Don't know how to deal with my boyfriend's anger management issues

For the past few months (3 months or so) my boyfriend has had multiple outbursts. What I mean by that is that something silly happens like me not ordering the right coffee for him and he just starts yelling and overreacting over nothing.

His personality is like that with everyone around him, that's just how he is and I've talked to him about it but he won't change and I know that by now.

I don't know what to do anymore, I can't just accept it and move on because it's not okay. The worst part about it is that every time he has an outburst a few minutes after cooling down he acts as if nothing happened and everything is fine and I'm left there thinking that am I supposed to be okay right now? It just gets me in such a bad mood and I pretend I'm fine but I'm not.

It is making me hide things from him because I believe he'll get mad and that's not healthy. It's also not healthy that there were times when I thought he'll hit me. Thankfully that never happened and when I told him that, he swore that he'd never do anything like that, but that's what everyone says and he obviously can't control his temper so there is no guarantee about that either.

I feel like it's hopeless to talk about it with him, but even thinking about breaking up is just so painful from any point of view.

I've also told him that every time he has one of his fits I think about breaking up and he was so shocked. Ever since that he has been calmer I have to say, but I still can't act like everything is perfect when I clearly am not.

You don’t “ deal with it” you leave .

I can't tell from your post whether you're both communicating effectively at all. His reaction to you finally saying something and appearing shocked seems to me like he had no idea you think or feel a certain way. He may be angry with you for stonewalling or not sharing enough of your feelings. I'm not excusing his behaviour and I don't believe any kind of force or aggression is a good sign. You should (for yourself) learn to be more communicative and don't feel so afraid from this experience that you shut down completely.

You don’t “ deal with it” you leave .

It's not that easy we've been together for two years and in general he makes me so happy and we have a lot of fun together and I love him and he has many good qualities. And it's obviously not always bad, but I also feel like whenever something like that happens it's slowly eating me up inside.

Look up the cycle of abuse and see if it fits.

It's not that easy we've been together for two years and in general he makes me so happy and we have a lot of fun together and I love him and he has many good qualities. And it's obviously not always bad, but I also feel like whenever something like that happens it's slowly eating me up inside.

I can't tell from your post whether you're both communicating effectively at all. His reaction to you finally saying something and appearing shocked seems to me like he had no idea you think or feel a certain way. He may be angry with you for stonewalling or not sharing enough of your feelings. I'm not excusing his behaviour and I don't believe any kind of force or aggression is a good sign. You should (for yourself) learn to be more communicative and don't feel so afraid from this experience that you shut down completely.

That's true I only share my feelings when it gets too much, but now I've talked about it and it did get better but not where I want it to be you know?

How long have you been together?

It's not that easy we've been together for two years and in general he makes me so happy and we have a lot of fun together and I love him and he has many good qualities. And it's obviously not always bad, but I also feel like whenever something like that happens it's slowly eating me up inside.

No relationship is all bad or all good. But there are signs here that the bad is going to outweigh the good.

Look up the cycle of abuse and see if it fits.

I looked it up and it doesn't really fit. First of all, he isn't criticizing me or putting me down, he just gets angry and he yells and i shout as well it's not like I'm a victim and I just sit there and listen to him. Secondly, there is no reconciliation phase, after we fight a few minutes pass of us not talking and when everything calms down he just acts normal. And when I talk to.him about it we both acknowledge what we did right and what we did wrong. Plus I never thought for one second that it's my fault he has anger issues.

How long have you been together?

We've been together for 2 years

No relationship is all bad or all good. But there are signs here that the bad is going to outweigh the good.

I just hope that won't happen, but all the fighting and everything is starting to get too much

Does he think his anger is a problem? If he doesn't, he is unlikely to change.

I have mentioned before on these boards than an ex of mine suffered from severe anger management issues. It ate at me too, made me very drained, and I remember fearing more than once that he would hurt me physically. He swore it wouldn't get that far - until he actually lost control one time and did. That was the end, for good.

I would strongly encourage you to step back and ask yourself if the good times are enough to outweigh the feeling of walking on eggshells, enough to justify hiding certain things to avoid a blow-up, enough to compensate for even a moment of fear that he will hit you. You're already suffering the effects of it, and it's only been two years. Add another 10 and a couple kids who see this happening.

If you are not yet ready to walk away, the only thing you can do is sit him down when he's not had an outburst. Explain to him what you told us here, and that you are prepared to leave if he does not take measures immediately to control his anger. By that, I don't mean that he should simply tell you he will "try" - no, it needs to be much more concrete than that. Professional help. Yes, make him understand it's that serious. If he waffles or denies he needs such help, you have a tough choice to make.

leave....there is nothing you can do but leave. He is the only one that can decide to change, and since he refuses to, that's your cue to quit him and get out.

Does he think his anger is a problem? If he doesn't, he is unlikely to change.

 

I have mentioned before on these boards than an ex of mine suffered from severe anger management issues. It ate at me too, made me very drained, and I remember fearing more than once that he would hurt me physically. He swore it wouldn't get that far - until he actually lost control one time and did. That was the end, for good.

 

I would strongly encourage you to step back and ask yourself if the good times are enough to outweigh the feeling of walking on eggshells, enough to justify hiding certain things to avoid a blow-up, enough to compensate for even a moment of fear that he will hit you. You're already suffering the effects of it, and it's only been two years. Add another 10 and a couple kids who see this happening.

 

If you are not yet ready to walk away, the only thing you can do is sit him down when he's not had an outburst. Explain to him what you told us here, and that you are prepared to leave if he does not take measures immediately to control his anger. By that, I don't mean that he should simply tell you he will "try" - no, it needs to be much more concrete than that. Professional help. Yes, make him understand it's that serious. If he waffles or denies he needs such help, you have a tough choice to make.

I'm not really sure he understands the situation, i've told him countless times that he overreacts about silly things and that he has issues but it's as if he's okay with that and I'm not sure if that's because he doesn't realise it or he is actually okay with it. From my experience, he will never accept to go to therapy.

You leave, you dont stick around til the day he smacks you. I wish you'd written yesterday as I'd have told you to watch Dr Phil, he had an incredibly angry hostile abusive guy on there who yells and hits and kicks his gf when she does the slightest thing he doesnt like, like getting him the wrong coffee. He's almost killed her a few times yet she sticks around. You are heading towards something like that if this bf of yours doesnt get some anger management help and soon. This guy is a walking red flag.

I looked it up and it doesn't really fit. First of all, he isn't criticizing me or putting me down, he just gets angry and he yells and i shout as well it's not like I'm a victim and I just sit there and listen to him. Secondly, there is no reconciliation phase, after we fight a few minutes pass of us not talking and when everything calms down he just acts normal. And when I talk to.him about it we both acknowledge what we did right and what we did wrong. Plus I never thought for one second that it's my fault he has anger issues.

YES, he is criticizing you. you ordered the wrong coffee and instead of ordering his own coffee so its right or saying "that's okay, honey, you didn't know what i wanted" and drink it anyways, he has an angry meltdown! And this is where you are also incorrect -- you say "i never thought for one second that its my fault" YES YOU DO --- "we both acknowledge what we did right and what we did wrong". you did NOTHING to deserve or trigger such a tirade of anger. ZERO. you know, i got thrown down a step and i could have said "my part in that was that i spoke up. Next time i won't, so i won't get shoved". Imagine having a child with this man and the little child proudly makes lopsided pancakes all by themselves and brings daddy pancakes and orange juice in bed and spills some. That would break a child if their parent went on an angry tirade because they hate orange juice or they spilled.

I looked it up and it doesn't really fit. First of all, he isn't criticizing me or putting me down, he just gets angry and he yells and i shout as well it's not like I'm a victim and I just sit there and listen to him. Secondly, there is no reconciliation phase, after we fight a few minutes pass of us not talking and when everything calms down he just acts normal. And when I talk to.him about it we both acknowledge what we did right and what we did wrong. Plus I never thought for one second that it's my fault he has anger issues.

Maybe there's a misunderstanding here. Both of you seem to be upset with each other and unable to communicate properly when you're upset with each other. He gets angry and yells but you shout too. The forum is sensitive to terms like 'anger management issues' and any issues of emotional or domestic abuse.

It doesn't seem like either of you are happy with each other. Call a spade a spade and end the relationship. Or learn to communicate a bit better together. You might also want to recognize how your language frames a situation as it can strongly colour the entire situation one way or the other. You may be using language around each other (both of you) that is aggressive to start without yelling and it eventually leads to a yelling match.

Whatever the case, it should be more about respect. I hope you find peace in all of this with or without him.

btw, abuse or no abuse -- the simple fact is after the 1-2 year mark (really the 6-8 month mark) we should start deciding if this person has long term potential - i.e. if this person is the man you want to marry in the future. What qualities make him incompatible with you. Anyone can tell jokes, enjoy talking about movies, etc, be courteous in public, but when it comes down to this -- imagine living and raising kids with someone with uncontrollable anger - anger spent on a coffee. A coffee. Imagine when something actually serious happened.

For the past few months (3 months or so) my boyfriend has had multiple outbursts. What I mean by that is that something silly happens like me not ordering the right coffee for him and he just starts yelling and overreacting over nothing.

 

I looked it up and it doesn't really fit. First of all, he isn't criticizing me or putting me down.

Ok you seem to be contradicting yourself here, so it's difficult to know what to think.

If he's throwing fits, yelling and overreacting because you didn't order the right coffee, then yes he is criticizing you. And you just used that as an example, so clearly there is more "silly" stuff you do or don't do that he overreacts to.

So I have to wonder what is he actually yelling at you about, if he's not criticizing you for something you've done or haven't done?

What types of things does he say? To say he gets "angry" is too broad, for me, I need something more specific.

Because it's quite possible you are being verbally abused, but since you're in love with him, you're in a sort of denial about it, because accepting the truth is too painful.

And would mean you might have to consider leaving him for your own mental health and well being, which is something you clearly don't want to do, nor are you emotionally prepared to do so you deny it (to yourself).

It's quite common among those being mistreated or abused in any sort of manner.

Why would you have been afraid he would hit you if the anger wasn't directed at you. Having enough anger directed at you that you think he might hit you is enough of a problem on its own, and that he was merely surprised when you said you thought of leaving him in those moments, but doesn't seem to have made the kind of big step you sound like you were hoping for says a lot.

Why would you have been afraid he would hit you if the anger wasn't directed at you. Having enough anger directed at you that you think he might hit you is enough of a problem on its own, and that he was merely surprised when you said you thought of leaving him in those moments, but doesn't seem to have made the kind of big step you sound like you were hoping for says a lot.

Oh man, I forgot about that! OP, something is terribly terribly wrong when you're in fear of your own boyfriend physically striking you over something trivial and ridiculous like you didn't order the right coffee, for example.

Now I can't say for 100% certain this is abuse, but it sure does appear to be from what you've written. And verbal abuse typically if not always escalates to physical.

You're already seeing the first signs of that.

I dunno, it's your call, but if I were dating a man who had me walking on eggshells like that, not knowing where the next outburst is coming from and being afraid he might hit me, I would be leaving immediately no matter how much I thought I loved him.

Love yourself, take care of yourself, because something I've learned over the years is no matter how much we'd like to think otherwise, no one else will.

I'm not really sure he understands the situation, i've told him countless times that he overreacts about silly things and that he has issues but it's as if he's okay with that and I'm not sure if that's because he doesn't realise it or he is actually okay with it. From my experience, he will never accept to go to therapy.

If he doesn't admit that this is wrong and doesn't even consider therapy to deal with this issue, then it's unlikely he'll change. The fact that he was so shocked that his anger issues make you think about breaking up with him tells me even more that he doesn't see this as problematic even though you've communicated with him that it hurts you. I'd be very careful because one day things can really get out of control and become physical... You need to decide if you want to be in a relationship with someone you need to walk on eggshells and that can get violent with you if you make the slightest deviation from what he likes or if you want to break free to be with someone with whom you don't need to be afraid.

Ok you seem to be contradicting yourself here, so it's difficult to know what to think.

 

If he's throwing fits, yelling and overreacting because you didn't order the right coffee, then yes he is criticizing you. And you just used that as an example, so clearly there is more "silly" stuff you do or don't do that he overreacts to.

 

So I have to wonder what is he actually yelling at you about, if he's not criticizing you for something you've done or haven't done?

 

What types of things does he say? To say he gets "angry" is too broad, for me, I need something more specific.

 

Because it's quite possible you are being verbally abused, but since you're in love with him, you're in a sort of denial about it, because accepting the truth is too painful.

 

And would mean you might have to consider leaving him for your own mental health and well being, which is something you clearly don't want to do, nor are you emotionally prepared to do so you deny it (to yourself).

 

It's quite common among those being mistreated or abused in any sort of manner.

He said "thats not what i ordered" calmly and i said calmly " that's what you told me to get you" and he got so angry and started yelling "that's not what i said don't blame it on me" and then i yelled "that's what you told me to get it's not my fault" it was basically that over and over for a few minutes. And then he told me he got mad because i blamed it on him. Maybe I'm not explaining it the right way but when he yells he doesn't call me names or stuff like that. The thing is that he gets really angry realky quick and for no reason, because fighting over coffee is childish.

YES, he is criticizing you. you ordered the wrong coffee and instead of ordering his own coffee so its right or saying "that's okay, honey, you didn't know what i wanted" and drink it anyways, he has an angry meltdown! And this is where you are also incorrect -- you say "i never thought for one second that its my fault" YES YOU DO --- "we both acknowledge what we did right and what we did wrong". you did NOTHING to deserve or trigger such a tirade of anger. ZERO. you know, i got thrown down a step and i could have said "my part in that was that i spoke up. Next time i won't, so i won't get shoved". Imagine having a child with this man and the little child proudly makes lopsided pancakes all by themselves and brings daddy pancakes and orange juice in bed and spills some. That would break a child if their parent went on an angry tirade because they hate orange juice or they spilled.

Yes, imagine this man having an anger meltdown on a child... I wouldn't put a child near such man, specially a man that doesn't even realize he has a problem nor wants to change.

YES, he is criticizing you. you ordered the wrong coffee and instead of ordering his own coffee so its right or saying "that's okay, honey, you didn't know what i wanted" and drink it anyways, he has an angry meltdown! And this is where you are also incorrect -- you say "i never thought for one second that its my fault" YES YOU DO --- "we both acknowledge what we did right and what we did wrong". you did NOTHING to deserve or trigger such a tirade of anger. ZERO. you know, i got thrown down a step and i could have said "my part in that was that i spoke up. Next time i won't, so i won't get shoved". Imagine having a child with this man and the little child proudly makes lopsided pancakes all by themselves and brings daddy pancakes and orange juice in bed and spills some. That would break a child if their parent went on an angry tirade because they hate orange juice or they spilled.

I posted a reply and explained what we were saying exactly during the fight. I still don't it's criticism since there was no name calling or anything like that, plus I as well said similar things to what he was saying. It's true I didn't do anything to deserve him getting mad over nothing, but when I said we both admit our mistakes does not mean I admit it's my fault this happened. In the example I gave it's true I didn't do anything wrong to begin with,but in other more serious situations it was my fault so I do admit that and he admits what he did wrong. To be honest he rarely says he shouldn't have yelled he always stood by it until I told him about breaking up. There have been times when I was yelled at for not doing anything and those times he did apologise and explain himself. I understand once in a while being in a bad mood and just having an outburst of anger, we've all done this, so I don't think that's a problem, the problem is that when I do something wrong he should be able to deal with it more calmly.