Is it getting too far

Hi, I’m new to this and I’ve never posted anything before. I’m 13 yrs.old and I am dating a boy right now. We’ve been together for 8 months on the 11th. I’ve never dated before so this whole relationship has been a little difficult for me. He’s dated a girl before but she was trashy and inappropriate towards him, so he’s glad that he has me now because I’m the total opposite of her. I kissed him on the cheek once during play practice at school and we had never done that before. Ever sense he’s kissed me on the cheek whenever he gets the chance to. We don’t see each other much at school and now it’s summer break so we won’t get to hangout much. At school he’s tried to hold my hand a lot and I’ve rejected it because I had a bad past and so I’m uncomfortable doing that. He’s kissed me on the lips a couple of times but I’ve kept it to a limit because it can be uncomfortable. He respects my wishes but I know he still wants to do it. During band class we’d watch movies sometimes and get free seating, especially after our last concert of the year. He’d always come and sit by me and try to hold my hand or but his arm around me. At first it was extremely embarrassing because my friend was next to me and she didn’t like that I was dating him and she thought I was too young to date. Eventually I let it happen but I felt uncomfortable with his friends watching us and the teacher looking at us occasionally. I love him soo much but I just don’t know how to express that i love him without getting touchy. His love language is by touch and words, but mines by gifts. It’s been really hard trying to make him the perfect gifts with notes showing that I love him because I don’t know if he’ll read one a day or whatever my gift says to do. Please give me advice on what you think would be a good gift that would mean a lot to him and that he’d actually do. I also want to know if you think it’s gotten too far or if I should tell him to lay it back and a bit. He knows I’m struggling so he tries to give me advice on how to be romantic, but he doesn’t understand how hard it is for me. I’ve told him what happened a long time ago that’s affecting our relationship today, and he says he understands, but he still wants me to snuggle into him or kiss him. Please help me decide what to do. Thanks for your time!

Don’t do anything you are not comfortable with, ever.

But also with love languages you give the other person something that THEY need like hand holding not a gift which is your need or love language.

It doesn't sound like you are comfortable with his approaches towards you. I must ask you if you feel that he is genuine. Do you feel he is genuine in his feelings and actions towards you? What are your gut instincts about this person?

His gestures may be a little too practiced and rehearsed for you and it's triggering red flags and warnings. If you feel like you're being punched in your gut every time he touches you or you start to panic and want to leave the room, these are not positive signs. You don't always have to rationalize the way you feel but you should be in tune with the way you feel and the way someone makes you feel when they're around you. Trust yourself and do what's right for you.

You don't need "advice" on how to be romantic, and I think you are wise to not rush a physical relationship! You are pretty young to even be in a relationship with someone. Don't ever let someone pressure you to do anything you do not want to do. If you don't feel like you can say "no" to this guy firmly, you aren't ready to date (and that's okay). Protect yourself. You have the rest of your life to try this stuff out.

I really do feel like he’s genuine towards me and I know he’d do anything for me. I know him really well and I know that he doesn’t want to make me feel uncomfortable. I love it when he loves on me it’s just that he’s very outgoing and doesn’t care what others think but I’m the other way around. I’ve rejected him a couple of times, mainly because his friends were staring at us. I’m going to tell him that I think we shouldn’t do that but that we can hug when we see and leave each other. I want him to know I love him but I don’t think snuggling and kissing is the way to go. I’m going to tell him we can hold hands and he can have his arm around me but that’s it until we’re in high school or later. Thanks for the advice!

I understand why he’s trying to give me advice, but he doesn’t really realize that I’m not like most girls. I can talk “romantic” as he calls it, over text but not in person because then I feel like I’ll mess up or stutter. I’m going to text him when we talk tonight about how I think we should slow it down a bit. I’ve asked him not to kiss me on the lips before and he’s respected it. He’d ask me if he could but he’d also reassure me that he’s not pushing me and just wants to live on me. I’ve said no before even when he’s said that and he’s understood. I hope that summer break will help with this and that he realizes that romance isn’t my top priority or my talent. Thanks for the advice

You’re way too young to comprehend love languages or any of that. It makes me sad that you’ve had time to even research it, you should enjoy being a kid because you are one, that’s precisely why all this is making you uncomfortable you aren’t there yet, don’t push it.

I love him so much.

He would do anything for me.

All this idealistic language is just not at all based on anything but ideals and fantasy right now, these concepts don’t fit with your first boyfriend you see inbetween class and chat with on messenger and can’t even see over break because your mom won’t drive you.

You have to kinda stay grounded with all this so you don’t prematurely learn unhealthy relationship habits.

Never do anything you aren’t comfortable, even holding hands, learn what your boundaries are and how to

Communicate them. And please no more 0-100. Just enjoy things for what they are. A first boyfriend and girlfriend. This is supposed to be fun. I would be devestated if my child was putting this much thought and stress and effort into a romantic relationship at 13, you have so much time to explore all that, it shouldn’t be anxiety inducing this young...can you maybe talk to your parents and get advice?

Good for you. It sounds like you know what to do. Don't undercut yourself so easily. It's one thing to be humble and it's another to sell yourself short. I think you're fine in the romance department and are navigating the waters very well. I hope it goes smoothly and, again, trust your instincts.

I really do feel like he’s genuine towards me and I know he’d do anything for me. I know him really well and I know that he doesn’t want to make me feel uncomfortable. I love it when he loves on me it’s just that he’s very outgoing and doesn’t care what others think but I’m the other way around. I’ve rejected him a couple of times, mainly because his friends were staring at us. I’m going to tell him that I think we shouldn’t do that but that we can hug when we see and leave each other. I want him to know I love him but I don’t think snuggling and kissing is the way to go. I’m going to tell him we can hold hands and he can have his arm around me but that’s it until we’re in high school or later. Thanks for the advice!

Good good good

Thanks Rose Mosse!

Sounds like you got your head on straight, you will do just fine with it.

Well, I think that's great that you don't want to rush anything too physical and that is definitely a good idea. Although I think that holding hands is a gesture of care and affection and it's technically not too invasive if you're supposed to be dating. When you're older things like holding hands and kissing would constitute a large part of a relationship. However if you're not comfortable to hold hands then are you sure you want to date this boy? Maybe you'd prefer to just be friends? Then all that pressure to kiss and hold hands would be taken away.

Well, I think that's great that you don't want to rush anything too physical and that is definitely a good idea. Although I think that holding hands is a gesture of care and affection and it's technically not too invasive if you're supposed to be dating. When you're older things like holding hands and kissing would constitute a large part of a relationship. However if you're not comfortable to hold hands then are you sure you want to date this boy? Maybe you'd prefer to just be friends? Then all that pressure to kiss and hold hands would be taken away.

^^My thoughts as well.

You also stated this in your original post:

At school he’s tried to hold my hand a lot and I’ve rejected it because I had a bad past and so I’m uncomfortable doing that.

You don't need to tell us what your "bad past" was but obviously it's having a negative effect on your ability to share the most basic form of physical affection -- holding hands - which even friends do.

Have you sought any sort of counseling to help you through the emotions you're experiencing due to your past, whatever it was?

Because it's not going to get any better, and as you reach adulthood, it may have an even larger negative effect on your relationships.

Also, at 13 years of age, how did you even find out about love languages, let alone research it?

I dunno, I suppose kids are growing up faster these days; I didn't become aware of love languages until in my 20s!

So I was just curious about that.

^^My thoughts as well.

 

You also stated this in your original post:

 

At school he’s tried to hold my hand a lot and I’ve rejected it because I had a bad past and so I’m uncomfortable doing that.

 

You don't need to tell us what your "bad past" was but obviously it's having a negative effect on your ability to share the most basic form of physical affection -- holding hands - which even friends do.

 

Have you sought any sort of counseling to help you through the emotions you're experiencing due to your past, whatever it was?

 

Because it's not going to get any better, and as you reach adulthood, it may have an even larger negative effect on your relationships.

 

Also, at 13 years of age, how did you even find out about love languages, let alone research it?

 

I dunno, I suppose kids are growing up faster these days; I didn't become aware of love languages until in my 20s!

 

So I was just curious about that.

I have not gotten or even thought about any counseling because I had always thought that I’d gotten over it and that it wouldn’t affect me anymore sense my parents dealt with it years ago. I do want to hold his hand at times, it really just depends. The main reason why I don’t like to is because of people watching and I’ve been bullied a lot over the past 3 years. Ever since my brother was diagnosed with cancer people have treated me bad, so that also keeps me from holding his hand at times because I feel like people will make fun of him, not just me.

To answer your question about love languages, my mom taught me them through the Bible a while back and my family talked about what each other’s love languages are. I then talked about it at a Christian after school group once because the leader was teaching us about love languages and her daughter talked about her and her boyfriends love languages. Her daughter had also suggested thinking about the other persons love languages. That’s what made me realize that i should think about what his are and try to show my love towards him by using a love language that he has and that doesn’t always come easy to me.

Thanks for the questions and help😊

In what way do people treat you bad because your brother has cancer?

My brother also has cancer, he's terminal in fact, and I have received tons of support from those I've shared this news with, including those on this forum.

So I'm surprised by that and curious how people have treated you badly because of it.

I dunno, it just seems with your "bad past" and now the disclosure about being bullied, and your perception that people treat you bad because of your brother's illness -- all of which apparently prevents you from feeling comfortable doing something as simple as holding hands (which again friends do) and believing people will make fun of you for doing so -- again I strong advise speaking with your parents, sharing this with them, and getting yourself some therapy.

Good luck.

How old is he? You don't need 'advice on being romantic". It sounds like he's pushing you to be more physical. Only do what you are comfortable with. If he gets too pushy, break up. You should not be feeling "uncomfortable". That's a red flag.

Don't let guys paw you up and tell you you need to let them to "show your love". That's a line and a lie. You don't need to prove or show your love with gifts, getting too sexual, etc. Just be you.

I love him soo much but I just don’t know how to express that i love him without getting touchy. His love language is by touch and words, but mines by gifts. It’s been really hard trying to make him the perfect gifts with notes showing that I love him because I don’t know if he’ll read one a day or whatever my gift says to do.