Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 37

Thread: Devastated after being ghosted after single date due to performance issues

  1. #11
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    1,308
    But aaaallll that being said, there were red flags that night that indicated she was in no way had long term potential. She lived with her (ex?)husband that she owned a business with and had a son with. She didn't intend on living in town for longer than a year. She flat out told me she wasn't ready for a relationship. At this point however, she's so high up on a pedestal in my mind, that none of this keeps me from thinking about her all day and wishing I could see her again, and do fun things with her. I really wish I could be mad at her and hold resentment towards her- i think it'd be helpful and that most guys in my situation would. But I have none in me. Just like...a wanting to give to her or something. I just can't seem to connect my emotions with my logic.
    Countless people struggle with that bolded part OP... the connecting of the head to the heart... there is something that is getting in the way, and that's what therapy is great for.

  2. #12
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2017
    Posts
    11
    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    Honestly, if you had been awake for 24 hours, why did you take her up to your place? A first date should be in public.
    BTW, the phone works both ways. You mean you did not text or call her the next evening to tell her you had a great time and would like to see her again? Or ask her out? YOUR lack of communication could have sealed the deal. I do think you should seek help about your anxiety but really -- GET SOME SLEEP. Don't go on a date where you have not slept for 24 hours. eat properly - a little self care goes a long way. you may not have ED - you might just have been exhausted
    Well I wake up at 5 for work in the morning. The date began at 7 and lasted at the restaurant until 11:30. I didn't intend on asking her back to my place, so I guess when she'd mentioned it I was taken aback and didn't want the night to end so didn't think twice. Not to mention the thought of being intimate with a woman for the first time in 2 years. Obviously this has left me full of what ifs. "What if I'd have just kissed her goodnight?" "What if I'd have kissed her as soon as we walked into my house?"

    The date was Friday April 13th and I tried texting her that Sunday good morning. About 6 hours later asking if she was in town. Then a week later with a game of thrones meme and a again a week later. Then about 2 weeks ago with a long message on the dating app:


    "Hey! I was going through my matches on here and ran across your ghosting ass, lol. Not a big deal. I've ghosted. You've ghosted. We've all done it, and it's kind of par for the course on these apps. BUT! I really did enjoy hanging out with you, if even on a basic, friend level. I thought we clicked pretty well and shared more interests than that of even some of our closest friends. Even if it didn't work out in a romantic sense (my fault btw, for thinking my body would operate like normal going on 24 hours 🤯🔫) I do KINDA hate cutting people out of my life when I believe they can add value to it. If you don't agree, no biggie. Just let me know"

    Obviously I didn't hear back, and that made me look needy and disgusting. And now i find myself going out on a Saturday night hoping to see her somewhere. Doubt I'd even talk to her.

    My doctor confirmed that it was 100% due to being exhausted and prescribed me a small amount of a viagra variant in case it happens again.

    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    But aaaallll that being said, there were red flags that night that indicated she was in no way had long term potential.

    If you found out she was living with her ex during the course of the date, why not end the evening not bringing her home or playing guitars and calling it a night? Maybe you just are fixated on her because she is not available to date and now are deciding its your fault when its her fault she is not available (is probably still married)
    Well when I heard that I was pretty taken aback. She kind of noticed and I told her it's none of my business anyway, opting to put thought into it later and just enjoy the night. And you may be right about wanting what you can't have. I wasn't FLOORED by this girl. Even that night I told myself "meh. If this doesn't work out, I'll be ok." But once she just disappeared, it destroyed me for some reason. Like a full on heartbreak

  3. #13
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    2,134
    Gender
    Male
    Therapy is a blast. It's also a bit*h. Just like going to the gym or getting into a yoga, it's a bit of a grind in the beginning. But I think it's up your alley: you're spinning around but you've got a lot of awareness and an eagerness to connect the dots that are a little blurry right now.

    I mean, beyond the breakdown of the date, it is ONE DATE. Logically you know that—that whatever is said, felt, experienced, etc.—on one day with someone is not necessarily a precedent for the next day, the next month, the next lifetime. But your ego is all over the map, so it's turning some very clear stuff into smoke signals that have you high as a kite right now. Or, perhaps more accurately, going thorough some serious withdrawal.

    Basically, if you want some armchair shrink stuff, what's bothering you right now is the lack of control. I actually don't think you were taking her very seriously; otherwise the bit about living with an ex-husband, wanting to leave town, and not wanting a relationship would have been enough right there for your turtle to climb deep into his shell. But all that unavailability had some kind of appeal, because it could be all sorts of hot without ever being real. But then, alas, she went from hot to cold, and you're frustrated that the story isn't going the way you want it to, on your terms. The illusion of control—and it's always an illusion—is gone.

    In fact, past the 24 hours being awake and some jitters, I'd say what happened with her was actually something lovely and honest: that the man downstairs was protecting the thing inside your chest—yeah, that heart of yours—because this whole thing had catastrophe written all over it the whole time. Wild stuff, isn't it? Sometimes the head between the legs can exert wisdom by standing down. You don't just want hot, cheap sex with someone who has damage written on their forehead, but something with the potential to be real. Someone who doesn't want a relationship, is getting out of town, still lives with her husband—well, not much potential there.

    In your shoes—and I've been in versions, as the machinery of masculinity is always complicated—I'd feel like more of a man because of what happened between the sheets. Your head and heart were not ready—they did not feel safe—and so that other head just couldn't lead. Frustrating, sure. And always a bit destabilizing when, dang it, something happens to remind us cavemen that we're a bit more vulnerable and sensitive than we think. But vulnerability and sensitivity is the sweetest stuff. Don't bang it away; harness it, with respect, and there's a level of connection—physical and emotional—that will blow your mind.

    This woman is a particle of dust in the history of your life. But just as the proverbial butterfly flaps its wings in India and creates the hurricane in Louisiana, I think this experience is a good one for you—pointing out some parts of yourself you haven't quite been ready to see but are hungry for recognition and to be better understood.

  4. #14
    Member
    Join Date
    May 2019
    Location
    Denver
    Posts
    58
    Gender
    Male
    I hate to say this...BUT...

    You more than likely exhibited some kind of behavior on top of the sex that turned her off. She probably wanted to go slow, or just have fun...and you were all in because it's been the first girl you've dated in so long. You built her up...got her to your place, and failed miserably, and lost her. Then you acted needy, and she bolted.

    Watch a ton of red pill videos lol. Man up. Seriously...it's one thing to be devastated after months of dating someone...and falling in love...but one date!!??!

    Dating and love is tough bro. It's hard to open up to someone, think you have a connection...and then have them bail. It's like a trojan horse. lol. You can NOT fix this...but you can learn from it. Don't go all in with women so fast. Especially ones with red flags. Like someone said...for all you know...she isn't equipped to handle someone like you because she's a mess inside. Who knows. :-)

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    23,531
    Gender
    Female
    Well I wake up at 5 for work in the morning. The date began at 7 and lasted at the restaurant until 11:30. I didn't intend on asking her back to my place, so I guess when she'd mentioned it I was taken aback and didn't want the night to end so didn't think twice. Not to mention the thought of being intimate with a woman for the first time in 2 years. Obviously this has left me full of what ifs. "What if I'd have just kissed her goodnight?" "What if I'd have kissed her as soon as we walked into my house?"

    The date was Friday April 13th and I tried texting her that Sunday good morning. About 6 hours later asking if she was in town. Then a week later with a game of thrones meme and a again a week later. Then about 2 weeks ago with a long message on the dating app:


    "Hey! I was going through my matches on here and ran across your ghosting ass, lol. Not a big deal. I've ghosted. You've ghosted. We've all done it, and it's kind of par for the course on these apps. BUT! I really did enjoy hanging out with you, if even on a basic, friend level. I thought we clicked pretty well and shared more interests than that of even some of our closest friends. Even if it didn't work out in a romantic sense (my fault btw, for thinking my body would operate like normal going on 24 hours 🤯🔫) I do KINDA hate cutting people out of my life when I believe they can add value to it. If you don't agree, no biggie. Just let me know"


    Honestly, you know she is living with her husband, so why weeks later are you still trying to get her attention??

    so you treated her not as an individual but "i haven't had sex in 2 years - let's get my rocks off" sort of situation?
    Also, a good morning text and a meme are meaningless. if a woman spent the night or almost did , you either ask them to text to make sure they got home okay, you call them THE NEXT DAy etc.
    I found your message on the dating app a tad aggressive and its downright creepy that you waited a few weeks to send t. I would have called and left a message that you had a great time and left it at that. But since she is married or maybe separated, i would have told you that you had a great time, left it at that and if she sent you another message, i would have told her that you do not wish to get in the way of her marriage.

  7. #16
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2017
    Posts
    11
    Originally Posted by Cinder
    I hate to say this...BUT...

    You more than likely exhibited some kind of behavior on top of the sex that turned her off. She probably wanted to go slow, or just have fun...and you were all in because it's been the first girl you've dated in so long. You built her up...got her to your place, and failed miserably, and lost her. Then you acted needy, and she bolted.

    Watch a ton of red pill videos lol. Man up. Seriously...it's one thing to be devastated after months of dating someone...and falling in love...but one date!!??!

    Dating and love is tough bro. It's hard to open up to someone, think you have a connection...and then have them bail. It's like a trojan horse. lol. You can NOT fix this...but you can learn from it. Don't go all in with women so fast. Especially ones with red flags. Like someone said...for all you know...she isn't equipped to handle someone like you because she's a mess inside. Who knows. :-)
    Honestly man, I think if I got clarification that she just "wasn't feeling it" or there was some other specific reason OUTSIDE of Noor being able to get it up, I really think I'd feel better about the situation. I mean.. I'm into her, I want her, but she's convinced I DON'T want her because "it" isn't working. And what's sad? I DO watch those videos. They're what convinced me to try getting out and actually getting my dating life in order. Yet I STILL made these gross mistakes of texting too much. It's almost as if I was ok the entire way until an ounce of emotions entered the Frey.

    And as far as being hung up after one date...I don't know what's up with me. I don't get matched up with many attractive women on these dating apps, so to muck this one up in such an embarrassing way I think is what's got me do down and out. The difficulty in letting go I'm having, and the hoping she'll "come back around" I think is because there's a part of me that feels like "hey. She liked me enough to get to THAT point (the bedroom). We were clearly into each other at SOME point and I didn't really mess things up SO bad"... or something. When clearly I'm projecting what I'm feeling.

    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    [I][B]
    Honestly, you know she is living with her husband, so why weeks later are you still trying to get her attention??

    so you treated her not as an individual but "i haven't had sex in 2 years - let's get my rocks off" sort of situation?
    Also, a good morning text and a meme are meaningless. if a woman spent the night or almost did , you either ask them to text to make sure they got home okay, you call them THE NEXT DAy etc.
    I found your message on the dating app a tad aggressive and its downright creepy that you waited a few weeks to send t. I would have called and left a message that you had a great time and left it at that. But since she is married or maybe separated, i would have told you that you had a great time, left it at that and if she sent you another message, i would have told her that you do not wish to get in the way of her marriage.
    No no no not at all! I did NOT look at her as a an easy lay. The 2 month lead up to the date, she was communicating sexual desire heavily. She was always bringing it up, what she's into, ect ect. I don't believe I brought it up once and I'd usually change the subject pretty quickly so she wouldn't get the impression that's all I was into her for. I was definitely searching for more than she was, but I was ok with just a friendship or a fwb thing if that's what her prerogative was.

    As far as why I'm still "interested", I'm not 100% sure man. I think this hit my confidence really hard and I'm feeling like I'll never have a chance with a pretty girl like this again or some diluted thoughts like that.

    I do in hindsight wish I would have called afterwards and told her I enjoyed the night. I'm not certain it would have helped though. And the message I (regrettably) sent weeks later I think was almost a way for me to get my own closure or something. I didn't anticipate still feeling so strongly about this so long afterwards, and I guess I thought I'd just throw that out there and if she doesn't bite, I'll just move on. Wasn't quite that simple, turns out

  8. #17
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    1,111
    Your feelings for her will fade with time.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    1,995
    I don't even understand trying to sleep with someone on the first date. Maybe you actually are one of those people who is better off building an emotional connection first before jumping straight into the sack. This whole microwave intimacy thing definitely doesn't work for me.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Age
    57
    Posts
    5,906
    Gender
    Male
    You have no idea why she ghosted you. Stop it right now. The sex could have been mind blowing, and she still might have ghosted you. And if a woman did ghost you because you were exhausted, then she's not the type of woman worth dating anyways.

    Thow this silly baggage away and get out there.

  11. #20
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2017
    Posts
    11
    Originally Posted by Sportster2005
    Thow this silly baggage away and get out there.
    I'm really trying. It's eaten away at me for months now and I don't know how to stop it. I'm stuck with the notion that she's "perfect" for me and all the fun we could have together when I didn't even feel that way that night or leading up to it. I'm finding myself constantly thinking of her face always, and comparing women to her, having a hard time finding other women attractive. I'll wake up and be fine for about 5 seconds, then I'll feel a literal weight put on my chest and shoulders sometimes even before she enters my mind only to remain there until I go to sleep at night. I don't know what tf is wrong with my brain but I'm ready to pull my hair out. I f******* hate this
    Last edited by ReaperOfGrim; 06-04-2019 at 04:31 PM.

Page 2 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •