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Thread: Am I in the wrong?

  1. #1

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    Am I in the wrong?

    I need help regarding my relationship. I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years. It has been a very turbulent relationship. In the past he has made me feel very insecure and vulnerable so I decided to talk to other guys as I felt my confidence was so low, Iím not justifying it but I found that he would look at women and almost enjoy my discomfort . He found out, I explained the reasons and we moved on. Since then I feel like I am constantly trying to prove myself to him. Whenever I ask about marriage or moving in he always throws what I have done back in my face and tells me thatís the reason why. He has his own place and never once have I nagged him to move in even though he says he wants me to and then changes his mind because he does that a lot. My mother passed in December and I was in a great deal of pain and grief. Out relationship was still very turbulent. I became pregant and because I felt no security or that our relationship was happy so I decided to have an abortion. I didnít tell him and now he has found out and again told me that he thinks I am a mess and Iím wrong for doing what I did. I feel l canít win and I feel so misunderstood. I know I have made bad decisions in the past but I feel itís always been a reaction to how he has treated me. This has made me really depressed on top of dealing with the grief of my mothers passing. I would appreciate any advice given. Thank you

  2. #2
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Alex1984
    I need help regarding my relationship. I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years. It has been a very turbulent relationship. In the past he has made me feel very insecure and vulnerable so I decided to talk to other guys as I felt my confidence was so low, Iím not justifying it but I found that he would look at women and almost enjoy my discomfort . He found out, I explained the reasons and we moved on. Since then I feel like I am constantly trying to prove myself to him. Whenever I ask about marriage or moving in he always throws what I have done back in my face and tells me thatís the reason why. He has his own place and never once have I nagged him to move in even though he says he wants me to and then changes his mind because he does that a lot. My mother passed in December and I was in a great deal of pain and grief. Out relationship was still very turbulent. I became pregant and because I felt no security or that our relationship was happy so I decided to have an abortion. I didnít tell him and now he has found out and again told me that he thinks I am a mess and Iím wrong for doing what I did. I feel l canít win and I feel so misunderstood. I know I have made bad decisions in the past but I feel itís always been a reaction to how he has treated me. This has made me really depressed on top of dealing with the grief of my mothers passing. I would appreciate any advice given. Thank you
    I am sorry to hear about your mom that would be hard :(

    It does seem like a messy relationship OP, that doesnít mean you are at fault, however you contribute to it by blaming your behaviour and your actions on how he treats you.

    Take responsibility for your life and your choices... and consider getting some help dealing with your grief and your approach to relationships.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Most relationships don't survive infidelity or distrust of any kind for long. You both haven't learned that and respected each other enough to walk away from this relationship. There is no trust here and building any kind of relationship is next to impossible. Let him go and heal from the abortion and your mum's passing. I'm sorry for both of these. You need to heal. Sending you lots of healing vibes and I hope you emerge from this brighter and more positive.

    You should always know that it's not on anyone to tell us what's right or wrong. You should know what's right or wrong for yourself and believe in yourself, your decisions, your future. Whatever mistakes you've made in your past, you need to reconcile with them and let go of your own mistakes. Make room for new experiences and new learning. If you can't let go of the pain, you won't find space for the joy. Move on.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry for the pain and confusion, and deeply sorry to hear about your mother.

    I wish I had some softer words to offer, but what you're describing is a textbook toxic relationship that has long run its course. Both of you, rather than holding yourselves accountable for your actions, blame the other.

    Instead of saying that the relationship you choose to be in is not providing the security you need, you say he "made" you feel insecure and vulnerable, leading you to act out in destructive ways. He does the same, blaming you for whatever his true feelings are about marriage, moving in. And around and around you go, and have gone, I suspect, for quite a while.

    That you didn't feel comfortable taking to your boyfriend about your pregnancyówell, that there is just an awful sign. He's not a random person you met on Tinder, but someone you've known for six years. If you can't trust that you two can have an honest talk about hard matters, what's the point of being together, you know?

    I think if you look at this with some clear eyes you'll see that you guys aren't really close, and haven't been for some time. Because of that you both semi-consciously try to rile the other up, so what in other relationships is expanding warmth between you guys is basically two people burning each other with a blowtorch. That turbulence: feels meaningful, but it's actually pretty shallow and preventing true depth.

    These sorts of dynamics don't fix themselves, and are generally a mark of two people who are better apart than together. So rather than blame his treatment on your bad decisions, maybe take a step back and acknowledge that you are choosing to be in a relationship that routinely leads you to make bad decisions. You can't really control how another person treats you, after all, but you have full control over who you choose to be with.

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  6. #5
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    I agree with bluecastle's assessment of your situation. Your relationship is very toxic. I'm the last one to offer any advice because I chose to stay in a toxic relationship. OK, so I was married for 29 years (recently divorced since January). It seems that he took so many opportunities to belittle me in front of my mother, my kids, friends and others. In my case, I chose to stay in this relationship because I took my vows seriously. You know, the "for better or for worse". This, I thought, was the "for worse" part. His verbal/emotional abuse and disrespect was noticed by quite a number of people throughout the years. It was downright embarrassing. Before meeting him, I was a very self-confident and independent person. But, slowly he wore me down. My self-confidence became less and less. I reached a point whereby I questioned myself wondering if I was truly not as self confident as I thought. Like you, I would try to prove myself, only to find myself being torn down, no matter what I did. I could have won the Nobel prize; it wouldn't have made a difference in his eyes.

    I suppose he tore me down to make himself feel better. I did realise this all along but, foolishly, I decided to hang in there. It got worse and worse. OP, don't let it get to that point. Don't do that to yourself. You deserve someone who treats you in a caring and loving way. Your bf does not. He has no respect for you either. Get yourself out of this ridiculous situation unless you are willing to put up with this awful treatment for the rest of your relationship. I won't get better, I promise you that. Get some self respect and walk away. Six years is a long time but why live like this??? You owe it to yourself to leave him.

    Lastly, I am deeply sorry about your mom. Please take good care of yourself. Sending you hugs.

  7. #6
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    It's a huge red flag that he keeps score with you or anyone for that matter. He holds onto grudges and uses them as his ammunition during arguments. That's a nasty tactic and strategy. He's not the one to forgive meaning, he doesn't move on. Instead, he stews and in a sinister way, tucks every wrong into his back pocket only to use it later in order to win fights. Also, those types are masters at winning arguments because they gaslight which is the oldest trick in the book. Can you tell I've had a lot of experience with being on the receiving end of psychological warfare courtesy of family? I can thank my relatives and extended family members for that! You need to run away from these types of people. They're nice when they want to be but when it comes to fighting or arguing, they'll play nasty in order to win, win, win. You're hosed either way. Then you'll be worn down and recoil.

    If you want to regain control of your feelings and life, don't engage with these types of people. These types of people were removed from my life permanently and should our paths cross (such as relatives / in-laws in my case), I'm civil yet distant and frosty. I'm polite but I'm not very nice. I'm well mannered as necessary and then I walk away. I don't engage anymore and keep any contact to the point of polite yet blunt. It works.

    I'm very sorry for your both of your losses.

    of you don't communicate effectively and normally which is the problem. As you know, both of you are incompatible. You're two different personalities and characters who don't mesh nor click.

    The wisest decision would be to break up with your boyfriend of 6 years. If it hasn't worked by now in 6 years (which is a long time btw), it never will.

  8. #7
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    I am sorry about the loss of your mom.

    Your relationship has been toxic throughout. I really do to understand why you continue with this.

  9. #8
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    Both of you have contributed to the toxic dynamic here.

    It's time to just walk away for good. You two don't have a future together.

  10. #9
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    How did he make you feel insecure and vulnerable?
    And why did you not leave then since as you say it was his fault?
    Or was it?

    Why are you asking this man about marriage? And about moving in?
    And then say you never ďnaggedĒ him to move in?

    After 6 years it is ok to discuss marriage. But clearly he is not receptive to the idea. Therefore he doesnít want to marry you. So why would you want to move in?? To pay half his bills?

    This relationship is not actually a loving functional one. Why are YOU choosing to stay?
    You say you behave in certain ways (talking to other guys) as a reaction to his treatment of you. But thatís not a normal reaction? A normal one would be to break up, be single for some time and then chat to other guys.

    I am sorry for your loss. X

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You need to remove this jerk from your life. More importantly you need to pursue relationships that are mutual and viable rather than trying anything to hang onto a guy or push anyone into marriage/moving in.
    Originally Posted by Alex1984
    I Whenever I ask about marriage or moving in he always throws what I have done back in my face and tells me thatís the reason why. He has his own place and never once have I nagged him to move in even though he says he wants me to and then changes his mind because he does that a lot. I became pregant and because I felt no security or that our relationship was happy so I decided to have an abortion.

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