My story.

Been reading many different things and just want to get opinions on my story.

So, I met my ex back in October 2018, it was a crossing paths/fate moment.

We got on very well, she had recently left a very toxic relationship back in August (which she was very glad to leave as she wanted to do it for months!)

We dated for 3 months, feelings grew and a grew and we became official in January 19.

The relationship moved at quite a pace, we had very deep feelings for each other and march time we did admit to loving each other.

She admitted to me that I was the best thing that ever happened to her, she wanted me in her life 100 percent and she loved me with all of her heart. I was the only person she had opened up to so much, she felt so calm with me.

I could tell this was true. Just by the way she looked at me! We were madly in love with each other.

After this time she had an operation. She was off work for a month and really did suffer. I was the attentive boyfriend, maybe I was over attentive but made sure she was ok, tried to make her happy.

Then she started becoming cold toward me, no attention, making me feel horrendous so in typical male fashion I stepped it up a notch. I got clingy and needy which I know pushed her away.

But, we were still talking daily and a week prior to breaking up with me she said we should get back to our routines, get back to our hobbies etc as she felt better too. I agreed. She mentioned we needed to be a team together but have enough space to miss each other!

We did this for a week and everything appeared to be getting back to normal. She told me she loved me mid week, we didn't text as much, we looked forward to seeing each other the Friday prior to the breakup.

We met on the Friday but to me, she was still cold. It upset me. I stayed that night, but it felt sort of forced from her side. Saturday night I stayed but ended up on the sofa due to my snoring haha, so the next day I was grumpy!

The Sunday night I agreed that I wouldn't stay as she had a busy day the following day and I didn't want to make her feel crappy! I stayed until late evening but as her coldness got worse, I got upset.

I left and she text me saying that bedtime was early for me and was I ok? I said I was fine, just tired. I'll see her tomorrow!

Come the Monday, she got on with her day, as did I, it was a bank holiday so we were doing our hobbies etc, we had text throughout the day but come the evening she said we "needed a chat" as she felt there was something wrong the night before and she didn't want there to be tension between us, the usual heart sinking moment occurred.

When I arrived I could see she wasn't right. She explained that she had a lot in her head, work and life etc and needed to sort herself out. She was having issues with work and was looking for a new job etc which may well of got on top job her.

She explained that she may be chucking away the best thing that ever happened to her and when I asked her if this is what she wanted.

She said. I'm not sure. We kissed and I left.

I sent her a soppy message, wasn't massive but then apologised for it and said it came across a bit strong.

She text me a few days later saying it's ok, she needed space and we could still be friends.

I sent her a big message that explained I wasn't a clingy person, we had lost our spark and we needed to reset ourselves. I said I was here for her if needed.

She text me again a few days later, breadcrumbs which I replied to.

I sent her a couple of messages a few days apart reminding her of funny things we had done and something that reminded me of those things.

She then got colder and nastier! She said that I had no interest in her hobby (which was an outright lie!) And that's where it now sits.

Ive stopped watching her Facebook etc and I think she's going through the relief stage of the breakup at the moment (going out a lot more, out of character etc)

I've improved myself over the last few weeks and will continue to improve, Yes I went through the horrendous grief, two weeks of crying and absolutely heartbreak (she was my first love, I'm 31) but I'm trying to stay very strong plus improve myself!

She broke up with me on the 6th of May 2019. The last message she replied to was on the 31st of May

I've now started no contact.

I reckon it's a bit too late for that and I am slowly moving on too but in my favour there was:

No begging

No asking for her back

No texting her constantly (unless she messaged me prior)

No mention of the relationship at all apart from when I mentioned a couple of happy reminders (which she did say haha at)

No mention of getting back together.

Seeing that she possibly hasn't accepted the breakup yet. Likely for her to return in the next few months if I stay NC?

But would I take her back? No, Not instantly.

She hurt me, massively! But I'm not saying it won't happen again. We would need to talk about communication, something we both lacked and space!

Her friend mentioned that a few weeks after the breakup the ex did mention to her that she thinks she's made a mistake! Hmmm!

But What have I learnt from this?!

Communication is key!

Space and enough of it!

Don't change yourself for others.

So opinions from you guys!

Continuing no contact is an obvious one. But is it too late?!

I think she may have another male interested but he's the complete opposite to me. Years older, similar hobbies and interests which she said to me when we met that she was glad I didn't like as it was her thing to do!

Is there a likelyhood of her coming back?!

Opinions of this relationship welcomed!

Sounds like a whole lot of too much too soon and then with that realizsation it's hit her like a brick wall.

Wouldn't count on her coming back i would just get on my life, start enjoying it. I would stick to NC purely for that reason, not to win her back. If you are to have any chance she has to come back of her own free will.

Do not contact her again for anything. If she keeps contacting you with breadcrumbs block her or explain being friends with her would hurt too much, it's all or nothing. Probably wont get the answer you want but should end the games.

I'm sorry but when you get with someone recently out of a relationship, you are liable to end up a rebound.

Rebound relationship tend to be a fast moving, intoxicating whirlwind.....but....once the person starts to heal, find their own footing again, they suddenly realize that they don't need you anymore, so it's done. Do people come back to their rebounds after discarding them? Don't hold your breath.

As for NC, please stay NC. NC isn't to get her back, it's for you to start healing, getting some perspective, so you can also move on. Besides, you did try to maintain contact and all it did was leave her cold and annoyed with you that you won't go away nicely.

For your own emotional sake and sanity, treat break ups as a done deal. If your ex happens to wake up one day, realize what a horrible mistake ending things was and reach out wanting to reconcile.....well....then you can decide if you want to or not or maybe you've moved on, met a lovely person and no longer give a hoot about the ex and their wants. Isn't that a nice place to be? Life is too short to wait around on people to change their minds. Don't do it.

I'm not sure why all the exclamation marks as you're reading as a very emotional and excitable person (difficult to manage).

Thank you for breaking up the paragraphs though and making it easier to read. I agree with Ninja. It might be a bit too much too soon and you're a bit too emotional. I understand we all have different ways of showing how we care but you might like to tone it down a little - not because there may be anything wrong with you but because most people might not be able to handle that much too quickly.

She is not interested in you. You should take the hint (very big hint as she broke up with you and she doesn't want to speak to you). She is not coming back and I don't suggest waiting for her to come back. Delete her off social media and stop tracking her. Stop speculating about her love life as it's none of your business. You will come across as a negative person (nosy and imbalanced).

Don't take it too hard and just know that there are different folks out there. You owe it to yourself to take this with a pinch of salt and move on. Find someone you're more compatible with.

Thanks for the replies so far.

I am quite an emotional guy and some of you can obviously sense this. I don't think it's a bad thing to be in touch with my emotions but a lot of women don't like it.

I struggle with meeting women, never had the confidence to just approach them. I've been in a few date/seeing each other things but nothing where I loved someone so much.

This was the first proper relationship I've had so I am finding it hard to let go.

What confuses me so much is why she could go from giving me the earth and telling me she loved me so much to what appears to be hatred and negativity. All in a matter of weeks!

I suppose I will never understand and I will probably never get an answer from her either.

I don't want to believe I was a rebound. Not with the way how she opened up to me and how much I meant to her at the time. She told me regularly that she didn't deserve me and that I was perfect in every way!

I'm nearly at the acceptance stage now (along with a slight hatred of her from my side for hurting me so much) and I keep going over the negatives of the relationship, there were a few things I didn't like about her. But there was a lot I liked.

I will stay in NC for my own benefit, although I will not delete her from social media simply as that closes the line of contact we had.

Thanks

J

Sorry for the pain. The short ones can really get you twisted up.

I'm tempted to say it moved too fast, but at least on the surface that doesn't quite seem to be the case. What I'd say, and you're not going to love hearing this, is that you guys never really got intimate beyond those early, fluttering, drug-like feelings—that the "love" you both expressed was less about loving the other person (someone who was still too new for that) but the way that person you made you feel (high as a kite).

Who knows exactly why she got cold. Maybe because she jumped into things too fast with you after her toxic relationship, maybe because she was thrown by the operation, maybe because she felt things were moving too fast and she was losing herself a bit—maybe all of the above or none of the above. But if you can't give someone space during those moments—if you "step up" in the form of getting clingy and needy—the message you're sending isn't loving but selfish. You're basically demanding that they give you your drugs back, and give them to you now, you know?

If there's a lesson here—and there are often valuable lessons from short relationships than burn out fast—it's that "stepping up" in "typical male fashion" can mean the opposite approach. It can mean standing still, with confidence, even as another wobbles a bit. Just being there, but not in a freaked out, performative Tarazan way. That generally sends a much more powerful message to someone than becoming some cartoon of the Interested & Caring Man. The message is that you're more than a drug and more than a drug-seeker, but a human being who is stable even while invested in another human being.

Moving forward, please don't contact her anymore and don't expect to hear from her. Do you. Feel what you need to feel, listen to the lessons, be grateful for this opportunity to improve, and accept that this whole thing is not over because of one or three little things you did but because you guys just didn't have the kind of connection to be sustainable. That's okay. Doesn't make it meaningless, doesn't mean you both didn't feel what you felt and expressed.

Not every relationship goes the distance; some prepare us for the next ones, introducing us to feelings we didn't know we were capable of having and teaching us how to handle them with a bit more grace and fortitude. This sounds like that kind of relationship for you. Bittersweet, I know, but if you can accept it as that it'll put you on a path for even greater and deeper sweetness.

I don't want to believe I was a rebound. Not with the way how she opened up to me and how much I meant to her at the time. She told me regularly that she didn't deserve me and that I was perfect in every way!

If she was opening up a lot about her ex, about the pain of that relationship—well, that's pretty standard rebound stuff. It can feel special, feel like someone is being uniquely vulnerable with you, but it's really the opposite.

And all this talk about you being "perfect" and that she "didn't deserve" you? Well, that's also a chapter in the Rebound Handbook. One, no one is perfect; two, anyone who expresses that they're not "deserving" of a nice person who cares about them is not in a healthy state of mind to be in a relationship.

Again, all that stuff can feel very special. Feels great to be told you're perfect, just as it feels great to wrap your arm around the quivering bird and tell her how much you care when she expresses feelings of being unworthy. But all that? It's damage wearing lipstick, and when you get into that dynamic of regularly reassuring someone of their worth—well, the problem is that you're kind of rewarding their damage, making it a bonding point.

People don't like to feel broken for very long. Sounds to me like she enjoyed being fragile in your arms for a bit, but then stopped enjoying feeling fragile. Rebound stuff, in short, I'm sorry to say.

Thanks.

She did open up about her previous relationships but not hugely. She also opened up about her broken relationships with her parents

(mother left and took the brother, stayed with father but then he found a new partner and was then asked to choose between partner or daughter, he chose the partner, so that definitely messed her up)

I did tell her to stop saying she didn't deserve me and she did.

Just a shame as we had a great time together when we were together, she admitted to never laughing so much in her life, she loved lots of things I did and appreciated me for it, told me too.

We used to talk most evenings, she'd ring me when finishing work just to hear my voice. We'd have video chats when I was working at night for a good 30-40 minutes, talking about our days and work and life.

I suppose that's where I'm still addicted. It was the companionship I miss.

Just a damn shame...

I agree with Bluecastle but tend to think everyone is perfect exactly as they are and we are all moving towards (or should be moving towards) greater emotional and spiritual growth. I think it's also helpful to realize that it's over. This relationship is over and it's time to move on.

She does not seem like a very confident or stable individual to start and you're emotional by nature. It's not a good mix.

Friendships and companionships come and go. Don't you worry. Like I've said, take this with a pinch of salt, learn to laugh at the past and the little potholes and all the lessons. It hurts now but the future is far brighter without negative influences around you.

She sounds pretty fragile, my friend, and I'd do some thinking about how much that fragility was part of the attraction. Meaning: that one of the things that got you off was being that rock: the thing she could lean against, the voice at the end of the day, the person who could "teach" her that she was "deserving."

That's potent stuff. I've hit that pipe a bit myself, and it took some soul-searching of my own to understand why I found myself drawn to that instead of turned off.

I know those phone calls and video chats are intoxicating—and I'd imagine you two exchanged novels worth of texts when you were apart—but I think it's worth recognizing how addictive, and even shallow, that can be in the end.

These sorts of dynamics tend to form when two people are using the other as an escape hatch of sorts. Whatever she was trying to escape—well, that's pointless to try to figure out. What you were maybe trying to escape—I'd challenge yourself a bit to at least ask questions along those lines.

With regard to her father's absence yes, she is very fragile. This was 8-10 years ago and she worshiped the ground he walked on. For him to chuck her away like that damaged her and I know that for a fact.

She's been independent for a long time. In and out of bad relationships (one was so controlling he locked her in the house!) She lived homeless for a short period in her car, just yeah, really broken!

She does suffer with depression and anxiety. One of the reasons many of her friends say she broke it off with me. She also has no empathy at all, none, zilch! For me an emotional guy, that was difficult to take.

How did you get over that hump bluecastle as I'd have no idea where to start. Especially with finding out why I get attracted to fragile women!

My other relationships, if you were to call them that all ended in a similar fashion as I got too much, but I didn't learn my lessons as I didn't love any of them, they were simply quick in and out relationships.

This one was obviously different as I loved her so I've learnt my lessons from it and looking to improve myself.

All of my friends, colleagues and even some of her friends said I was like the perfect boyfriend, I took her away, we had fun, she enjoyed herself as far as I'm aware.

I don't want to change who I am but I'm scared that this experience is going to change me!

Any advice greatly recieved!

She sounds all over the place, i think you just outlived your welcome in her world (as a partner at least) i'm sorry to say.

I don't think you can fix her and that is what a lot of this feels like you. You see your role as her saviour almost, not doubting you love her but nothing good will come from this situation and thats what shes trying to show/tell you.

As you admit that you are attracted to fixing damaged women i recommend you get some professional help via therapy. It will help you understand why and prevent this from happening again and again.

It doesnt matter what her friends, your friends say. It only matters how she feels.

Move on my friend.

Please, please delete her from social media. You are only prolonging the pain. Please go full NC. This helped me when me and my man ended things due to circumstances. We were apart for 4 months. At month 1 he contacted me cause he missed me but said was not ready to be with me at that time. He wanted however meet for a coffee. Just to scratch his itch. I declined and asked for not contacting me. He respected this request but 3 month later he found me and was extremely persistent. By then we both were ready.

If we would keep in touch throughout this period, he would never miss me and would not be motivated to change that.

Just disappear from her life for good. Let her wonder....she will contact you but you have to ignore it.

I think you are wonderful man. You sound fantastic. My type of man. Trust me, you will meet your match.

NC it's such a good tool. Believe me, in a few weeks you may come to realisation that you don't actually want to be with her.

First month is the worse....it will get easier. I promise.

Just don't respond to any her breadcrumbs as you will be back to square one.

Good luck ....we are here for you

Yes this experience is going to change you. For the better. Eventually.

It's great to be in touch with your emotions. Don't lose that! But you will find ways to keep them more in check so they don't spill over into others as much. Sometimes you need the poker face, and other times it's ok to be more open.

There's probably nothing you could have done better that would have made this work out. You fell in love, and she hadn't actually done so, despite whatever actions or words there were otherwise. Some people are not as in tune with their emotions as you might be

I really doubt she will change her mind. Her comment about you not respecting her hobby or whatever is telling. What it tells me is she never actually opened up enough to give you the opportunity to feel like an important part of her life. She had an impression of you and went with that without trying hard to know you on a deeper level. There is probably a novels worth of stuff that she could have talked about with you, but she held it back. She kept it all in that head of hers until she couldn't handle it anymore. For her, this relationship was about the surface fun. When that wore off, there was nothing solid to hold onto.

No contact is no contact, and it's absolutely the best thing you can do to heal. Even just talking about her with someone or hearing about what she may be up to from a third party can be like a pause or a rewind on that.

This is your first relationship. That can be super tough to get over. You probably felt like what you had been waiting for finally happened to you and wanted it to last forever. Even though it didn't last forever, you know that a real relationship can be in the cards for you. It wasn't your fault that it ended, so you know that you can be a good boyfriend. There will be someone out there who will be looking for you, and they will be glad that you have had this experience so you can help do some of the leading through the relationship steps.

It's probably too early for you to start thinking about your next one, focus on continuing to improve yourself and healing. But as someone finally heading into a 2nd relationship after a similer burn bright-burnout first one, I can see how valuable that first one was. And how much better off my life is that it DIDN'T last.

Thanks everyone.

When we met there were a few red flags and she did ask if being out of a relationship so soon put me off. I explained it did but we will see where it went.

As the dating blossomed, me being spontaneous said I'd take her away new years eve. She wanted me but I told her to hold off at least until then.

I took her to Brussels new year's eve (we drove from the UK through France) which was an experience and New year's Day I agreed we should be together.

I have her a gift of matching necklaces (puzzle pieces which fitted together) which she loved to wear.

We had a holiday/vacation booked for the of end of June, which we were both looking forward to and only a few weeks ago she mentioned that one of her important events crossed over with it, but she didn't care as she would be well away from everything here, with me.

Then two weeks later she was gone.

I just find it confusing how someone could say so much to just turn it around so quickly.

I had to cancel the vacation, It was a couples location, the hotel was amazing and romantic. I didn't want to go simply as it would of broken me more.

I'm hopeful my person is out there somewhere, but I don't get out often, I haven't many friends to turn to, nearly all of them are now married with children and as much I I explain what I'm going through, most of them don't understand.

Being over 30 means my night club days are over, where I live hasn't much going on and online dating, that never worked well for me and as much as I'm back on the usual sites, I'm not feeling it.

Staying positive.

J

As they say.

When you give your best, when you are honest and good and treat her better than anyone, it would be impossible to not miss someone like that.

She just hasn't realised it yet.

Thanks everyone.

 

When we met there were a few red flags and she did ask if being out of a relationship so soon put me off. I explained it did but we will see where it went.

 

As the dating blossomed, me being spontaneous said I'd take her away new years eve. She wanted me but I told her to hold off at least until then.

 

I took her to Brussels new year's eve (we drove from the UK through France) which was an experience and New year's Day I agreed we should be together.

 

I have her a gift of matching necklaces (puzzle pieces which fitted together) which she loved to wear.

 

We had a holiday/vacation booked for the of end of June, which we were both looking forward to and only a few weeks ago she mentioned that one of her important events crossed over with it, but she didn't care as she would be well away from everything here, with me.

 

Then two weeks later she was gone.

 

I just find it confusing how someone could say so much to just turn it around so quickly.

 

I had to cancel the vacation, It was a couples location, the hotel was amazing and romantic. I didn't want to go simply as it would of broken me more.

 

I'm hopeful my person is out there somewhere, but I don't get out often, I haven't many friends to turn to, nearly all of them are now married with children and as much I I explain what I'm going through, most of them don't understand.

 

Being over 30 means my night club days are over, where I live hasn't much going on and online dating, that never worked well for me and as much as I'm back on the usual sites, I'm not feeling it.

 

Staying positive.

 

J

It was similar with me. 2 days after something like "your the best thing that's ever happened to me" and "I thank god every day that you are in my life" kind of stuff, it was "I don't think I ever loved you and I don't see myself ever being married to you so good bye".

Internally, she probably was like, "I'm not sure how I feel but I'm looking forward to going on the trip with him so let's see how I feel tomorrow". Tomorrow came and she realized she was prolonging the inevitable. The hard thing with dating - sometimes "when you know you know". Most of the time you aren't sure. Not being sure doesn't always mean you don't love someone or won't move in that direction. Usually it does, but it can take time to really come to that realization.

It looks like you have some things about your life you could change. Start giving that a try rather than trying to look for someone to stick back in the hole. Your emotions are trying to tell you something. The apathy of getting back into the dating pool is trying to tell you something. Listen to it.