Jump to content

Devastated after being ghosted after single date due to performance issues


ReaperOfGrim

Recommended Posts

It's been nearly 2 months since I met a girl I'd been talking to for a month on a dating app for the first date I'd been on in 2 years since my ex of 5 years left. As anxious as I was leading up to the date, it went incredibly. I'm 32 and she's 28. We had connection, chemistry, and had more in common with her than I do with any of my friends. The date lasted 4 hours before she suggested going back to my place.

 

We got to my place and played guitars for an hour and watched a show together. Things finally got physical and we began making out for whole before moving to the bed room. At that point however, I had been awake for almost 24 hours and couldn't maintain an erection. As humiliating as this was, I assured her it wasn't her and she seemed ok and like she was into the idea of seeing me in the future. This was the last time I spoke to her. She ghosted me.

 

About a day afterwards when I realized she was ghosting me, I thought to myself "well this sucks. But it was just one date. I should be over it in a week". I guess I was numb or it hasn't sunk in yet, because I did NOT anticipate the emotional pain I've suffered every day since. I don't think I can put into words how humiliating and devastating it has been to be ghosted by the only girl I'd been with in 2 years, whom I was REALLY into on a physical and mental level because of an issue with manhood.

 

This has spiraled me into a full blown depression over the course of the last 2 months. I cannot stop thinking about this girl for even 1 minute. I've lost 10 lbs, I can't sleep, I cry for hours every night, I can't watch tv/movies or do any of the things I used to enjoy. Even my coworkers and managers have noticed a major difference in me.

 

I've checked all the "natural depression remedies" you'll find on the internet. I've started exercising 5 days a week. Eating healthy. Cut porn/ masturbation. Gone on 4 dates with 3 women. Spending time with friends and family. Going out alone and actually socializing/ making new friends. Got laid last week. And still this girl is on my mind all day and night and I can't stop thinking about wanting her and getting back together with her.

 

I went to the dr to double check that everything is ok with me on a physical level. We checked and he's certain it was being tired that night that caused the performance issues. He prescribed me pills incase it happens again, and chantix and wellbutrin to help me quit smoking and hopefully help with the depression. I also intend on scheduling a session edith a therapist soon.

 

Yet even at this level. 2 months later after a SINGLE date. My mind is entirely consumed by thoughts of this girl and how I can get with her. What can I do?

Link to comment

First of all, sexual ability does not define if you are a man. It is a terribly toxic thing and you need to realize that. You are not less of a man because of how you perform in bed. The therapist thing is a perfect idea. I am sure it is really difficult to talk about with friends or family members, so getting a therapist to talk to is the best step, or talking to anyone for that matter. Also, you have no idea the thing that happened had anything to do with if she responded or not. It seemed like after that happened she was seemed down to do something again, so I feel like it may have not been that. Maybe something happened in her life and she realized she could not pursue a relationship, or an ex came back into her life or something. So many other possibilities. Even if she did ghost you because of that thing that happened, then honestly screw her. If she cannot get past some stupid sex thing on the first date, one that went very well it seems, then she does not deserve you. I hope, and know, you will get better!

Link to comment

OP you need to see a therapist. This situation was clearly a trigger for some unresolved feelings of rejection / abandonment from your past that you never got over. This will keep coming up for you until you find the root cause and address it.

Link to comment
I also intend on scheduling a session with a therapist soon.

 

Stop intending and make the appointment.

 

Your whole post, basically, is a case study in what therapy is great for. Working out, getting laid, quitting smoking—all good, but those are bandaids on the real stuff, the deep stuff to dive into and sort out so you're genuinely stable, in your core, rather than just on the surface.

 

From where I sit, it's all pretty simple. You put an extraordinary amount of psychic pressure on this first date as MEANING SOMETHING because it was your first time diving back into the pool since you broke up with your ex. Which, hey, happens. The water can be cold when we haven't swum for a while!

 

But to go into a tailspin about your manhood, to stop eating and start crying, because of this? Well, that speaks to something deep inside of you that hasn't been repaired. If you can approach this moment from the right angle, you'll see is as an important one you're lucky to have—life alerting you to something in your spirit that is needing some attention.

 

Your ego, to put it bluntly, has got you by the balls. Not a good place to be. People ghost people, people fail to get erections sometimes—this is not World War Three. This is being alive. If you can't handle the business of being alive with some grace, humor, and humility you're going to find it very hard to enjoy dating, let alone meeting someone and enjoying a sustainable connection with.

 

A good therapist is a blessing. It's like a training session in grace and humility—good stuff, just as good (well, better) than strong abs and biceps. You'll understand the root of this obsession and, in understanding it, you'll find it loses its power and, in the process, reintroduces you to your own power, the real stuff, not all this bogus ego noise.

Link to comment

You seem to have extremely low levels of self-confidence. I'm sorry this happened to you but it's not the end of the world. I don't have much experience with therapy but I'd second what the others have said as your predicament seems completely puzzling and alarming to me and I can imagine how frustrating it might be. Hang in there and don't give up hope on dating or finding a compatible person for you. Let go of these unhealthy thoughts and let go of that other girl.

Link to comment

Honestly, if you had been awake for 24 hours, why did you take her up to your place? A first date should be in public.

BTW, the phone works both ways. You mean you did not text or call her the next evening to tell her you had a great time and would like to see her again? Or ask her out? YOUR lack of communication could have sealed the deal. I do think you should seek help about your anxiety but really -- GET SOME SLEEP. Don't go on a date where you have not slept for 24 hours. eat properly - a little self care goes a long way. you may not have ED - you might just have been exhausted

Link to comment
Stop intending and make the appointment.

 

Your whole post, basically, is a case study in what therapy is great for. Working out, getting laid, quitting smoking—all good, but those are bandaids on the real stuff, the deep stuff to dive into and sort out so you're genuinely stable, in your core, rather than just on the surface.

 

From where I sit, it's all pretty simple. You put an extraordinary amount of psychic pressure on this first date as MEANING SOMETHING because it was your first time diving back into the pool since you broke up with your ex. Which, hey, happens. The water can be cold when we haven't swum for a while!

 

But to go into a tailspin about your manhood, to stop eating and start crying, because of this? Well, that speaks to something deep inside of you that hasn't been repaired. If you can approach this moment from the right angle, you'll see is as an important one you're lucky to have—life alerting you to something in your spirit that is needing some attention.

 

Your ego, to put it bluntly, has got you by the balls. Not a good place to be. People ghost people, people fail to get erections sometimes—this is not World War Three. This is being alive. If you can't handle the business of being alive with some grace, humor, and humility you're going to find it very hard to enjoy dating, let alone meeting someone and enjoying a sustainable connection with.

 

A good therapist is a blessing. It's like a training session in grace and humility—good stuff, just as good (well, better) than strong abs and biceps. You'll understand the root of this obsession and, in understanding it, you'll find it loses its power and, in the process, reintroduces you to your own power, the real stuff, not all this bogus ego noise.

 

I really appreciate the comments. Judging by all of your replies, it seems all of you put quite alot of value into therapy. It makes me happy to hear, because I've only considered it at this point because it's "something to do" that I've heard may help with the amount of pain I'm currently in, and not necessarily because I know whether or not it's actually valuable, as I've never done it before. Now I'm excited to try it.

 

And I don't know why I'm so stuck on this girl. She came on so strong in the conversations beforehand and kept complimenting me the night of the date. I had no doubt the entire night that we were going to see each other again. We'd talked about watching the new season of game of thrones together, bucket list items, ect and she really had me sold on how much she was into me.

 

But aaaallll that being said, there were red flags that night that indicated she was in no way had long term potential. She lived with her (ex?)husband that she owned a business with and had a son with. She didn't intend on living in town for longer than a year. She flat out told me she wasn't ready for a relationship. At this point however, she's so high up on a pedestal in my mind, that none of this keeps me from thinking about her all day and wishing I could see her again, and do fun things with her. I really wish I could be mad at her and hold resentment towards her- i think it'd be helpful and that most guys in my situation would. But I have none in me. Just like...a wanting to give to her or something. I just can't seem to connect my emotions with my logic.

Link to comment

But aaaallll that being said, there were red flags that night that indicated she was in no way had long term potential.

 

If you found out she was living with her ex during the course of the date, why not end the evening not bringing her home or playing guitars and calling it a night? Maybe you just are fixated on her because she is not available to date and now are deciding its your fault when its her fault she is not available (is probably still married)

Link to comment
But aaaallll that being said, there were red flags that night that indicated she was in no way had long term potential. She lived with her (ex?)husband that she owned a business with and had a son with. She didn't intend on living in town for longer than a year. She flat out told me she wasn't ready for a relationship. At this point however, she's so high up on a pedestal in my mind, that none of this keeps me from thinking about her all day and wishing I could see her again, and do fun things with her. I really wish I could be mad at her and hold resentment towards her- i think it'd be helpful and that most guys in my situation would. But I have none in me. Just like...a wanting to give to her or something. I just can't seem to connect my emotions with my logic.

 

Countless people struggle with that bolded part OP... the connecting of the head to the heart... there is something that is getting in the way, and that's what therapy is great for.

Link to comment
Honestly, if you had been awake for 24 hours, why did you take her up to your place? A first date should be in public.

BTW, the phone works both ways. You mean you did not text or call her the next evening to tell her you had a great time and would like to see her again? Or ask her out? YOUR lack of communication could have sealed the deal. I do think you should seek help about your anxiety but really -- GET SOME SLEEP. Don't go on a date where you have not slept for 24 hours. eat properly - a little self care goes a long way. you may not have ED - you might just have been exhausted

 

Well I wake up at 5 for work in the morning. The date began at 7 and lasted at the restaurant until 11:30. I didn't intend on asking her back to my place, so I guess when she'd mentioned it I was taken aback and didn't want the night to end so didn't think twice. Not to mention the thought of being intimate with a woman for the first time in 2 years. Obviously this has left me full of what ifs. "What if I'd have just kissed her goodnight?" "What if I'd have kissed her as soon as we walked into my house?"

 

The date was Friday April 13th and I tried texting her that Sunday good morning. About 6 hours later asking if she was in town. Then a week later with a game of thrones meme and a again a week later. Then about 2 weeks ago with a long message on the dating app:

 

 

"Hey! I was going through my matches on here and ran across your ghosting ass, lol. Not a big deal. I've ghosted. You've ghosted. We've all done it, and it's kind of par for the course on these apps. BUT! I really did enjoy hanging out with you, if even on a basic, friend level. I thought we clicked pretty well and shared more interests than that of even some of our closest friends. Even if it didn't work out in a romantic sense (my fault btw, for thinking my body would operate like normal going on 24 hours 🤯🔫) I do KINDA hate cutting people out of my life when I believe they can add value to it. If you don't agree, no biggie. Just let me know"

 

Obviously I didn't hear back, and that made me look needy and disgusting. And now i find myself going out on a Saturday night hoping to see her somewhere. Doubt I'd even talk to her.

 

My doctor confirmed that it was 100% due to being exhausted and prescribed me a small amount of a viagra variant in case it happens again.

 

But aaaallll that being said, there were red flags that night that indicated she was in no way had long term potential.

 

If you found out she was living with her ex during the course of the date, why not end the evening not bringing her home or playing guitars and calling it a night? Maybe you just are fixated on her because she is not available to date and now are deciding its your fault when its her fault she is not available (is probably still married)

 

Well when I heard that I was pretty taken aback. She kind of noticed and I told her it's none of my business anyway, opting to put thought into it later and just enjoy the night. And you may be right about wanting what you can't have. I wasn't FLOORED by this girl. Even that night I told myself "meh. If this doesn't work out, I'll be ok." But once she just disappeared, it destroyed me for some reason. Like a full on heartbreak

Link to comment

Therapy is a blast. It's also a bit*h. Just like going to the gym or getting into a yoga, it's a bit of a grind in the beginning. But I think it's up your alley: you're spinning around but you've got a lot of awareness and an eagerness to connect the dots that are a little blurry right now.

 

I mean, beyond the breakdown of the date, it is ONE DATE. Logically you know that—that whatever is said, felt, experienced, etc.—on one day with someone is not necessarily a precedent for the next day, the next month, the next lifetime. But your ego is all over the map, so it's turning some very clear stuff into smoke signals that have you high as a kite right now. Or, perhaps more accurately, going thorough some serious withdrawal.

 

Basically, if you want some armchair shrink stuff, what's bothering you right now is the lack of control. I actually don't think you were taking her very seriously; otherwise the bit about living with an ex-husband, wanting to leave town, and not wanting a relationship would have been enough right there for your turtle to climb deep into his shell. But all that unavailability had some kind of appeal, because it could be all sorts of hot without ever being real. But then, alas, she went from hot to cold, and you're frustrated that the story isn't going the way you want it to, on your terms. The illusion of control—and it's always an illusion—is gone.

 

In fact, past the 24 hours being awake and some jitters, I'd say what happened with her was actually something lovely and honest: that the man downstairs was protecting the thing inside your chest—yeah, that heart of yours—because this whole thing had catastrophe written all over it the whole time. Wild stuff, isn't it? Sometimes the head between the legs can exert wisdom by standing down. You don't just want hot, cheap sex with someone who has damage written on their forehead, but something with the potential to be real. Someone who doesn't want a relationship, is getting out of town, still lives with her husband—well, not much potential there.

 

In your shoes—and I've been in versions, as the machinery of masculinity is always complicated—I'd feel like more of a man because of what happened between the sheets. Your head and heart were not ready—they did not feel safe—and so that other head just couldn't lead. Frustrating, sure. And always a bit destabilizing when, dang it, something happens to remind us cavemen that we're a bit more vulnerable and sensitive than we think. But vulnerability and sensitivity is the sweetest stuff. Don't bang it away; harness it, with respect, and there's a level of connection—physical and emotional—that will blow your mind.

 

This woman is a particle of dust in the history of your life. But just as the proverbial butterfly flaps its wings in India and creates the hurricane in Louisiana, I think this experience is a good one for you—pointing out some parts of yourself you haven't quite been ready to see but are hungry for recognition and to be better understood.

Link to comment

I hate to say this...BUT...

 

You more than likely exhibited some kind of behavior on top of the sex that turned her off. She probably wanted to go slow, or just have fun...and you were all in because it's been the first girl you've dated in so long. You built her up...got her to your place, and failed miserably, and lost her. Then you acted needy, and she bolted.

 

Watch a ton of red pill videos lol. Man up. Seriously...it's one thing to be devastated after months of dating someone...and falling in love...but one date!!??!

 

Dating and love is tough bro. It's hard to open up to someone, think you have a connection...and then have them bail. It's like a trojan horse. lol. You can NOT fix this...but you can learn from it. Don't go all in with women so fast. Especially ones with red flags. Like someone said...for all you know...she isn't equipped to handle someone like you because she's a mess inside. Who knows. :-)

Link to comment

Well I wake up at 5 for work in the morning. The date began at 7 and lasted at the restaurant until 11:30. I didn't intend on asking her back to my place, so I guess when she'd mentioned it I was taken aback and didn't want the night to end so didn't think twice. Not to mention the thought of being intimate with a woman for the first time in 2 years. Obviously this has left me full of what ifs. "What if I'd have just kissed her goodnight?" "What if I'd have kissed her as soon as we walked into my house?"

 

The date was Friday April 13th and I tried texting her that Sunday good morning. About 6 hours later asking if she was in town. Then a week later with a game of thrones meme and a again a week later. Then about 2 weeks ago with a long message on the dating app:

 

 

"Hey! I was going through my matches on here and ran across your ghosting ass, lol. Not a big deal. I've ghosted. You've ghosted. We've all done it, and it's kind of par for the course on these apps. BUT! I really did enjoy hanging out with you, if even on a basic, friend level. I thought we clicked pretty well and shared more interests than that of even some of our closest friends. Even if it didn't work out in a romantic sense (my fault btw, for thinking my body would operate like normal going on 24 hours 🤯🔫) I do KINDA hate cutting people out of my life when I believe they can add value to it. If you don't agree, no biggie. Just let me know"

 

Honestly, you know she is living with her husband, so why weeks later are you still trying to get her attention??

 

so you treated her not as an individual but "i haven't had sex in 2 years - let's get my rocks off" sort of situation?

Also, a good morning text and a meme are meaningless. if a woman spent the night or almost did , you either ask them to text to make sure they got home okay, you call them THE NEXT DAy etc.

I found your message on the dating app a tad aggressive and its downright creepy that you waited a few weeks to send t. I would have called and left a message that you had a great time and left it at that. But since she is married or maybe separated, i would have told you that you had a great time, left it at that and if she sent you another message, i would have told her that you do not wish to get in the way of her marriage.

Link to comment
I hate to say this...BUT...

 

You more than likely exhibited some kind of behavior on top of the sex that turned her off. She probably wanted to go slow, or just have fun...and you were all in because it's been the first girl you've dated in so long. You built her up...got her to your place, and failed miserably, and lost her. Then you acted needy, and she bolted.

 

Watch a ton of red pill videos lol. Man up. Seriously...it's one thing to be devastated after months of dating someone...and falling in love...but one date!!??!

 

Dating and love is tough bro. It's hard to open up to someone, think you have a connection...and then have them bail. It's like a trojan horse. lol. You can NOT fix this...but you can learn from it. Don't go all in with women so fast. Especially ones with red flags. Like someone said...for all you know...she isn't equipped to handle someone like you because she's a mess inside. Who knows. :-)

 

Honestly man, I think if I got clarification that she just "wasn't feeling it" or there was some other specific reason OUTSIDE of Noor being able to get it up, I really think I'd feel better about the situation. I mean.. I'm into her, I want her, but she's convinced I DON'T want her because "it" isn't working. And what's sad? I DO watch those videos. They're what convinced me to try getting out and actually getting my dating life in order. Yet I STILL made these gross mistakes of texting too much. It's almost as if I was ok the entire way until an ounce of emotions entered the Frey.

 

And as far as being hung up after one date...I don't know what's up with me. I don't get matched up with many attractive women on these dating apps, so to muck this one up in such an embarrassing way I think is what's got me do down and out. The difficulty in letting go I'm having, and the hoping she'll "come back around" I think is because there's a part of me that feels like "hey. She liked me enough to get to THAT point (the bedroom). We were clearly into each other at SOME point and I didn't really mess things up SO bad"... or something. When clearly I'm projecting what I'm feeling.

 

Honestly, you know she is living with her husband, so why weeks later are you still trying to get her attention??

 

so you treated her not as an individual but "i haven't had sex in 2 years - let's get my rocks off" sort of situation?

Also, a good morning text and a meme are meaningless. if a woman spent the night or almost did , you either ask them to text to make sure they got home okay, you call them THE NEXT DAy etc.

I found your message on the dating app a tad aggressive and its downright creepy that you waited a few weeks to send t. I would have called and left a message that you had a great time and left it at that. But since she is married or maybe separated, i would have told you that you had a great time, left it at that and if she sent you another message, i would have told her that you do not wish to get in the way of her marriage.

 

No no no not at all! I did NOT look at her as a an easy lay. The 2 month lead up to the date, she was communicating sexual desire heavily. She was always bringing it up, what she's into, ect ect. I don't believe I brought it up once and I'd usually change the subject pretty quickly so she wouldn't get the impression that's all I was into her for. I was definitely searching for more than she was, but I was ok with just a friendship or a fwb thing if that's what her prerogative was.

 

As far as why I'm still "interested", I'm not 100% sure man. I think this hit my confidence really hard and I'm feeling like I'll never have a chance with a pretty girl like this again or some diluted thoughts like that.

 

I do in hindsight wish I would have called afterwards and told her I enjoyed the night. I'm not certain it would have helped though. And the message I (regrettably) sent weeks later I think was almost a way for me to get my own closure or something. I didn't anticipate still feeling so strongly about this so long afterwards, and I guess I thought I'd just throw that out there and if she doesn't bite, I'll just move on. Wasn't quite that simple, turns out

Link to comment

I don't even understand trying to sleep with someone on the first date. Maybe you actually are one of those people who is better off building an emotional connection first before jumping straight into the sack. This whole microwave intimacy thing definitely doesn't work for me.

Link to comment

You have no idea why she ghosted you. Stop it right now. The sex could have been mind blowing, and she still might have ghosted you. And if a woman did ghost you because you were exhausted, then she's not the type of woman worth dating anyways.

 

Thow this silly baggage away and get out there.

Link to comment
Thow this silly baggage away and get out there.

 

I'm really trying. It's eaten away at me for months now and I don't know how to stop it. I'm stuck with the notion that she's "perfect" for me and all the fun we could have together when I didn't even feel that way that night or leading up to it. I'm finding myself constantly thinking of her face always, and comparing women to her, having a hard time finding other women attractive. I'll wake up and be fine for about 5 seconds, then I'll feel a literal weight put on my chest and shoulders sometimes even before she enters my mind only to remain there until I go to sleep at night. I don't know what tf is wrong with my brain but I'm ready to pull my hair out. I f******* hate this

Link to comment

Dude, it's time to man up. For real. You say you're "trying" but you're sort of using this thread to indulge the very loop you claim to want out of. So, again: therapy.

 

But also? This is just your ego. Not your head, your heart, or the schizoid head between your legs. Ego, ego, ego. Get intimate with that and, in the process, you'll just demystify all the absurd stories you're telling: about how she's perfect, about how you're not a man. You're just a dude walking the planet with a swollen ego and, in that, you are not alone. There are lot of dudes out there being tugged around by their egos, feeling like Hercules when the ego is stroked and like the World's Most Wounded Man when the ego balloon is poked with a pin.

 

It's not a cute look. Be cute. Cute sleeps at night. Ladies like cute. Win win.

Link to comment
Dude, it's time to man up. For real. You say you're "trying" but you're sort of using this thread to indulge the very loop you claim to want out of. So, again: therapy.

 

But also? This is just your ego. Not your head, your heart, or the schizoid head between your legs. Ego, ego, ego. Get intimate with that and, in the process, you'll just demystify all the absurd stories you're telling: about how she's perfect, about how you're not a man. You're just a dude walking the planet with a swollen ego and, in that, you are not alone. There are lot of dudes out there being tugged around by their egos, feeling like Hercules when the ego is stroked and like the World's Most Wounded Man when the ego balloon is poked with a pin.

 

It's not a cute look. Be cute. Cute sleeps at night. Ladies like cute. Win win.

 

Maybe so man, I don't know. Or being on my mind all day, I feel like I want to talk about our let the crap out. And this is the only method I know of at 1 in the afternoon at work.

 

I guess it's ego? I definitely feel embarrassed and ashamed for sure. But that's not really what's stuck the hardest. It's wanting her and wanting this fantasy of what I was hoping I'd found or something.

Link to comment
And I've never been in a place where i think you'd call my confidence/ego "inflated" or even healthy for that matter. It took me years after my ex left to get the courage to go on another date.

 

Exactly. That is all ego. Ego basically holds onto pleasure and pain and "inflates" it into being more than it is, and so you swing wildly from high to low, "never" quite being in the place that is real, that is you.

 

Therapy, my friend. It's waiting for you.

Link to comment
Exactly. That is all ego. Ego basically holds onto pleasure and pain and "inflates" it into being more than it is, and so you swing wildly from high to low, "never" quite being in the place that is real, that is you.

 

Therapy, my friend. It's waiting for you.

 

Jeez I've never thought about it in that way. I've always considered ego as being overconfident, cocky, ect. Maybe I do have an ego problem. Right now, I know my confidence is at an all time low, barely even able maintain eye contact in a conversation. This is something that wasn't even present closer to the actual event that led to this. Is this something that therapy can actually help me with?

 

I called afew therapist offices on my insurance, but they far outside of my budget. I talked to a coworker today that recommended someone he's seeing that I will fall after work today. I also started wellbutrin today in hopes it would help my inability to focus, and clear the depression I've felt lately and hopefully quit smoking cigarettes.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...