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Thread: What should I do after seemingly being dumped(?)

  1. #21
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    "What do you see me as: a friend or something a little bit more?"


    ^^^^ I don't know how anyone can NOT see this as asking for a label for what they are are.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by SarahLancaster
    "What do you see me as: a friend or something a little bit more?"


    ^^^^ I don't know how anyone can NOT see this as asking for a label for what they are are.
    I didn't see it and still don't see it. I asked before but what sort of label was she asking for exactly?

    She was simply asking (in a different way) what his dating goals are, is he looking for a friend (FWB) or more? Which nearly everyone on this forum advises women to do early on.

    Okay it's a bold move asking that question with respect to her, but I still see nothing wrong with it, and actually applaud her for having the confidence to ask. As women we're taught not to, for fear of scaring the guy off, but screw that.

    As I said, she asked a question, she got her answer. Which is he wants sex, otherwise he would not have disappeared after she told him she wasn't up for just that (FWB).

    And what if she had not asked? She would have still been floundering around in her head wondering what the hell was going on and what his MO was.

    For me, I would not have asked because when a man is that elusive and non-engaging, texting sporadically, disappearing for weeks, and when he does finally reach out (late at night when I'm sleeping), instead of asking me out on a proper date, he asks if I want to stop by his place, it's pretty darn obvious what he's after.

    So for me, my sense/intuition is so strong, no need to ask.

    But in the OP's case, she needed to ask, and I say good for her, cause now she knows he's not looking for a relationship (at least not with her) and can detach and move on.

    Just my opinion and interpretation based on what she's written here.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 06-05-2019 at 01:38 PM.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Kat no one is saying you shouldn’t ask what someone’s dating goals are

    Look at her words

    She didn’t ask his dating goals she asked what she was to him.

    Two completely different things

    You keep using these sweeping generalizations and the phrase ‘brave’ there is nothing brave about allowing your anxiety to manifest itself into texting such a question after two dates, again she did not ask his dating goals (what are you looking for) she asked what she was to him.

    Two. Different. Questions

    What are your dating goals?

    Do you want to date me?

    Different. One is general then other is personalized.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    Kat no one is saying you shouldn’t ask what someone’s dating goals are

    Look at her words

    She didn’t ask his dating goals she asked what she was to him.

    Two completely different things

    You keep using these sweeping generalizations and the phrase ‘brave’ there is nothing brave about allowing your anxiety to manifest itself into texting such a question after two dates, again she did not ask his dating goals (what are you looking for) she asked what she was to him.

    Two. Different. Questions

    What are your dating goals?

    Do you want to date me?

    Different. One is general then other is personalized.
    Okay being the open-minded person that I am , fair enough, I see your point, but nevertheless, as I said she asked a question and got her answer. Now she can move on.

    I really don't think the outcome would have changed had she phrased it the way you suggested, guy was a total flake from the get go!! I mean, his sporadic texting, disappearing for weeks, him texting her late at night essentially requesting a booty call?

    And now, after telling him she wasn't interested in FWB, he has totally ghosted her.

    If I have any advice for the OP, it would be pay attention to these glaring red flags!! The man is obviously not interested in pursuing anything even remotely resembling a "relationship" with you.

    Try to not get so attached to the outcome of any dating experience you have, on line or in real life. Observe, observe, observe.

    Determine if HE is the right man for YOU. Given his ever-so-elusive behavior from the beginning, if me it would not have taken me very long to bid farewell to this flake, whose actions would clearly indicate to me he was not interested.

    Anyway, hopefully lesson learned and best of luck moving forward.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 06-05-2019 at 05:09 PM.

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  6. #25
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    "Mainly because I connected with him on a deeper level, we shared a common bond because we're both caretakers, so I just assumed there was something a bit more between us especially being that we've been talking for 6 months.
    I'm not tempted to txt him but sometimes, I am. It's been a month. The longest I ever went without speaking to eachother was a month.
    Do I just leave this alone?"

    The guy was definitely a flake who was only after sex. Let him go and move on. You are not going to find what you are looking for though by texting for months and months and seeing each other once or twice. It just wont work. Nobody who is stable with themselves is going to be able to tell you if they see you as a friend or something more after 6 months of texting and 3 dates. Dating, especially early on, is a million little tiny steps forward. Online contact, while nice, can give the impression that you have made those steps when you have not. It's odd how easy it is to carry on silly jokes and things over text with a lot of space in between and feel like you are developing a connection, when most of the time all it can do is maintain whatever level of connection you already had. Both parties can act as if they are further on the timeline than they actually are. Eventually reality will come up and someone will realize there is no foundation.

    I think you BOTH realized this. When he realized there was no foundation, he switched modes and was like, well maybe we can just have sex. When you realized it, you panic-ed and were like "wait, what is our relationship status?" Both responses are understandable, if slightly unflattering :P

    Finding out goals and compatibility level is really important, You should be doing this, in person, at the same time as you are judging attraction level. If you focus too much on one aspect (in your case it seems like you were mostly focused on the initial attraction plus having someone to talk to every once in a while), the other parts will get out of balance. In a relationship that's developing, by the time you ask "are we friends or something more?" it shouldn't really be a question that begs an answer. You will both already know, it is just nice to acknowledge.

  7. #26
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    @saluk, spot on.

    >>Mainly because I connected with him on a deeper level, we shared a common bond because we're both caretakers, so I just assumed there was something a bit more between us...<<

    OP, going forward, never "assume" anything when it comes to dating or anything else for that matter. Pay attention to his actions, and stop projecting your feelings on to him.

    It was very clear, to me at least, from your very first post, guy was a total flake, and not interested in a relationship with you. Doesn't mean a hill of beans that you share a common bond, such as being caretakers, what matters is his actions towards you, and when a man rarely texts, disappears for days or weeks, texts you late at night requesting you "stop by" (translation: let's have sex!), pay attention to that and respond accordingly.

    Which for most women with even a modicum of self-esteem (including myself) would mean walking away and looking for a man who was interested in what I was interested in --> consistently spending time together on actual in-person dates, and developing a RL.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by saluk
    "Mainly because I connected with him on a deeper level, we shared a common bond because we're both caretakers, so I just assumed there was something a bit more between us especially being that we've been talking for 6 months.
    I'm not tempted to txt him but sometimes, I am. It's been a month. The longest I ever went without speaking to eachother was a month.
    Do I just leave this alone?"

    The guy was definitely a flake who was only after sex. Let him go and move on. You are not going to find what you are looking for though by texting for months and months and seeing each other once or twice. It just wont work. Nobody who is stable with themselves is going to be able to tell you if they see you as a friend or something more after 6 months of texting and 3 dates. Dating, especially early on, is a million little tiny steps forward. Online contact, while nice, can give the impression that you have made those steps when you have not. It's odd how easy it is to carry on silly jokes and things over text with a lot of space in between and feel like you are developing a connection, when most of the time all it can do is maintain whatever level of connection you already had. Both parties can act as if they are further on the timeline than they actually are. Eventually reality will come up and someone will realize there is no foundation.

    I think you BOTH realized this. When he realized there was no foundation, he switched modes and was like, well maybe we can just have sex. When you realized it, you panic-ed and were like "wait, what is our relationship status?" Both responses are understandable, if slightly unflattering :P

    Finding out goals and compatibility level is really important, You should be doing this, in person, at the same time as you are judging attraction level. If you focus too much on one aspect (in your case it seems like you were mostly focused on the initial attraction plus having someone to talk to every once in a while), the other parts will get out of balance. In a relationship that's developing, by the time you ask "are we friends or something more?" it shouldn't really be a question that begs an answer. You will both already know, it is just nice to acknowledge.
    Thanx for your response. I personally despise texting, don't really like talking on the phone either, however I love face to face contact with people in general.
    It just seems our means of communication was mainly via texting because he has mentioned many times he's always on the road, so texting is easier.
    Once, I made the effort to call him, no awkward pauses but he sounded distracted & he ended the call abruptly stating that he was working & would TEXT me back. I hung up kind of frustrated because at that point, it seems like the man was busier than a the president of the United States.
    When he did finally text back hours later apologizing, I've had it..that's when I felt backed into the corner to text him the now infamous heinous question!
    Because I cant communicate with you via phone because you're always busy, you're out of town, so God knows when I'll see you. I do agree that I should not have asked that question via text.
    And I also agree that texting may feel one way to one person, but a completely different way to someone else. I now understand that.

  9. #28
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    OP, ^^ just more flakiness, geez!

    Please learn when a man is interested in you, and developing a RL with you, there is no such thing as "too busy."

    >>Because I cant communicate with you via phone because you're always busy, you're out of town, so God knows when I'll see you.<<

    Oh goody lordy, did you actually text him this?

    If so, now I see what others were talking about! Please learn how to (1) manage expectations, and (2) manage your anxiety!

    I still don't believe the outcome would have changed, but it's generally not smart to confront a man like that, especially in these precarious early stages; if that was truly how you felt, just say goodbye and walk away.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by PuffyParakee
    Thanx for your response. I personally despise texting, don't really like talking on the phone either, however I love face to face contact with people in general.
    It just seems our means of communication was mainly via texting because he has mentioned many times he's always on the road, so texting is easier.
    Once, I made the effort to call him, no awkward pauses but he sounded distracted & he ended the call abruptly stating that he was working & would TEXT me back. I hung up kind of frustrated because at that point, it seems like the man was busier than a the president of the United States.
    When he did finally text back hours later apologizing, I've had it..that's when I felt backed into the corner to text him the now infamous heinous question!
    Because I cant communicate with you via phone because you're always busy, you're out of town, so God knows when I'll see you. I do agree that I should not have asked that question via text.
    And I also agree that texting may feel one way to one person, but a completely different way to someone else. I now understand that.
    Right! Like, it's not that your question was bad. It's that you were at the end of your rope because deep down you knew things where not in sync. If someone is not available the way you need them to be, no need to continue. But the elongated time period makes it harder on you because you increased your expectations.

    For next time, maybe try to come up with a plan to follow. Everyone has a different style. For instance, you will see someone once a week with minimal contact during the week. You will give it 4 weeks and then if you still like each other, and they have passed your other bars see if they would agree to be exclusive. Before then, you can date others so that you don't get too attached to someone just because they are there. And somewhere in there ascertain important dealbreakers like if they are hoping for a serious relationship or just casually dating etc. If someone can't go along with your plan - so busy you can only see them once a month for instance - then the timing isn't going to be right and you don't date them. If you find out they are not really looking for a serious relationship, you don't date them. If they aren't ready to be exclusive when you are, don't date them. etc.

    All of that was just an example - everyone has their own dating style and what they are looking for. And yeah - if you are a little too busy for your own *ideal* dating style, maybe that's a good time to take a break from dating.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm not sure what you were hoping for in this connection with a guy six years your junior. He gave up on you a long time ago when you were going through your bouts of depression and familial issues (post #1) and didn't respond to him appropriately. I also hope you've got your depression somewhat under control and are seeing someone for this or are being treated (I'm more concerned about this than what happens with this guy). Please take care of yourself.

    In the end I think he saw you more as a hook up only. I'm sorry to say that. It doesn't get more basic or fwb than that and you blew your chances at the start. If you connected on a deeper level, that ship sailed. I don't think it's a good idea to meet someone in person months down the line after initially 'meeting' online. That meet up should have happened that same week or neither of you should have initiated any conversations if you weren't local/within meeting distance at the time. This is of course still only my opinion of online dating. Try to be realistic about meeting anyone and don't postpone meeting anyone for too long. If you're not serious about dating anyone, just don't date, period.

    Please let this person go and take care of your depression.

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