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Thread: Difficult Breakup

  1. #1
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    Difficult Breakup

    My girlfriend of the last 6 years broke things off with me.

    She feels that we have grown apart over the last year or so (we have lived together for 2 years), the sex kind of stopped, 100% down to my sex drive even though i found her very attractive still.

    I don't think that there is any chance of saving the relationship she seems pretty sure and has said herself she is happy, although she still cares about me and really wants us to remain friends, although she kept saying that who knows that the future holds.

    She is also currently going through difficult times with herself, she said during the last year of the relationship she felt alone, when she talks to me about it, it sounds like she is depressed, could this of had an impact on the decision she made?

    Its worth noting that we initially took a 2 week break, I moved back to my mums, she said she thought it would make our relationship stronger, that she wanted to miss me and want me etc, but it didn't seem to.


    This was around a 6 weeks a go,

    Currently finding it hard to come to terms with everything ending, I am 8 days into no contact, but will need to speak to her at some point as we are sorting out a joint mortgage we have.


    I am currently seeing a councillor to help with anxiety that I have been experiencing from the breakup and and the doctor gave me some AD's to help.

    Suppose it would be really useful to see if you have any advise, and if no contact is the right thing to do, finding it hard not to message her.

    I would always share how my day has gone with her and message her every day pretty much.

    Thanks!!

    Alex

  2. #2
    Gold Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Go no contact is the healthiest way to deal with a separation. You need to focus on yourself, not her or your relationship. Once you follow that, you both will be in a better head space to either reconcile or move on.

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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    Go no contact is the healthiest way to deal with a separation. You need to focus on yourself, not her or your relationship. Once you follow that, you both will be in a better head space to either reconcile or move on.
    Thank you for replying, yes I agree thats the best way forward either way!

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You'll have to adjust to a new routine that doesn't include her. Pragmatically speaking, you'll just have to reprogram yourself (your mind) and fill your life up with fulfilling goals and hobbies and new relationships/friendships eventually. I'd give yourself time to process everything that's happened and work out your living situation.

    You mentioned your sex drive went downhill. I'm sure you have all kinds of thoughts and ideas about why that might have been so. Focus on you and getting back to feeling healthy and happy. Chronic stress can affect our personal lives in many ways. You might benefit from reading more about anxiety and learning more about what triggers your anxiety. Eventually you should be able to work independently and recognize those triggers and avoid them or learn how to manage those triggers. Anxiety is also very pervasive and it is far-reaching if unchecked. It takes a lot of time to come out of an anxious state. Be patient with yourself.

    The kindest thing you can do for yourself is acknowledge the relationship is over. Cherish the good memories but don't sabotage yourself and learn to rebuild. Look forwards.

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    I don't know everything in regards to the separation but 6 years is some effort on the part of both of you so you do have a history and there must have been some things that you both liked about each other.

    Is separation the best way to solve anything?

    I believe that there is always a reason and the separation doesn't get to the bottom of it. No hurt can be healed if not addressed.

    I am not sure how much you two have talked about your relationship on the whole or on her particular needs and wants; is it a sign now that it is time to move on?

    I would rethink and regroup as a couple and try and look at the current relationship and where you two are going. Are you working in the same direction?

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    Hi, thank you for replying.

    i would want nothing more than to get back together and work through our problems, but she has straight up said this isn't something she wants.

    She said she wants to experience what its like to be alone, to be independent, she mentioned about not ever having to ask permission to do anything (not that she had to anyway when she was with me).

    She isn't a talker, she is very good at keeping her emotions bottled up hence why I didn't see the breakup coming, so talking to her about her feelings is very difficult.

    I have encouraged her to speak to someone about it all, a counsellor perhaps if not her family, but I think she is yet to do this.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    You'll have to adjust to a new routine that doesn't include her. Pragmatically speaking, you'll just have to reprogram yourself (your mind) and fill your life up with fulfilling goals and hobbies and new relationships/friendships eventually. I'd give yourself time to process everything that's happened and work out your living situation.

    You mentioned your sex drive went downhill. I'm sure you have all kinds of thoughts and ideas about why that might have been so. Focus on you and getting back to feeling healthy and happy. Chronic stress can affect our personal lives in many ways. You might benefit from reading more about anxiety and learning more about what triggers your anxiety. Eventually you should be able to work independently and recognize those triggers and avoid them or learn how to manage those triggers. Anxiety is also very pervasive and it is far-reaching if unchecked. It takes a lot of time to come out of an anxious state. Be patient with yourself.

    The kindest thing you can do for yourself is acknowledge the relationship is over. Cherish the good memories but don't sabotage yourself and learn to rebuild. Look forwards.
    Hi,

    Thank you for replying to me.

    Yes I am finding it difficult to see purpose in what I am doing now & to take any pleasure or enjoyment in activities that used to make me happy.

    Agreed that the sooner the living situation is sorted the better, she is currently saying a friends house minding there dog whilst they are on holiday, (im at my mums) so I dont think the full impact of us breaking up and her being alone in our old home has hit her yet, I am guessing it kind of feels like a holiday for her being at her friends.

    When she does come back to living in our old home, she will see all of my stuff gone,

    We did have almost a final goodbye the day I moved out in which she said she dosn't really want me to leave, but understood it would be unfair of her to ask me to stay, or even ask me to leave.

    She said the biggest worry through all of this process was hurting my feelings.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm sorry but it doesn't sound like she's in love with you anymore. I know it hurts to hear that. You've moved out already so start focusing on your new life at your mum's and rebuilding your life from there on. Slowly your thoughts should be shifting away from what she may be thinking or feeling to thoughts involving your life separate from the past/this relationship. Life does go on.

    You mentioned finding it difficult seeing a purpose in what you're doing now. That's fine because you're processing all your emotions and trying to organize your thoughts. It's natural not being able to see clearly when we're clouded by emotions and our routines are in upheaval. Your sense of feeling will start to come back naturally over time. Give yourself time. Spend time with family and make the effort to spend some time with friends too. Bit by bit things will come back to you.

  10. #9
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    Hi,

    Thank you for replying to me,

    Yeah I agree, she hasn't stopped loving me, she said the love has just changed from romantic to more of a friendship, Yeah hoping for that day when I start to feel better to come sooner rather than later!


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