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Thread: What should I do after seemingly being dumped(?)

  1. #31
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    Originally Posted by PuffyParakee
    Sry. Long read. I say this because my situation is a bit complexed.
    I'm 34, man is about 6 yrs younger.
    I matched with a great man on Tinder 6 months ago, we met a few months later after matching. Our first physical introduction was great, he told me how pleasantly surprised he was after seeing me, however, I must admit..I had so much things going on in my life that I just could not lend myself to be completly available to date him at the time.
    Which, being a man who was not looking for a relationship, made you appear all that more intriguing to him at the time.

    Originally Posted by PuffyParakee
    He always maintained his interest in me even initiating many texts to me even if they were sporadic.
    So, we finally officially went out on a date a few months later, then a second on back in April.
    This right here^ reinforces the fact he was not looking for a RL. Had he been interested in you and seeking a relationship with you (1) his texting would not have been sporadic (days or weeks went by according to a later post) and (2) your dates would not have been months apart.

    Anyway, nuff said from me, again hopefully lesson learned for next time.

  2. #32
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I just read your post #20. Thanks for the update. Keep your chin up. You will be fine! Take care of yourself.

  3. #33
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I'm not sure what you were hoping for in this connection with a guy six years your junior. He gave up on you a long time ago when you were going through your bouts of depression and familial issues (post #1) and didn't respond to him appropriately. I also hope you've got your depression somewhat under control and are seeing someone for this or are being treated (I'm more concerned about this than what happens with this guy). Please take care of yourself.

    In the end I think he saw you more as a hook up only. I'm sorry to say that. It doesn't get more basic or fwb than that and you blew your chances at the start. If you connected on a deeper level, that ship sailed. I don't think it's a good idea to meet someone in person months down the line after initially 'meeting' online. That meet up should have happened that same week or neither of you should have initiated any conversations if you weren't local/within meeting distance at the time. This is of course still only my opinion of online dating. Try to be realistic about meeting anyone and don't postpone meeting anyone for too long. If you're not serious about dating anyone, just don't date, period.

    Please let this person go and take care of your depression.
    I really appreciate that & I do plan on seeing a therapist in the near future.
    I will let him go. Thanx for the great advice. I'm not going to jeopardize my mental health for man who's obviously not even thinking about me.
    Good riddance to him, & all though I'm still a bit heartbroken ,I'm relieved he began showing his true colors now instead of later.
    I see it as him doing me a favour in that regard. Again, thanx for your concern.

  4. #34
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    puffy, jmo but you didn't blow anything. It takes two and your interaction, no matter how sporadic and elusive it was, served a purpose for both of you at the time.

    But it was not sustainable because I don't believe either of you were available or even desirous of having a real relationship.

    I know he wasn't for obvious reasons, but I don't believe you were either otherwise the situation would not have been acceptable to you for as long as it was.

    Him disappearing for weeks (months?) at a time, your dates being months apart. Straight from the beginning, this was the dynamic.

    I am sorry, but no woman seeking a relationship would have stuck around for that.

    Again, jmo and things to consider moving forward.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 06-05-2019 at 08:29 PM.

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  6. #35
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    Kat no one is saying you shouldn’t ask what someone’s dating goals are

    Look at her words

    She didn’t ask his dating goals she asked what she was to him.

    Two completely different things

    You keep using these sweeping generalizations and the phrase ‘brave’ there is nothing brave about allowing your anxiety to manifest itself into texting such a question after two dates, again she did not ask his dating goals (what are you looking for) she asked what she was to him.

    Two. Different. Questions

    What are your dating goals?

    Do you want to date me?

    Different. One is general then other is personalized.
    Also those types of question should never be asked by text. I think he was a flake from the get go and wasn't interested in a relationship so your question didn't change anything anyway.

  7. #36
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    Originally Posted by Annia
    Also those types of question should never be asked by text. I think he was a flake from the get go and wasn't interested in a relationship so your question didn't change anything anyway.
    Yeah. I agree that should have never been asked by text.
    It's amazing the different type of advice I get from different people.
    I asked my friends what should do & should I text him?
    They told me to take my chance because what do I have to lose.
    They also said that this guy may turn out to be "the one".
    Lol. I'm leaning towards NOT texting him because you never have to remind a man that you exist, however, texting is one huge recipe for miscommunication, & he's probably wondering if he should text me also. Probably, I mean I'm not gonna delude myself, he's probably not even thinking about me.
    Either way, I'm not gonna text him, because like you mentioned..his past behaviours has been flaky.
    He'll more than likely respond if I was to txt him, but then he'll turn cold again & more than likely not make any sold arrangements to see me.
    Definitely a NO.

  8. #37
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'd agree with your friends, actually, but only in theory. Meaning: if you had a more realistic understanding of all this stuff going in, during, and perhaps at present. If you saw him, right now, for all he's ever been: a dude from an app who you've met twice and are kinda curious about, rather than someone you've been emotionally invested in for 6 months—and, in your mind, dating the whole time.

    No judgement about all that; we're living in strange times. But I think that's the biggest lesson here, to make these strange times less strange by understanding them: that the differences between "dating," "meeting someone twice from a dating app," and "texting someone from a dating app" are not subtle or shades of the same thing. If the first is Earth, the second is Mars, the third Pluto (recently declassified as even being a planet).

    For everything that has been said about this guy—his flakiness, his loin-centric intentions and aspirations—I actually think he's had a pretty realistic view about how all this works. Like you, he's a bit lonesome and too-thirsty in his own way—his pokes and orbiting being an extension of that—but even if he was someone telling his friends over drinks that he was "ready for a relationship and swiping with only relationships in mind" it would have been asking a lot to hope he'd be able to firmly and soothingly define something that had yet to exist.

  9. #38
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    He's not interested. You're already on tinder so just keep messaging and meeting men. Learn to communicate better and not play games or be coy with rhetorical questions etc.. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Use actions and demeanor to express who you are, talk is cheap.
    Originally Posted by PuffyParakee
    I got no response.
    then...you guessed nothing.
    That was about a month ago.
    I never got a response

  10. #39
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    He's not interested. You're already on tinder so just keep messaging and meeting men. Learn to communicate better and not play games or be coy with rhetorical questions etc.. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Use actions and demeanor to express who you are, talk is cheap.
    Thanks so much for the advice. I've learned my lesson the hard way.
    As dissapointing as I am that it did not work out, I still think he was a great sweet guy.
    I just think there was alot of miscommunication.
    Plus, he's in N.Y. city temporarily; A melting pot of beautiful women & he's younger than me.
    So, I can't blame him for weighing out his options & just wanting to have fun.
    I now know that if a guy just likes to text, I'm going to be more adamant on communicating in person or over the phone, be less passive,and to preferably date someone who's my age.

  11. #40
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by PuffyParakee
    Actually, a 4 HOUR LONG introduction, 2 dates afterwards, further planning on his end for a third date.
    He seemed enthusiastic prior to moving to NY city, which is why I eventually asked that question.
    I was asking him if he wanted just sex or further dating. I know now the way I worded it got lost in translation & was misinterpreted.

    Anyway, I do not want to derail OPs thread. That's insensitive considering what she's going through, but why are so snappy & rude & towards me.
    I already feel sh-tty about the situation.
    I'm a respectful & nice person both online & IRL.
    "Gurl Bye." & "Don't twist the story."
    Who do you think you are? My virtual mom? You don't tell me what I can't or not do in such a dismissive manner.
    I'm not articulate with putting my words on paper but were you there with me throughout the experience for you to say "I'm twisting the story."?
    I will respond to you on your own thread. I apologize if I came off dismissive or rude, but you are indeed twisting the story you originally told, I don't think you're doing so to be deceitful, I think youre doing so because you're still convincing yourself this was more than it was.

    Originally Posted by PuffyParakee
    I think it was a combination of things. In my thread, I knew a guy for about 6 mths and asked that "Are we friends or something a little bit more?" Question and was told that it was way too soon to ask that question,
    ^^this is sugar coating what happened^^ By saying you 'knew' him for 6 months it comes off like you two were connecting and dating all that time, but you weren't, you were intermittent text buddies, it doesn't matter if your first date was 12 hours, it still counts as a first date/meet.

    I'm glad you reached this point:

    Originally Posted by PuffyParakee
    Thanks so much for the advice. I've learned my lesson the hard way.
    As dissapointing as I am that it did not work out, I still think he was a great sweet guy.
    I just think there was alot of miscommunication.
    Plus, he's in N.Y. city temporarily; A melting pot of beautiful women & he's younger than me.
    So, I can't blame him for weighing out his options & just wanting to have fun.
    I now know that if a guy just likes to text, I'm going to be more adamant on communicating in person or over the phone, be less passive,and to preferably date someone who's my age.
    Its not about being adamant to talk on the phone but being adamant to actually date, texting and phone calls are not relationship makers, enhancers sure but you need to be in person to ensure its real.

    Age has very little to do with it in my opinion, you have some baggage to sift through, I wouldnt even call your dating style passive, it was more fear based.

    Im not judging you, Ive been where you are, many have, the hardest thing for me to do was to take ownership for what i was doing to stand in my own way.

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