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is this jealousy and a red flag?


meat50

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I'll try to be concise ;D. I was married for over 20 years, been divorced for about 4 years. Started dating recently and met someone I really like. We've been dating a few months. However, a few things happened and since I've been out of the dating scene for so long was wondering if am over thinking things or are they red flags? Here are 3 instances that happened over the past few months:

 

1. A coworker (female) texted me outside of work hours(I tell people that they can text me if something important arises outside of work) to tell me about something that happened during the day that she didn't get a chance to tell me during the day. I shared it with my GF as we were together at that moment. I responded to the text and I thought that was the end of it. Then my GF started asking me questions like why is she texting you?(btw. I'm the boss) Is she married?

 

I told her the truth (obviously) that she was married (I added that of course there is no attraction-there isn't) and she was just letting me know something that happened in work. Typically people do not text me outside of work (but they can if they need to) but she wanted me to know about it. My GF told me she was upset about it and I asked why. She felt that she shouldn't be texting me outside of work. But what struck me as strange was that the next morning she told me she was wearing something sexy the night before and didn't show me because this person texted me.

 

2. Went out with my friends for dinner. During the night, I spoke with her, naturally, and spoke with my friends as well. I included her in conversation. She seemed comfortable. She was even having her own conversations of which I was not a part. Throughout the night, I also put my arm around her. Fine, right? Later that night, she said that I barely spoke with her and ignored her. We got into a deep discussion about it. I was trying to understand what I had done but wasn't getting it (I'm an imbecile?). The next day, she apologized and said that I did not do anything wrong and that it's her insecurity. She said that she was too sensitive. (her words)

 

3. We went out for drinks and later that night when we were home she said that I was looking at another woman and not paying attention to her. I truly was not looking at anyone else. I would have said so if I was. We got into an argument about that and I said if you're going to accuse me of doing anything, please make sure that I actually do it (I know - jerky thing to say).

 

So, my question is: we've been seeing each other for a few months so do these seem like "red flags" or am I over analyzing things?

 

PS - she also told me that she was considering asking to move in - already!

 

I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed when it comes to relationships but this just seems like strange/ unexpected behavior or am I making too much of it?

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This is absolutely a red flag! :-)

 

I have been in a couple relationships where I experienced "weird" jealousy behavior out of nowhere...and both times I regretted not listening to that inner voice.

 

In addition, she's punishing you for that call by telling you about the sexy attire she didn't let you see? That's messed up manipulation there.

 

It sounds like she's kinda aware of her issues, but not able to control them.

 

There's bound to be more to come...and it's only going to get worse. If you ARE going to stick with this girl...do NOT put up with it. Let her know that she used up her freebie, and the next time you're walking.

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Actually your tools are pretty sharp, or at least your red flag radar is finely tuned.

 

Because buddy? Um, no. Not good. Remember this fact of dating: what you get from someone in the early months is their absolute best. What she's showing you is that even on her best behavior she's prone to some pretty irrational thinking and controlling tendencies. Yeah, she's a touch aware of them, but I'd encourage you not to mistake the bait of awareness for a meal. Think about what happens to fish when they do that. They get hooked, caught, eaten. It's often the same with people.

 

Imagine being in a relationship where a female employee texts you on Saturday when you're lounging at home with your girlfriend. Girlfriend doesn't even ask who it is, and if it comes up that it's Debbie for work she doesn't bat an eye. Imagine later that night you go to a nice dinner with your girlfriend and some friends, the conversation flows, and in the car on the way to drinks afterward she says, "That was great!" Then you go out for drinks, have fun, and then have lots of fun alone afterward.

 

That's all not only possible, but should be baseline stuff. Your girlfriend isn't calibrated for that, as she has shown you.

 

In your shoes I'd do exactly what Cinder said: she got her freebie, but there's no more of this nonsense. If the nonsense continues, you move on. There are far better ways to feel close and hot with someone that playing these sandbox games and then having makeup sex.

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As a woman who is in your age range and in the dating world, I'm telling you: Yes, these are red flags.

 

I text my (male) boss all the time outside of working hours. If his wife had a problem with it, I'd have a problem with her. Especially since you responded to her right in front of your girlfriend; it's not like you tried to hide anything.

 

And....whaaaaaat......she's already asking about moving in???

 

Here's my advice:

 

If you like her & want to continue, then have a heart-to-heart, sit-down conversation and get it through to her that this stuff, this ain't ok.

 

This is about stuff other guys have done to her in her past, not about you.

 

If she doesn't get it, or it continues, then you'll need to move on.

 

And she needs to shut that move-in sh*t down, right now.

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Imagine being in a relationship where a female employee texts you on Saturday when you're lounging at home with your girlfriend. Girlfriend doesn't even ask who it is, and if it comes up that it's Debbie for work she doesn't bat an eye. Imagine later that night you go to a nice dinner with your girlfriend and some friends, the conversation flows, and in the car on the way to drinks afterward she says, "That was great!" Then you go out for drinks, have fun, and then have lots of fun alone afterward.

That's all not only possible, but should be baseline stuff. Your girlfriend isn't calibrated for that, as she has shown you.

 

Right????!!

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LHGirl,

Thanks for the insight. Not sure if I even want to continue. I'm not sure I really want this shiat in my life right now.

BTW, a male colleague texted her once and she told me what it was about. I was like "ok, cool" then we went out to dinner. NBD

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BTW, a male colleague texted her once and she told me what it was about. I was like "ok, cool" then we went out to dinner. NBD

 

Boom.

 

So, speaking frankly, find an equal with your values, not someone you want to teach to feel like an equal or help polish her values where she knows they're lacking.

 

I briefly dated someone last year who showed some of these signs. Posted about it here a bit, as it all had me twisted up pretty good for minute. But I detached, let go, and pretty quickly after this stuff surfaced. It's just not in me to put up with it, one way or another. I've now been dating someone for the past 5 months that, wherever it goes, I know would never, ever hit this sort of terrain. It's literally not in her being, the instinct of this stuff, the same way it's not in mine.

 

And you know what? It's really nice.

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I think your girlfriend is dramatic.

 

You've explained to your girlfriend that your married female coworker texted you outside work but it was work related, not personal. I would've been ok with that.

 

Your girlfriend sounds very insecure if she has to wear something sexy the night before and suddenly changes her mind due to the text. It sounds like mind games.

 

She admitted that she's too sensitive.

 

Hope you don't have a roving eye because women notice that right away even it it was once. Since you denied it, she should believe you especially if you know in your heart that you guard your eyes because your girlfriend would appreciate it and you're not the type to ogle or leer.

 

If you've only been dating for a few months and arguing already, yes this is a red flag. However, before she moves in, give her a chance and see how dating her exclusively will progress or not. You really don't know a person well after only a few months. Both of you need in depth, lengthy, in person discussions to quell fears of insecurity and doubt. I don't think you should discard this relationship just yet. Talk it out calmly and maturely. Both of you need to grow. Too many people give up too early without getting to know a person very well first and work on the relationship.

 

If that doesn't work, then consider whether or not she is the one for you.

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I am insecure as hell. Some of lovely people here do know about it. Give her a chance. Don't give up just yet. I certainly improved since me and my man started.

Yes, there are red flags but if the other things are good, than let things unfold.

Focus on the positive things and if you will gather enough data than make a decision. This is very fragile period for you both.

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Yeah I agree with the others that these things are alarming. To be honest even if you were not the boss at work, in some cases people can be friends or acquaintances with opposite gender friends from work. My fiance has some women from his work on his Facebook (as well as men) because he works in a small, tightly knit company. If this woman only messaged you since you are the boss and it's important, plus she is married, then there really shouldn't be a big deal at all. Your girlfriend does sound very insecure and jealous.

 

What happened on the night out with friends is also not good and very insecure on her part.

 

Regarding her saying you were looking at another woman and you WEREN'T looking for another woman, that's even worse than the other two. That is some serious paranoia if she's imagining you're looking at other women, when you're not. And also to add to that, we are all human beings, we are visual creatures. When I'm out with my fiance, if I see a hot person, I might linger and look at them briefly. But I have no intention of doing anything about it. If every time there's a woman around you and your girlfriend makes a big deal, that would drive anyone nuts pretty quickly.

 

If you really like her, you could try talking to her about all this. Say that you really like her, care about her and are doing your best to be a good boyfriend. Ask her to trust you and work on your insecurities. If she doesn't try to change/doesn't change then it might be time to end it. I understand if she has insecurity issues but who wants to be walking on eggshells in their relationship all the time? It's not your responsibility to constantly reassure her when you've done nothing wrong. It's her responsibility to work on her issues and to trust people. If she doesn't want to change then she'll end up a very lonely person.

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'Remember, there's cute jealous and then there's Othello.'

 

In my view, your girlfriend's behaviour isn't 'cute jealous' at all. If you text colleagues (whether male or female) about work related matters or even if you were talking to them about a recent movie you have seen, it shouldn't matter. Your girlfriend either trusts you or she doesn't. But giving you the third degree? Major red flag.

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It does sound like you like her and it is early on.

 

You've noticed these things, she's admitted it's an issue, but I too think you should give her a chance.

 

If these behaviors continue, let her know that it can't work like that.

 

But no one is perfect and she might have been really hurt in the past. I'm not condoning this behavior but maybe she needs a bit more time to feel safe with you.

 

As for the moving in, no, far too early and that shouldn't even be a discussion right now.

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Agree. Red flags. This is a high maintenance headache that will grow and get worse. No amount of reassurances will assuage this woman's insecurities and baggage. On this trajectory, you can expect to be policed, interrogated, accused and snooped on. Your life will no longer be your own. Be grateful this stuff has shown up soon enough to escape fairly easily.

 

It's only a few mos, so cut your losses. Don't give her a specific or critical reason. Use the 'It's me, not you' approach. This sounds like a key the car, boil the bunny, show up at your work place and make a scene type. Having someone like this move in would be like inviting a prison guard to commandeer your home and sanity away from you.

She felt that she shouldn't be texting me outside of work

she said that I barely spoke with her and ignored her.

she said that I was looking at another woman

she also told me that she was considering asking to move in - already!

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Nothing wrong with your instincts at all. This woman is bat shaite as they say.

 

The biggest red flag is that after barely two months, she is already angling to move in with you. That alone should send you running. The rest, I can't dismiss as she is a bit insecure give her a chance, because she is also manipulative and punishing. An employee texted you, she didn't like it, made her feel insecure, so she punished you for that. That's a dangerous mentality and yeah, bunny boiler, slash your tires variety. These are more than red flags, these are flashing bright neon stop do not go further signs.

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As others have said, sounds like big red flags. Relationships are based on trust and if your partner can't trust you from the beggining while you've done nothing wrong, it's not likely not to get any better. She sounds pretty clingly and toxic, imo. If she's getting mad at you for having conversation with your friends at a social event, what is she's going to do next? Forbid you from seeing your friends? I'd honestly leave her before it gets too late, controlling relationships usually start with small things like these before it escalates into bigger things.

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