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Not sure how to convince a buddy of mine to walk away


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Ok, so basically a friend of mine has had this female friend for years and has been infatuated with her for as long as I can remember. She dated some other guy for about a year and a half but then broke up and his feelings for her started to come back - they met up, she ended up kissing him a few times but then backtracked over it and told him it wasn't what she wanted. He still held on to hope though, but then got an absolute knife in the heart when he found out that his flatmate (and best friend) had been seeing her behind his back, having introduced them. His mate knew all about his feelings for her, and the girl basically led him on and used him for attention/affection, despite claiming to be a friend.

 

So I've basically told him he needs to cut contact with this girl completely, it's getting him down to the point where he's seriously depressed and barely able to function, he's in bits over it. For me he will never get past his feelings for her and being friends while she's with this guy is going to eat him up inside, but he's adamant he wants to stay friends with her, but again I feel this is out of some desperate hope she'll change her mind. The flatmate he's furious at and won't even speak to, but for some reason he's like a little lapdog and is going to go back to the same dynamic with this girl who clearly (in my opinion) has no respect whatsoever for his feelings. She slept with this flatmate the same night he found out even though she knew he was in a horrible place mentally, she's just been entirely selfish. I get you can't control your feelings for someone but there are ways you treat your friends and you certainly don't lead them on and then a week later bang their flatmate, not if you're a good friend.

 

Basically I was wondering if anyone on here had experience of a similar situation, and if so what convinced you to finally cut contact/how were you able to convince someone to do that? I know the decision is up to him ultimately, but I know his mental health is suffering horrifically from all of it (he can't focus on anything else) and I feel powerless to help him. She's absolutely a toxic influence on his life and has always just used him when she sees fit (wasn't interested at all when she had a boyfriend) because she knows how he feels about her and imo it boosts her ego and gives her a sense of power.

 

He's also said some pretty worrying things about how bad he feels about life and how her coming up to see him was pretty much all he had to look forward to, so I'm honestly really worried about him. All of this has hit him like a bomb.

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You walk away from people who don't respect you. That has generally been how I roll. Why surround yourself with people who don't care about you?

 

As for "her coming up to see him was pretty much all he had to look forward to". Would he be willing to go to counselling / therapy if he isn't already? I highly recommend this. If he is unable to afford this at the moment, I know that you can talk to a counsellor for free at a church. There are also free prevention hotlines (for suicide, depression, anxiety, etc). Which country does he live in? Maybe he would like to talk to us here at enotalone?

 

That, walking away from her is the healthiest choice for him, is something he must figure out on his own. Often you can offer someone a solution, but they might not act on it until they discover that same solution on their own. You can guide him in that quest, steer him in the right direction, so keep reaching out to him.

 

Meanwhile, what he most likely needs is hope.

 

I don't know who said this (it's apparently a Chinese proverb), but this quote is pretty powerful in my view:

As long as we have hope, we have direction, the energy to move, and the map to move by. We have a hundred alternatives, a thousand paths and an infinity of dreams. Hopeful, we are halfway to where we want to go; hopeless, we are lost forever.

 

 

He is blessed to have you as a friend! Wishing you and your friend the very best!

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You walk away from people who don't respect you. That has generally been how I roll. Why surround yourself with people who don't care about you?

 

As for "her coming up to see him was pretty much all he had to look forward to". Would he be willing to go to counselling / therapy if he isn't already? I highly recommend this. If he is unable to afford this at the moment, I know that you can talk to a counsellor for free at a church. There are also free prevention hotlines (for suicide, depression, anxiety, etc). Which country does he live in? Maybe he would like to talk to us here at enotalone?

 

That, walking away from her is the healthiest choice for him, is something he must figure out on his own. Often you can offer someone a solution, but they might not act on it until they discover that same solution on their own. You can guide him in that quest, steer him in the right direction, so keep reaching out to him.

 

Meanwhile, what he most likely needs is hope.

 

I don't know who said it, but this quote is pretty powerful in my view:

 

 

 

He is blessed to have you as a friend! Wishing you and your friend the very best!

 

 

I agree. She blatantly has zero respect for him as a person (or she would never have led him on & then gone behind his back in a way she knew would hurt him) and is not a person he needs in his life.

 

He's going home to his parents, which I think is a good idea, he needs to get out of that flat and be surrounded by people who love him. I think therapy is a good idea as he's basically been a bit lost/lonely in the city and this girl coming up gave him relief from that, so for that to be taken from him so harshly and suddenly has really hit him hard, especially since it's also robbed him of a best friend (although he's better off long term I think, as both are not real friends if they'd go down this route).

 

He's in the U.K and isn't religious so getting him to go to a church I think would be pretty hard! I think he'd feel bad/embarrassed if he knew I'd asked about him on here, but I really was just feeling very helpless as to how to get him out of this hole and needed advice. Quite a few of ours friends in real life are mutuals with both so don't want to get involved, so it's been hard getting that neutral perspective on the issue. I wasn't sure if I was overreacting/being overly judgemental at first, but really the more I think about it the more I view it as a really scummy thing for both his friends to have done, the way they did it was so sly and uncaring.

 

I agree with that, really I wish I could get him to walk away but I think he needs to take baby steps and gradually realise she's not good for him. He's working a bit of a crap job at the moment and I think he placed his hopes for happiness on her, hence why this is all such a huge blow. Which is why I can't believe how callous this girl has been, obviously if she doesn't have feelings for him then that's 100% fair, but don't lead him on knowing he feels that way and then backstab him in the worst way possible! Especially since she's aware of his mental state/issues in the past with depression.

 

That's a great quote and I totally agree with it, he needs something to give him hope though. Right now I think his self esteem is rock bottom and he's just feeling so hurt and betrayed. I keep trying to put myself in his shoes and imagine how I'd feel and it honestly makes me feel sick, because it's such a ty thing for both your best friends to do. The worst bit is that he's such a genuine, lovely guy and he's still trying to be like 'well if they're both happy I guess it's for the best' but it's making him so miserable and I can tell that.

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but I know his mental health is suffering horrifically from all of it (he can't focus on anything else) and I feel powerless to help him.
It's not your job to help him. It would be good of you to support him when he gets the therapy he needs to get over his crush on her though.

 

Suggest he get himself into a good therapist and then wash you hands of trying to caretake him out of his addiction to her. By always being there for him you are basically enabling him NOT to have to get the therapy he clearly needs.

 

She had told him that being with him is not what she wants and basically told him that kissing him was a mistake. That doesn't make her an evil doer, it just makes her human so demonizing her just keeps him from seeing where he needs professional help.

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I'm sure you can understand how he feels, having been in a situation where you held onto hope for a long time despite knowing it was futile.

 

Can you give him some empathy? Maybe tell him you understand, you can relate, and that eventually you realized letting go was the best thing for you? He might see things differently if he feels like you've been through it too and came out the other side doing better.

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It's not your job to help him. It would be good of you to support him when he gets the therapy he needs to get over his crush on her though.

 

Suggest he get himself into a good therapist and then wash you hands of trying to caretake him out of his addiction to her. By always being there for him you are basically enabling him NOT to have to get the therapy he clearly needs.

 

She had told him that being with him is not what she wants and basically told him that kissing him was a mistake. That doesn't make her an evil doer, it just makes her human so demonizing her just keeps him from seeing where he needs professional help.

 

I agree. Stop enabling this. Tell him you do not want the talk about it anymore. The dude needs professional help!

 

She did nothing wrong. She was honest. Your friend is the problem. He has some sick obsession.

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She had told him that being with him is not what she wants and basically told him that kissing him was a mistake. That doesn't make her an evil doer, it just makes her human so demonizing her just keeps him from seeing where he needs professional help.

 

This is an important point. This woman is...just a person. Not a sorceress who cast a spell on your friend. Her sins, in the scheme of things—well, they are not even sins. She kissed him and then told him she wasn't on the page for more kissing, for that dynamic, those feelings. That is the opposite of leading someone on; it's being an adult. She ended up dating his flat-mate. Awkward, but happens. More adult stuff. Life.

 

None of this would be nearly so dramatic and traumatic if your friend was healthier, mentally. You know this, so make that the point of your concern, not building this woman up into a she-devil with the same fervor he builds her up into a goddess. That's basically you catching a contact high of his sickness, the very thing you're concerned about.

 

Your friend needs help that you can't provide, and sometimes the friendliest thing we can do to friends is to tell them that, clearly. "I am here, I love you, but I am worried about you and I think therapy would really help you understand these feelings..." And so on.

 

Because the woman is not the issue, at all, but a symptom of an issue. Were he this lost after breaking up with someone he'd been with for a decade, it would be troublesome, you know?

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It’s pretty great that he has a friend that cares so much about his wellbeing, however I agree with others that you need to let go of control and let this run its course. Of course if his behaviour really starts to worry you (he gets suicidal or turns to substances) then by all means seek help for him but at the end of the day he has to want the help or nothing will change.

 

In the meantime he is just broken hearted by a crush and while it’s incredibly painful we’ve all been there and come out the other side... have some faith that he will too.

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jeremiahsain, Glad that he is going home to his parents to be surrounded by people who love him!

 

I truly get that it's tough when you are really into someone and they don't feel the same way about you. It's beyond blah. Having said that, like you, I'm concerned that he's digging a very deep hole for himself. And whilst it's really awesome that you are there to support him through it, he does need the right tools to climb out of that hole. Ideally a competent professional therapist or counsellor will be able to determine exactly what tools he needs.

 

Unfortunately, I'm not familiar with lifelines in the UK. There sure must be some numbers he can contact in times of need and desperation.

 

Hope is knowing that at the end of the day, irrespective of how much rubbish hits the fan, in the long-term it's all going to be okay. Honestly, he should be proud to be "such a genuine, lovely guy" as you described him. Being genuine is a sign of great strength, especially in a society like ours where you are surrounded by values such as prominence and pretences. Additionally, he isn't going through this alone. He's got support from you and his family!

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I agree with the others.

 

This girl is not a bad personality at all. She likely does appreciate his friendship and yes at times let that friendship boundary down , however it wasn’t some selfish tactic on her part. Yes she kissed him but then was very honest about not having further feelings for him and stopped it almost as soon as it started.

 

Did she overstep the mark or did he?

Did she selfishly take his attention or did he act on her vulnerability after a recent break up?

 

Can you really blame her for thinking that he was a platonic friend when he pretended to be for a year and a half while she was with another? And can you blame her for not knowing he was “heartbroken”?

 

She likely is a great girl, he knows that and that’s why he is interested in her.

Unfortunately she doesn’t have the same level of interest back.

But you telling him she’s a bad person , no respect for him etc etc is only going to make matters worse. Because that’s not exactly the truth and he knows it.

 

This is his issue not hers.

He clearly is unable to be friends with her , he needs to remove himself from her and I would encourage him to do that but not because she is a bad person but because he is unable to himself come to terms with the fact that she is not attracted to him only.

 

Yes therapy would help him greatly.

He can amicably break up with her friendship wise.

She will understand.

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I agree with the others.

 

This girl is not a bad personality at all. She likely does appreciate his friendship and yes at times let that friendship boundary down , however it wasn’t some selfish tactic on her part. Yes she kissed him but then was very honest about not having further feelings for him and stopped it almost as soon as it started.

 

Did she overstep the mark or did he?

Did she selfishly take his attention or did he act on her vulnerability after a recent break up?

 

Can you really blame her for thinking that he was a platonic friend when he pretended to be for a year and a half while she was with another? And can you blame her for not knowing he was “heartbroken”?

 

She likely is a great girl, he knows that and that’s why he is interested in her.

Unfortunately she doesn’t have the same level of interest back.

But you telling him she’s a bad person , no respect for him etc etc is only going to make matters worse. Because that’s not exactly the truth and he knows it.

 

This is his issue not hers.

He clearly is unable to be friends with her , he needs to remove himself from her and I would encourage him to do that but not because she is a bad person but because he is unable to himself come to terms with the fact that she is not attracted to him only.

 

Yes therapy would help him greatly.

He can amicably break up with her friendship wise.

She will understand.

 

 

She kissed him multiple times, knowing the way he'd felt for a long time, and completely led him on. She then was honest, but within the space of a week decided to (behind his back) start sleeping with his flatmate and best friend, despite knowing the hurt and pain that would cause. I don't get how anyone can say that this is something that a good friend or person would do, I can say quite firmly that it isn't something I would ever dream of doing to any friend of mine.

 

She overstepped the back, she is the one who made the first move and gave him hope. She hadn't recently broken up either, it was a long while ago so he didn't pounce on her or anything. From what he's said to me he had actually shelved those feelings and was happy to be friends, but she brought it all back by making a move on him, continuing to come and see him (as if it was a relationship) then sharply breaking it off and immediately going for the one person who would hurt him most.

 

 

It's all opinions, but imo she's simply not a good friend or influence on his life at all. He has a lot of issues of his own and his obsession is unhealthy (it's not all her fault, basically) but she's fuelled the fire pretty callously I think and both I and other friends in the past have observed in the past that she walks all over him/seems to enjoy the fact that he likes hers. My personal view is that she wanted a distraction for a while so used him, and dropped him without a second thought when someone she preferred came about. Are those the actions of a good friend?

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She can’t walk all over him if he is as he says a friend and happy to be.

 

Yes she can walk all over him if he pretends to be happy with friendship yet allowing her to do relationship like activities? Such as one on one meets, having her come visit him etc. He had control of that? He chose to pretend to be a friend while he never actually saw her in that light.

 

“From what he's said to me he had actually shelved those feelings and was happy to be friends”

 

Shelves says it all!

Put them aside until later basically!

 

He has known for years she is not interested in having a relationship with him. So why did he allow her to kiss him?

 

I’m sorry but why are you not getting the fact that he is largely responsible for this?

And why are you making out that he is some sort of victim? He isn’t!

And when someone said you are enabling him not to seek therapy , they were correct.

 

Are you a good friend ?

Because right now you are not helping him. The only way you can is to stop berating her and focusing on her ( geez it’s all he seems to have done for years and look where it’s got him) but instead turn the focus on him and why he has and still is pinning his hopes on someone who has basically given him little to none?!

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She can’t walk all over him if he is as he says a friend and happy to be.

 

Yes she can walk all over him if he pretends to be happy with friendship yet allowing her to do relationship like activities? Such as one on one meets, having her come visit him etc. He had control of that? He chose to pretend to be a friend while he never actually saw her in that light.

 

“From what he's said to me he had actually shelved those feelings and was happy to be friends”

 

Shelves says it all!

Put them aside until later basically!

 

He has known for years she is not interested in having a relationship with him. So why did he allow her to kiss him?

 

I’m sorry but why are you not getting the fact that he is largely responsible for this?

And why are you making out that he is some sort of victim? He isn’t!

And when someone said you are enabling him not to seek therapy , they were correct.

 

Are you a good friend ?

Because right now you are not helping him. The only way you can is to stop berating her and focusing on her ( geez it’s all he seems to have done for years and look where it’s got him) but instead turn the focus on him and why he has and still is pinning his hopes on someone who has basically given him little to none?!

 

 

He did see her as a friend for years, and then she made a move out of the blue on him and feelings came back, which is natural. She started the push towards a relationship like circumstance and encouraged that, so his old feelings started to resurface for her. She did so despite knowing that she wasn't at all actually interested in him, and was just using him as an ego boost/distraction, which I'm sorry you don't do to your friends if you actually care about them. I'd never use a close friend I knew had other feelings for me (this has been the case before) in that way and would be very clear to set boundaries rather than leading said friend on.

 

Why did he allow her to kiss him? Because she's an attractive girl and he thought she genuinely liked him in that moment. She wasn't interested before but she made the move that suggested that had changed. He's responsible to a certain extent of course, he allowed himself to get infatuated with her and it's unhealthy, but she (as a close friend) should have been responsible enough to not do something she knew would hurt him.

 

I've told him he needs to focus a lot on himself and not her, but my point is that she's not a good person to have in his life right now. He needs to move away from her completely, this girl has been a bad friend in the past to others and in general seems to be a very selfishly motivated person. That doesn't mean that he's not responsible for his own actions, but having her around doesn't help him at all.

 

All I've said to him about her is that she isn't a real friend (which is my honest opinion based on what she did and the way she went about it) and he should move on, maybe in a few years he can pick up the friendship again.

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I'm sure you can understand how he feels, having been in a situation where you held onto hope for a long time despite knowing it was futile.

 

Can you give him some empathy? Maybe tell him you understand, you can relate, and that eventually you realized letting go was the best thing for you? He might see things differently if he feels like you've been through it too and came out the other side doing better.

 

 

Yeah I've talked about my own relationship and how dropping contact entirely was hard at first but really helped months down the line to move past it. He seems to have taken that on board.

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It’s pretty great that he has a friend that cares so much about his wellbeing, however I agree with others that you need to let go of control and let this run its course. Of course if his behaviour really starts to worry you (he gets suicidal or turns to substances) then by all means seek help for him but at the end of the day he has to want the help or nothing will change.

 

In the meantime he is just broken hearted by a crush and while it’s incredibly painful we’ve all been there and come out the other side... have some faith that he will too.

 

 

It's a bit more than just being broken hearted by a crush to be fair to him.

 

She's gone from being with him one week, to telling him she has no interest (which he accepted) and then a week later he finds out she's been sleeping with his best friend and flatmate behind his back.

 

So he's feeling betrayed by his friend who knew how he felt but got with her anyway, on top of all the feelings he had for the girl being crushed, and their own friendship being seriously compromised.

 

It's not an easy situation, and one personally that I know I would find very hard to deal with and would have a lot of anger about. Two of his best friends have basically gone behind his back and I understand why he would be feeling very isolated and betrayed about it.

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This is an important point. This woman is...just a person. Not a sorceress who cast a spell on your friend. Her sins, in the scheme of things—well, they are not even sins. She kissed him and then told him she wasn't on the page for more kissing, for that dynamic, those feelings. That is the opposite of leading someone on; it's being an adult. She ended up dating his flat-mate. Awkward, but happens. More adult stuff. Life.

 

None of this would be nearly so dramatic and traumatic if your friend was healthier, mentally. You know this, so make that the point of your concern, not building this woman up into a she-devil with the same fervor he builds her up into a goddess. That's basically you catching a contact high of his sickness, the very thing you're concerned about.

 

Your friend needs help that you can't provide, and sometimes the friendliest thing we can do to friends is to tell them that, clearly. "I am here, I love you, but I am worried about you and I think therapy would really help you understand these feelings..." And so on.

 

Because the woman is not the issue, at all, but a symptom of an issue. Were he this lost after breaking up with someone he'd been with for a decade, it would be troublesome, you know?

 

 

I don't think she's a sorceress or evil, I just don't think she's a very good friend to him. From my perspective she acted very much in her own self interest despite knowing the damage it might cause. She kissed him multiple times, slept with him .. and then a week later jumped in to bed with his best friend and flatmate. That's made things very awkward with his own living situation and been a big disruption to his life, now obviously they're adults and she can make whatever choice she wants, but imo a decent person thinks less selfishly, I wouldn't want a friend who thought so little of how it might impact my feelings/life.

 

I haven't built her up as a she devil, just said that I don't think she's a good influence and someone she needs to walk away from. I've definitely stressed he needs to deal with a lot of his own issues first (and that's the important thing) but I don't think he can properly do so if she is still a big figure in his life. Again, if he wants to pick up the friendship years down the line that's fine, but not while he still has feelings like this. The woman isn't the issue, but she's not helping the situation at all (she's doing nothing as a friend now to try and help him) so personally I feel like advising him to drop contact with her is fair enough?

 

I don't know, maybe I am being too harsh on her because I'm his friend and biased towards the way he's been treated. But having personally been in situations before when I've known a friend of mine has had feelings for me, I would never act on that unless I felt a similar way, certainly would never use them just for an ego boost/bit of fun because I value them as a friend. She led him on for a little while and then dropped him really quickly for someone else very important in his life and I can understand why that would really hurt him, and again for me that's not the behaviour of a friend.

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Ok well think about it this way?

Who is more important to him , her or his mate who slept with her and why?

They both did wrong by him in both yours and his opinion. So why has he cut off the guy and not her?

 

Ask him that?

 

Your friend slept with her because he could! And wanted to despite knowing she wasn’t interested in him.

His flat mate did the same. His flat mate probably has inadvertently done him a huge favour! Making him wake up to himself!

 

You need to stop being angry at her and be angry at your mate !

He is down in the dumps because he is feeling like a victim when he clearly placed himself there.

And you are repeatedly saying yes he is a victim! And thereby not helping!

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Ok well think about it this way?

Who is more important to him , her or his mate who slept with her and why?

They both did wrong by him in both yours and his opinion. So why has he cut off the guy and not her?

 

Ask him that?

 

Your friend slept with her because he could! And wanted to despite knowing she wasn’t interested in him.

His flat mate did the same. His flat mate probably has inadvertently done him a huge favour! Making him wake up to himself!

 

You need to stop being angry at her and be angry at your mate !

He is down in the dumps because he is feeling like a victim when he clearly placed himself there.

And you are repeatedly saying yes he is a victim! And thereby not helping!

 

 

 

 

The girl, because he's known her for much longer. His mate he's been friends with for over a year or so, they're really close but this girl has been really important in his life for many years.

 

He's cut off him and not her because he has a blind spot for her and because she means more to him than his other friend does.

 

He slept with her because he thought she had feelings for him. She kissed him multiple times, acted super excited to come down to see him, slept with him etc .. how was he meant to know she wasn't interested? In his mind they had broken that friend barrier, she was the one who initiated so he obviously thought she'd developed feelings for him.

 

I'm not really angry at her, I just don't think she's acted like a very good friend and I don't believe she's a good person to be in his life, that is all. I think he is a victim in that his friends have gone behind his back in this way, I personally would feel bad about it and I think so would most people.

 

But anyway, I think I've put my point across in terms of how I feel about her as a friend, that's not really going to change. My own moral code/the way I see things won't change, for me that isn't something a friend would do to you.

 

The important thing is how he gets help going forward, he's gone home now and I've talked to him about maybe talking to someone about life and joining some online dating sites/basically just getting out there and expanding his life, because this girl was the centre of it for too long. He needs to move away from that.

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He “thought she had feelings for him”

Why? Because she slept with him?

Why did he sleep with her before confirming his “thoughts”?

 

Why are you not angry at your friend for “thinking” before acting?

 

And now you are encouraging him to use others via online dating to get over him feeling used???

How is that ok???

 

The absolute best thing you can do for him right now is to stop being so biased and over invested. Sorry!

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So I've basically told him he needs to cut contact with this girl completely,

 

This doesn't work, and like most of us, you'll learn that the hard way. I'd tell friend that I love him and I'm willing to be here for him any time he wants a distraction from his problems rather than to embed himself in them. The two of us can do stuff or talk about anything in the world--except for this woman. Unless he has a specific assignment for me to help him move beyond her, I want us to enjoy our time together, and I don't want to discuss her anymore.

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He “thought she had feelings for him”

Why? Because she slept with him?

Why did he sleep with her before confirming his “thoughts”?

 

Why are you not angry at your friend for “thinking” before acting?

 

And now you are encouraging him to use others via online dating to get over him feeling used???

How is that ok???

 

The absolute best thing you can do for him right now is to stop being so biased and over invested. Sorry!

 

She slept with him, came up to see him multiple times, spoke to him in a way which would suggest she was interested. Basically did everything that would suggest she felt a certain way when really she was just using him, which isn't what a genuine friend would do. Because everything he'd wanted for a while was coming true and he got swept up by emotions? Which is silly, but understandable. Her actions are less understandable because she had no real feelings for him at all.

 

I am angry at him to a certain extent for getting dragged in, but I also understand his situation. And I'm not encouraging him to use others, but to get out there, move on from this girl and talk to other people. He doesn't get out enough and needs to branch out, that's not using people.

 

Maybe I am biased, but I don't think it's unreasonable to think that she's not acted like a great friend and that it's best for him to drop him from her life. He's never going to be able to move on properly unless he stops contact with her.

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This doesn't work, and like most of us, you'll learn that the hard way. I'd tell friend that I love him and I'm willing to be here for him any time he wants a distraction from his problems rather than to embed himself in them. The two of us can do stuff or talk about anything in the world--except for this woman. Unless he has a specific assignment for me to help him move beyond her, I want us to enjoy our time together, and I don't want to discuss her anymore.

 

 

Yeah I'm seeing that tbh. He's got to make his own mind up over it, in fairness he's barely talked to her in the last few days and does finally seem to be coming round to the idea that he needs to move on.

 

He's also now planning on moving out of his flat, since it's all been made so horrible/awkward by this situation. All around a bit of a mess, but imo long term getting her out of his life for good is a positive.

 

We won't be able to see each other in person for a while (he's at home with his parents) but yeah, when we do I'll definitely try and keep the topic off her as much as possible.

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I've found that telling your friends what to do, especially when emotions are involved, is useless. However, when they start crying about things on my shoulder, I'll listen but instead of giving advice on what to do, put it on them to start thinking on what they want to do. Like boo hoo hoo she is dating my roommate - that sucks, so why do you still want to date her? She is such an amazing friend, I can't live without her - hmmmm....well...all I hear from you is how she hurts you, so what's so good about her? Challenge his thinking. I don't actually expect answers, I simply hope to prompt them to think more objectively about their situation.

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I've found that telling your friends what to do, especially when emotions are involved, is useless. However, when they start crying about things on my shoulder, I'll listen but instead of giving advice on what to do, put it on them to start thinking on what they want to do. Like boo hoo hoo she is dating my roommate - that sucks, so why do you still want to date her? She is such an amazing friend, I can't live without her - hmmmm....well...all I hear from you is how she hurts you, so what's so good about her? Challenge his thinking. I don't actually expect answers, I simply hope to prompt them to think more objectively about their situation.

 

 

True. I know from my own experience that sometimes telling people what to do doesn't work.

 

He's basically decided to try and work things out so I'm leaving that to him, he's back to talking to her now and is going to stay in his flat. I can't help but personally think he's never going to get past the feelings he has for her unless he cuts her from his life, but what can I do? Them being together near him will eat him up I think and be a constant reminder. I know when I broke up with my girlfriend that kind of close contact would have been a nightmare.

 

But he's a grown man and makes his own decisions and chooses his own friends. I've made it pretty clear in here that I don't think she's a real friend to him and is a bit of a user, but that's his call. I just really hope he can somehow move past all of this because I'm honestly still so worried about him, he's been miserable and isolated for a while and has just made things so much worse.

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