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Those who have messaged an ex who wronged you, how did it go?


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Hello,

 

It's been a while since I last posted. To summarize quickly all of my posts from a while ago, my ex broke up up with me 9 months ago so that she could pursue one of her coworkers. To my knowledge, they are still together as of today. At the time it really hit me hard because in my eyes at least, I thought we had a very good relationship and she seemingly left for no reason except because she wanted to be with someone else. We have been no contact ever since and I blocked her on all social media.

 

While it was difficult in the beginning, I have since made a lot of progress in healing and moving on. However, just recently, thoughts of her have been going through my mind again. While I am no longer in love with her and accept that our relationship is over, I still find myself sad sometimes at the state of how things were left between us. From what I know, she remembers me very negatively and even "hates/hated" me, despite her being the one to leave me. Others have said that this might be because she felt guilty about her actions and had to turn me into the bad guy so that she could move on.

 

I find myself wanting to reach out, one last time, to hopefully bury the hatchet and say any last things I wanted to say, and best case scenario end up on respectful terms. I have wanted to do this a few times over the last 9 months but held off every time because others warned me it was not a good idea. While objectively I agreed with them, the urge kept coming back and made me feel that it must mean something and maybe I just need to follow my gut.

 

I know that most of you will say that this is a bad idea, that she has moved on and I should continue doing so as well, that she's the one who wronged me and I need to have more self-respect for myself or that it won't mean anything after all this time, and I know all this already and might not even do it, but I'm interested in hearing from those who contacted their exes anyway knowing it was a bad idea. How did it go? Did it feel right after you did it? Did you achieve any sense of closure?

 

Thanks in advance for all your responses.

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I don't think it's a bad idea but it depends on whether the other person is aggressive or hostile. She seems a bit hostile and I'm not sure how healthy it is to reach out to someone like that. You have to be the judge of it. If you need the answers so desperately, it may do you good to get it out of your system. Just don't depend on the universe for kindness or the kind of response that you may be looking for. She owes you nothing and vice versa.

 

Is it the leaving you that you are having difficulty with? Ie. you don't know what went wrong in the relationship to cause her to do that? Or you don't understand her in general or ? What are your actual questions about in the first place?

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I think deep deep down - you are hoping for her to respond in some way that fulfills some fantasy of yours. Either saying something nice, or wanting to get back together, etc.

 

It won't happen dude.

 

You will 100% absolutely hate yourself for being weak and reaching out.

 

It would be different if you had healed, moved on, and just wanted to apologize for being a jerk to her or something...but she dumped you....not the other way around.

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First thing, you need to start getting honest with yourself. You say you no longer love her and have made progress in healing and moving on, which is fabulous if true, but it it were true, there would be no need for you to message her seeking closure or whatever it is you're seeking.

 

I am also curious what you would say to her, I mean she ended it because she started dating her co-worker, whom she is still with, what else could she possibly say?

 

If she did gaslight you like you suspect, out of guilt, I would not expect her to admit that, she might not even acknowledge it herself, if in fact it is true.

 

It's been 9 months, she's in another serious relationship, again not sure what you're hoping to accomplish by attempting to open that door.

 

And like Holly asked, how will you feel if she ignores you? Which might very well happen. Will her ignoring you bring you a sense of closure? Knowing that she absolutely does not care at all anymore?

 

I'm a bit confused what your true motivations are tbh, because to me, they don't really make much sense.

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My story isn't the same as yours but I've reached out to those who've had an understanding that our relationship was over. I too wanted "closure" of some sort, talk it out, write it out and have mutual, respectful understanding of how the relationship went awry and end it amicably to no avail.

 

You want to bury the hatchet by reaching out one more, last time? The problem is, the hatchet will be thrown back at you and you will be beheaded. Therefore, be prepared for nasty backlash which is inevitable. Never make yourself vulnerable to attack. Never anger a person even further otherwise you'll be on the receiving end of harshest responses ever. They'll really let you have it, perhaps gaslight you to smithereens and then you will wish you'd never had this dumb idea in the first place.

 

Many relationships end in estrangement for a reason. It wasn't meant to be and it didn't work out. Personalities and characters are completely different. If both parties do not see eye-to-eye on issues nor on the same wave length, it's an effort in futility not to mention an ugly reaction you didn't see coming.

 

You have to learn to let sleeping dogs lie so to speak. Quit stirring the pot. Learn to quit, walk away from the soured relationship and move on. Get a fresh start, surround yourself with intelligent, very decent human beings and make your atmosphere and associations feel safe, secure and predictable.

 

You need to make changes in your life instead of dredging up old dirt and baggage. Start anew. The way to do that is to start with a clean slate without people who've caused your angst in the first place.

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My story isn't the same as yours but I've reached out to those who've had an understanding that our relationship was over. I too wanted "closure" of some sort, talk it out, write it out and have mutual, respectful understanding of how the relationship went awry and end it amicably to no avail.

 

You want to bury the hatchet by reaching out one more, last time? The problem is, the hatchet will be thrown back at you and you will be beheaded. Therefore, be prepared for nasty backlash which is inevitable. Never make yourself vulnerable to attack. Never anger a person even further otherwise you'll be on the receiving end of harshest responses ever. They'll really let you have it, perhaps gaslight you to smithereens and then you will wish you'd never had this dumb idea in the first place.

 

Many relationships end in estrangement for a reason. It wasn't meant to be and it didn't work out. Personalities and characters are completely different. If both parties do not see eye-to-eye on issues nor on the same wave length, it's an effort in futility not to mention an ugly reaction you didn't see coming.

 

You have to learn to let sleeping dogs lie so to speak. Quit stirring the pot. Learn to quit, walk away from the soured relationship and move on. Get a fresh start, surround yourself with intelligent, very decent human beings and make your atmosphere and associations feel safe, secure and predictable.

 

You need to make changes in your life instead of dredging up old dirt and baggage. Start anew. The way to do that is to start with a clean slate without people who've caused your angst in the first place.

 

Wise words.

 

Loved this: "the hatchet will be thrown back at you and you will be beheaded."

 

OP, you are clearly not over her. By reaching out, you will show her that you do not respect yourself and still hold a torch for her. it is time to move on!

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Is it the leaving you that you are having difficulty with? Ie. you don't know what went wrong in the relationship to cause her to do that? Or you don't understand her in general or ? What are your actual questions about in the first place?

 

Thanks for your reply. At this point, I don't necessarily have any questions for her. I believe I have a good understanding of why she did what she did and know that her actions do not diminish my worth as a person. I believe I was a good boyfriend and did what I could to make our relationship work. And even if I didn't understand her, I know that the only person I can hope to understand or change is myself.

 

More so, my intention of wanting to do this is hoping that we can forgive one another and part ways for good on respectful terms. Though our relationship is over, it bothers me that someone who I cared so deeply, hates me. I want to let her know that I have forgiven her for everything, apologize for anything I might have done, and wish her all the best. I hope that by doing this, letting go of all my negative feelings and forgiving her, that it might also strike something in her as well. But like I just said, I have no control over what she thinks or does so I might just be wasting my time.

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My story isn't the same as yours but I've reached out to those who've had an understanding that our relationship was over. I too wanted "closure" of some sort, talk it out, write it out and have mutual, respectful understanding of how the relationship went awry and end it amicably to no avail.

 

You want to bury the hatchet by reaching out one more, last time? The problem is, the hatchet will be thrown back at you and you will be beheaded. Therefore, be prepared for nasty backlash which is inevitable. Never make yourself vulnerable to attack. Never anger a person even further otherwise you'll be on the receiving end of harshest responses ever. They'll really let you have it, perhaps gaslight you to smithereens and then you will wish you'd never had this dumb idea in the first place.

 

Many relationships end in estrangement for a reason. It wasn't meant to be and it didn't work out. Personalities and characters are completely different. If both parties do not see eye-to-eye on issues nor on the same wave length, it's an effort in futility not to mention an ugly reaction you didn't see coming.

 

You have to learn to let sleeping dogs lie so to speak. Quit stirring the pot. Learn to quit, walk away from the soured relationship and move on. Get a fresh start, surround yourself with intelligent, very decent human beings and make your atmosphere and associations feel safe, secure and predictable.

 

You need to make changes in your life instead of dredging up old dirt and baggage. Start anew. The way to do that is to start with a clean slate without people who've caused your angst in the first place.

 

Thanks for your response. You worded it really well. I believe that you're absolutely right. There's more to be lost by reopening up the wound and I need to start forming new healthy relationships with others instead of trying to get "closure" or mend broken ones.

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Wise words.

 

Loved this: "the hatchet will be thrown back at you and you will be beheaded."

 

OP, you are clearly not over her. By reaching out, you will show her that you do not respect yourself and still hold a torch for her. it is time to move on!

 

Being honest with myself, you're probably right. I'm not completely over her. And that is why i'm even toying with this idea in the first place. But you and the others have made it clear to stay strong and to keep moving on.

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Your closure lies in the fact that she dumped you for someone else. This in itself says much more about her than it does you, therefore you have the choice to move on and keep your dignity, or allow her to continue to rent space in your head.

 

I'd strive to be the bigger person, keep your head held high and move on to live a happy life. You'll still land on your feet.

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Tell your friends you no longer want to hear about her any longer so that you can have closure.

 

Most people who receive such notes think of them as pathetic, and an unwelcome intrusion on their lives. Even though she was the one who left, she's with someone, and it's unethical for you to reach out to her, as a recent ex, when she's taken.

 

It's irrelevant what she thinks of you because she's no longer in your life. I'm glad you're seeing the light, saying you'll move ahead without constantly checking the rearview mirror. Good luck.

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While it's of course preferable to end things on respectful terms it's important to know that that's not how one buries the hatchet. I've had four longterm relationships in my 39 years of life, two ending in an almost movie version of respect and understanding, two ending in, well, a movie version of drama. Honestly, at the end of the day they're all kind of the same: a hatchet to the heart that gets buried over time, not by "one last" exchange that cues the credits.

 

But, hey, you asked for some stories so I'll share something that might be relevant.

 

My most recent ex and I? Ooof. Nasty end. Details are irrelevant at this point, but suffice to say she didn't behave very well toward the end and I got plenty of that "I hate you" energy—not just in the tailspin at the end, but in odd little texts after the breakup. I ended it, because I just don't deal with bs long, and cut contact from day one. But I wrestled with it all for months—first the hurt and loss, later the frustration you're experiencing, of just not being able to hit one note of respect together. It was in those spins that I discovered this special little haven of the interwebs, like many here.

 

But I knew—the way you now know, and also because I'd been to a lot of rodeos—that there was no point. So I did my thing, felt, flailed, posted here once or twice, moved forward, and eventually, as always happens, I was on the other side. Stopped caring how we left things because it was over, processed, metabolized. I'm all about forgiveness and good vibes, and so when I thought of her—and when I think of her, like writing this post—I've got only good vibes. Was what it was, past is past, lots of fun, plenty of weirdness, good lessons, blah blah. I hope she's out there living a great life, fully of joy, truly.

 

Anyhow, my cat died a few months ago and she emailed me. Standard cordial condolences, standard thank you in response. She then kind of tired to get into things—it's been two years—with what was basically the same clumsy mix of sweet and sour I've long moved on from. I cut it off, very gently, just saying that all that matters is that we're both doing well and that I hope she is. She said thanks, she was, and that was that.

 

Want to know how that felt? Irrelevant. Not bad, not good, just...whatever. Like, I've spent more time thinking about it writing this post for you than I did in my life out there in the 3D world. And why? Because the hatchet got buried, on my own, as you're still burying yours. It takes time. That's okay. Forward steps, not backward.

 

Reaching out to her is a backward step, no matter what story you tell. If you're meant to be friends—I've got some exes who I'm friendly with, including one of those nuclear breakups—it'll happen. If you're meant to have this exchange, it'll happen. It just will, in time. Real time, when the chess game is totally done. Right now you're still playing chess, and that's okay. Takes a while to let go, and takes a few rodeos to really learn the importance of it. Maybe this is yours.

 

Find the respect and forgiveness you're seeking inside of you—for her, for you, for what you shared, good and bad—and lean into that. It's real, even if you don't get to share it. You don't need her validation anymore for anything to be real.

 

You're close. It's sweet. Keep getting closer.

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As bluecastle suggests, burying the hatchet doesn't need to include reaching out and talking about it.

 

All that's likely to do is re-open the wound as she confirms that yes, she has moved on and is happy with someone else, and sure, you two are fine. This is going to hurt more than it helps you, OP.

 

Don't do it.

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I don’t know why people think that closure is something that happens down the line and eventually an amicable chat?

 

Closure is when you become comfortable with your self to become indifferent to the other person.

You are not there yet! You still care what she thinks but you shouldn’t!

 

If you truly did something wrong by her and wanted to apologise. Then fine. But never expect a reply.

 

But since you claim to have done nothing wrong by her then there is no justified reason to contact her?

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What would help you move on more is not ruminating and sending bitter letters, but focusing on a self improvement program. Get more involved in life. Take some courses and classes. Get in shape, eat better, exercise more. Join some clubs and groups. Develop more of your own interests. Get a good profile and pics up on some quality dating apps and start talking to an meeting women. The more you ruminate and carry this chip on your shoulder the less you'll move on. If you are stuck in an angry ruminating short circuit like this, some short term therapy could help sort things out. Stay no contact including sending creepy, stalker letters.

I find myself wanting to reach out, one last time, to hopefully bury the hatchet and say any last things I wanted to say, and best case scenario end up on respectful terms. I have wanted to do this a few times over the last 9 months but held off every time because others warned me it was not a good idea. While objectively I agreed with them, the urge kept coming back and made me feel that it must mean something and maybe I just need to follow my gut.

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It doesn't go well, and you'll regret doing it. I have been the recipient of such a letter, and it didn't go well. I've done both -- don't bother, please don't. If you really, really want to write the letter, write it. Don't send it. Don't stamp it. Don't put anyone in the "to" box...just write it out, print it, and put it in a drawer. Get it out of your system and do this for yourself.

 

You have some subconscious, underlying idea that she's going to read it and apologize and come running back to you...this won't happen. You'll make her mad, you'll be annoying, needy, and cause issues in her relationship. Like it or not, she made her choices...leave her be.

 

The closure that you seek is really only for you, and within you. You won't get the movie version of closure. You won't get this sealed little box out of whatever you're trying to do, so you can move on with life. Write the letter for you...do not send. Work on healing yourself. You're going through a normal bump in the grieving process...when all that crap resurfaces. Don't let it consume you, but be okay with feeling the feels...this too shall pass.

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The only thing that will happen if you open contact, is open old wounds. Then you get to start the healing process all over again, from day one. Is that what you want?

 

The only closure is time. Get involved with your life and a new woman and you'll be a lot happier.

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>>More so, my intention of wanting to do this is hoping that we can forgive one another and part ways for good on respectful terms. Though our relationship is over, it bothers me that someone who I cared so deeply, hates me.

Ask yourself why her opinion of you is so important to you.

 

I mean, you know you were a good boyfriend, treated her well; a healthy mind frame from someone w high self-esteem would be not giving a rat's **** what she or anyone thinks.

 

Stop living for others and caring what they think of you. Seriously, who cares?

 

Live for yourself, behave w honesty and integrity, be the best you can be, and if others don't like it, screw em.

 

Especially an ex gf who dumped you for another guy!

 

You're more likely to earn the respect of others with that mind frame (including your ex) versus caring what they think and twisting yourself into a pretzel attempting to please, and getting them to "like" you, such as texting your ex again would clearly indicate.

 

You'd be reducing yourself by doing that, in her eyes and your own eyes, ultimately.

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Thanks for your reply. At this point, I don't necessarily have any questions for her. I believe I have a good understanding of why she did what she did and know that her actions do not diminish my worth as a person. I believe I was a good boyfriend and did what I could to make our relationship work. And even if I didn't understand her, I know that the only person I can hope to understand or change is myself.

 

More so, my intention of wanting to do this is hoping that we can forgive one another and part ways for good on respectful terms. Though our relationship is over, it bothers me that someone who I cared so deeply, hates me. I want to let her know that I have forgiven her for everything, apologize for anything I might have done, and wish her all the best. I hope that by doing this, letting go of all my negative feelings and forgiving her, that it might also strike something in her as well. But like I just said, I have no control over what she thinks or does so I might just be wasting my time.

 

Thank you for being frank and honest in your responses. The bold portion above seems like the crux (to me) of why you're reaching out. The thing is you cannot change the way anyone feels. Attempting to do so is really a type of emotional suicide. It's not on you to alter the beliefs or the emotions of anyone especially someone who is not interested in having anything to do with you and has expressed resentment and hatred towards you. Discussions are fine - aggression, resentment and hatred are traits you shouldn't associate with. I don't think anyone should. In life, you're going to have to recognize that you cannot always be a people pleaser or have everyone love you. You're entitled to your beliefs and opinions and you should be comfortable with the fact that there will be people who don't like you or disagree with you.

 

If you're not comfortable dealing with this on your own, I'd speak to a therapist or counsellor about figuring out why you're so much at odds disagreeing with others or being disliked. It is very normal to have misgivings and resentment left behind in a previous relationship. It takes time for people to grow past that and not everyone will grow at the same speed as you. Not everyone will have the same thoughts as you or the same openness or willingness to admit wrongs or see from different perspectives. You owe it to yourself to move forwards and leave this baggage behind.

 

Speak to someone about your difficulties letting go if you feel you need to and learn not to take differing approaches to heart. You should also feel confident in yourself and understand truly exactly what you said: her actions do not diminish you as a person. Really ruminate on that and feel it, act it, live it and embody it.

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I messaged my ex 2 weeks after the break up! I apologized for yelling and hanging up and I asked to meet in person like she originally wanted. Of course deep down I wanted her to look at me and change her mind but she did didn’t. Across the table I saw someone who was confident with their decision and who was happy “relieved” to be moving on. So I gave her the gift of letting her go! It hurt like hell but I knew deep down it was the right thing to do! I did not want to hold on to someone that didn’t want me back! However, everyone here was right! All she did was justify why she broke up with me! I think it made her feel better about leaving me! She even compared me to the guy she liked now and gave me some low blows! I haven’t reached out after that! If I could go back I probably wouldn’t have contacted her at all! All it does is feed their ego!

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I have started to realize that! I no longer need to care what she thinks or what she is doing! We are no longer together! Our worlds are back to what they were before we met!! They’ll never realize they ed up if we keep bombarding them! Let them go!

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