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Thread: Feel insecure after getting back together.

  1. #1
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    Feel insecure after getting back together.

    Hi all I’m new to the forum thing and totally knew here but looking for some advice to help me get my head straight.

    I have been with my wife for over 20 years and married for 16 of them we also have a teenage daughter.

    A few months ago we had a falling out but nothing any more than what we usually had in the past as we have never argued about anything major so we usually sort it out and move on. To be clear this doesn’t happen that often either.
    This argument we had ended up in my wife deciding that one of us had to move out which I did a few days later and wish I hadn’t done. Now I’m now putting blame on my wife but from the moment I told her I was moving out she had things moving very quickly in order for her to be alone.
    I was out the house a few days and when I returned at our home to collect a document I needed I was horrified to find she had removed all trace of me so soon, it’s as if I hadn’t stayed there at all.
    I won’t lie, this broke my heart as I had already been extremely upset at what had happened but my wife just didn't care or seem upset at all and told me it was over that she felt absolutely nothing for me and had no emotions towards me.
    I was also told that for the past while she had felt like this and anything between us she was faking just to keep trying and I mean anything between us.

    I left absolutely devastated and heart broken over this as I always thought we had a really strong bond and could achieve anything together. I actually became really unwell and upset, so much so my family had to get a doctor to me because of the state I was in and I know you don’t know me but I never get like this. I have lost loved ones and never been so upset.
    I then calmed down a few days later and had to come to the fact because I knew my wife so well what she said she meant so it was time for me to accept what was happening.

    Later that week I went back home again to collect personal items when my wife came through and asked if we could talk. I obviously agreed as I deeply missed her and anything said in the past week was mostly hurtful and not from myself, I stayed pleasant and as understanding as I could be. This talk when on and we discussed what my wife had issues with to which I apologised deeply for as I had no idea She was feeling so strongly about things in our marriage, I won’t say she hadn’t mentioned them but I didn’t think things were a major issue.
    Anyway from this talk she and I decided I should move back in and try and sort things out which again obviously I agreed to as I missed her deeply and was struggling without her in my life. The thing she did say was there would be no sex between us as she wasn’t ready for that yet. Things were great for a few days, we kissed and cuddled and told each other we loved each other and I explained i wouldn’t rush the sex thing but it has always been in issue in the 20 plus years we have been together.
    After the few days things went sour again out of the blue. My wife had a chat with me and told me she was pretending again and there was to be no more kissing and cuddling and that she wasn’t sure if she loved me as a friend of as a husband. Again I was left in tears hearing this but she just got up and walked away and said she can’t deal with me in that state. I was crushed and back at the previous week of hell I had just gone through (I should add I was away from home a week).
    I calmed myself down after a drive, went back home and asked what was happening. My wife said she thinks we should give it a month together and see what happens between us again I agreed as I didn’t want to loose her.
    Fist week was hell for me and my head was full of all kind of thoughts and feeling. The past few weeks have been better and at the end of the month we are now back at the kissing and cuddling but it’s just a kiss and cuddle you would give a family member at say Christmas time or that kind of event (sorry best way I can explain it). I have changed my whole lifestyle about to make her happy and I mean in a big way. I am doing everything I can to please her and make her feel special. I asked my wife at the end of the time she gave what she was now thinking and she replied with, I think we are doing better so let’s just keep going and see what happens.
    Now I am happy with this but I just don’t feel there is any kind of intimacy between us whatsoever, she never approaches me for a kiss or cuddle or tell me that she loves me I always have to be the one to approach her. She is still saying she doesn’t feel ready for any kind of intimacy between us because she has no emotions. She won’t get changed in front of me which she has always done in the past. I cuddled her the other day and accidentally touched her boob and she swiftly moved me away.
    I am bending over backwards to fix things and have promised this is how it will be from now on but she has made very little effort to repair what’s broken, I have now taken care of everything she had issues with to which she said she is happy with.
    She does say she is happy now but I feel I’m there as a friend and not her husband.

    Sorry I know it’s long but I’m looking for an outsiders view on this.

  2. #2
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Give it time. She's not going to be receptive nor give affection within a few days, weeks or it could take months. You need patience. Also, have more in depth discussions about everything on your mind. Talk it out. Let her express her feelings and complaints, too.

    Also, seek professional marriage counseling to sort things out.

    She is healing and recovering. Take baby steps along the way. Don't expect instantaneous results just because you moved back home.

  3. #3
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    I am more than happy to give it time and Ive told her this. Im in no hurry but Im just not feeling like any effort is being made on her part.
    I have mentioned professional help but it was not something she was interested in.
    Also Ive tried talking but it never goes well, I get limited answers then told to leave it be.

  4. #4
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    Originally Posted by Timeout74
    I am more than happy to give it time and Ive told her this. Im in no hurry but Im just not feeling like any effort is being made on her part.
    I have mentioned professional help but it was not something she was interested in.
    Also Ive tried talking but it never goes well, I get limited answers then told to leave it be
    .
    Then you need to stop this reconciliation process. You can't put your marriage back together single-handedly. If she is unwilling to meet you half-way, this will never work. Baby steps are important, yes, but it cannot be a one-sided journey.

    What was the initial falling out about, which led to you leaving?

    To address the pink elephant, are you sure she isn't seeing anyone else?

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    Give it time. She's not going to be receptive nor give affection within a few days, weeks or it could take months. You need patience. Also, have more in depth discussions about everything on your mind. Talk it out. Let her express her feelings and complaints, too.

    Also, seek professional marriage counseling to sort things out.

    She is healing and recovering. Take baby steps along the way. Don't expect instantaneous results just because you moved back home.
    What is she healing and recovering from?? That he is not?

    Do you think she had an affair?

  7. #6
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    The falling out was over something which I thought silly. It was that we had the house to ourselves for the night and we had plans to have some much needed intimacy time. For some reason my wife decided that this wasnt going to happen and I wont lie I was disappointed which lead to me being a bit angry as this was becoming a regular occurrence with my wife.
    I genuinely dont think she is seeing somebody else. She does spend way to much time on her phone reading stuff on the internet and Im thinking she has been reading things that have been putting ideas in her head.
    This has always been an issue also, the time she spends on her phone is crazy for a women her age, she is on her phone more than our teenage daughter is and she guards it heavily. She will not leave it laying around at any point, Ive seen her panic when she forgot to lift it.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Timeout74
    The falling out was over something which I thought silly. It was that we had the house to ourselves for the night and we had plans to have some much needed intimacy time. For some reason my wife decided that this wasnt going to happen and I wont lie I was disappointed which lead to me being a bit angry as this was becoming a regular occurrence with my wife.
    I genuinely dont think she is seeing somebody else. She does spend way to much time on her phone reading stuff on the internet and Im thinking she has been reading things that have been putting ideas in her head.
    This has always been an issue also, the time she spends on her phone is crazy for a women her age, she is on her phone more than our teenage daughter is and she guards it heavily. She will not leave it laying around at any point, Ive seen her panic when she forgot to lift it.
    Certainly sounds like she at least dabbled with the thoughts of an affair and when the guy bailed on her she returned to you?
    So no, prob not seeing anyone physically , but she has definitely checked out emotionally. Which is kind of worse.
    You need to have a serious talk with her.

  9. #8
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    Yes sorry to say I think she's had an affair/having an affair or met someone else and thinking about leaving.

    She's certainly leaving you hanging anyway. Very cold of her.

    She maybe confused or whatever but that doesn't justify her messing you around. You are hanging on and letting her call all the shots essentially dictating your life to you.

    It takes 2 to make/break a relationship and she doesn't seem that interested in saving it so I would give her all the space in the world and accept that it's over and move on.

    I imagine her hot and cold moods at the moment are due to how well things are going with other new males in her life but that's just my opinion.

    Sorry this is happening to you.

  10. #9
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    OP, a lot of what you describe is red-flag behaviour of infidelity.

    I think you need to wake up a bit, though I know its a tough possibility to consider.

    Do you have access to phone records?

  11. #10
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Well, your wife broke up with you because there was something missing and she fell out of love with you. You probably took her for granted in one of these four areas: trust, affection, respect, or romance.

    And you were shocked that she fell out of love with you quite awhile ago and was faking it. This is typical, men often don't see the signs.

    Often, when somebody falls out of love with their partner, the love never comes back, and you can't get happily back together. Reality is not like Hollywood movies.

    She's probably grasping at straws, trying to get that loving feeling back - because she does not have a new man in her sights, she has nothing else.

    You can try to work it out, but I doubt it's going to happen, sorry.

    I would start dating other women even though you don't want to, it's good therapy. Also get involved with your life as a single guy. It will take some time for you to heal, but you will.

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