to care much about your feelings. If you're trying to talk to her about issues that won't give you peace of mind and she doesn't seem affected by the way you feel, that's just bad. Maybe she doesn't even realize how she's hurting you, even though you say you've often expressed it. If you really have talked about it as directly as you could, emphasizing how this affects both of you and the worries you have about your relationship because of this, then at this point it's safe to say she just doesn't care if you're okay.

    But aside from clashes on just about every cerebral/philosophical bonding point, you're also having forced, sporadic sex? Given all that, I can't help but wonder where the connection is, at present, save for the deep bond of being two people who found some light in the dark in what at this point is a different life, a past life.
    I'm sure she's great, even in your portrait of her. When we're upset we can paint in some unforgiving brushstrokes—I get it. But is she great for you? Are you great for her? It really doesn't sound like that, right now.
    I wholeheartedly agree with what bluecastle has said here. Are you really connecting on much these days, or are you holding on to someone not really right for you in most ways just because of a nice past together? Ask yourself if you honestly believe things can go back to the way they were. Also, ask her about the sex. Don't let her avoid confrontation on the topics you care about anymore, generally. This clearly needs to be talked about, seriously and as soon as possible. If you make it clear that this is an important time for your relationship and that you feel some serious bad things right now and she still refuses to pay proper attention and talk about it like an adult, it's basically over as by that point she clearly doesn't love you much anymore.

    Don't hesitate to write again with any unclear points or questions! I will be watching the thread. Best of luck! Take care of yourself! ♥

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Any time I try to have for myself is misinterpreted by her as me trying to get away from her because I dont love her.

    This is the most alarming part of your story. It's healthy to enjoy solo time and other time apart from a partner with friends and hobbies. She's possessive, controlling, selfish, and doesn't match you as far as sexual needs goes.

    You're allowing the one-sided relationship and you're allowing her to emotionally manipulate you with her accusations. But even though you've chosen the life of a doormat, it's taking its toll and killing the love you once had for her.

    I don't recommend trying to work things out when there are so many egregious incompatibilities in the relationship. With the great amount of work it would take, with no guaranteed results, if it were me, I'd rather stake my bets on someone new.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DimaDemerzel
    Ask yourself if you honestly believe things can go back to the way they were.
    I'm not sure this is actually the question you want to be asking. It's a dangerous one, since relationships can never "go back to the way they were," just like I, at 39, can't "go back" to the way I was at 30. Everything is forward movement, always, and the gauge of a healthy relationship is if you can move forward, continuously, in harmony.

    A lot of relationships, unhealthy ones, survive by inhaling the exhaust fumes of the past, two people holding onto the collective delusion that they can "get back" to "when things were good." That's nostalgia acting as a prison, fear becoming a bond. A good friend of mine jokingly eludes to this on her Bumble profile, where below her picture she states: "I just want us to get back to where we were"—the joke being, of course, that everyone who gets stuck in that loop eventually gets out of it by breaking up and seeking a new connection that was kinda like the last one, when it was, you know, functional.

    Anyway, I'd take a moment to really take stock of where things are at present and whether you genuinely believe there is the fuel here for forward movement. The past is the past. It's meaningful and special, but it is not now. Make it your engine for moving forward with someone and you'll find yourself spinning in an ever shortening loop that eventually feels like being stuck.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Pardon, I don't think the problem is her. It's you. The problem isn't the relationship either. It's you.

    You're not recognizing your needs in a relationship and you're not assertive enough to voice what matters to you. For example, you recharge being on your own and experiencing down time on your own but you're not doing this out of fear of the unknown or fear of being judged. Why are you so afraid? I'd ask those questions and try and remain positive and a bit more assertive about your needs.

    I really don't feel like you're taking the time or making enough effort to take care of yourself. You also seem to be placing the onus on her to look out for you which is a bit puzzling to me. It's not her responsibility to take care of you or ensure that you're getting what you need. It's up to you to realize whether you're compatible in a relationship with her and whether you engage in all the activities you should be engaging in in order to feel whole as a person outside of the relationship.

    If you don't feel happy here, it's an indicator that things aren't going well. It's a good thing you're searching for answers now rather than later. Be kind to yourself and do what's best for you, out of your own best interests.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok before you scrap the whole thing, try improving some of the poor dynamics and situations. You are spending way to much time together and that is killing the romance and increasing the contempt. No one is "using you" or being "unfair" because they don't want to be with your family.

    Start getting more involved in your own life, your own friends, your own interests, your job, education and your own family. You should not be imposing on her and her family every single day. Get a life outside of this.

    You both have zero privacy. You shouldn't be expecting a ton of intimacy if you are hanging out with her in her parents house. You need to start going out on dates and getting more creative with that. Not hanging with families and roomies. Get some privacy. Go on a picnic, take a walk. Do something to stop this joined at the hip every single day thing. .
    Originally Posted by Stirfry
    The relationship has been pretty one sided for quite some time. It is me coming over to her place every day and I have to beg her and convince her just to spend any time at my apartment. (Did I mention she lives with her dad and I live with a roommate?) She hasn't come with me to see my family for 5-6
    I have friends that say she is being unfair.


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