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Thread: New Relationship, Possible Big Changes

  1. #11
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    But is his dedication to his work something you admire or just tolerate ? Even though I admire my husband for his dedication to and passion about his work I still have to remind myself at those really challenging times why I signed up for this. If I didn’t respect and admire him as I do I can’t imagine being able to accept all the extra work and stress on me and our family
    Good question, I totally admire his dedication to this field as I also share a passion and strong values around advocating for people with mental health and addiction issues. It's not something I chose to do as a career because I am very sensitive and find it really difficult to be around that kind of energy day in / day out. I admire anyone that can handle working in that field day to day, especially with youth... it takes next level patience and empathy.... and it's a tough career as there is always uncertainty and it's not a high paying field, so anyone that chooses that as a career does so because they really want to help others.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by maew
    All great food for thought! I want to support him in his journey, the relationship we have is definitely worth it. I don’t want my fear to stand in the way of that happening. Life is unpredictable and how I handle this will set the stage for future situations.
    Your fear is coming from not having your significant other around all the time. Re: your first post (3rd and 4th last paragraphs). This is normal especially when there are disruptions to a wellknown routine. We all fear change in some form or another. You are definitely not alone. Please don't feel like you are. Keep showing that you love each other and don't be afraid to let him know that you miss him and verbalize wanting to connect. At the end of a difficult week, it's sometimes difficult to balance what we want and what we need. What we want might be deeper conversations but what we need might be lighthearted banter to ease the situation. Don't forget to keep things light.

    I believe that we are our own independent sources of strength in times of personal crisis (this involves career development and changes in work). Our families and network of support are alternate reservoirs of strength in times of need. He shouldn't feel embarrassed talking about his fears and neither should you. Since you've made the decision that what you share together is worth it and you will support him in his journey, I'd encourage lots of communication and a lot of affirmations of love and remain positive for the future. You both will find a new "normal", a new routine. Don't worry about all that. It will fall into place.

    Grow together and develop new ways to communicate, sharpen all those details about your relationship. It may be a wonderful experience or it may not be but you should always rest in the fact that you will cross one bridge at a time and make decisions that are best suited to you. Don't ever feel cornered or like you don't have a choice.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    As someone who divorced in their forties and then jumped into the dating pool, I know the frustrations and hard work it took to find someone who matched me in all the major ways. I know that before I considered dating anyone, I sometimes ruled out men who didn't have much leisure time to spend with me, as I was about to have an empty nest and I wanted regular companionship. I actually did end up dating a guy for a year who was a workaholic, and found that his work being a priority over any human in his life, including his mostly grown children, wasn't an ideal partner for me.

    In your case, your bf is not a workaholic. You've gotten to know that he seems to be a keeper. It's not his fault that he's going to get a crappy shift. I don't have a normal shift with weekends off, nor do I have every holiday off. My husband has his hobbies and a guy friend he hangs out with when I'm at work and he's not. I have a hobby and like my alone time when he's at work and I'm not. I used to be a Navy wife, and so getting to see my spouse most days, even if briefly (sometimes he's asleep when I get home and I'm asleep when he wakes) is heavenly.

    You two don't live together, so your time will be sparser. Until and if he gets a new job, I'd be creative. Maybe if he has a break to eat, you could bring him a little picnic for you two to dine together if that's allowed at his work. Maybe you could take a nap on a Saturday, or go to bed early, and set the alarm for midnight when he gets off, having asked him to come over and spend the night. You can hang out for a few hours before going back to bed.

    I'd be real with expressing emotions without overdoing it. You can mention that you miss him since you two can't spend as much time together, but say it in a way that he will take positively instead of thinking you're whining. Just have the mindset that he's worth the situation not being ideal, and that with effort from the both of you, you two will build the life you both want together.

  4. #14
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    I know situations such as these can create uncertainty; when life doesn’t go as expected. Sometimes there are twists and turns in life and the love you have for each other will be needed during this transition. Be supportive, patient and prayerful; keep the communication between the two of you effective and strong. Have moments of encouragement…and intimacy when you can. During the next chapter of your relationship, you can reflect on this period.

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  6. #15
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    Hey maew, I am trying to figure out what you fear exactly.

    Do you interpret your not being able to spend as much time together as meaning (on some subconscious level) that he doesn't care as much, or you will grow apart, or dare I suggest, he will meet another woman, and he will leave you?

    My bf is gone entire weekends sometimes, or entire weeks. He's a professional photographer and often accepts jobs and assignments out of town, even across the country on a few occasions.

    I embrace this time apart, and we make the distance work for us, instead of against us. And believe it or not, the time apart and distance has actually brought us closer and increased intimacy versus causing us to grow apart, which for many is the natural assumption.

    Anyway, dig deep and determine where your fears about this stem from, and then take steps to overcome.

    Make the time apart and distance work for you, which is a positive, instead of focusing so much on the negative.

    If you have faith and trust in your mutual connection and love, then trust it will all work out -- have faith in that too!

    EDIT: From trulycommitt:

    ...keep the communication between the two of you effective and strong. Have moments of encouragement…and intimacy when you can. During the next chapter of your relationship, you can reflect on this period.


    This is gold!

  7. #16
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    Well, if he works Fridays through Monday nights, he can stay up late Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday night spending time with you. Midweek dates, maybe having sunday brunch before work or A.M running or at the farmer's market on Saturday morning. or he can come over after work. Don't make this a big deal.

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