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Thread: Not sure how to convince a buddy of mine to walk away

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    He “thought she had feelings for him”
    Why? Because she slept with him?
    Why did he sleep with her before confirming his “thoughts”?

    Why are you not angry at your friend for “thinking” before acting?

    And now you are encouraging him to use others via online dating to get over him feeling used???
    How is that ok???

    The absolute best thing you can do for him right now is to stop being so biased and over invested. Sorry!
    She slept with him, came up to see him multiple times, spoke to him in a way which would suggest she was interested. Basically did everything that would suggest she felt a certain way when really she was just using him, which isn't what a genuine friend would do. Because everything he'd wanted for a while was coming true and he got swept up by emotions? Which is silly, but understandable. Her actions are less understandable because she had no real feelings for him at all.

    I am angry at him to a certain extent for getting dragged in, but I also understand his situation. And I'm not encouraging him to use others, but to get out there, move on from this girl and talk to other people. He doesn't get out enough and needs to branch out, that's not using people.

    Maybe I am biased, but I don't think it's unreasonable to think that she's not acted like a great friend and that it's best for him to drop him from her life. He's never going to be able to move on properly unless he stops contact with her.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    This doesn't work, and like most of us, you'll learn that the hard way. I'd tell friend that I love him and I'm willing to be here for him any time he wants a distraction from his problems rather than to embed himself in them. The two of us can do stuff or talk about anything in the world--except for this woman. Unless he has a specific assignment for me to help him move beyond her, I want us to enjoy our time together, and I don't want to discuss her anymore.

    Yeah I'm seeing that tbh. He's got to make his own mind up over it, in fairness he's barely talked to her in the last few days and does finally seem to be coming round to the idea that he needs to move on.

    He's also now planning on moving out of his flat, since it's all been made so horrible/awkward by this situation. All around a bit of a mess, but imo long term getting her out of his life for good is a positive.

    We won't be able to see each other in person for a while (he's at home with his parents) but yeah, when we do I'll definitely try and keep the topic off her as much as possible.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    I've found that telling your friends what to do, especially when emotions are involved, is useless. However, when they start crying about things on my shoulder, I'll listen but instead of giving advice on what to do, put it on them to start thinking on what they want to do. Like boo hoo hoo she is dating my roommate - that sucks, so why do you still want to date her? She is such an amazing friend, I can't live without her - hmmmm....well...all I hear from you is how she hurts you, so what's so good about her? Challenge his thinking. I don't actually expect answers, I simply hope to prompt them to think more objectively about their situation.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    I've found that telling your friends what to do, especially when emotions are involved, is useless. However, when they start crying about things on my shoulder, I'll listen but instead of giving advice on what to do, put it on them to start thinking on what they want to do. Like boo hoo hoo she is dating my roommate - that sucks, so why do you still want to date her? She is such an amazing friend, I can't live without her - hmmmm....well...all I hear from you is how she hurts you, so what's so good about her? Challenge his thinking. I don't actually expect answers, I simply hope to prompt them to think more objectively about their situation.

    True. I know from my own experience that sometimes telling people what to do doesn't work.

    He's basically decided to try and work things out so I'm leaving that to him, he's back to talking to her now and is going to stay in his flat. I can't help but personally think he's never going to get past the feelings he has for her unless he cuts her from his life, but what can I do? Them being together near him will eat him up I think and be a constant reminder. I know when I broke up with my girlfriend that kind of close contact would have been a nightmare.

    But he's a grown man and makes his own decisions and chooses his own friends. I've made it pretty clear in here that I don't think she's a real friend to him and is a bit of a user, but that's his call. I just really hope he can somehow move past all of this because I'm honestly still so worried about him, he's been miserable and isolated for a while and has just made things so much worse.

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