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Thread: Did he try and “fakeup” with me and I just took his bluff seriously?

  1. #1

    Did he try and “fakeup” with me and I just took his bluff seriously?

    I’m sorry for such a long message, there is a lot of go through. And I need some clarity and advice.
    I was dating this guy for a year and six months. It was definitely rocky but we were really in love. He wanted to marry me, he was pretty much happy to elope whenever I was ready. Our connection was really strong and he was really caring. Except he had a really strong jealousy and controlling streak. He did acknowledge it and tried to change. But his insecurities were too strong. He always felt he wasn’t good enough, he was self conscious about his looks and always worried about his future.
    His insecurities would flair up when I hung out with friends, family too much without him or if I talked about travelling plans that didn’t involve him.
    A couple of months ago my friend and I went away together. I was worried that he would freak out but, at first, he didn’t. He was relaxed the entire time. However, after I got back, he lost his . He started accusing me of not caring for him and not giving me enough attention. Then he started being really rude to my friends. It built up over a week and then he had a melt down. He screamed at me, he said I didn’t care for him and my friend was trying to manipulate me. He was so upset. I told him he was being a head and he needed to leave. He slammed the door and sped off in his car.
    He gave me space after the fight. He approached me in a public setting and asked if it was okay for us to talk. I agreed and he gave me a geniune apology. He acknowledge how insane he was being. He explained how he just couldn’t shake the anxiety that I didn’t care for him anymore. I forgave him and our relationship continued. However I think from that moment on I was a bit turned off him. I was falling out of love with him. I really cherished who he was but it was so hard being with him.
    His behaviour continued to spiral negatively. He started to become increasing critical of his best friends and his family. Really judgemental and rude for no reason.
    Prior to the break up, we caught the train home together. He had just started his new college. We had made loose plans for me to start next year and we could finish college together. However I told him I had changed plans and instead I wanted to go to art school. He lost his mind. He screamed at me the whole train ride home, so much so, someone on the train intervened and told him he was being a head to me and that I could do better.
    After that, I said “I don’t know what to do with this relationship, I think we are growing apart”.
    He started hysterically crying. He said he also didn’t know what to do. We ended up making up but i think we both felt the rift between us.
    Over the next week, I couldn’t be bothered to text him, our conversations were short and quick. I saw him at our church and he was really short and partially ignored me.
    The next day i called him up and I cried, I told him “I think he needs to do his own thing because we have different ideas on life. Maybe we should go on a break for a week and then decide what to do.” He was really relaxed about it and said okay but I shouldnt cry because we’d fix everything in a week.
    Over that week I kept thinking how much joy he gave me, outside of our fights. I had changed my mind on the break. We met up and I told him even though we had a lot of issues I wanted to work through them with him. When it was his turn to speak he said he didn’t think the same, he didn’t want to keep fighting, he thought we should be grateful for the past year and six months and go our seperate ways. At told him we shouldn’t and then I said if he wanted to go his own way I’d support him. Except he brushed me off and just kept talking about himself, not actually saying he wanted to break up. He kept saying things that would get a reaction out of me. I cut in and said “yeah I think we should breakup! I want too”.
    He suddenly burst into tears and said ”oh I didn’t think this would actually happen”. The following hour he cried and tried to ask to stay. He said “I regret this so much, this is the biggest mistake of my life. I regret not working on my issues prior”. He kept saying “Don’t ask me to explain why I said those things”
    He said he didn’t know how to explain why he asked to breakup.
    He said he thought I was so talented, beautiful and the best kisser he’d ever met. He said he’d leave if I wanted him to but if I wanted him to stay he would. I told him I wanted him to leave. He hugged me tightly, and kept looking back as he tried very slowly to leave.
    After he left he immediately deleted all of the Instagram pictures of us and removed our relationship status.

    That evening his friend from college came to me and said he thinks he broke up with me because he was crushing on someone else at his new college. I knew he was flirtaous but this caught me off guard. After everything, it made no sense for him to have a crush on someone else. He always showed me off, invited me to his new college friends hangouts. I was all over his Instagram and he even talked to his college friends about marrying me. But the gossip got to me.

    I was so so angry at him. I felt so taken advantage of. So I called him two days after. He picked up after 1 ring and sounded frantically relieved I had called. At first I was really calm, I told him I was going to block him on everything, not to be petty but to get over him. I told him that I do love him very much but the best thing I can do for him is leave for good. He didnt say a word. I hung up before he could respond. But I was so overwhelmed by emotions and I felt the build up from how he had treated me over the past year. I called him back and went off at him. I told him everything I thought and how we would never get back together, that he had played and broken my heart because he was so immature. I was really hysteric. He finally replied and said “I don’t know what you want me to do. I know that this is unfair on you but I’ve made my choice and I have to be a man and stick to it.” Then he said he wanted to meet up with me so we could talk one more time and he could show he does care about me and that he isn’t the worst person in the world.
    He called me the day after and was really flippant and mean. He pretended he didn’t care and kept saying how he made the right choice. But he said he definitely wanted to see me again. I told him I’d text him but I never did.

    That friend who told me the gossip came to me and told me he is sure him and this new girl are a thing. When I asked him to explain he had no information or real evidence except he “just thought so”. I spoke to him again a couple weeks later and said him and this new girl were going on dates. Except he back tracked straight after and said they were group dates and back tracked again to that they barely talk anymore.
    After telling me all this infomation he started hitting on me and was saying I could rely on him for any relationship support. (I think he was lying so I’d fall on him after my ex. This friend has always had a thing for me)

    I have seen my ex twice after the breakup. One time at a wedding and he came up to me with tears in his eyes and his face was bright red. He tried to make small talk him me and it was really awkward. He got me alone for a second and he immediately apologised for never messaging me, he said he “didn’t want to force me to talk to him”.
    The second time I saw him was at a gathering. He called out to me from across the foyer but I just ignored him because that gossip was swirling in my head. This “new girl” was there that day so it was weird he made such an effort to say hi if he was seeing her.
    This “new girl” viewed my Instagram story after I saw him that day however. So he clearly has been talking about me to her.

    It’s been two months no contact and Im still so confused. I have been on dates with two new guys. But I just didn’t have the same connection. I want to try and move on but he was really special to me. He is immature but he did have some really lovely potential. He was extremely generous with his time and money and he really looked after me.

    I guess I need some closure on why he wanted to breakup. I think he was trying to protect himself by making it a “mutual” choice instead of me breaking up with him. And then I suprised him by wanting to stay together.

    I don’t know what to do from here. I want to talk to him again. He hasn’t messaged me and I’m not sure why.
    Do you think he’ll ever contact me first? Or should I unblock him and show him that I don’t hate him to get the ball rolling?
    Would it be worth it getting back together?
    Other than travel, we agree of pretty much everything and our connection was really strong. He always went above and beyond for me.

  2. #2
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    Forget this guy, OP. No, it won't be worth getting back together.

    He is too emotionally unstable and immature for a serious relationship, and your ego is clouding your better judgment here. You're backpedaling because it stings to know you're not the object of desire anymore but please re-read what you wrote. You paint a picture of a miserable person who was a jerk to you, many times over. You say your connection was "strong" but this is the same boy who would throw a tantrum and berate you and make a scene in public if he didn't get his way. He is controlling and jealous to a disturbing degree.

    Him wanting to elope was also a by-product of his control. Don't confuse that as a sign of love. It sounds as though you two are still quite young, so my guess is he wanted to marry you as a way of making sure you didn't leave him. Not because it was a well-thought-out and mature plan, a decision culminating from a healthy basis of love and mutual respect.

    Your instinct to end it before was bang-on. I know it hurts that he's moved on, but I can just about promise you that this wouldn't have been the guy you stay with forever. You were unhappy with him and walking on eggshells to avoid blow-ups. The chances that it would have gotten better are extremely slim, because he doesn't really take responsibility for his anger and control problems. More than likely, it would have gotten worse. People like him will always demand you jump higher and more frequently to meet their unrealistic expectations. One of my exes was like this; believe me when I say I have never once regretted finally ending it, and eventually moving on to a happier and healthier relationship with a man who wouldn't dream of treating me that way.

    What you two had was an unhealthy attachment and a warped sense of love. This isn't the stuff long-lasting and happy relationships are made of. Even if he did return, it's extremely unlikely to work out in the end.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Cope's Avatar
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    What MissCanuck said. Not worth getting back together. He threw a tantrum because you wanted to go to another college? No no no nope. Trust the guy on the train, you can do better. It is indeed your ego talking now, and it's normal, just don't give in to it. Stay no contact and I promise you, everything will start getting clearer and you'll see him for what he really is.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    All the red flags for a potential abuser. Quick involvement, possessive, controlling, anger, poor me, etc. Google and read up on red flags for abusers and controlling relationships. Confide in trusted friends and family about what is really going on. Be honest. Stop buying into his poor me excuses. Don't try to reason, negotiate with him or believe that you can fix or change him. End it cleanly and quickly. Delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps.
    Originally Posted by EmilyArthur
    He wanted to marry me, he was pretty much happy to elope whenever I was ready.
    he had a really strong jealousy and controlling streak.
    He started accusing me of not caring for him
    He screamed at me

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  6. #5
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    He never wanted to marry you.
    There was no proposal.
    The term he used was elope!
    That means run away and leave everything you know , everyone you know behind so that you are under his control. Only.

    Lucky escape!!!

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    "His insecurities would flair up when I hung out with friends, family too much without him or if I talked about travelling plans that didn’t involve him."

    I had a boyfriend just like this for 2 years in my teen years. At the end of that relationship, even at that young age, I had the brains to dump him. And yes, my bf also had really lovely qualities, too. But good qualities should never outweigh dealbreakers.

    In the future, learn to cut guys from your life as soon as you see a dealbreaker such as controlling and possessiveness. You're not over him, so your heart is not open to be barrier-free with any other guy.

    Take this time to mourn so you can heal, which means going no contact. Tell your friends you don't want to hear news of him. Learn to enjoy your solo time, time with girlfriends and hobbies. You don't need a man to fulfill any void within you. You should be fulfilled within yourself, and then you will be a good partner to someone and will attract emotionally healthy guys instead of guys who possess red flags.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    He is immature but he did have some really lovely potential
    A potential which exists only in your head and will likely never be fulfilled. Never, ever, get into or stay in a relationship with someone for their "potential" vs. the reality of who they are... which in his case is an immature tyrant that can't handle your independence and self-esteem.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member JA0371's Avatar
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    Wow, you dodged a bullet with this one. The fact that he would even scream at you in public tells me what a loser he is. You CAN and you WILL do better!!!


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