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Thread: Best friend asked me for date

  1. #1

    Best friend asked me for date

    I have been aromanitc -if this is the right term- since my ex-girlfriend cheated on me several years ago, and have been pretty consistent with the mental state up to now.
    I do have a desire to have sex, and have had some but never felt romantic at all. The desire is driven physiologically and pretty mechanical.
    Currently, I am in a totally different environment. I am still mentally weak, but I have a very good friend who has been my personal support for the past few years.
    She is asking me for a date. She expressed her romantic feelings to me, and I felt quite happy to hear that. I responded positively, but have not yet revealed my condition and the history.
    The condition is such that I do have a sexual desire but I would not be concerned if she is having a sexual relationship with someone else. I don't know if this is normal, but at least I don't think that is the case from my past experience.
    I have full respect towards my best friend and I am happy to move on to the next stage of the relationship. But that is also the reason I feel disloyal about not disclosing my aromantic state. But then, I don't want her to have the impression that I am only interested in having sex.
    I guess my real question is, would I ever get out of my current aromantic state over time if I continue to pretend that I do have romantic feelings toward her?

  2. #2
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Don't pretend to do anything.

    If she is truly a good friend, you should be able to talk to her honestly and tell her what you said here. She'll either accept it or reject it, but you'll be a lot happier if you don't start spinning lies about what you want.

  3. #3
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    You must tell her.

  4. #4
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Be honest and tell her the truth just as you had posted. Let her determine whether or not she wants the type of relationship you have in mind. Then both of you will be either in mutual agreement or revert to a platonic, precious friendship instead. Tread lightly.

    Miscommunication and / or not revealing the truth all along causes dear friendships to lead to estrangement quickly.

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  6. #5
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Sounds like you're looking for FWB and nothing else. You need to tell her the truth.

  7. #6
    We decided to keep a platonic relationship for now. Thanks guys

  8. #7
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'm curious, I admit, to hear more about what you mean by "aromantic"? Is it that you've kind of sworn of romance—part consciously, part instinctively, part protectively—to avoid the pain of being hurt by someone you connect with?

    As for your friend, it's honestly kind of hard for me to understand your dilemma. Is it that you're cool if she's sleeping with other people, or dating other people, even while asking you on a date? Because, for a lot of people, that's almost an assumption. Or is that you already know, right now, that you're down to have sex with her but you're not feeling the deeper sparks?

    If it's the latter, you just be clear, and tell her exactly that. If it's the former—well, that's dating, though it sounds like you remain pretty scarred about the idea of dating. Kind of sounds like you'd prefer someone to "cheat" on you from the outset—i.e. not take you seriously and sleep with others—so you don't have to risk getting hurt again like you did years ago.

  9. #8
    There seems to exist a sexual orientation of being "aromantic", symptoms including both desire and antipathy of sex. Although, since I acquired it a posteriori, I may not be categorized as such.
    I have a complete lack of possessiveness towards the partner, hence the condition. If the partner is cheating/polyamorous/whatever, I would think it is impossible to maintain a romantic relationship, and not be jealous at the same time. By this, I define romantic affection.
    Perhaps you are right about being scarred about the idea of dating. However, the scar seems to be deep under the subconscious part I don't seem to have control on.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Rather than make it this over complicated, tell her you only want fwb or casual sex rather than an exclusive dating situation. This way she can decide whether she wants to proceed. Don't send confusing messages such as "I don't want romance but I'm not only interested in sex". If she is your friend, be straight up that you do not want a relationship. Don't string people along. Your past isn't an excuse to be unkind to anyone.
    Originally Posted by janikikei
    She is asking me for a date. She expressed her romantic feelings to me, and I felt quite happy to hear that. I responded positively, but have not yet revealed my condition and the history.

    I have full respect towards my best friend and I am happy to move on to the next stage of the relationship.
    I continue to pretend that I do have romantic feelings toward her?

  11. #10
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I'm curious, I admit, to hear more about what you mean by "aromantic"? Is it that you've kind of sworn of romance—part consciously, part instinctively, part protectively—to avoid the pain of being hurt by someone you connect with?

    As for your friend, it's honestly kind of hard for me to understand your dilemma. Is it that you're cool if she's sleeping with other people, or dating other people, even while asking you on a date? Because, for a lot of people, that's almost an assumption. Or is that you already know, right now, that you're down to have sex with her but you're not feeling the deeper sparks?

    If it's the latter, you just be clear, and tell her exactly that. If it's the former—well, that's dating, though it sounds like you remain pretty scarred about the idea of dating. Kind of sounds like you'd prefer someone to "cheat" on you from the outset—i.e. not take you seriously and sleep with others—so you don't have to risk getting hurt again like you did years ago.
    I think he meant to say a-romantic, meaning not romantic.


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