Mixed signals and mind games?

Long story short.. we broke up 5 weeks ago after 2.5 year relationship with no real problems apart from usual arguments. 3/4 weeks before breakup we had a few more severe/volatile arguments and she told me that she wants to be alone and find her own independance cause she relies on me too much.

We had LC for first couple of days before NC (she blocked me on social media etc) which she broke to ask to come see me to see how I was doing.

She gets upset and is hugging kissing me saying she loves me and cares but feels like she needs to be alone. When I'm leaving to go back to my place she is crying like crazy upset to see me go.

A few days later she asks if I wanna come round and see her so I do (stupidly) and she ends up asking me to stay the night so I do (stupidly, although we dont hook up) the next day we had an argument that turned nasty again and a day later we were talking on the phone and she was upset again saying she wishes I didnt argue with her when we were together because i have said things she resents me for and she can not forget them. She tells me her heart wasn't in it any more and got herself upset again. She seems hella confused. We agree to not speak to each other now.

2 weeks to the day into no contact I post a pic on vacation on my social and she gets her friend to call me to ask if her passport is in my house as she needs to give its details to her friend. Now I know she has a pic of her passport on her cell so I dont know why she would need to get in touch to ask for a hard copy that she will not need yet. Also that day a mutual friend told me she has added an ex on social media that we had one of our last arguments about and she deleted him and blocked him.. is she playing games by asking for passport and adding old flame all on the same day that I post a pic of me looking happy on the beach?!

What do I do to win this girl back?!

When someone is acting erratically like this I always lean towards them having an interest in a third party whether they act on it or not.

The reason given for breaking up with you are just generic rubbish that someone says when they are finding it to be honest or feeling guilty.

I imagine she is at least thinking about someone else whether she has done something or not. Even if it's not this then I'd say it simply means she doesn't love you as much anymore but the hot and cold symptoms are usually based on if she is having a good time with other people or not.

She could also be confused but then you need to ask yourself are you happy to put your life on hold for someone else and be at their mercy when it comes to your own happiness.

I'm not that kind of person so I'd cut all contact as you don't have kids etc. She has made her choice let her work it out if it was right or wrong and get on enjoy your life.

Personally I think she's dabbled with returning to her ex either physically or emotionally at least and surprise surprise it didn't work out so she's blocked him again.

Your call.

Yeah I thought that myself initially and her mom got in touch to see how I was doing and she said she hadn't left the house really for 3 weeks since breaking up. She just sits on her house crying or arguing with her mom.

She was talking to a guy from work (new job started 3 weeks or so before we broke up) and she said shes just speaking with him like she would speak with any girl friend bc she has a really small circle or friends and doesnt have anyone to talk with.

The ex sent her a message while we were still together and that turned into an argument between us. She only unblocked him a few days ago when I put a pic of me on vacation and a friend commented on it asking who took the pic as he assumed I had come on vacation on my own.

I'd be of the opinion that she hasn't physically cheated but that the ex text has given her something to think about it and she doesn't know what to do for the best.

Sounds like you are playing games posting “happy” pics of yourself on the beach when actually you are here posting about how you aren’t that happy.

Who cares if she doesn’t need her passport today. It’s her property so give it back.

She has her passport. That's why I'm confused as she had no need to get someone to get in touch and she replied straight away saying " ah yea she remembers now"

She knows I'm not happy with our situation but I'm not going to put my life on hold so assumed there would be no problem with me posting pics especially since she ended things

Send her her passport. Who really cares the motive. Send her her passport and any other property of hers you may still have in your possession.

She's confused and doesn't know what she wants. Your best course of action is to remove any method of continued contact, and holding her passport hostage because you feel she has "no need" to have it is petty.

She had an ex contact her and that threw a wrench into whatever was going on with you two at the time, and this coworker, which may not be an affair, but there's something going on with that...she made choices. You need to move on. She made her bed. Put all her belongings in a box and drop it off on the porch, mail it, or make an arrangement to meet mom or a friend to drop it off. Wash your hands of this and move on.

Block delete forget in this case for me.

I have never had her passport but I dont know how to edit my post to add that in lol.

That's why I thought it was a dumb thing for her to ask because when I stayed the night I seen the passport in her bedroom with her other documents where it always is

She has her passport. That's why I'm confused as she had no need to get someone to get in touch and she replied straight away saying " ah yea she remembers now"

 

She knows I'm not happy with our situation but I'm not going to put my life on hold so assumed there would be no problem with me posting pics especially since she ended things

Stop posting “happy” pics if you aren’t.

You are playing games so stop wondering about her until you stop.

She's not in love with you anymore and you will probably never get back together.

However, she's trying to ween herself off you with this sporadic contact and of course that leads to fighting, drama, and rejection again and again, and she beats you up emotionally.

This is why sometimes it's best to cut contact.

Stop communicating with her while she processes her decision to break up with you. I promise you are only making things easier on her and reassuring her that she made the right choice.

Her uncertainty and erratic behavior should be a turn-off. Ask yourself why it isn't and if you want to still be waiting around when she starts dating someone new. It will destroy your self-esteem if you do wait, I promise you that.

Your first paragraph describing the relationship from her view is a bit telling. She said she relies on you too much. To me, this indicates a person who isn't confident in her own abilities and her rollercoaster emotions add to what she's telling you (she is very insecure about herself and where she stands especially in relation to you).

How old is she? Has she lived sheltered most of her life? There is something incredibly skewed about your dynamic and I think the power dynamics are completely imbalanced. She seems unsure, rife with confusion and lack of self-confidence and in a lot of constant pain. You shouldn't feel like it's on you to fix that. You cannot fix someone who as self-esteem issues. I think you can be a friend but considering your relationship history with her this is not in your best interests.

I'd move forwards and remain positive about your own future. She has to heal herself and catch up on a lot of growth and self-exploration. That growth has to come from within her.

This is not complicated at all. You two broke up, you should not be talking to her. That is how you get off the crazy train.

BUT if you want to make sense of it all it is also very simple. She is outgrowing you and you are not listening to what she is telling you. She is conflicted, she loves you but hates how the relationship is. I am sure she has told you many times or given hints about your behavior or the constant arguments or how she feels trapped or how you make her feel and you have either not listened, or you dismissed it. And how is it I know this? Because after she told you that she wanted independence from you, you two still argued.. Doesn't matter about what, you wanted to prove your point instead of understanding hers.

Not saying its a controlling thing but if someone says give them space and even if they want to see you, you give them space. Right now she is confused and by you being available is making the situation worse. So let her be, let her grow and see where she wants to go in her life, this might take months or years to do. You in the mean time, take time off and learn from this, learn about he arguments, the relationships, if you made mistakes how you not do them again. Grow from this ..

It may be a simple case of you just don't get along. Leave her be and stay no contact so you can reflect on how to best move forward.