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Thread: He tried it on with his best friend during our relationship

  1. #1

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    He tried it on with his best friend during our relationship

    I'm needing advice, my ex boyfriend 40years broke up with me just over a month ago. Although he told me "I am perfect for him, and he is so in love with me" he said he can't be perfect for me right now. He was in pieces.
    He need s space and time and I getting therapy which is fantastic. OVER THE 3 year relationship he was a big drinker and used coke & mana, he has a high pressure job in the city and has a hobby in acting also. We didn't live together but I hope we would soon, I am 40 also.
    Since the split I've had his best friend tell me he that ex asked him quite persistently for sex. Apparently it happen more than once but didn't happen as his friend is happily married to his wife.
    I've been giving my ex minimal contact, like he asked for,but now I've all sorts running through my mind.He also went on holiday with his male friend twice a year, where they would get high together.
    Should I contact him to talk this through and get my answers? I am concerned he may have been having sex with men behind my back now, but also don't want to stress him further as he is suffering atm.
    Any help would be fantastic.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    He is a using addict... is this really something you want to take on in a relationship? You won't be able to fix him or prevent him from using... and he will continue to behave in ever worsening insane ways until he hits a bottom (hopefully before something drastic happens). Add to this that he is either bi-sexual or in-the-closet gay and you add even more uncertainty and instability to the mix.

    Should I contact him to talk this through and get my answers? I am concerned he may have been having sex with men behind my back now, but also don't want to stress him further as he is suffering atm.
    He broke up with you. Why does it matter if he is having sex with men behind your back when you are broken up? Are you hoping to get back together with him?

    I suggest focusing on moving on working on finding the reasons that you are attracted to such men in the first place... this will help you find a relationship with someone that is at a healthier place in their life.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Let's just spell this out really quick and clear. The facts are as follows: Your ex-boyfriend, who broke up with you, is a regular drug user who is currently propositioning married men for sex. That sentence, in and of itself, should be reason to be moving far, far, far away from this man.

    Think about it like this. You're single right now. Let's say you and I were pals and I wanted to set you up with a guy friend of mine. I describe him like this: "He's pretty great, smart and good looking. He's also a serious drug user who is an emotional mess and into having sex with men on the down low." Would you ask me to introduce you to him? I highly doubt it.

    I know it's hard, as all breakups are. But over is over, and in this case it sounds like this man has done you a great life favor in ending things so you can heal and eventually find someone who is stable, genuinely compatible with you, and not into having sex with men. To walk that path, as maew said, I'd be turning the lens inward and trying to better understand why you found yourself drawn to this guy in the first place. There are important lessons there.

  4. #4
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    I think you should focus on why you were with an addict for three years. Move on from this creep who is hitting on his best friend-who is married- (yuck) and understand why you were with a man like this. Good Lord. This guy is bottom of the barrel. You should be happy you are away from this piece of garbage. Why do you think that he would be honest with you?

    You need to be tested and get some therapy.

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  6. #5

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    This is one reason to ask if it is true, I've no proof he has actually had sex with someone. He's a really good man with some issues he's trying to fix....I can see how from the outside this sounds horrific , but he's very well educated and travelled and has a beautiful heart....yes I know love can be blind, I'm a rational woman and know my own mind, I think I just want closure and answer
    s as we were together when this supposedly happened. He has never given me a reason to his sudden decision to end our relationship.
    Last edited by Lauelle; 06-03-2019 at 12:21 PM. Reason: Spelling

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by Lauelle
    This is one reason to ask if it is true, I've no proof he has actually had sex with someone. He's a really good man with some issues he's trying to fix....I can see how from the outside this sounds horrific , but he's very well educated and travelled and has a beautiful heart....yes I know love can be blind, I'm a rational woman and know my own mind, I think I just want closure and answer
    s as we were together when this supposedly happened. He has never given me a reason to his sudden decision to end our relationship.
    You think that he would be truthful? If that is the case, i have a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you. Don't be so naive.

    He is an addict and propositioning married men. He sounds like a real prize. You need to address your co dependence. He does not love you, or he would not have dumped you.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Lauelle
    This is one reason to ask if it is true, I've no proof he has actually had sex with someone. He's a really good man with some issues he's trying to fix....I can see how from the outside this sounds horrific , but he's very well educated and travelled and has a beautiful heart....yes I know love can be blind, I'm a rational woman and know my own mind, I think I just want closure and answer
    s as we were together when this supposedly happened. He has never given me a reason to his sudden decision to end our relationship.
    No one needs to give a reason for ending things, and the truth is that most people can't because they don't really know. Whatever they say, be it clumsy or elegant, is really just a shot in the dark, nothing to latch onto for "closure." Closure comes from within, over time, by accepting that over is over is over.

    I wrote in another thread that breakups all boil down to a simple equation: that ex is always greater than the sum of why.

    Trying to figure out the "why" is just opening doors into wormholes that never end, because the end has already happened. Opening doors is the opposite of closure.

    I get that he's a good guy with a good heart—I believe you. He's also a guy who is into drugs, broke up with you, and is repeatedly propositioning a married man for sex. If that's not a steel door closing, I don't know what is.

  9. #8
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    I'm curious why you got involved with an addict in the first place? What attracted you to this dynamic?

  10. #9

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    Thanks I know you guys are right, guess I am in love with him still.
    I'm going to seek some therapy and try and get over this relationship, heartbreak is so scrappy! :(

  11. #10

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    I didn't know he was a user straight away. Then it was just every now and then.
    I've never used any drugs I only drink, he liked that about me as it helped him use less, I believe his ex girl friends / wife dabbled at the weekends also.

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