Defining relationship after less than two months

Hi all, I have been seeing a new guy I matched on a dating app for 1.5 months now.

He has been nice to me and I had no doubts about his affection for me. He planned dates, picked me off work, wanted to extend dates and started calling me every night and texting good morning daily. He’s attentive and patient with me.

After around five or six dates we got intimate. I have doubts about him as he tried repeatedly to want to have unprotected sex for his pleasure when he knows I don’t like that.

Long story short, I feel he was pretty into me howevee recently I brought up in text whether I’m his girlfriend (after he said I was his baby and only baby). He said that he didn’t want to rush into another relationship (he had gotten out of a long term relationship half a year ago) but that he won’t be going after any other women.

This, combined with his repeated requests (to have unprotected sex) make me doubt whether I was just used and if he’s a player (he was when he was young).

So my question is - is he not into me and just taking me for a ride? If he’s into me why not give me the label? He knows I can easily go out and meet new guys. Is he just taking his time before committing??!

I know month and a half is too short to know someone, but I’m asking to be a gf not wife.

He's into you, all right. As much as he can manage.

He doesn't want to give you the girlfriend label, because he doesn't want you to be his girlfriend. There's no mystery here. He can call you his one and only baby until his head falls off, but he's showing you through his actions that you're nothing more than a booty call.

Moving forward means moving forward. Start seeing other guys and fade this one out.

I’m only a booty call here ?

I wouldn't want to continue with someone who repeatedly pushed for unprotected sex. To me, that says a lot about his character and it would be a turn-off. Whatever you do, do not give in to this. You don't know him well enough to know where he's been before or if he might expose you to something you cannot cure.

I prefer to build relationships with men who respect my feelings and don't try to push the boundaries when I've already been clear that I am not comfortable with something. That type of entitlement and lack of consideration usually isn't limited to the bedroom, in my experience.

Next.

My take, as a guy, is that this is doomed.

I'm not saying he doesn't care about you...but he's made it clear about 2 things:

1 - You caved on the unprotected sex issue. That's kinda a red flag about his character, and yours to be honest. He knows he can have his way. I.E. you're not someone he respects. I.E. he will get bored with you.

2 - He TOLD you he's not ready for that next step. It could be because he's still healing, or because he's not into you enough. Either way - listen to this.

I think if you just make him less of a priority, he'll regain his interest in you, and maybe go the GF route. It's game playing, but it kinda works. It sounds like he likes you enough...but isn't ready to commit. Just be less available...make dates with other guys....don't invest fully in him. I know it sucks when you really like someone, but you have to protect yourself, and you also have to show him that you're WORTH him making his mind up. He has to know you'll walk.

The unprotected sex requests don't make him a player but they do indicate that he is selfish, irresponsible and doesn't respect your boundaries so it is a yellow flag. As for whether he is into you or not, he told you that you two are exclusive so I would not necessarily rule out that he likes you. If you feel used, then stop giving whatever benefits you feel uncomfortable giving out. If you feel that you need the girlfriend label when it comes to certain benefits then explain that to him. And do it in person. Communicating such serious issues through texts is immature and a recipe for misunderstandings. Share your thoughts and wishes with him in person and see what happens.

Sorry to say this, but you tried to have the relationship talk and he said he is not interested in you being his girlfriend. Believe him. Words are cheap and he is enjoying the ride but doesn't want to commit. I doubt that will change. I personally hate this era of "casual" relationships and understand your frustration. He wants you to make excuses for him and invest, despite him not giving you what you want.

Draw the hard line. Let him know that you'd love to keep seeing him and have been having a great time, but that what you are looking for is a serious relationship. If he can't be that guy, it's time for you to bounce.

The unprotected sex thing is a red flag to me. I don't think he's that into you in terms of relationship potential (or he wouldn't have ruined his chances of a future relationship with you by saying he doesn't want it outright), but at the same time I don't think these conversations should be had by text. The fact that he wants a casual relationship doesn't mean that he only wants you for sex or only using you for sex though. Believe me, I want to find a life partner and all I've been coming across is this "casual vibe" guys. They like your company, think you're great, plan dates, text, it's not just "sex and bye" and all that, but never want to take the next step to commit or get all nervous and scared if you have a conversation with him about the status of the relationship.

I think that after 2 or 3 months of consistent dating a guy that is interested in a relationship won't be scared of such conversation. I never understood the panic, the "it's too soon" 3 months down the line when people date consistently. It'd be another story with sporadic dating, not having meaningful conversations or in the first weeks of dating (that's too much too soon).

But now that you know where he stands the ball is on your court. If you can live with a casual relationship that's all fine, but if you want something more serious, I wouldn't expect it from this guy.

I asked after only 1.5 months and not 2 or 3 months though.

Would your view be any different?

I think 1.5 months is PLENTY of time to date before having "The talk."

Honestly...once you start having sex with someone on a regular basis exclusively, you're basically bf/gf...even if you don't have the talk.

When you like someone, you like them and want to be with them only. If you want to date and have options with others...then you're just looking for someone better.

What's important at this point, is what you're willing to put up with. If you're happy having him around and you think you might be able to talk him into protected sex at all time, then just don't worry about labels.

But if you're wanting a relationship and he's not willing to have one at this time, you have to figure out if you want to wait or move on.

I'm in basic agreement with what's being said here.

I do have to say that I find it a bit odd to have that "talk" over text. A bit passive, no? I've generally found the "bf/gf" label is best when it evolves from a few warm talks.

That said, his response is telling. I don't mean that to sound alarm bells that he's got you quarantined in the booty call box—he might, he might not—but you now basically have to accept if you're okay continuing without things being as defined as you'd maybe like.

Me, I'd feel a bit "rushed" having that talk after 1.5 months, even if I was full-in with someone, fully hoping things progressed to bf/gf. But that's just me, and I've found that my most successful bf/gf relationships have come with others who share that idea. If he doesn't share yours this might be a good time to ask whether he's right for you.

I’m only a booty call here ?

More like FWB.

He told you that he doesn't want a relationship with you. If you want a relationship, then cut ties with this guy.

The unprotected sex things is a no, no! Glad you stood your ground. He is being disrespectful.

I asked after only 1.5 months and not 2 or 3 months though.

 

Would your view be any different?

NO. Are you reading what people are saying? Damn, it has only been 1.5 months, why are you so invested in this guy? The unprotected sex thing should have made you want to walk.

What reason has he given you for his insistance on having unprotected sex?

Please tell me he didn't trot out the old tired "it's like taking a shower with a raincoat on" line.

What reason has he given you for his insistance on having unprotected sex?

 

Please tell me he didn't trot out the old tired "it's like taking a shower with a raincoat on" line.

LOL I've never heard that line but that's hilarious!

The most used excuse I've heard about is how the condom takes out the pleasure lol

He's just using you for unprotected sex.

He's not interested in a commitment even as a bf / gf relationship.

Time to end it with him. You're wasting your time, energy and resources on a guy who isn't serious nor respectful.

So my question is - is he not into me and just taking me for a ride? If he’s into me why not give me the label?

You're just somebody who is convenient when he wants sex. He doesn't want a relationship with you. You're more like fwb and the next time he pushes for unprotected sex show him the door. In fact, YOU should head for the door and keep walking and never look back.

He seems very smitten and attentive all the way around, picking you up, taking you out, and texting; however, there seems to be a bit of "overkill." As said many, many times on the board, guys who run hot, tend to burn out fast (women too), so I say proceed with caution. He seems to be giving off interested vibes, but the high level of attention is worrisome to me. That with the fact he doesn't want the label...could be a problem. I really have a hard time differentiating, because if he states exclusive, but the label of GF is off the table, then what in the world is it? To me, it's BF/GF if you've agreed to exclusivity, but then again, refusing the lable seems like keeping a foot in the door for a quick exit. It's only been roughly 6 weeks, and anything can change when the honeymoon phase reaches an end. Unprotected sex - get tested, both of you and be done with it, but of course having that label and agreement puts a level of trust there will be no outside flings, so keep insisting on protection.

I think you need to proceed with caution. Don't make him your one and only. Prioritize other parts of your life and relax. Let this naturally progress. He makes me a little nervous, but his other actions show an interest, so I don't think you need to completely sever this, but take inventory on if this guy is genuine and what you want. Does he brush aside other things you want/don't want and push against them? Does he make you uncomfortable in other areas? Will his communication and interest suddenly take a dip now that you've had this discussion and slept together? No guarantees here. Make sure he is not your only priority, including dating others if you want to, but don't give up other plans for him all the time.

He told me it’s because I always gets mad at him that he wanted to not rush and see

And it’s true I always gets mad for trivial unreasonable things and in order to get him to care and show affection for me

And it’s true I always gets mad for trivial unreasonable things and in order to get him to care and show affection for me

Whoa.

Well, now we get into chicken vs. egg territory. You've known this guy for six weeks, which is to say not very long. And already there is a history of you getting mad for things you yourself consider unreasonable in order to test his affection? That kind of contradicts your first post here, when you said you had "no doubts" about his affection.

If I was dating someone who showed those testing tendencies that quickly, and I have, I'll be completely honest and say that I'd be very wary of making her my girlfriend. Doesn't set a good precedent for how things will go in a partnership. I don't reach for the gf/bf label to sate insecurities, but to celebrate a connection. The one time in my life I made the mistake of not following those rules was a "gf/bf" union that lasted another few days before the bandaid slipped off.

If you doubt someone's feelings for you, you are free to (a) walk away to find someone who is a better fit; (b) continue to observe things; or © have a mature talk about things, while accepting that, early on, it is completely acceptable for someone to feel...whatever it is they feel about you. Those are all much more effective ways of dealing with that—and actually becoming close with someone—than lashing out at someone and hoping they'll show "feelings."

A lot has been made about his desire to not use a condom. I'd keep your analysis to that pretty simple, meaning: he wanted to have sex without a condom and was okay with taking that risk. Doesn't have anything to do with feelings—just his boundaries, something he's cool with. Not your thing—cool, understandable. But I think you're stuck in a little loop where you're trying to turn unprotected sex into meaning something in his head and heart that it simply does not.

Most guys will quickly tire of attention queens. Learn to be more confident and get to know each other through dating. Do not demand attention like a child.

He told me it’s because I always gets mad at him that he wanted to not rush and see And it’s true I always gets mad for trivial unreasonable things and in order to get him to care and show affection for me

Where did you get this weird idea of "testing"?

He told you that he doesn't want a relationship with you.

- it sounds like he's still hurt from the previous relationship, on the rebound - and not ready to love another yet.