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Thread: What should I do after seemingly being dumped(?)

  1. #1
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    What should I do after seemingly being dumped(?)

    Sry. Long read. I say this because my situation is a bit complexed.
    I'm 34, man is about 6 yrs younger.
    I matched with a great man on Tinder 6 months ago, we met a few months later after matching. Our first physical introduction was great, he told me how pleasantly surprised he was after seeing me, however, I must admit..I had so much things going on in my life that I just could not lend myself to be completly available to date him at the time.

    He always maintained his interest in me even initiating many texts to me even if they were sporadic.
    So, we finally officially went out on a date a few months later, then a second on back in April.
    That's when I felt the sparks & butterflys in my stomach. I realized I liked him!
    He still showed a great deal of interest in me & would always say how he wanted some "quiet/alone time" with me & I will agree.
    Around a few weeks later, he temporarily moved to NY city. He's there until this month but will be back in town soon.
    I noticed he began acting distant after this, but one late night while I was asleep, he txted me "Wanna come over?" & called me, I returned his call the following day, we spoke briefly with him ending the call saying he'll txt me back because he's at work. So, he txted me asking what day can we get together, I gave him a day, I then texted him the infamous "What do you see me as: a friend or something a little bit more?"
    I asked him this because he's always been a sporadic texter, but has become worst since moving.
    I got no response. I waited a week, finally txted him truly concerned:"Hey, Is everything alright?" He responded and answered my question I asked a week ago. Saying he meant to txt me but was out of town & that he's not in the market for a super serious relationship but is open to it & would really like to speak about this in person." He then asked my available days so he can come into town, I told him the day. I then told him that "I'm not looking for a super serious relationship also, however, I'm not looking for a fwb." He responded "That day sounds good, let me know." Followed by a "What's a fwb? (Confused face) lol"
    I told him"Friends with Benefits" & then...you guessed nothing.
    That was about a month ago. I never got a response, & was flabbergasted & hurt. I'm still a bit devastated.
    Mainly because I connected with him on a deeper level, we shared a common bond because we're both caretakers, so I just assumed there was something a bit more between us especially being that we've been talking for 6 months.
    I'm not tempted to txt him but sometimes, I am. It's been a month. The longest I ever went without speaking to eachother was a month.
    Do I just leave this alone?
    I should point out that in the beggining because of familial issues in my life, I would not msg him for weeks on end, & he always remained persistent & would initiate a msg to me.
    I'm so lonely,do suffer from depression even before this. Prior to him, I have not dated for years by choice for fear of getting hurt,& just when I open up to a man I like, this happens.

  2. #2
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    You scared him off.

    After two dates you were asking him to clarify your relationship? Good grief.

    Dating is about getting to know each other, getting to understand what the other person wants out of life. You DON'T do that through texts, for heaven's sake. Save it for a few months of dating and in person.

    Don't text him. He knows your number.

  3. #3
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    What do you mean by you opened up to him?
    Didnít you only meet him twice?

    Iím guessing he had lots of tinder matches in town and when out of town had lots of time to message everyone randomly but when in town he was actually meeting them.

    As Sarah said you didnít need to ask him to clarify your status, he had only met you twice. And likely was meeting others.
    Thatís the purpose of dating.
    Keep your options open.

    He may simply have met another girl a few more times than you and decded to pursue her instead .
    Who knows?

    But no , donít text him!

  4. #4
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    I understand that I possibly scared him off however, I was not proposing marriage or asking him to impregnate me or meet his parents,etc.
    If a question like that can scare a guy away, what can we ask ?lol. I was gonna ask him over the phone but he sounded distracted, & always takes hours (he says it's because of busy work scedule)to respond so I wanted to get the question out the way.
    I was just simply asking if he saw me just as a freind or fwb, because after receiving that txt about me "coming over" in the middle of the night & sporadic texting, I wanted clarification. I didn't know if he was into me just for sex, relationship, or etc.
    I asked him in the initial text if "he's feeling indifferent towards me, because I sometimes get that vibe."
    Just wanted to know so I knew not to have sex & further find out that's all he wanted. But you're right, I will not txt him.
    Oy, I'm new to this dating thing & in the past, when I did not speak up, things always would end bad for me, like getting used for sex or whatnot, & after being celibate for several years, I wanted to know, since he has been hinting on sex .😩

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  6. #5
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    We opened up to each other, alot over the phone & eventually in person. We've seen each other a total of three times.
    And no, I will not text him.😉. It just sucks because he's the only one who would ask me about my well being because he knows about my situation with taking care of my relative, I was on the verge of caregiver burnout & it felt nice to have someone..for once, ask me how I'm doing, because no ever has. It was refreshing.
    Now,I don't have that no more & I would always ask him of his well being also being he has a similar situation.
    I've learnt my lesson to not be vulnerable around a man & to not put my eggs in one bowl.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    This is not about being vulnerableóso I'd really encourage you to focus that lesson a bit. This is more about managing expectations, and remembering that connection, and romantic connection in particular, is something that forms slowly, over time, and in the third dimension and not on a screen.

    In other words, I think that what you liked about this connection (that it was safe, a way to dip your toes back into the waters of romance) is also what you don't like right now (that it was pretty thin, that it's hard to find depth in a shallow pool).

    It can be very fun to have a new digital pen pal, especially when we're feeling lonely and skittish, but it's not dating. It's just not. That's not to negate that you can form a real bond with people over screens, but it is not dating or romance. It's something else, so to confuse it with dating and romanceówell, that's a recipe for some potential hurt, as you've learned.

    Look, being honest with you? If a woman I'd talked to a bit online and met in person a few times, assuming we haven't been super physical yet, asked me how I "saw" her, then followed up with "Is everything alright?," and then continue to further clarify, my head would jump to: this is someone who is lonely and depressed and wants me to make that go away. And I would not be down for that mission.

    Which, in this case, would be accurate, as you've admitted. So maybe the lesson there is to work on that loneliness and depression rather than think of dating and connecting as the answer. Lot of pressure to put on strangers, that.

    But back to this idea of vulnerability. Being vulnerable is not exposing all your weak spots to someone at light speed and hoping they'll never hurt you, but being genuinely open to exposing yourself, at whatever pace feels right, while knowing you're strong enough to handle the consequences. It's a big difference, and rather than use this as a lesson to further close off to men I'd use it as a lesson to strengthen yourself so you can be genuinely open to men.

  8. #7
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    Frankly I think what you asked him was perfectly fine; imo you weren't asking him to "define" the relationship at all or for a label, you were simply asking where you stood. FWBs or more than that.

    I also think it takes a lot of confidence to ask that question, many woman would not have, for fear of "scaring" him off, but who the h cares, you have a right to know where you stood with him, especially because as you said his texting had been sporadic, and his behavior elusive.

    So good for you for asking that!

    And had he been truly into you, he would have responded by telling you he sees you as more than FWB (even though he professed to not know what FWB meant), and started taking you out on proper dates, versus calling you in the middle of the night asking if you wanted to stop by, after not texting for days or weeks.

    So after he asked what FWB meant and you explained and then very confidently told told him you were NOT up for that, he disappeared. So what does that tell ya?

    I'm not you but it leads me to conclude, combined with his elusive texting and overall elusive behavior in general, that he did only want something akin to an FWB situation with you.

    You didn't scare him away, he simply was not, nor was he ever, interested in having a relationship with you, so me thinks you dodged a bullet, and that you should get up, shake that sh** off and carry on.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 06-04-2019 at 09:44 PM.

  9. #8
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    How is a FWB "on a deeper level?"

    This guy has been all over the place. I'm sure he has a gf or wife.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Ok the time to stop lying to yourself is now...

    this...


    Originally Posted by PuffyParakee
    Our first physical introduction was great, he told me how pleasantly surprised he was after seeing me, however, I must admit..I had so much things going on in my life that I just could not lend myself to be completely available to date him at the time.
    is a contradiction, not only to this:

    Originally Posted by PuffyParakee
    I'm so lonely,do suffer from depression even before this. Prior to him, I have not dated for years by choice for fear of getting hurt,& just when I open up to a man I like, this happens.
    But your actions period, you took the time to create an online profile, you didnt meet him by chance at work or walking down the street. Why start dating if you werent emotionally prepared but also didnt have time? It comes off as game playing.

    Deciphering your mind games, ironically theyre games youre playing on yourself, I think, youre attempting to play the cool girl who doesnt really want a relationship, but you approached this as someone who desperately wants a relationship, so much so that she seeks validation and labels after the second meet, that is not someone not looking for a 'serious' relationship, its someone thinking she can trick a guy who seriously isnt looking for anything serious into a relationship, even more irony, hes open to discussing things, but doesnt want to discuss something so serious as 'what am I to you' over text, which honestly he sounds like a decent dude, but as others said you are chasing him away with your baggage and games.

    You cant date like this.

    Stop.

    Breathe.

    Seek counseling to deal with your past.

    Figure out what you truly want.

    Know your boundaries.

    Express your dating goals early and in person. Not over text, theres nothing brave about it, its validation seeking to date claiming you dont want anything serious but then asking " what do you see me as? A friend?",

    No more playing, look who gets hurt.

  11. #10
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    I'm sorry FIO, what label was she asking for? She simply wanted to know where she stood, FWB or more, and then stating her boundaries (she wasn't up for FWB), is that not what folks on here encourage women to do early on, so as to avoid being led on or strung along?

    I don't think it matters whether it was done via text or in person, what's important was that they were communicating.

    She asked a question and got her answer. Good for her.

    OP, clearly you were not on the same page re what you both wanted out of your interaction, time to move on.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 06-04-2019 at 10:02 PM.

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