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Thread: Those who have messaged an ex who wronged you, how did it go?

  1. #11
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    Your closure lies in the fact that she dumped you for someone else. This in itself says much more about her than it does you, therefore you have the choice to move on and keep your dignity, or allow her to continue to rent space in your head.

    I'd strive to be the bigger person, keep your head held high and move on to live a happy life. You'll still land on your feet.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Tell your friends you no longer want to hear about her any longer so that you can have closure.

    Most people who receive such notes think of them as pathetic, and an unwelcome intrusion on their lives. Even though she was the one who left, she's with someone, and it's unethical for you to reach out to her, as a recent ex, when she's taken.

    It's irrelevant what she thinks of you because she's no longer in your life. I'm glad you're seeing the light, saying you'll move ahead without constantly checking the rearview mirror. Good luck.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    While it's of course preferable to end things on respectful terms it's important to know that that's not how one buries the hatchet. I've had four longterm relationships in my 39 years of life, two ending in an almost movie version of respect and understanding, two ending in, well, a movie version of drama. Honestly, at the end of the day they're all kind of the same: a hatchet to the heart that gets buried over time, not by "one last" exchange that cues the credits.

    But, hey, you asked for some stories so I'll share something that might be relevant.

    My most recent ex and I? Ooof. Nasty end. Details are irrelevant at this point, but suffice to say she didn't behave very well toward the end and I got plenty of that "I hate you" energy—not just in the tailspin at the end, but in odd little texts after the breakup. I ended it, because I just don't deal with bs long, and cut contact from day one. But I wrestled with it all for months—first the hurt and loss, later the frustration you're experiencing, of just not being able to hit one note of respect together. It was in those spins that I discovered this special little haven of the interwebs, like many here.

    But I knew—the way you now know, and also because I'd been to a lot of rodeos—that there was no point. So I did my thing, felt, flailed, posted here once or twice, moved forward, and eventually, as always happens, I was on the other side. Stopped caring how we left things because it was over, processed, metabolized. I'm all about forgiveness and good vibes, and so when I thought of her—and when I think of her, like writing this post—I've got only good vibes. Was what it was, past is past, lots of fun, plenty of weirdness, good lessons, blah blah. I hope she's out there living a great life, fully of joy, truly.

    Anyhow, my cat died a few months ago and she emailed me. Standard cordial condolences, standard thank you in response. She then kind of tired to get into things—it's been two years—with what was basically the same clumsy mix of sweet and sour I've long moved on from. I cut it off, very gently, just saying that all that matters is that we're both doing well and that I hope she is. She said thanks, she was, and that was that.

    Want to know how that felt? Irrelevant. Not bad, not good, just...whatever. Like, I've spent more time thinking about it writing this post for you than I did in my life out there in the 3D world. And why? Because the hatchet got buried, on my own, as you're still burying yours. It takes time. That's okay. Forward steps, not backward.

    Reaching out to her is a backward step, no matter what story you tell. If you're meant to be friends—I've got some exes who I'm friendly with, including one of those nuclear breakups—it'll happen. If you're meant to have this exchange, it'll happen. It just will, in time. Real time, when the chess game is totally done. Right now you're still playing chess, and that's okay. Takes a while to let go, and takes a few rodeos to really learn the importance of it. Maybe this is yours.

    Find the respect and forgiveness you're seeking inside of you—for her, for you, for what you shared, good and bad—and lean into that. It's real, even if you don't get to share it. You don't need her validation anymore for anything to be real.

    You're close. It's sweet. Keep getting closer.

  4. #14
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    As bluecastle suggests, burying the hatchet doesn't need to include reaching out and talking about it.

    All that's likely to do is re-open the wound as she confirms that yes, she has moved on and is happy with someone else, and sure, you two are fine. This is going to hurt more than it helps you, OP.

    Don't do it.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Thanks Hollyj. You and others are helpful and wise which is appreciated.

  7. #16
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    I don’t know why people think that closure is something that happens down the line and eventually an amicable chat?

    Closure is when you become comfortable with your self to become indifferent to the other person.
    You are not there yet! You still care what she thinks but you shouldn’t!

    If you truly did something wrong by her and wanted to apologise. Then fine. But never expect a reply.

    But since you claim to have done nothing wrong by her then there is no justified reason to contact her?

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    What would help you move on more is not ruminating and sending bitter letters, but focusing on a self improvement program. Get more involved in life. Take some courses and classes. Get in shape, eat better, exercise more. Join some clubs and groups. Develop more of your own interests. Get a good profile and pics up on some quality dating apps and start talking to an meeting women. The more you ruminate and carry this chip on your shoulder the less you'll move on. If you are stuck in an angry ruminating short circuit like this, some short term therapy could help sort things out. Stay no contact including sending creepy, stalker letters.
    Originally Posted by Manonajourney
    I find myself wanting to reach out, one last time, to hopefully bury the hatchet and say any last things I wanted to say, and best case scenario end up on respectful terms. I have wanted to do this a few times over the last 9 months but held off every time because others warned me it was not a good idea. While objectively I agreed with them, the urge kept coming back and made me feel that it must mean something and maybe I just need to follow my gut.

  9. #18
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    It doesn't go well, and you'll regret doing it. I have been the recipient of such a letter, and it didn't go well. I've done both -- don't bother, please don't. If you really, really want to write the letter, write it. Don't send it. Don't stamp it. Don't put anyone in the "to" box...just write it out, print it, and put it in a drawer. Get it out of your system and do this for yourself.

    You have some subconscious, underlying idea that she's going to read it and apologize and come running back to you...this won't happen. You'll make her mad, you'll be annoying, needy, and cause issues in her relationship. Like it or not, she made her choices...leave her be.

    The closure that you seek is really only for you, and within you. You won't get the movie version of closure. You won't get this sealed little box out of whatever you're trying to do, so you can move on with life. Write the letter for you...do not send. Work on healing yourself. You're going through a normal bump in the grieving process...when all that crap resurfaces. Don't let it consume you, but be okay with feeling the feels...this too shall pass.

  10. #19
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    The only thing that will happen if you open contact, is open old wounds. Then you get to start the healing process all over again, from day one. Is that what you want?

    The only closure is time. Get involved with your life and a new woman and you'll be a lot happier.

  11. #20
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    >>More so, my intention of wanting to do this is hoping that we can forgive one another and part ways for good on respectful terms. Though our relationship is over, it bothers me that someone who I cared so deeply, hates me.

    Ask yourself why her opinion of you is so important to you.

    I mean, you know you were a good boyfriend, treated her well; a healthy mind frame from someone w high self-esteem would be not giving a rat's **** what she or anyone thinks.

    Stop living for others and caring what they think of you. Seriously, who cares?

    Live for yourself, behave w honesty and integrity, be the best you can be, and if others don't like it, screw em.

    Especially an ex gf who dumped you for another guy!

    You're more likely to earn the respect of others with that mind frame (including your ex) versus caring what they think and twisting yourself into a pretzel attempting to please, and getting them to "like" you, such as texting your ex again would clearly indicate.

    You'd be reducing yourself by doing that, in her eyes and your own eyes, ultimately.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 06-04-2019 at 10:19 AM.

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