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Thread: Need advice on toxic friend

  1. #1
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    Need advice on toxic friend

    I need some advice from this community. This story can be very long, but in a nutshell I have a friend who historically I feel takes advantage of me. I have been friends with her for around 7 years and throughout that duration, I have found out stuff she has said about me behind my back, have witnessed firsthand nasty texts she has sent about me(she showed me by accidentally on her phone), and just overall have encountered small things that I didn't think about at the time but have seemed to always add up to larger fights.

    She has never been very supportive. For example, she got jealous when my boyfriend and I got a new dog. So much so that when we both went to a mutual friends birthday party, she blatantly ignored my boyfriend and I and told me she didn't want to talk to me. We ended up getting into a blow up fight that night over her being so passive aggressive. When we met weeks later to chat about it, she basically admitted she felt like I wasn't hanging out with her as much as I used to and giving her my time. But she also brought up like ten other things I was allegedly doing to her to make her mad and that she was not communicating to me. I told her at that point that she really needed to learn to open up and not harbor feelings. Additionally, she has always been nasty to this boyfriend (who is now my fiance) and she continues to follow my ex on instagram who put me through emotional turmoil for 3 years. She brings him up often and even bumped into him two years back and divulged personal information about me and my new relationship to him. My mom has stage 4 breast cancer and she proceeded to divulge to him info about that, among other things.

    Fast forward to my birthday this past year. She did not send me a direct text to say happy birthday but instead only wished me one after a friend of ours pinged me on a group thread that my friend is on. I responded "thanks!" to the first friend but not to her and she followed up with "You're welcome for my wishes too." At this point, I had enough. I never responded and deleted her texts and just never reached out again. That was October. It's now June and my boyfriend just proposed to me. I really thought once she saw the photo on social media she would reach back out at least to open the lane again and congratulate me but instead I have heard NOTHING.

    I have NO idea what I did to this girl to make her so mad and ghost me for this long. I am starting to think she is just a selfish, narcissistic person. I should also add, my mother has stage 4 breast cancer she is well aware of and I informed her of my dads heart surgery that occurred right before my birthday - so none of that stopped her from acting out at me in this way.

    What is the deal for real? How would you guys deal with this? Her and I have VERY CLOSE mutual friends and literally live in the same neighborhood, so I am just waiting for the dreaded in person interaction....

    Her birthday this time last year, I showed up alone (because my boyfriend was not invited of course) and brought her flowers and even helped pay her tab, just to put that in perspective.

  2. #2
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    She's not a friend if she behaves the way you describe.

    I think you should count yourself lucky to have her out of your life and out of your personal business. If you happen to run into her while you're with mutual friends, don't fret over it. Just say hello and then talk to someone else. You need to concentrate on your fiance and your future, and not worry about a jealous psycho.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I don't know what's wrong with your friend in particular except that she's not interested in being your friend. I do know a lot about cancer unfortunately and I can only tell you that not everyone will (even the ones closest to you) react in the way you want them to. I'm sorry about the news with your mum. This person isn't your friend and she's demonstrated time and time again that she is not a friend of yours. The problem is you: for some reason you consider her a friend even though you're not friendly to her yourself.

    Why do you consistently seek her approval? Leave her alone. That part of your life is over. You don't seem to understand that and you keep seeking approval from her. Do you feel guilty for something that happened in your friendship? It's boggling that you would even be speaking to someone like this or have her on your social media. You seem drawn to the drama and the attention of having her in your life even though it's a negative space.

    You probably won't like my advice and you won't care much for it. I think you should permanently leave her alone and stop playing along that you're friends. You're both not friends at all. Let it go. Bring in more positive influences in your life and enjoy your engagement.

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    I can assure you I am not someone who seeks drama and attention, but thanks anyway for your very rude advice and reply. Jeez, you might want to work on your delivery on this forum.

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    Platinum Member JA0371's Avatar
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    Bottom line is that this girl is anything BUT your friend. There is no telling why she is this way...but really, who cares??
    Do you want someone like that in your life? Believe me...if she’s like this with you, she’s like this with other “friends”. With friends like her who needs enemies? Be glad she’s gone....

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by jwallace17831
    I can assure you I am not someone who seeks drama and attention, but thanks anyway for your very rude advice and reply. Jeez, you might want to work on your delivery on this forum.
    OP, let me assure you, no one on this forum is here to personally attack you, so please don't view the advice you are given as such. Rose Mosse makes some very good points that are worth paying attention to. Your "friend" has demonstrated, both in actions and in words, that she is not a good friend to you. You can't control how others choose to act nor behave, you can only control your own actions and behavior. In this case, yes, your "friend" has acted and behaved badly, but it's important to take a step back and look to your own actions and behavior that may be contributing to the problem. Recognizing factors that are within your control is a big part of finding a solution. That solution will probably never be a miraculous transformation in your "friend" in which she suddenly treats you well (because that would require change on her part, not under your control) but it MAY be cutting this toxic person out of your life, no longer referring to her as your "friend", and learning to recognize the signs of a toxic person so that you may avoid such people in future (all within your control).

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm sorry. I just saw this. Thanks for the feedback. I shouldn't have used the words drama or attention as those are quite negative and loaded themselves. I seem to have absorbed some of the energy in the thread and I don't feel good about that. I hope you feel better soon!

  9. #8
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by jwallace17831
    I need some advice from this community. This story can be very long, but in a nutshell I have a friend who historically I feel takes advantage of me. I have been friends with her for around 7 years and throughout that duration, I have found out stuff she has said about me behind my back, have witnessed firsthand nasty texts she has sent about me(she showed me by accidentally on her phone), and just overall have encountered small things that I didn't think about at the time but have seemed to always add up to larger fights.

    She has never been very supportive. For example, she got jealous when my boyfriend and I got a new dog. So much so that when we both went to a mutual friends birthday party, she blatantly ignored my boyfriend and I and told me she didn't want to talk to me. We ended up getting into a blow up fight that night over her being so passive aggressive. When we met weeks later to chat about it, she basically admitted she felt like I wasn't hanging out with her as much as I used to and giving her my time. But she also brought up like ten other things I was allegedly doing to her to make her mad and that she was not communicating to me. I told her at that point that she really needed to learn to open up and not harbor feelings. Additionally, she has always been nasty to this boyfriend (who is now my fiance) and she continues to follow my ex on instagram who put me through emotional turmoil for 3 years. She brings him up often and even bumped into him two years back and divulged personal information about me and my new relationship to him. My mom has stage 4 breast cancer and she proceeded to divulge to him info about that, among other things.

    Fast forward to my birthday this past year. She did not send me a direct text to say happy birthday but instead only wished me one after a friend of ours pinged me on a group thread that my friend is on. I responded "thanks!" to the first friend but not to her and she followed up with "You're welcome for my wishes too." At this point, I had enough. I never responded and deleted her texts and just never reached out again. That was October. It's now June and my boyfriend just proposed to me. I really thought once she saw the photo on social media she would reach back out at least to open the lane again and congratulate me but instead I have heard NOTHING.

    I have NO idea what I did to this girl to make her so mad and ghost me for this long. I am starting to think she is just a selfish, narcissistic person. I should also add, my mother has stage 4 breast cancer she is well aware of and I informed her of my dads heart surgery that occurred right before my birthday - so none of that stopped her from acting out at me in this way.

    What is the deal for real? How would you guys deal with this? Her and I have VERY CLOSE mutual friends and literally live in the same neighborhood, so I am just waiting for the dreaded in person interaction....

    Her birthday this time last year, I showed up alone (because my boyfriend was not invited of course) and brought her flowers and even helped pay her tab, just to put that in perspective.
    I don’t understand... if she is that bad of a friend why do you keep showing up in her life? From what you described she has shown you time and time again that she doesn’t want to be the kind of friend you want.

    I deal with those situations by distancing myself from those people and focusing my energy on reciprocal relationships with people that share the same values. And I whisper prayers of gratitude when they stop interacting with me and step out of my life.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I am starting to think she is just a selfish, narcissistic person.
    I'd just go with that and leave her in the dust where she belongs. If you have mutual friends that listen to her harp on you behind your back and don't tell her to stop it then they aren't mutual friends... they are her friends and you're better off finding new ones that will appreciate your birthday gestures and be happy when you have met a good man that wants to be your husband.

    If you never hear from her again you'll be better off so I suggest you start completely distancing yourself from her and slowing block and delete her from all of your social media.

    I will sign off by saying I would have forgone anyone's birthday if my boyfriend/husband/fiance was not invited too (if the gathering was not a girls night out). With friends like her, you don't need enemies.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I would maturely end the friendship diplomatically and respectfully as difficult as it is to do. I would send a kind email or text explaining that due to personality differences, it's time for both of you to go your separate ways. You needn't explain. Remain brief yet respectful. Let her know from this point forward that you will cease all contact. Should she disregard your wishes and hound you relentlessly with asking you for further explanations and back 'n forth correspondence, give her fair warning that should she continue, you will block her. I think this is fair.

    Should your paths cross since you share mutual very close friends and live in the same neighborhood, remain natural, say 'hello' in polite company but leave it at that. Always be polite, well-mannered, remain cordial yet safely distant. Remain businesslike but not too icy cold. Be cool. There is a way to handle this so there is peace and respect. No one has to get ugly about this. There will be hard feelings but I feel that this can be handled the best way you can. This is what I would do in order to prevent the situation from getting more awkward than it already is given that she's in your direct community and whom you see frequently.

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