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Feel insecure after getting back together.


Timeout74

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Hi all IÂ’m new to the forum thing and totally knew here but looking for some advice to help me get my head straight.

 

I have been with my wife for over 20 years and married for 16 of them we also have a teenage daughter.

 

A few months ago we had a falling out but nothing any more than what we usually had in the past as we have never argued about anything major so we usually sort it out and move on. To be clear this doesnÂ’t happen that often either.

This argument we had ended up in my wife deciding that one of us had to move out which I did a few days later and wish I hadnÂ’t done. Now IÂ’m now putting blame on my wife but from the moment I told her I was moving out she had things moving very quickly in order for her to be alone.

I was out the house a few days and when I returned at our home to collect a document I needed I was horrified to find she had removed all trace of me so soon, itÂ’s as if I hadnÂ’t stayed there at all.

I wonÂ’t lie, this broke my heart as I had already been extremely upset at what had happened but my wife just didn't care or seem upset at all and told me it was over that she felt absolutely nothing for me and had no emotions towards me.

I was also told that for the past while she had felt like this and anything between us she was faking just to keep trying and I mean anything between us.

 

I left absolutely devastated and heart broken over this as I always thought we had a really strong bond and could achieve anything together. I actually became really unwell and upset, so much so my family had to get a doctor to me because of the state I was in and I know you donÂ’t know me but I never get like this. I have lost loved ones and never been so upset.

I then calmed down a few days later and had to come to the fact because I knew my wife so well what she said she meant so it was time for me to accept what was happening.

 

Later that week I went back home again to collect personal items when my wife came through and asked if we could talk. I obviously agreed as I deeply missed her and anything said in the past week was mostly hurtful and not from myself, I stayed pleasant and as understanding as I could be. This talk when on and we discussed what my wife had issues with to which I apologised deeply for as I had no idea She was feeling so strongly about things in our marriage, I wonÂ’t say she hadnÂ’t mentioned them but I didnÂ’t think things were a major issue.

Anyway from this talk she and I decided I should move back in and try and sort things out which again obviously I agreed to as I missed her deeply and was struggling without her in my life. The thing she did say was there would be no sex between us as she wasnÂ’t ready for that yet. Things were great for a few days, we kissed and cuddled and told each other we loved each other and I explained i wouldnÂ’t rush the sex thing but it has always been in issue in the 20 plus years we have been together.

After the few days things went sour again out of the blue. My wife had a chat with me and told me she was pretending again and there was to be no more kissing and cuddling and that she wasnÂ’t sure if she loved me as a friend of as a husband. Again I was left in tears hearing this but she just got up and walked away and said she canÂ’t deal with me in that state. I was crushed and back at the previous week of hell I had just gone through (I should add I was away from home a week).

I calmed myself down after a drive, went back home and asked what was happening. My wife said she thinks we should give it a month together and see what happens between us again I agreed as I didnÂ’t want to loose her.

Fist week was hell for me and my head was full of all kind of thoughts and feeling. The past few weeks have been better and at the end of the month we are now back at the kissing and cuddling but itÂ’s just a kiss and cuddle you would give a family member at say Christmas time or that kind of event (sorry best way I can explain it). I have changed my whole lifestyle about to make her happy and I mean in a big way. I am doing everything I can to please her and make her feel special. I asked my wife at the end of the time she gave what she was now thinking and she replied with, I think we are doing better so letÂ’s just keep going and see what happens.

Now I am happy with this but I just donÂ’t feel there is any kind of intimacy between us whatsoever, she never approaches me for a kiss or cuddle or tell me that she loves me I always have to be the one to approach her. She is still saying she doesnÂ’t feel ready for any kind of intimacy between us because she has no emotions. She wonÂ’t get changed in front of me which she has always done in the past. I cuddled her the other day and accidentally touched her boob and she swiftly moved me away.

I am bending over backwards to fix things and have promised this is how it will be from now on but she has made very little effort to repair whatÂ’s broken, I have now taken care of everything she had issues with to which she said she is happy with.

She does say she is happy now but I feel IÂ’m there as a friend and not her husband.

 

Sorry I know itÂ’s long but IÂ’m looking for an outsiders view on this.

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Give it time. She's not going to be receptive nor give affection within a few days, weeks or it could take months. You need patience. Also, have more in depth discussions about everything on your mind. Talk it out. Let her express her feelings and complaints, too.

 

Also, seek professional marriage counseling to sort things out.

 

She is healing and recovering. Take baby steps along the way. Don't expect instantaneous results just because you moved back home.

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I am more than happy to give it time and I’ve told her this. I’m in no hurry but I’m just not feeling like any effort is being made on her part.

I have mentioned professional help but it was not something she was interested in.

Also I’ve tried talking but it never goes well, I get limited answers then told to leave it be.

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I am more than happy to give it time and I’ve told her this. I’m in no hurry but I’m just not feeling like any effort is being made on her part.

I have mentioned professional help but it was not something she was interested in.

Also I’ve tried talking but it never goes well, I get limited answers then told to leave it be.

 

Then you need to stop this reconciliation process. You can't put your marriage back together single-handedly. If she is unwilling to meet you half-way, this will never work. Baby steps are important, yes, but it cannot be a one-sided journey.

 

What was the initial falling out about, which led to you leaving?

 

To address the pink elephant, are you sure she isn't seeing anyone else?

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Give it time. She's not going to be receptive nor give affection within a few days, weeks or it could take months. You need patience. Also, have more in depth discussions about everything on your mind. Talk it out. Let her express her feelings and complaints, too.

 

Also, seek professional marriage counseling to sort things out.

 

She is healing and recovering. Take baby steps along the way. Don't expect instantaneous results just because you moved back home.

 

What is she healing and recovering from?? That he is not?

 

Do you think she had an affair?

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The falling out was over something which I thought silly. It was that we had the house to ourselves for the night and we had plans to have some much needed intimacy time. For some reason my wife decided that this wasn’t going to happen and I won’t lie I was disappointed which lead to me being a bit angry as this was becoming a regular occurrence with my wife.

I genuinely don’t think she is seeing somebody else. She does spend way to much time on her phone reading stuff on the internet and I’m thinking she has been reading things that have been putting ideas in her head.

This has always been an issue also, the time she spends on her phone is crazy for a women her age, she is on her phone more than our teenage daughter is and she guards it heavily. She will not leave it laying around at any point, I’ve seen her panic when she forgot to lift it.

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The falling out was over something which I thought silly. It was that we had the house to ourselves for the night and we had plans to have some much needed intimacy time. For some reason my wife decided that this wasn’t going to happen and I won’t lie I was disappointed which lead to me being a bit angry as this was becoming a regular occurrence with my wife.

I genuinely don’t think she is seeing somebody else. She does spend way to much time on her phone reading stuff on the internet and I’m thinking she has been reading things that have been putting ideas in her head.

This has always been an issue also, the time she spends on her phone is crazy for a women her age, she is on her phone more than our teenage daughter is and she guards it heavily. She will not leave it laying around at any point, I’ve seen her panic when she forgot to lift it.

 

Certainly sounds like she at least dabbled with the thoughts of an affair and when the guy bailed on her she returned to you?

So no, prob not seeing anyone physically , but she has definitely checked out emotionally. Which is kind of worse.

You need to have a serious talk with her.

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Yes sorry to say I think she's had an affair/having an affair or met someone else and thinking about leaving.

 

She's certainly leaving you hanging anyway. Very cold of her.

 

She maybe confused or whatever but that doesn't justify her messing you around. You are hanging on and letting her call all the shots essentially dictating your life to you.

 

It takes 2 to make/break a relationship and she doesn't seem that interested in saving it so I would give her all the space in the world and accept that it's over and move on.

 

I imagine her hot and cold moods at the moment are due to how well things are going with other new males in her life but that's just my opinion.

 

Sorry this is happening to you.

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Well, your wife broke up with you because there was something missing and she fell out of love with you. You probably took her for granted in one of these four areas: trust, affection, respect, or romance.

 

And you were shocked that she fell out of love with you quite awhile ago and was faking it. This is typical, men often don't see the signs.

 

Often, when somebody falls out of love with their partner, the love never comes back, and you can't get happily back together. Reality is not like Hollywood movies.

 

She's probably grasping at straws, trying to get that loving feeling back - because she does not have a new man in her sights, she has nothing else.

 

You can try to work it out, but I doubt it's going to happen, sorry.

 

I would start dating other women even though you don't want to, it's good therapy. Also get involved with your life as a single guy. It will take some time for you to heal, but you will.

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I agree with the others that this sounds like behavior that follows a "failed" affair. I think you need to dig deep and ask yourself if any of this is worth it. It doesn't sound like she actually has any intention of trying to heal your marriage.

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Another vote here for exploring the possibility of an affair.

 

Also I’ll add that, assuming no affair is happening, it may be hard for your wife to re-develop feelings for you when your relationship consists mostly of you trying to butter her up and waiting for the prize of her affection in return. I mean, things seem like they’ve been pretty heavy for awhile. Emotional discussions, tears, leaving vs staying, trying or not trying. I’m sure that to her, it feels like everything you do comes with a price tag. For example, “he did all the dishes and took out the trash, I really should be nice to him for that.” or “he fixed issues X, Y, and Z so I need to feel good about him.”

 

What I’m trying to say is that you’re not creating a situation for her love to grow naturally, and that’s something that can’t be forced.

 

My suggestion? Date her. Actually plan a date, as if it’s your first one. A fun date, not an intimate one. No pressure of being expected to feel something that she may or may not feel, just a good time spent together. That is how you redevelop feelings, and it will naturally progress back into an intimate connection. Try to do something like this 1-2x a month, and see what happens. Remind her of how much fun life is with you.

 

Best of luck to you.

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I'm not sure it's an affair at all although I can see why there may be suspicions for something along those lines.

 

Towards the later half you described changing your lifestyle for her (what lifestyle?). Was this lifestyle destructive or did it include any addictions or hobbies that excluded her or made her feel unwelcome in the marriage? She also expressed very deep resentment and aversions to some of the things in the relationship related to you in particular and you weren't quite aware of how deeply resentful she was. I think these are all enough to cause someone to emotionally and physically pull away or become adverse to any physical touch.

 

There is also something in her behaviour that seems fearful of you. I think this fear can also be interpreted differently as disgust (I'm referring to the way she pulled away when you touched her). Without any other details, it's difficult to understand why her behaviour is the way it is.

 

I think both of you should figure out where you want to go from this, try couple's counselling if you have it available where you are and the idea of dating each other again seems hopeful. Work through those residual feelings of resentment, fear or anger towards each other. You should communicate more and be patient with each other. Feel free to vent here on the forum or include updates.

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It sounds like that, although that you are telling the tale here on the forums, your wife seems to be pulling the strings away but there seems to be something she is not revealing to you.

 

There sounds to be a mismatch in needs in the works, looking at what you wrote about the physical intimacy and then a relapse of separation.

 

Is there anything that she is not telling you? And, how are you handling it when you talk to her; are you listening to her actively and showing you are listening? How do the talks generally go and end?

 

There seems to be friendship going on, but too much "love" going on without the trust, security and communication by the sounds of it; maybe too much happening all at much and she is getting confused and swamped.

 

Would love to hear your thoughts on it please.

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Hi all not been on to read the replies due to busy few days.

I am 100% sure there is no affair going on as I couldn’t see how she possibly could have the time.

I have also never thought that I have taken her for granted in any aspect as I have always felt we both done as much for each other.

From what was mentioned above, yes I had hobbies as did my wife but both of them never involved the two of us being involved in each other’s. I have mentioned previously that I suggested couple therapy but she didn’t entertain it very well and felt we should just work at it ourselves to see what happens.

I try to talk as much as I can to her and yes I always listen fully to anything she has to say but our talks usually start with her saying “oh my not again” and can end any number of ways from me feeling once again in an insecure sense or or could end with my wife feeling that I’m annoying her.

I’m finding it hard to feel secure but she doesn’t seem interested that I feel this way. She said she is happy and feels like things are going well between us just now but I just feel she has a distance to her that is making me feel wobbly about how things really are with us.

It’s a hard thing to explain to those who are reading this but we were always very close and I always felt we were a team that stuck together but after all this has happened I’m constantly thinking the worst is going to happen.

When I mentioned I have changed my lifestyle I am referring to the fact I now do a lot more around the house with washing and general chores (I’m not saying I done nothing in the past here) I also ask her more how her day was, how is she feeling as she is unwell at the moment due to a long term intermittent issue she has. I also help her more with this and do what I can to make her feel better.

 

I just feel that she has no interest in how I’m doing or how I’m feeling, now I’m not putting out a guilt trip here it’s just that she used to ask if I was ok or how my day was, what was happening in work these kind of things but that has gone.

 

I also don’t want to seem like I’m picking on her or trying to put her down for acting this way I’m just finding it hard to understand why such a change in a small length of time, it’s like something has switched off.

 

I do feel she is still there with me in some respect but just not the way she used to be and the being close to her either in a hug or a kiss it just feels like she is acting like she is doing this to a friend or family member. I did ask her the other day does she feel any different about how she feels about us being more intimate in the future and she said she cant give me an answer when she doesn’t know herself.

 

I’m starting to really hate myself as I feel I have caused this to happen to her and I don’t know why she has drifted this far from me. I love her with all my heart and always have but I obviously went way wrong somewhere and I just don’t know where. It’s really starting to tear me apart and I can’t show or tell her this as anytime I do try and speak to her about this I end up upset which I have never done in the past only since this whole thing happened but she walks away and has no interest in trying to talk or help me understand.

 

I hope this has all came out right as I find it hard to explain through a keyboard it as I said I don’t blame my wife as I have obviously been in the wrong somewhere and it kills me to know I have possibly been responsible for the way she is because I have what I thought always done my best for us and the family and I do deeply love her and have never held any kind of resentment on her as I love everything about her. I just can’t even begin to imagine how I’m going to deal with this if things don’t work out and return to a normal marriage as I have never been in such a mess emotionally as I was when we had out falling and I moved out.

 

I would like to thank all that have taken time to read my problem.

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I personally think the phone hiding is because she has text or other social platform messaging service where she has been discussing me/our problems with others and she doesn’t want me to see. That was a big thing for me when we did split for the short period of time, I found out that within days she had informed a lot of people about what had happened which I personally found weird as I didn’t want to discuss my personal family situation with anybody really. She had told people that I was obviously close to also which made it hard and for a difficult situation when I met them.

Although they didn’t mention anything to me so I don’t know what was said by my wife I found out because my daughter had told me she had been speaking to people about the current situation at the time.

I may have been wrong to get upset about this but I felt we should have kept it between us for a bit till we seen ourselves what was actually happening.

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