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feeling sad and overwhelmed :/


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Hi everyone, some of you may remember my best friend threads, dealing with her abusive husband. Well today we had a fight and I am feeling overwhelmed.

 

Over the past few weeks, her family and I have done everything to try to convince her to leave but the cycle of hot/cold and nice/angry is confusing her to the extent that she still is undecided about leaving. I have been there for her, talking to her, listening to her vent, having my door always open, etc..and she has told me she doesn't know what she would do without me. However these weeks I have been feeling drained between my own problems, my suicidal cousin, my overbearing mother, and my best friend here. However I have been trying to support her as much as possible but have made her reach out to support groups and contact the hotlines for abuse. Still, things are unchanged.

 

I have expressed feeling a bit overwhelmed in my life with everything, and told her that I do not want to become a crutch to her in place of getting help/leaving/shunning experts. She responded with "I don't think that will happen".

 

If I don't visit her for 3 days or so, she will tell me she misses me and lately this has been stressing me.

 

Last night I was feeling particularly overwhelmed. Right as I sat down to read a book, she called me. I told her I was feeling overwhelmed and tired and wondered if I could talk to her in an hour. She said that was fine. I did talk to her a bit later on and heard all the same drama I have been hearing all last week. I went to bed feeling drained.

 

This morning, early, as I was trying to deal with my dad (he has Parkinson's) she calls me. I ignore the call because I was busy and extremely frustrated. I text her after a couple minutes and ask her if everything is ok. She said she was having a parenting meltdown and that her kids weren't listening to her. I texted her that I am not a mother and I don't have good advice. I tried to remain cordial and calm. She texted back that she needed me to call her. I asked her what she wanted me to do, and she said all she wanted was for her to be able to vent to me, since I make her feel better. I texted nicely that I was overloaded and overwhelmed and felt like basically running away from everything here. I explained I haven't been getting time to myself and recharge (we have been talking for hours every day) and that I needed to recharge. She texted, ok sure, recharge.

 

A half hour passed and I felt guilty for turning her down so I called her She vented to me about her kids not listening and honestly I don't even remember what the situation was I was so tuned out. At the end of the convo I tried to soothe her but ended it saying I was very overwhelmed.

 

This afternoon, I texted her, saying I loved her, and that I will be there for her, and that I just needed some time to myself. Two hours pass without a response, which is very unusual for her. When she texted, it was a short, I love you too. I asked her if she was mad. To my surprise, she wrote "I need time to process this". I got sooooo mad and said, just because I had a faltering in patience, i m being punished? I told her I can't be perfect for her 100 percent of the time and I was doing my best to be there for her. She wrote, "exactly, you aren't expected to be perfect all the time. I just need time to process everything."

 

I am soooo frustrated right now. I also feel horrible. She has been there for me. Today I wasn't there for her. I feel like an awful friend.

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Here is a link to something regarding codependency that I think might make you realize that you DO NOT need to feel guilty for saying "no" to listening to her vent over and over again, nor do you need to feel guilty for looking after your own emotional/mental well being. Even on an airplane they tell us to put our own oxygen mask on before trying to help someone with theirs.

 

https://www.expressivecounseling.com/articles/codependency-caretaking

 

The only think I think you could have done differently is to have told her face to face or at least over the phone (rather then text) that you needed some time to yourself and that if you didn't get back to her right away that she shouldn't worry that you would get back to her eventually.

 

No need to feel horrible. There should be zero guilt when you are looking after yourself because you will be useless to not only her, but everyone else you are caregiving (caretaking?) if you are not in good shape yourself.

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Here is a link to something regarding codependency that I think might make you realize that you DO NOT need to feel guilty for saying "no" to listening to her vent over and over again, nor do you need to feel guilty for looking after your own emotional/mental well being. Even on an airplane they tell us to put our own oxygen mask on before trying to help someone with theirs.

 

https://www.expressivecounseling.com/articles/codependency-caretaking

 

The only think I think you could have done differently is to have told her face to face or at least over the phone (rather then text) that you needed some time to yourself and that if you didn't get back to her right away that she shouldn't worry that you would get back to her eventually.

 

No need to feel horrible. There should be zero guilt when you are looking after yourself because you will be useless to not only her, but everyone else you are caregiving (caretaking?) if you are not in good shape yourself.

 

This, this, this.

 

Cara tell her the truth, you are in no position to be giving advise about her situation considering youre dealing with nearly the same unresolved trauma.

 

I gave this example the other day, someones drowning but theres a life vest floating nearby in arms reach, you're in a boat but can swim, instead of pointing out the help that is logical and actually useful, what youre doing is jumping into the water to attempt to save her, even though you cant swim, dooming you both...

 

This codependent attachment you two are forming is not only harmful to you but isnt actually helping her, its hindering you both.

 

Please follow TWT's advice. She has family to advise her, you have to remove yourself from her to save yourself, hand her the life vest and you concentrate on rowing yourself to dry land...

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No no no!!!!

 

You have tried to help her and she refuses your help.

How exactly do you “make her feel better”?

 

By listening? While she rants and raves about the same thing day in day out?

You need to stop listening to her daily drivel and tell her that you will be there to support her where and when she decides to act on what she is not happy about. And until then you can’t actually be her sounding board.

 

It is easier for her to stay in an abusive relationship as long as someone listens to her about it. But the only way she will get out of it is if she actually speaks to someone who can help her who is unbiased.

 

I’m glad you stopped the repeated cycle of venting and tell her that when she has actively starts doing something about her situation you will support her 100%!!

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You were way too involved in her life. It's great she is creating some appropriate space for both of you. Now stop texting her. You've told her multiple times that you need to 'recharge", "need time to yourself", "feel very overwhelmed", etc. It's good this came to a head and now you can step way back and stop "talking hours a day". Boundaries were long overdue.

She texted, ok sure, recharge.

I just needed some time to myself.

she wrote "I need time to process this".

She wrote, "exactly, you aren't expected to be perfect all the time. I just need time to process everything."

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You were way too involved in her life. It's great she is creating some appropriate space for both of you. Now stop texting her. You've told her multiple times that you need to 'recharge", "need time to yourself", "feel very overwhelmed", etc. It's good this came to a head and now you can step way back and stop "talking hours a day". Boundaries were long overdue.

 

I agree. No offense, but she just used a different set of buzzwords on you to send the same message you've been trying to tell her--to please back off.

 

You're not helping her to fix or exit her lousy relationship by listening to her to complain, you're embedding her in it. By acting as a pressure valve, you're allowing her to release just enough pressure to return to the problem.

 

Skip that. I'd tell her that I adore her, and I'm willing to help if she tells me what I can do to help, Beyond that, we can speak about anything in the world, but I'm not willing to listen to complaints about her relationship anymore. She can come to me whenever she wants to enjoy our time together, but her complaints need to go to someone who is trained to help her handle those--I'm not equipped to do that.

 

She will object and say you're the only person she can talk to about that stuff. I'd tell her we can revisit any work she does with a therapist, but I'm not a therapist. I want for us to enjoy the time we spend together, and when she's willing to do that, she can let me know.

 

And that would be that. Either she seeks the help she needs, or not, but playing social worker with someone else's marriage isn't my job to do--and I'll only make it worse, not better, by sticking my nose into it.

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Wow, thanks so much everyone. Your comments mean so much to me. I an't say how mny times I have told her in person that I was feeling overwhelmed. For her, girlfriends are essential; she always had them growing up. However she knows how I am, and that is, a true introvert. I was used to being alone, handling things alone all growing up into adulthood and never had a close female friend until her. I am just out of my element and and frustrated.

 

I will do al the suggestions but I am nervous. I am afraid she will think I am turning my back on her. I was surprised to find upon waking up I was angry. I felt she made a bigger deal yesterday morning about a simple "needing time" comment. I also feel like she ignored my feelings. The night before I told her, on the phone, I needed space, yet hours later that morning, calling me to vent about parenting issues. Ugh. Is it normal to feel angry?

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Look....you are doing exactly the same thing she is - you are not happy with this friendship and her dumping on you, you feel overwhelmed and frustrated.....buuuuut all you do is whine about it and then keep on listening to her. STOP. I'm serious. Stop telling her how you feel and just learn how to ignore the call. You are not her keeper. She isn't punishing you either. She is using you and when she says she'll back off...you flip and beg her to use you some more because you've correlated friendship with being her free therapist/enabler. This isn't a friendship, it's a sick codependence.

 

I'm sorry for being harsh, I"m genuinely angry on your behalf. Please take a good look at yourself and what you are doing. You've got to grow a spine and stop trying to save others when you can't even save yourself. As someone else already said, you are enabling her to continue in her abusive relationship by being her release valve. Tell her straightforward that you will be there for her if she ever decides to leave him. Doesn't matter what time of day or night, how far away, no questions asked, she can call you and you'll come get her. Outside of that, you cannot help her any more or listen to her whining about her situation. Distance yourself and mean it. Don't ask her, do it.

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Wow, thanks so much everyone. Your comments mean so much to me. I an't say how mny times I have told her in person that I was feeling overwhelmed. For her, girlfriends are essential; she always had them growing up. However she knows how I am, and that is, a true introvert. I was used to being alone, handling things alone all growing up into adulthood and never had a close female friend until her. I am just out of my element and and frustrated.

 

I will do al the suggestions but I am nervous. I am afraid she will think I am turning my back on her. I was surprised to find upon waking up I was angry. I felt she made a bigger deal yesterday morning about a simple "needing time" comment. I also feel like she ignored my feelings. The night before I told her, on the phone, I needed space, yet hours later that morning, calling me to vent about parenting issues. Ugh. Is it normal to feel angry?

 

No...

 

Shes giving you the space you asked for...

 

Whats the issue?

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No...

 

Shes giving you the space you asked for...

 

Whats the issue?

 

 

I am not angry over that. I am glad she's finally leaving me alone a little. I am angry over the fact she responded in such a way that morning when I told her I wanted space. Like, it was some sort of a travesty. Like I can't falter, be imperfect...

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I am not angry over that. I am glad she's finally leaving me alone a little. I am angry over the fact she responded in such a way that morning when I told her I wanted space. Like, it was some sort of a travesty. Like I can't falter, be imperfect...

 

First off, just like you she has every right to express her feelings.

 

You aren’t the victim here, I’m seeing right through all this, you’re just as attached to her and her drama and she is to you, this is a codependent relationship.

 

You asked for space, the when she gave it to you your issues came out. She asked for time to process what you said.

 

Is it drama to me? Absolutely but see I’m not codependent, so this woman would have never been allowed to get to this point with me, you get something out of this friendship, don’t think i dont remember you blasting every minute detail of her sexual assault on this board...

 

Time to be honest with yourself, you need to see someone.

 

You are allowed to feel any emotion you want. But recognize your feelings are being tainted by the dysfunctional connection you have with her.

 

If someone is annoying the crap out of me to the point that I’m going to snap and they finally leave me alone... I’m not noticing if it takes them a long time to text me back, I wouldn’t have even texted them ‘are you mad’ because I’m the one that’s mad, I’m the one who needs space, so when they give it to me, I’m going to enjoy it because that’s what that means you need to leave me alone.

 

Honestly I think you’re dramatizing a basic request, you didn’t want complete silence you just wanted her to not vent to you so much, but again codependence, dysfunction and whatnot made you tell her what you did and made her react the way she did... you don’t get to sit on a thrown looking down at her dysfunction when you’ve been an active player, she’s selfish and self centered you always known this you’ve accepted it.

 

Get your space. Get some help for yourself, stop saving others when you need your own saving.

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First off, just like you she has every right to express her feelings.

 

You aren’t the victim here, I’m seeing right through all this, you’re just as attached to her and her drama and she is to you, this is a codependent relationship.

 

You asked for space, the when she gave it to you your issues came out. She asked for time to process what you said.

 

Is it drama to me? Absolutely but see I’m not codependent, so this woman would have never been allowed to get to this point with me, you get something out of this friendship, don’t think i dont remember you blasting every minute detail of her sexual assault on this board...

 

Time to be honest with yourself, you need to see someone.

 

You are allowed to feel any emotion you want. But recognize your feelings are being tainted by the dysfunctional connection you have with her.

 

If someone is annoying the crap out of me to the point that I’m going to snap and they finally leave me alone... I’m not noticing if it takes them a long time to text me back, I wouldn’t have even texted them ‘are you mad’ because I’m the one that’s mad, I’m the one who needs space, so when they give it to me, I’m going to enjoy it because that’s what that means you need to leave me alone.

 

Honestly I think you’re dramatizing a basic request, you didn’t want complete silence you just wanted her to not vent to you so much, but again codependence, dysfunction and whatnot made you tell her what you did and made her react the way she did... you don’t get to sit on a thrown looking down at her dysfunction when you’ve been an active player, she’s selfish and self centered you always known this you’ve accepted it.

 

Get your space. Get some help for yourself, stop saving others when you need your own saving.

 

I understand. However I will respectfully disagree with the throne part. Saying im on a throne looking down on her was needlessly harsh. No way do I feel like that, and I never will. I have more flaws than she. I know this and admit it. You had me up until those words...but I respect your opinion and appreciate the time you took to respond to me. I am getting help through therapy, I have been. I am trying to "fix" myself, yes. No way do I feel like im on a "throne". And I HAVE been getting help and therapy, thank you.

 

You remember my posts well; however I guess you missed the parts where I said I’m getting therapy.

 

As far as blasting every minute detail of her assault, she asked me to do that to get opinions. Yes she should have done that herself here. I was only doing that because she wanted me to. I would never have disclosed such personal info without her consent or desire.

 

I respect you on the boards. I’m not sure why there is such a harsh tone withme? Did I do something for you to dislike me on the site?

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I understand. However I will respectfully disagree with the throne part. Saying im on a throne looking down on her was needlessly harsh. No way do I feel like that, and I never will. I have more flaws than she. I know this and admit it. You had me up until those words...but I respect your opinion and appreciate the time you took to respond to me. I am getting help through therapy, I have been. I am trying to "fix" myself, yes. No way do I feel like im on a "throne". And I HAVE been getting help and therapy, thank you.

 

You remember my posts well; however I guess you missed the parts where I said I’m getting therapy.

 

As far as blasting every minute detail of her assault, she asked me to do that to get opinions. Yes she should have done that herself here. I was only doing that because she wanted me to. I would never have disclosed such personal info without her consent or desire.

 

I respect you on the boards. I’m not sure why there is such a harsh tone withme? Did I do something for you to dislike me on the site?

 

See you immediately go to thinking everything is personal and an attack.

 

I don’t dislike you, I don’t know you to dislike you, but I do think you are attempting to paint yourself as a victim, even though you placed yourself in this situation, a situation that simply does not rise to victimhood but rather codependence.

 

You are right and I do apologize for my choice of verbiage what I meant by sitting on your throne is it seems you don’t see your part in all this. If I put my hand in the lions mouth, I don’t get to act shocked when he bites me.

 

This women is not in a healthy headspace, neither are you, you two connected, maybe because of that? I don’t know, she overwhelmed you and you needed some space, you chose a very tactful way to say that which I am not at all faulting you for, I say good for you for standing your ground, but when you did it she distanced herself stating she needed time to process everything and instead of relief you feltbfear and insecurity, asking if she’s mad and now you’re hurt and angry.

 

so what would have been a correct response to your request. Keeping in mind she is not in a healthy head space, why are you putting expectations on her that even you can’t meet.

 

Just leave it alone.

 

Get space.

 

Continue with therapy. I’m not paying super close attention to your words I distinctly remember that post in question because I remember thinking and responding I would be incredibly hurt if a friend did that to me, and I’m sorry gonna call a spade a spade here, that post was you asking advice for yourself, you were not asking advice for her. I think I made mention to how attention seeking those actions are typically seen. My impression based on this post and that one is quite frankly that, that is what you do... it’s just drama...

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Sounds like you are dealing with a lot right now and tensions are high on both ends. People always say things they don't mean when that happens. Doesn't sound like you can give her the help she needs except to be an ear to listen which sounds like its taking a lot out of you. You have to take care of you as well and it's ok to do that! Maybe after a short breather on both ends you both can sort this all out.

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I respect you on the boards. I’m not sure why there is such a harsh tone withme? Did I do something for you to dislike me on the site?

 

This statements says so much. You are very worried about how others view you; you almost approach a martyr-like syndrome. She sounds like she does not have a big support system, and you fill that void for her. She also fills that void for you! You told her that you were very overwhelmed and needed some time...this is very unusual to her--she is used to having you there at a moment's notice--you have trained her to be this way. So, yes, she does need to process this change. That is hard to understand for you because she has also trained you to know that she will be there for you at the drop of a hat! You are asking each other for the same thing, but you are both offended by it!

 

Time to look in the mirror. Help others out of love, respect, and good will--not from needing to be praised or having someone commiserate and tell you how giving you are. If you are overwhelmed from being overextended, then take a break and regroup. Drama is addictive. Time to break the addiction.

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