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Long term boyfriend won't commit


linzybinz

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Hi! I would love some advice/opinions on what you would do in my situation.

My boyfriend of 4 years tends to avoid conversations about marriage or if he does partake in them he says things like "if I get married" or "whoever I marry". About 6 months ago we had a conversation after we got into a fight (which we rarely ever fight so this was a unique situation) which led to us discussing our long term views of our relationship. I told him, if he asked me to marry me right in that moment I would say yes but he told me that he didn't see himself marrying me. When I tried to ask him why he felt that way he worked his way around it and I never found out why.

He told me that I should break up with him if I couldn't accept that about him. So I thought about it for a month or so but then things went back to normal and nothing ever happened. I told myself that maybe his opinion would change over time and maybe hes just afraid of commitment but I know that in the long run that's not likely to happen. I love him very much, I think that we are great together and everyone who knows us agrees. I've struggled with the idea of maybe marriage isn't that big of a deal, that its just a social construct but at the end of the day I want to get married. I think the promise to love and care for each other is a beautiful and important commit to make.

We are still happily together, we lived together for 1 year but now we are long distance due to me going to a college 2 hours away from him.. however I still think back to what he said about marriage often, I wonder if I'm just wasting my time. I want to talk to him about it again when emotions aren't as high but I'm afraid it will just force me to make a decision I don't want to make.

I know I should talk to him, but should marriage be this big of a deal breaker? Am I just overreacting or is this normal?

 

Thanks :tongue:

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he told me that he didn't see himself marrying me. When I tried to ask him why he felt that way he worked his way around it and I never found out why. He told me that I should break up with him if I couldn't accept that about him.

 

Couldn't be more clear... accept that doesn't and never will want to marry you or end the relationship.

 

should marriage be this big of a deal breaker? Am I just overreacting or is this normal?

 

If you want to be married, then you should see this as a deal breaker. Marriage is a personal choice... there are many that choose not to get married for various reasons... however I don't think you should overlook the fact that he said he didn't see himself getting married to you. Which to me would indicate he is happy with how things are for now... but he may choose to move on at some point if he meets someone he does want to be married to. And even if he wants to be with you forever, if you want to be married then why should you sacrifice that? That's an important relationship goal... like having kids or owning a home... don't give up on your dreams for the sake of staying in a relationship!

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It kind of sounds like your boyfriend thinks of you more as a girlfriend than a partner. That's not a verdict on you or the depth of his feelings for you. It just means that partnership, and all the questions around that, are still abstract for him, not really where he is yet in life. So while when you hear a word like "marriage" you think of a future including the two of you, he hears something more conceptual, more along the lines of a country he's never been to, might someday visit, but isn't remotely pressed on when that someday will be. And if he never visits? All good.

 

That doesn't mean bite your upper lip, choke down your feelings, and see if he'll come around. No, that's where resentment begins to simmer and expand—where you get upset with him for not wanting what you want, and upset with yourself for playing a spirit-crushing waiting game. You have to listen to him, because he is being crystal clear with you: he does not see himself marrying you. The "why" is not relevant, the fact of that is. And it's a very hard fact to hear, I know, but it's an even harder fact to ignore or twist into something easier to sit with.

 

What may be happening is that you're outgrowing this relationship—that, although you're younger, you're not only ready but excited to be thinking about those big things: future, marriage, partnership. You can't force him to be on that page. You can only accept that he's not, and then ask some hard questions and make the hard decision and ending things with him so you can find someone on your page.

 

I didn't start thinking seriously about partnership until I was 35. Yeah, I knew the word, just like I knew marriage was a thing people do, but those weren't things I was really ready to consider. Didn't matter who I was with, how much I loved her, because I was with some extraordinary women during those years, two of whom I loved so very deeply. But partnership and marriage just weren't part of my values—and, yeah, those value clashes were partly what led to those relationships ending. Sad, yes, but what needed to happen for everyone involved.

 

Today, at 39, my values are oriented toward partnership. But that's not because I met someone great, or because a great woman has been waiting for me to "evolve" over the past decade. It's just a place I've arrived on my own personal journey, as you've arrived there on yours. You should be with someone who compliments that, and shares those values.

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Here's the best advice I give to people who find themselves in a similar situation: Take a step back and ask yourself the following: how important is marriage to you? Is it more important to you than your relationship as it stands now? Or is your relationship more important to you than marriage?

 

If, ultimately, marriage is more important to you, then you absolutely should have this discussion with your boyfriend. You need to find out if he truly does not desire marriage with you or if this was said due to the heat of the moment. If he tells you that he meant every word that was said, then the best option for yourself is to end the relationship and find someone who has the same life goals as yourself (i.e. marriage). You are correct that you will ultimately be unhappy and full of resentment against your boyfriend if you remain in a relationship in which a true deal breaker exists.

 

If, ultimately, the relationship is more important to you than marriage and you will not leave it even if it means never getting married, then continue as you are. Marriage might happen for you, it might not. So long as you are content with the way things are and marriage is not a deal breaker for you, go ahead and ride things out and see what happens. If you eventually get married, great. If not, at least you will not have gone through life with any regrets since the relationship was always more important to you than marriage.

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He told me that I should break up with him if I couldn't accept that about him.

 

You need to break up with him.

He should not be saying "IF i marry someone someday" after 4 years when he is 32 years old.

 

Its okay if he was not ready to marry, but wanted to marry you - but this guy definitely doesn't want to marry you.

Cut bait and develop a relationship with a man who is dating to find his future wife.

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If he had said "I don't believe in marriage, I'd rather commit to you in a different way" as his reason that would be one thing. But he didn't even give you a straight answer. Take marriage off the table - he doesn't take the relationship as seriously as you do. After 4 years you should at the very least be on the same page about the level and nature of the commitment.

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If he had said "I don't believe in marriage, I'd rather commit to you in a different way" as his reason that would be one thing. But he didn't even give you a straight answer. Take marriage off the table - he doesn't take the relationship as seriously as you do. After 4 years you should at the very least be on the same page about the level and nature of the commitment.

 

exactly!!

 

I know a couple who have been together 55 years. They are old hippies. and they have both been on the same page the whole time and both had the same idea about their relationship. They did the open thing in the 60s, but kept coming back to eachother and were monogamous since 1970. They had some type of ceremony where someone tied their hands together and basically considered themselves "married" but were not legally married because they didn't believe the government should know. I had no idea they were not legally married when i met them. I don't think many did. They ended up getting legally married about 10 years ago because they were going to buy property and decided it made more sense to be legally married. It was to both of their benefit should one of them die also. They had a ceremony as well in a church (their beliefs had also changed since the hippie days).

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I don't think he takes you seriously. That's my take on it. He's not that interested in you and doesn't see you as marriage material, period. I don't think it's a matter of not believing in marriage. You're just not it. I'm sorry to say that.

 

Yes, you should take care of yourself and you shouldn't be compromising your peace of mind or your future for someone who is lukewarm with you. I think you're selling yourself short and allowing him to manipulate you.

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He doesn't want a legal commitment.

 

Some men believe "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

 

Perhaps he doesn't want to lose financially should both of you divorce. Some guys think like that.

 

4 years is a long time without any definite answers, visions, hopes and dreams as a couple.

 

Your frustration will continue because he doesn't share your vision regarding the future. You're wasting your time and energy with him if you have marriage in mind.

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As soon as your mindset turned to "how can I get commitment from him?" the relationship was doomed. He made it clear that you two are not on the same page about the future after 4 years together. Staying in the relationship communicates to him that you are okay with the two of you never marrying. He even encouraged you to end the the relationship if marriage was a step you wanted to take.

 

Believe him. Advocate for yourself. No, that does not mean continuing to try to make this man commit to you. It means making the hard, scary choice to find someone who wants to build a life with you. You have no one to blame but yourself if you stay with this man, and he never gives you what you want or leaves you for some woman he does want to marry in the future.

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I agree with all the others and please never ever compromise your values about marriage or tell yourself silly stories about how it’s a social construct. Some may feel that way. But you do not. That’s all that matters. And more importantly he very specifically does not see himself marrying you and would prefer you end things with him if you want marriage. He is being honest with you. Now be honest with yourself.

 

I went on a first date with a guy once and we were in our early 20s. He told me he wasn’t sure he’d ever get married and not before age 30. We got serious and we did talk about marriage. We broke up and got back together. I realized we probably weren’t right together and one night by surprise to me - he proposed. I turned him down. We broke up after dating 3 years. He and I each got married in the same year about 15 years later. And we both married men.

 

No I am not saying your boyfriend is gay - not in the least - what I am saying is that when a man tells you he doesn’t want to commit and or won’t commit to you and breaks up or pushes a break up accept that he doesn’t want to commit to you (in my case I believe he proposed to try to live a straight life. He came out to me as gay 10 years later. )

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he told me that he didn't see himself marrying me.

 

I'd ask myself, "Since BF has made it clear that this is the most he will ever offer me--no less, but no more--do I want to stay or go?"

 

If the answer is stay, then here you are. Take marriage off the table and live in the present without trying to manipulate future goals with this guy. If the answer is go, the next question becomes, when?

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You told him you were looking for marriage and he said you guys should break up if that's the case? Wow, just wow. Talk about unromantic.

 

I guess you'll have to decide whether you want to stay with a guy who's not interested in marriage. Obviously he's not going to budge.

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There are lots of different ways this one can play out. For instance, someone may be reluctant to get married, though they may be opened to it sometime in the future. First figure out what marriage means to you. Ask yourself why you want to be married. Then, I would suggest having another honest talk with your boyfriend. Figure out what marriage means to him. Weigh your happiness. Will you be happy not being married? I would not stress out over this at this point. I would suggest seeking the counsel of those around you that you trust.

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There are lots of different ways this one can play out. For instance, someone may be reluctant to get married, though they may be opened to it sometime in the future. First figure out what marriage means to you. Ask yourself why you want to be married. Then, I would suggest having another honest talk with your boyfriend. Figure out what marriage means to him. Weigh your happiness. Will you be happy not being married? I would not stress out over this at this point. I would suggest seeking the counsel of those around you that you trust.

 

trulycommitt, I am really liking your posts, including this^^!

 

I have a friend who wanted to marry her bf and he kept telling her "he's wasn't ready." For YEARS he kept telling her he wasn't "ready."

 

Like your bf, he kept dismissing discussions about it too; it put a lot of pressure on the relationship and they even almost broke up a few times because of it.

 

Anyway, after much thought and advice from friends and family, she decided to take it off the table (in her mind and heart) and just love him. That became what was most important, and after a year of her NOT mentioning it at all, and being perfectly happy with the status quo, guess what?

 

After FIVE years he proposed marriage. They married a year later, had a beautiful wedding on the ocean, just bought a home, have two adorable dogs, and are currently trying to have a baby.

 

I am not going to tell you what to do, you do what's right for you. Just wanted to share this story to make a point -- things are not always as they appear to be.

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It's really presumptuous to assume someone has a fear of commitment because they don't want to marry you.

I think it's likely that he chose to date someone as young as you knowing this would be for fun.

You take it more seriously than him, with visions of marriage etc. It's best to leave if that is what you want to pursue, find someone who is goal focused on marriage too.

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Originally Posted by trulycommitt

There are lots of different ways this one can play out. For instance, someone may be reluctant to get married, though they may be opened to it sometime in the future. First figure out what marriage means to you. Ask yourself why you want to be married. Then, I would suggest having another honest talk with your boyfriend. Figure out what marriage means to him. Weigh your happiness. Will you be happy not being married? I would not stress out over this at this point. I would suggest seeking the counsel of those around you that you trus

 

I would not poll the peanut gallery and get friends and family to gang up on him or convince you "but he's so nice. stay. He might change his mind". a 32 year old knows what they want in life - they know if they want to get married at some point in their lives. They are not 19 years old. They are savvy enough to know if the person in front of them is NOT someone they would want to marry if they do want to marry. I would say you were right if he was 17 but at this stage in the game, it doesn't matter "what marriage means to him". he doesn't want to marry her.

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