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Thread: What should I do after seemingly being dumped(?)

  1. #11
    Platinum Member shellyf62's Avatar
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    I think the "quiet/alone time" he wanted with you was in his apartment, between his sheets.

    Block his number & move on.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Yes, leave this alone. Actions speak louder than words. It's over.

    In the future, focus on establishing a solid friendship first and then proceed into a relationship if this rapport is going somewhere more serious. Do that in order before asking heavy duty questions. I know you want commitment but I think you were premature with your direct questioning. I agree with everyone else, you scared him off. He wasn't ready to have serious questions directed at him so soon.

    In the future take your friendship and relationship SLOWER and allow the rapport to blossom on its own. Take one day at a time as opposed to commanding immediate answers regarding your future together with him. Allow friendships and relationships to develop GRADUALLY. Never slam anyone by cornering them with awkward questions they're not prepared to answer. Those types of questions need to be saved for later after the friendship and relationship had matured to the next level.

    There's nothing wrong to open up to a man. However, keep the timing in mind. There is a time and place for everything and you chose the wrong time and place in your young relationship at 6 months.

    Tread lightly in the future especially when a relationship is still relatively new. Take one day and one month at a time. Don't command instant answers regarding your expectations otherwise you'll cause the other man to flee, ghost, block, etc.

  3. #13
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    I appreciate your response but will have to disagree with you.
    I don't understand when you say I contradicted myself.
    I was being honest in admitting that I was overwhelmed with life occurrences at the time & expressed that to him after the fact, because once we met up, that's when life got hectic for me.
    Prior, to meeting him, I did not think that what was going on in my life was gonna progress to a worst situation or conflict with dating him.
    However, the more I got to know him, even when I told him that all though we did match & I did like him; I told him early on "I now have alot going on & wanna be present when we go out because I do like you & will call you when things simmer down in my life."
    He was relentless in a charming way.
    I still felt overwhelmed by personal issues with the relative I was taking care of, so, I NEVER initiated a text to him as to not be inconsistent with him, so I did not play games with him.
    If anything, if he did not hear the text from me,even after I told him I will contact him when things settle down,he actually would initiate a msg to me after a couple of weeks like, "Things calmed down yet?" "Too busy to msg me?" "What's up, How's your relative?" Each text would space out between weeks.
    Unlike ALOT of men, I'm not a GHOSTER, so I'd always extend common courtesy & respond...Something that men seem to not know how to do.
    Even after expressing to him, life is still hectic, he charmingly convinced me to take some time out & go out with him. That's when I fell for him & he did not become distant until he moved to NY city & I asked that question.
    How am I chasing him away with my baggage when he has told me some heavy stuff about his life also & I've only ever mentioned my relative when he'd always ask.
    So...pls tell me where am I playing games?😕

  4. #14
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    lol. I know the "quiet/alone" time he hept mentioning was between the sheets. There's no need to block him, because I know he will not be contacting me no more. It's a lesson learned. Apparently, I should have not asked him what he wanted.

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  6. #15
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    Ahh, thank you for your feedback. I'm naive & inexperienced to dating so I'm truly confused.
    I asked him that question because I did not want him to come visit me thinking he was going to be intimate with me under the notion of FWB.
    And I assume if I did sleep with him without asking that question, and after the fact, he began acting funny/distant, I would get told I should have verified what he wanted first before I slept with him.
    In the future, I'll just let things happen organically.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by PuffyParakee
    lol. I know the "quiet/alone" time he hept mentioning was between the sheets. There's no need to block him, because I know he will not be contacting me no more. It's a lesson learned. Apparently, I should have not asked him what he wanted.
    You didnt ask him what he wanted. Asking dating goals is absolutely something one should do, you did NOT do that

    Originally Posted by PuffyParakee
    I noticed he began acting distant after this, but one late night while I was asleep, he txted me "Wanna come over?" & called me, I returned his call the following day, we spoke briefly with him ending the call saying he'll txt me back because he's at work. So, he txted me asking what day can we get together, I gave him a day, I then texted him the infamous "What do you see me as: a friend or something a little bit more?"
    That is completely different than, 'what are you looking for?' you asked him a loaded question.

    Originally Posted by PuffyParakee
    I appreciate your response but will have to disagree with you.
    I don't understand when you say I contradicted myself.
    I was being honest in admitting that I was overwhelmed with life occurrences at the time & expressed that to him after the fact, because once we met up, that's when life got hectic for me.
    Prior, to meeting him, I did not think that what was going on in my life was gonna progress to a worst situation or conflict with dating him.
    However, the more I got to know him, even when I told him that all though we did match & I did like him; I told him early on "I now have alot going on & wanna be present when we go out because I do like you & will call you when things simmer down in my life."
    He was relentless in a charming way.
    I still felt overwhelmed by personal issues with the relative I was taking care of, so, I NEVER initiated a text to him as to not be inconsistent with him, so I did not play games with him.
    If anything, if he did not hear the text from me,even after I told him I will contact him when things settle down,he actually would initiate a msg to me after a couple of weeks like, "Things calmed down yet?" "Too busy to msg me?" "What's up, How's your relative?" Each text would space out between weeks.
    Unlike ALOT of men, I'm not a GHOSTER, so I'd always extend common courtesy & respond...Something that men seem to not know how to do.
    Even after expressing to him, life is still hectic, he charmingly convinced me to take some time out & go out with him. That's when I fell for him & he did not become distant until he moved to NY city & I asked that question.
    How am I chasing him away with my baggage when he has told me some heavy stuff about his life also & I've only ever mentioned my relative when he'd always ask.
    So...pls tell me where am I playing games?😕
    You're playing games, hes playing games, he chased you and chased you and chased you and when you gave in his goal was reached, he backed off, traveled, causing you to feel insecure, you asked a heavy question, over text, seeking validation when your interactions didn't rise to the occasion. You weren't dating in a traditional sense you started a game of cat and mouse,I don't buy the whole I couldnt concentrate on dating even though I created a dating profile and checked it and interacted on it even though I was completely overwhelmed and couldn't concentrate on dating, its a game, Im not saying youre lying about your family situation or that you were overwhelmed, I'm saying you made a conscious choice to interact with this man while you had family issues on top of this:

    Originally Posted by PuffyParakee
    I'm so lonely,do suffer from depression even before this. Prior to him, I have not dated for years by choice for fear of getting hurt,& just when I open up to a man I like, this happens.
    I think he was always upfront with you, he chased you, but he wasnt looking for anything serious, those were his words.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    OP one thing I notice was that you said you werenít looking for anything serious but then said in the same breath you didnít want an FWB relationship. What I take from that is that you do at some point want something serious because you donít want casual.... so why not just own it?

    I say this because I think we tend to say we donít want serious in order to avoid scaring someone off but if thatís what you want then be true to yourself and say so.

    Also I agree with blue...it may have felt like a relationship to you because you communicated online for so long... the reality is that itís a false sense of intimacy and that in reality what you guys had was a few dates and nothing more.

    Personally I avoid the whole ďwhat are weĒ question because itís a question driven by insecurity and anxiety. Besides if I canít tell what we are (he hasnít made his interest clear) there is a good chance he just isnít that into me in which case.... next.

  9. #18
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    I think after 2 dates it is too soon to start placing boundaries because after2 dates how can you possibly know yourself if you want to date this guy. Sure, you want a 3rd date, after the 3rd, you might want a 4th and so on .
    But after 2 dates you donít decide you want a 12th date.
    Dating is a gradual process and after several regular dates you might want to discuss how to proceed, from dating exclusively , to a relationship.
    Discuss boundaries then or prior if the subject of intimacy is brought up.
    But not in between a 2nd and 3rd date over the phone or by text.

    If you want a serious relationship you first have to date. And dating is a risk. No one can guarantee the outcome. Not him or you.

    But the fact that he did suggest alone time was likely his way of saying he wants sex. And texting you at night.

    If you arenít comfortable with that, you suggest an alternate time and place to meet that you are comfortable with.
    If he declines , you know he isnít interested in dating you.

    So move onto the next guy.

    Some guys will suggest sex early on but if they do like you they will be ok to wait until you are ready. Doesnít mean they wonít try their luck though!

    Just get out there, start dating and remember players with plenty of options will still put in the effort early on until they know itís not going their way. And by that yes they will ask about your life because they know that reels women in.

  10. #19
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    I see you bouncing around all over the place. You admittedly would take 2 weeks to reach out to him, and only after he took the time to reach out to you. I feel like at some point, he "got the hint" or possibly decided you were too unavailable, whether it was casual sex only, or something more. Possibly he made a mistake by attaching himself to someone on the screen and built up a fantasy, who knows? But the bottom line is, you were absent, a lot. Then he backs off communication and suddenly the sky is falling and you come after him with this define the relationship type of question. Your actions and words are not aligning.

    As already stated, I think you need to decide what you want and own it. You actively got online to date and interacted, yet at the same time, pulled a disappearing act for weeks with sporadic communication, stating you were too busy, and I'm not sure you ever reached out to him first; instead responding to him after two weeks went by, and quite possibly after more than one unanswered text. When your guy pulled back on his communication, look at what you were thinking. Do you think he was going through the same thing when you didn't communicate with him?

    When you very sporadically make contact, always busy, do you think that expresses a LTR or casual? Does it express LTR or penpal?

    Decide what you want and then work it. If your life is too busy, put dating on hold until you have the time or you have the ability to make the time. Or you can determine if something more casual works for you. Sex will become an issue, so do you want a buddy, a casual relationship, or something more real?

    It's always harder on the person less busy. If your crazy schedules align on rare occasion and the relationship works, great! However, if you're way too busy and he wants more...again, it really doesn't matter if it's serious or casual, he's going to move on. If you want serious, be clear on that. Your profile should say it. Be more diligent about making the time for it.

    There's just a lot of inconsistency, and I think that's the major issue here. You want serious, but you're unable or unwilling to dedicate the time towards it.

  11. #20
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    Thanx everyone for your responses. ☺
    I don't have much ppl I'm close to, so hearing different perspectives on this situation was extremely helpful.
    And I do agree, that I think I don't even know what I want, & it definitely manifests itself in my relationships.
    I'm a mildly shy introvert, yet I do want companionship, but do like some solitude,especially when I'm experiencing a hardship in my personal life, which may explain why I was so unavailable to him in the beginning.
    But I'm still learning & after reading responses,I now know to not be so wishy washy in the future because I think I come off as a scatterbrain to these men because of my indecisiveness.
    It's not intentional on my end,I don't play games, I truly don't know I'm doing it until sh-t hits the fan & I self reflect.
    I do plan on putting myself out there in terms of dating, but I'm going to give myself time because allthough I only knew this guy for 6 months and only met him three times, I did kind of put high expectations of what I thought was gonna become of our friendship, which is not a good thing.
    So, I'm just gonna give myself time to recover from this one.
    My dilemma, I guess is trying to meet men that just do not want sex.
    When they realize I'm not having sex without a minimal amount of commitment they dissapear. In the past, when I did have sex, they'd lose interest & dissapear.
    I seem to only attract men that only want sex & not a relationship with me. It's a bit discouraging.
    So, I'm also working on trying to weed out the type of men that are quick to want me as just the fwb woman.
    I've now been single & celibate for 7 yrs & I do want companionship.

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