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Thread: Long term boyfriend won't commit

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by saluk
    If he had said "I don't believe in marriage, I'd rather commit to you in a different way" as his reason that would be one thing. But he didn't even give you a straight answer. Take marriage off the table - he doesn't take the relationship as seriously as you do. After 4 years you should at the very least be on the same page about the level and nature of the commitment.
    exactly!!

    I know a couple who have been together 55 years. They are old hippies. and they have both been on the same page the whole time and both had the same idea about their relationship. They did the open thing in the 60s, but kept coming back to eachother and were monogamous since 1970. They had some type of ceremony where someone tied their hands together and basically considered themselves "married" but were not legally married because they didn't believe the government should know. I had no idea they were not legally married when i met them. I don't think many did. They ended up getting legally married about 10 years ago because they were going to buy property and decided it made more sense to be legally married. It was to both of their benefit should one of them die also. They had a ceremony as well in a church (their beliefs had also changed since the hippie days).

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I don't think he takes you seriously. That's my take on it. He's not that interested in you and doesn't see you as marriage material, period. I don't think it's a matter of not believing in marriage. You're just not it. I'm sorry to say that.

    Yes, you should take care of yourself and you shouldn't be compromising your peace of mind or your future for someone who is lukewarm with you. I think you're selling yourself short and allowing him to manipulate you.

  3. #13
    Silver Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    He doesn't want a legal commitment.

    Some men believe "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

    Perhaps he doesn't want to lose financially should both of you divorce. Some guys think like that.

    4 years is a long time without any definite answers, visions, hopes and dreams as a couple.

    Your frustration will continue because he doesn't share your vision regarding the future. You're wasting your time and energy with him if you have marriage in mind.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    As soon as your mindset turned to "how can I get commitment from him?" the relationship was doomed. He made it clear that you two are not on the same page about the future after 4 years together. Staying in the relationship communicates to him that you are okay with the two of you never marrying. He even encouraged you to end the the relationship if marriage was a step you wanted to take.

    Believe him. Advocate for yourself. No, that does not mean continuing to try to make this man commit to you. It means making the hard, scary choice to find someone who wants to build a life with you. You have no one to blame but yourself if you stay with this man, and he never gives you what you want or leaves you for some woman he does want to marry in the future.

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  6. #15
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    I agree with all the others and please never ever compromise your values about marriage or tell yourself silly stories about how itís a social construct. Some may feel that way. But you do not. Thatís all that matters. And more importantly he very specifically does not see himself marrying you and would prefer you end things with him if you want marriage. He is being honest with you. Now be honest with yourself.

    I went on a first date with a guy once and we were in our early 20s. He told me he wasnít sure heíd ever get married and not before age 30. We got serious and we did talk about marriage. We broke up and got back together. I realized we probably werenít right together and one night by surprise to me - he proposed. I turned him down. We broke up after dating 3 years. He and I each got married in the same year about 15 years later. And we both married men.

    No I am not saying your boyfriend is gay - not in the least - what I am saying is that when a man tells you he doesnít want to commit and or wonít commit to you and breaks up or pushes a break up accept that he doesnít want to commit to you (in my case I believe he proposed to try to live a straight life. He came out to me as gay 10 years later. )

  7. #16
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    he told me that he didn't see himself marrying me.
    I'd ask myself, "Since BF has made it clear that this is the most he will ever offer me--no less, but no more--do I want to stay or go?"

    If the answer is stay, then here you are. Take marriage off the table and live in the present without trying to manipulate future goals with this guy. If the answer is go, the next question becomes, when?

  8. #17
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    You told him you were looking for marriage and he said you guys should break up if that's the case? Wow, just wow. Talk about unromantic.

    I guess you'll have to decide whether you want to stay with a guy who's not interested in marriage. Obviously he's not going to budge.

  9. #18
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    There are lots of different ways this one can play out. For instance, someone may be reluctant to get married, though they may be opened to it sometime in the future. First figure out what marriage means to you. Ask yourself why you want to be married. Then, I would suggest having another honest talk with your boyfriend. Figure out what marriage means to him. Weigh your happiness. Will you be happy not being married? I would not stress out over this at this point. I would suggest seeking the counsel of those around you that you trust.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by trulycommitt
    There are lots of different ways this one can play out. For instance, someone may be reluctant to get married, though they may be opened to it sometime in the future. First figure out what marriage means to you. Ask yourself why you want to be married. Then, I would suggest having another honest talk with your boyfriend. Figure out what marriage means to him. Weigh your happiness. Will you be happy not being married? I would not stress out over this at this point. I would suggest seeking the counsel of those around you that you trust.
    trulycommitt, I am really liking your posts, including this^^!

    I have a friend who wanted to marry her bf and he kept telling her "he's wasn't ready." For YEARS he kept telling her he wasn't "ready."

    Like your bf, he kept dismissing discussions about it too; it put a lot of pressure on the relationship and they even almost broke up a few times because of it.

    Anyway, after much thought and advice from friends and family, she decided to take it off the table (in her mind and heart) and just love him. That became what was most important, and after a year of her NOT mentioning it at all, and being perfectly happy with the status quo, guess what?

    After FIVE years he proposed marriage. They married a year later, had a beautiful wedding on the ocean, just bought a home, have two adorable dogs, and are currently trying to have a baby.

    I am not going to tell you what to do, you do what's right for you. Just wanted to share this story to make a point -- things are not always as they appear to be.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 06-05-2019 at 08:26 PM.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    It's really presumptuous to assume someone has a fear of commitment because they don't want to marry you.
    I think it's likely that he chose to date someone as young as you knowing this would be for fun.
    You take it more seriously than him, with visions of marriage etc. It's best to leave if that is what you want to pursue, find someone who is goal focused on marriage too.

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