I don't want to break up over such a small issue, how can i help?

Hey, i'm just a little drained at the moment. Recently things have been fantastic, however yesterday it started again. The issue is, one moment she is open, loving and fun to be around, then the next day, nothing will change, she becomes hate filled and insulting , treating me like i'm nothing. Everytime i try to resolve things, she disappears into her shell abd tells me nothing. i have said to her on many occasions if sge wishes for us to break up, but she always strongly denies it, saying it is the "last thing she wants". We have been together for a few years now, and i really need some assistance. I care about her, and the highs are wirth the lows. What do i do?

You'd better work on communication skills with her. If she doesn't open up with you and tell her what's on her mind, the relationship isn't going to work out. You might want to point that out to her.

This sounds borderline abusive. At the very least, it's not a loving or healthy relationship. She needs to communicate to you her experience or any gripes she has, and if she can't come up with concrete reasons, you need to get out.

How is this a small issue?

How is this a small issue?

I was going to say the same. Someone burning hot and cold is huge, and I'd put it in the top 3 reasons people break up.

And the "highs are worth the lows" is a big thing that causes people to stay in really bad relationships. It is surprising the amount of trouble humans can put up with for just a little bit of sweetness. And the time between those moments of sweet tend to get further and further apart, unless you can find and resolve whatever the core issue may be.

You deserve better than someone who will treat you like you are nothing.

I completely agree, on numerous occasions i have attempted to discuss what is making her feel this way, yet she only ever goes appologetic, never actually telling me anything aboit the source of this attitude. If i ever try to push further, she closes up, even locking herself in her room refusing to talk to me. I don't believe this is a trust issue, however, as we reguarly discuss very personal matters with complete confidence in eachother. Should i maybe give her some space?

You'd better work on communication skills with her. If she doesn't open up with you and tell her what's on her mind, the relationship isn't going to work out. You might want to point that out to her.

Adam14444555said:Today05:34 PM

I completely agree, on numerous occasions i have attempted to discuss what is making her feel this way, yet she only ever goes appologetic, never actually telling me anything aboit the source of this attitude. If i ever try to push further, she closes up, even locking herself in her room refusing to talk to me. I don't believe this is a trust issue, however, as we reguarly discuss very personal matters with complete confidence in eachother. Should i maybe give her some space?

This sounds borderline abusive. At the very least, it's not a loving or healthy relationship. She needs to communicate to you her experience or any gripes she has, and if she can't come up with concrete reasons, you need to get out.

I feel the same way, abusive is maybe an extreme, but it is certainly deteromental to my everyday life. About 6 months ago this happend, and became very sever to the point we were argueing nearly ever night. As a result we decided to go our seperate ways, it was too much. However, after little more than two weeks she decided to contact me again, and from then we had a stronger relationship than ever. I would say with confidence that i was the happiest i had ever been. Now this is happening again, and i don't wish to lose what we had. Any idea of a next step for me?

I was going to say the same. Someone burning hot and cold is huge, and I'd put it in the top 3 reasons people break up.

 

And the "highs are worth the lows" is a big thing that causes people to stay in really bad relationships. It is surprising the amount of trouble humans can put up with for just a little bit of sweetness. And the time between those moments of sweet tend to get further and further apart, unless you can find and resolve whatever the core issue may be.

 

You deserve better than someone who will treat you like you are nothing.

Thanks for the advice, it is very much appreciated. I do see the logical option as to try leave her, yet i feel this would prove too hard. For a start off, i truly velieve we can fix this, and i sincerely hope that is the case, leaving her would hurt me more than any of my past relationships. Secondly, we study the same course on campus, and in doing so i would have to work alongside her every day dispite what had happend. Honestly, i'm not sure if i could do it.

Adam14444555said:Today05:34 PM

 

I completely agree, on numerous occasions i have attempted to discuss what is making her feel this way, yet she only ever goes appologetic, never actually telling me anything aboit the source of this attitude. If i ever try to push further, she closes up, even locking herself in her room refusing to talk to me. I don't believe this is a trust issue, however, as we reguarly discuss very personal matters with complete confidence in eachother. Should i maybe give her some space?

Giving her deliberate space for a while might be a wakeup call for her. Bottom line is that she needs to understand that her behavior is unacceptable to you and that you won't put up with it long term.

How is this a small issue?

First thing that popped into my mind too.

I'm not going to sugarcoat this one. Your relationship? It's just one big mess. She lashes out and shuts down? Yeah, that's messy. You stroke and coddle and passive-aggressively ask if her wants to break up? That's messy too.

The problem with these sorts of dynamics is they recalibrate our heads and heart to expect so little that that littlest things feel like magic. You have a week where there's no tension, you cuddle during a movie, have sex twice, and instead of all that feeling what it is—just some baseline relationship stuff—it feels almost holy.

I suspect that in time—but hopefully not too much more time—you'll see this for what it is: two people who are much better apart than together. That your communication issues are a reflection of your compatibility issues, and that the thing that keeps you together is what you clearly spelled out in your last post: not affection, but a mutual fear of breaking up.

Fear is powerful stuff. It's scary to imagine watching Netflix alone, or to go to class with an ex, or to experience emotional pain. But at some point you'll realize that all those things, hard as they are, are probably easier than being with her.

>>The issue is, one moment she is open, loving and fun to be around, then the next day, nothing will change, she becomes hate filled and insulting , treating me like i'm nothing.

I'm no shrink but on another forum, there was a poster who was very experienced with Borderline Personality Disorder, and I learned quite a bit about that disorder from reading his posts.

One of the symptoms is one day, or even one minute, you're the greatest thing since sliced bread, and the next she's debasing you for literally no reason. It's frustrating and mind-boggling! And extremely hurtful.

Going back and forth between valuing you and devaluing you, there is never a happy medium.

Relationships with those that suffer from this disorder are extremely difficult and addicting, which is why you're having trouble leaving.

I dunno what to tell ya dude, how old are you, and how old is she? How long have you been dating?

Thanks for the advice, it is very much appreciated. I do see the logical option as to try leave her, yet i feel this would prove too hard. For a start off, i truly velieve we can fix this, and i sincerely hope that is the case, leaving her would hurt me more than any of my past relationships. Secondly, we study the same course on campus, and in doing so i would have to work alongside her every day dispite what had happend. Honestly, i'm not sure if i could do it.

What makes you think you can move past this? You did not state how long the two of you have been together, but it doesn't sound like the situation is showing any signs of improving.

Staying and tolerating her mistreating you and shutting down is your choice. The advice to leave the situation stands from me. She would have to acknowledge the issue and want to fix it for the relationship to improve, and it sounds like those basic qualifications for moving forward aren't there.

This is a dysfunctional relationship. She stews and angers easily over nit picky irritations. Tell her YOU wish to break up and part ways calmly and respectfully. After a few years, there shouldn't be any highs and lows because it's alarming and lows will only fester into lower lows.

This is not going to end well, OP.

There is no moving past this unless and until she sees her behaviour as changeworthy, and does something about it. You can let her know that this cannot continue but you can't make this better. She needs to take some serious steps, and running away and locking herself in the bathroom suggests a severe lack of emotional maturity. That is what's going to make any transformation difficult.

I have been down this road with an ex. It will wear you down, OP. Much more than it already has.

I completely agree, on numerous occasions i have attempted to discuss what is making her feel this way, yet she only ever goes appologetic, never actually telling me anything aboit the source of this attitude. If i ever try to push further, she closes up, even locking herself in her room refusing to talk to me. I don't believe this is a trust issue, however, as we reguarly discuss very personal matters with complete confidence in eachother. Should i maybe give her some space?

Absolutely do not give give her space to continue her moods she gets in that affect you and she never gives explanation for!

That’s exactly why this bs continues! You are allowing it! All she has to do is say sorry and all forgotten about until next time right?

You tell her calmly but affirmative that the next time this happens , without explanation from her that you will walk.

And do exactly that!

Tell her so, after her next sulky mood when she is blowing hot again.

You are enabling her behaviour by accepting a mere unapologetic apology.

Stop doing that!!

On/off relationships with chronic drama and arguing means you are incompatible and do not communicate well. Yes, leave her alone without the breakup threats and pushing and needling her to talk to you. Be more emotionally independent and stop smothering her.

About 6 months ago this happend, and became very sever to the point we were argueing nearly ever night. As a result we decided to go our seperate ways, it was too much.