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Thread: Those who have messaged an ex who wronged you, how did it go?

  1. #1
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    Those who have messaged an ex who wronged you, how did it go?

    Hello,

    It's been a while since I last posted. To summarize quickly all of my posts from a while ago, my ex broke up up with me 9 months ago so that she could pursue one of her coworkers. To my knowledge, they are still together as of today. At the time it really hit me hard because in my eyes at least, I thought we had a very good relationship and she seemingly left for no reason except because she wanted to be with someone else. We have been no contact ever since and I blocked her on all social media.

    While it was difficult in the beginning, I have since made a lot of progress in healing and moving on. However, just recently, thoughts of her have been going through my mind again. While I am no longer in love with her and accept that our relationship is over, I still find myself sad sometimes at the state of how things were left between us. From what I know, she remembers me very negatively and even "hates/hated" me, despite her being the one to leave me. Others have said that this might be because she felt guilty about her actions and had to turn me into the bad guy so that she could move on.

    I find myself wanting to reach out, one last time, to hopefully bury the hatchet and say any last things I wanted to say, and best case scenario end up on respectful terms. I have wanted to do this a few times over the last 9 months but held off every time because others warned me it was not a good idea. While objectively I agreed with them, the urge kept coming back and made me feel that it must mean something and maybe I just need to follow my gut.

    I know that most of you will say that this is a bad idea, that she has moved on and I should continue doing so as well, that she's the one who wronged me and I need to have more self-respect for myself or that it won't mean anything after all this time, and I know all this already and might not even do it, but I'm interested in hearing from those who contacted their exes anyway knowing it was a bad idea. How did it go? Did it feel right after you did it? Did you achieve any sense of closure?

    Thanks in advance for all your responses.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I don't think it's a bad idea but it depends on whether the other person is aggressive or hostile. She seems a bit hostile and I'm not sure how healthy it is to reach out to someone like that. You have to be the judge of it. If you need the answers so desperately, it may do you good to get it out of your system. Just don't depend on the universe for kindness or the kind of response that you may be looking for. She owes you nothing and vice versa.

    Is it the leaving you that you are having difficulty with? Ie. you don't know what went wrong in the relationship to cause her to do that? Or you don't understand her in general or ? What are your actual questions about in the first place?

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    How are you going to feel if she ignores you, or says something nasty? I don't see anything good coming from this.

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    I think deep deep down - you are hoping for her to respond in some way that fulfills some fantasy of yours. Either saying something nice, or wanting to get back together, etc.

    It won't happen dude.

    You will 100% absolutely hate yourself for being weak and reaching out.

    It would be different if you had healed, moved on, and just wanted to apologize for being a jerk to her or something...but she dumped you....not the other way around.

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    First thing, you need to start getting honest with yourself. You say you no longer love her and have made progress in healing and moving on, which is fabulous if true, but it it were true, there would be no need for you to message her seeking closure or whatever it is you're seeking.

    I am also curious what you would say to her, I mean she ended it because she started dating her co-worker, whom she is still with, what else could she possibly say?

    If she did gaslight you like you suspect, out of guilt, I would not expect her to admit that, she might not even acknowledge it herself, if in fact it is true.

    It's been 9 months, she's in another serious relationship, again not sure what you're hoping to accomplish by attempting to open that door.

    And like Holly asked, how will you feel if she ignores you? Which might very well happen. Will her ignoring you bring you a sense of closure? Knowing that she absolutely does not care at all anymore?

    I'm a bit confused what your true motivations are tbh, because to me, they don't really make much sense.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    My story isn't the same as yours but I've reached out to those who've had an understanding that our relationship was over. I too wanted "closure" of some sort, talk it out, write it out and have mutual, respectful understanding of how the relationship went awry and end it amicably to no avail.

    You want to bury the hatchet by reaching out one more, last time? The problem is, the hatchet will be thrown back at you and you will be beheaded. Therefore, be prepared for nasty backlash which is inevitable. Never make yourself vulnerable to attack. Never anger a person even further otherwise you'll be on the receiving end of harshest responses ever. They'll really let you have it, perhaps gaslight you to smithereens and then you will wish you'd never had this dumb idea in the first place.

    Many relationships end in estrangement for a reason. It wasn't meant to be and it didn't work out. Personalities and characters are completely different. If both parties do not see eye-to-eye on issues nor on the same wave length, it's an effort in futility not to mention an ugly reaction you didn't see coming.

    You have to learn to let sleeping dogs lie so to speak. Quit stirring the pot. Learn to quit, walk away from the soured relationship and move on. Get a fresh start, surround yourself with intelligent, very decent human beings and make your atmosphere and associations feel safe, secure and predictable.

    You need to make changes in your life instead of dredging up old dirt and baggage. Start anew. The way to do that is to start with a clean slate without people who've caused your angst in the first place.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    My story isn't the same as yours but I've reached out to those who've had an understanding that our relationship was over. I too wanted "closure" of some sort, talk it out, write it out and have mutual, respectful understanding of how the relationship went awry and end it amicably to no avail.

    You want to bury the hatchet by reaching out one more, last time? The problem is, the hatchet will be thrown back at you and you will be beheaded. Therefore, be prepared for nasty backlash which is inevitable. Never make yourself vulnerable to attack. Never anger a person even further otherwise you'll be on the receiving end of harshest responses ever. They'll really let you have it, perhaps gaslight you to smithereens and then you will wish you'd never had this dumb idea in the first place.

    Many relationships end in estrangement for a reason. It wasn't meant to be and it didn't work out. Personalities and characters are completely different. If both parties do not see eye-to-eye on issues nor on the same wave length, it's an effort in futility not to mention an ugly reaction you didn't see coming.

    You have to learn to let sleeping dogs lie so to speak. Quit stirring the pot. Learn to quit, walk away from the soured relationship and move on. Get a fresh start, surround yourself with intelligent, very decent human beings and make your atmosphere and associations feel safe, secure and predictable.

    You need to make changes in your life instead of dredging up old dirt and baggage. Start anew. The way to do that is to start with a clean slate without people who've caused your angst in the first place.
    Wise words.

    Loved this: "the hatchet will be thrown back at you and you will be beheaded."


    OP, you are clearly not over her. By reaching out, you will show her that you do not respect yourself and still hold a torch for her. it is time to move on!

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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Is it the leaving you that you are having difficulty with? Ie. you don't know what went wrong in the relationship to cause her to do that? Or you don't understand her in general or ? What are your actual questions about in the first place?
    Thanks for your reply. At this point, I don't necessarily have any questions for her. I believe I have a good understanding of why she did what she did and know that her actions do not diminish my worth as a person. I believe I was a good boyfriend and did what I could to make our relationship work. And even if I didn't understand her, I know that the only person I can hope to understand or change is myself.

    More so, my intention of wanting to do this is hoping that we can forgive one another and part ways for good on respectful terms. Though our relationship is over, it bothers me that someone who I cared so deeply, hates me. I want to let her know that I have forgiven her for everything, apologize for anything I might have done, and wish her all the best. I hope that by doing this, letting go of all my negative feelings and forgiving her, that it might also strike something in her as well. But like I just said, I have no control over what she thinks or does so I might just be wasting my time.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    My story isn't the same as yours but I've reached out to those who've had an understanding that our relationship was over. I too wanted "closure" of some sort, talk it out, write it out and have mutual, respectful understanding of how the relationship went awry and end it amicably to no avail.

    You want to bury the hatchet by reaching out one more, last time? The problem is, the hatchet will be thrown back at you and you will be beheaded. Therefore, be prepared for nasty backlash which is inevitable. Never make yourself vulnerable to attack. Never anger a person even further otherwise you'll be on the receiving end of harshest responses ever. They'll really let you have it, perhaps gaslight you to smithereens and then you will wish you'd never had this dumb idea in the first place.

    Many relationships end in estrangement for a reason. It wasn't meant to be and it didn't work out. Personalities and characters are completely different. If both parties do not see eye-to-eye on issues nor on the same wave length, it's an effort in futility not to mention an ugly reaction you didn't see coming.

    You have to learn to let sleeping dogs lie so to speak. Quit stirring the pot. Learn to quit, walk away from the soured relationship and move on. Get a fresh start, surround yourself with intelligent, very decent human beings and make your atmosphere and associations feel safe, secure and predictable.

    You need to make changes in your life instead of dredging up old dirt and baggage. Start anew. The way to do that is to start with a clean slate without people who've caused your angst in the first place.
    Thanks for your response. You worded it really well. I believe that you're absolutely right. There's more to be lost by reopening up the wound and I need to start forming new healthy relationships with others instead of trying to get "closure" or mend broken ones.

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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Wise words.

    Loved this: "the hatchet will be thrown back at you and you will be beheaded."


    OP, you are clearly not over her. By reaching out, you will show her that you do not respect yourself and still hold a torch for her. it is time to move on!
    Being honest with myself, you're probably right. I'm not completely over her. And that is why i'm even toying with this idea in the first place. But you and the others have made it clear to stay strong and to keep moving on.

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