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Thread: Feel insecure after getting back together.

  1. #11
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    I agree with the others that this sounds like behavior that follows a "failed" affair. I think you need to dig deep and ask yourself if any of this is worth it. It doesn't sound like she actually has any intention of trying to heal your marriage.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member indea08's Avatar
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    Another vote here for exploring the possibility of an affair.

    Also Ill add that, assuming no affair is happening, it may be hard for your wife to re-develop feelings for you when your relationship consists mostly of you trying to butter her up and waiting for the prize of her affection in return. I mean, things seem like theyve been pretty heavy for awhile. Emotional discussions, tears, leaving vs staying, trying or not trying. Im sure that to her, it feels like everything you do comes with a price tag. For example, he did all the dishes and took out the trash, I really should be nice to him for that. or he fixed issues X, Y, and Z so I need to feel good about him.

    What Im trying to say is that youre not creating a situation for her love to grow naturally, and thats something that cant be forced.

    My suggestion? Date her. Actually plan a date, as if its your first one. A fun date, not an intimate one. No pressure of being expected to feel something that she may or may not feel, just a good time spent together. That is how you redevelop feelings, and it will naturally progress back into an intimate connection. Try to do something like this 1-2x a month, and see what happens. Remind her of how much fun life is with you.

    Best of luck to you.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm not sure it's an affair at all although I can see why there may be suspicions for something along those lines.

    Towards the later half you described changing your lifestyle for her (what lifestyle?). Was this lifestyle destructive or did it include any addictions or hobbies that excluded her or made her feel unwelcome in the marriage? She also expressed very deep resentment and aversions to some of the things in the relationship related to you in particular and you weren't quite aware of how deeply resentful she was. I think these are all enough to cause someone to emotionally and physically pull away or become adverse to any physical touch.

    There is also something in her behaviour that seems fearful of you. I think this fear can also be interpreted differently as disgust (I'm referring to the way she pulled away when you touched her). Without any other details, it's difficult to understand why her behaviour is the way it is.

    I think both of you should figure out where you want to go from this, try couple's counselling if you have it available where you are and the idea of dating each other again seems hopeful. Work through those residual feelings of resentment, fear or anger towards each other. You should communicate more and be patient with each other. Feel free to vent here on the forum or include updates.

  4. #14
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    It sounds like that, although that you are telling the tale here on the forums, your wife seems to be pulling the strings away but there seems to be something she is not revealing to you.

    There sounds to be a mismatch in needs in the works, looking at what you wrote about the physical intimacy and then a relapse of separation.

    Is there anything that she is not telling you? And, how are you handling it when you talk to her; are you listening to her actively and showing you are listening? How do the talks generally go and end?

    There seems to be friendship going on, but too much "love" going on without the trust, security and communication by the sounds of it; maybe too much happening all at much and she is getting confused and swamped.

    Would love to hear your thoughts on it please.

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  6. #15
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    Hi all not been on to read the replies due to busy few days.
    I am 100% sure there is no affair going on as I couldnt see how she possibly could have the time.
    I have also never thought that I have taken her for granted in any aspect as I have always felt we both done as much for each other.
    From what was mentioned above, yes I had hobbies as did my wife but both of them never involved the two of us being involved in each others. I have mentioned previously that I suggested couple therapy but she didnt entertain it very well and felt we should just work at it ourselves to see what happens.
    I try to talk as much as I can to her and yes I always listen fully to anything she has to say but our talks usually start with her saying oh my not again and can end any number of ways from me feeling once again in an insecure sense or or could end with my wife feeling that Im annoying her.
    Im finding it hard to feel secure but she doesnt seem interested that I feel this way. She said she is happy and feels like things are going well between us just now but I just feel she has a distance to her that is making me feel wobbly about how things really are with us.
    Its a hard thing to explain to those who are reading this but we were always very close and I always felt we were a team that stuck together but after all this has happened Im constantly thinking the worst is going to happen.
    When I mentioned I have changed my lifestyle I am referring to the fact I now do a lot more around the house with washing and general chores (Im not saying I done nothing in the past here) I also ask her more how her day was, how is she feeling as she is unwell at the moment due to a long term intermittent issue she has. I also help her more with this and do what I can to make her feel better.

    I just feel that she has no interest in how Im doing or how Im feeling, now Im not putting out a guilt trip here its just that she used to ask if I was ok or how my day was, what was happening in work these kind of things but that has gone.

    I also dont want to seem like Im picking on her or trying to put her down for acting this way Im just finding it hard to understand why such a change in a small length of time, its like something has switched off.

    I do feel she is still there with me in some respect but just not the way she used to be and the being close to her either in a hug or a kiss it just feels like she is acting like she is doing this to a friend or family member. I did ask her the other day does she feel any different about how she feels about us being more intimate in the future and she said she cant give me an answer when she doesnt know herself.

    Im starting to really hate myself as I feel I have caused this to happen to her and I dont know why she has drifted this far from me. I love her with all my heart and always have but I obviously went way wrong somewhere and I just dont know where. Its really starting to tear me apart and I cant show or tell her this as anytime I do try and speak to her about this I end up upset which I have never done in the past only since this whole thing happened but she walks away and has no interest in trying to talk or help me understand.

    I hope this has all came out right as I find it hard to explain through a keyboard it as I said I dont blame my wife as I have obviously been in the wrong somewhere and it kills me to know I have possibly been responsible for the way she is because I have what I thought always done my best for us and the family and I do deeply love her and have never held any kind of resentment on her as I love everything about her. I just cant even begin to imagine how Im going to deal with this if things dont work out and return to a normal marriage as I have never been in such a mess emotionally as I was when we had out falling and I moved out.

    I would like to thank all that have taken time to read my problem.

  7. #16
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    I'm going to guess she "met" someone online. Hence the phone hiding.

  8. #17
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    I personally think the phone hiding is because she has text or other social platform messaging service where she has been discussing me/our problems with others and she doesnt want me to see. That was a big thing for me when we did split for the short period of time, I found out that within days she had informed a lot of people about what had happened which I personally found weird as I didnt want to discuss my personal family situation with anybody really. She had told people that I was obviously close to also which made it hard and for a difficult situation when I met them.
    Although they didnt mention anything to me so I dont know what was said by my wife I found out because my daughter had told me she had been speaking to people about the current situation at the time.
    I may have been wrong to get upset about this but I felt we should have kept it between us for a bit till we seen ourselves what was actually happening.

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