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in love vs just being comfortable


crscnt

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Hi all, i would like to get some advice on this, the issue comes down to comfort vs passion..

I'm getting married pretty soon (in a few months)..although deep down i know everything will be fine and that i do the right thing (as I have done tons of 'pros and cons' analysis, anyone who knows me well would know i analyze things very carefully before making a decision) sometimes i still have doubts...because well..some people might say 'the person you marry should be the person you REALLY love' admittedly, if you ask me if love my fiance then i would say i don't love him in a way it's depicted in a movie or romantic songs. But it is worth mentioning that it's really hard for me to fall in love..i only ever experienced it once when i was in high school, we dated for a short period of time. I loved him because he was really my type (cold, distant, and an introvert just like me). and my fiance is the opposite, he often makes me laugh lol. maybe that's one of reasons why i think my love for him isn't genuine given the fact that he's not my type. or maybe my feelings for him is also love, but perhaps a mature version of love?

 

I feel free to be myself, i can talk basically anything to him, i am very secretive person so obviously it's not that i open up to him 100% but as someone who is VERY complicated, has attachment issue and hardly trust people, it's totally clear that i'm comfortable enough around him and can talk to him about things that i might not be able to talk about with anyone else.. yes he has his own imperfections but he's a good guy and I know I can rely on him.

 

I wouldn't call off the marriage but ppl's statement about 'one should marry someone he/she loves very deeply' has been bothering me for sooo long..

 

Thanks in advance :)

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This is a tricky one.

 

Perhaps you do have some commitment and attachment issues. Or maybe you've just never been that into him but tried to convince yourself to stay because it makes sense on paper.

 

How long have you been together? Have you always felt lukewarm about him?

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Thanks for the replies

 

@MissCanuck

I do have attachment issues but no commitment issues. I'm fully committed to this relationship..but if you say i try to convince myself then it kinda makes sense. We've only been together for 2,5 years, despite that i think we know each other well.. I don't think i feel lukewarm about him, i am really looking forward to our future for example, but yeah, as you said, it's a tricky one. I think i do love him in my 'own' way but on the other hand i really wonder if people should have very deep romantic feelings towards their husband. I'm not romantic person to begin with so i really have no idea.. i don't think i'm capable of loving anyone in romantic way at this point (the aforementioned ex was the only exception)

 

@Shay2326

I can't reveal my zodiac sign online.. but i'm sorry you're also facing the same problem :(

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Thanks for the replies

 

@MissCanuck

I do have attachment issues but no commitment issues. I'm fully committed to this relationship..but if you say i try to convince myself then it kinda makes sense. We've only been together for 2,5 years, despite that i think we know each other well.. I don't think i feel lukewarm about him, i am really looking forward to our future for example, but yeah, as you said, it's a tricky one. I think i do love him in my 'own' way but on the other hand i really wonder if people should have very deep romantic feelings towards their husband. I'm not romantic person to begin with so i really have no idea.. i don't think i'm capable of loving anyone in romantic way at this point (the aforementioned ex was the only exception)

 

@Shay2326

I can't reveal my zodiac sign online.. but i'm sorry you're also facing the same problem :(

 

There are different types of love. Sometimes the love we have for partners changes over time, as well. Did you ever go through a "hot" period with this guy? Would you say you guys are a lot like friends or do you desire him at all physically?

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Hi there,

I came on this site specifically looking to see if anyone had a similar issue to mine and here it is! I feel exactly how you feel.

I’m 26 and have been with my bf for a little over a year. When I met him, I really liked him and felt that he had most of the main qualities I was looking for in a long term partner. I have also been in love once before (3 year relationship and had lived with the guy, but he ultimately was not as serious about the relationship as I was in the end).

I did fall in love with my current partner about 6 months into the relationship, but it still wasn’t this strong feeling I had felt before. After a few months though, I started to not feel as strong as I wanted to feel. Or I at least wanted to mirror how much he appeared to like me.

He’s a nice guy that is respectful of me and goes out of his way to show me how much he cares about me.

We have fun together and can talk for hours and I can actually open up to him about deep topics, which is also something I struggle with with other people.

At the end of the day though, I don’t feel as strongly as I want to. I do also understand though that love is not just a feeling, but so much more and ultimately a decision we make towards someone every day.

I am just as confused as you are regarding the notion that one should marry only someone they are deeply in love with. I see my friends that we sooo in love with their partners, and I wonder why I can’t be the same. I have so many thoughts surrounding this but no conclusion. I guess I figure that as long as you are generally happy and not unhappy with your relationship the end of the day, everything will be ok.

I can’t give any more input as I’m confused myself, but I wanted you to know that you are not the only one with this struggle. I understand how stressful feeling this was is, as it is something that makes up your entire future.

May I ask how long have you guys been together? Do you live together? Has he ever mentioned feeling any way similar? Have you mentioned feeling this way to him?

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There are different types of love. Sometimes the love we have for partners changes over time, as well. Did you ever go through a "hot" period with this guy? Would you say you guys are a lot like friends or do you desire him at all physically?

 

thanks for your reply. Hmm.. i honestly don't know what 'desiring someone physically' feels like, as well as a hot period.. I believe i did, but i'm not sure if i can call that a hot period.. As far as i remember, it just felt like i was really grateful and happy. but not that i'm unhappy now.. so i am confused.. i'm also happy with him even now. it's just i really don't know if i have to force myself to love him in the way most people do or i can just love him in my own way, without changing anything. I believe 'loving someone' too deep isn't healthy anyways

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Hi Npgirl09, thanks for you reply. I am glad to know i am not alone in this, you sound a lot like me too...i hope you'll also figure it out soon

 

We've only been together for 2.5 years. We don't live together, we're currently renovating our new house and will move in once we get married. He never mentioned feeling any way similar. unlike me, he's not complicated and in fact he's very simple guy. I've always analyzed everything, and our relationship, ask myself why he's the right person etc etc etc, but he doesn't. If i ask him why he is so sure about me then he only answered along the lines of 'I dont think too much about it, i only know i love you and i'm happy with you' thats all. I have mentioned feeling this way to him 'indirectly', and he responded 'you can just get through it' or something. he believes that we'll be fine. He's very sensitive person so i only can express my concern about this issue indirectly

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I find it interesting (and telling) that the only man you ever loved, or believe you loved, was "cold and distant."

 

I am an introvert also, and the opposite. Men who are "cold and distant" leave me feeling "meh" and will eventually turn off.

 

I would explore this (within), to me it's indicative of emotional intimacy issues and fears, the inability to feel emotionally close to a romantic partner, to feel vulnerable and to feel passionate love w that person.

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My take—and I'm just going to speak frankly here for a moment—is that I would never want someone to marry me if they were writing about my like this, nor would I want to marry someone who triggered these sorts of "settling" thoughts in me. I don't want someone to be with me because I check more "pros" than "cons," but because I make pro/con lists irrelevant. And vise versa.

 

Sound romantic? Of course. Possible? I firmly believe so. I've seen it in my friends, and I've had a tastes—of big (and comforting) love when I wasn't ready for that level of commitment, of big love with someone who wasn't quite there herself—and so for me settling for less just isn't an option. I know myself. For me that would be calling marriage a bomb waiting to go off.

 

Being in love, to me, is comfort. A rare, thrilling, warm, hot, mysterious, ever-evolving form of comfort. If I ever get married, it's going to be to celebrate that I found someone with whom I share that feeling, which has always been far more important to me than "marriage."

 

But that, of course, is me. My value system. For others marriage in and of itself is a goal, and so they may prioritize it differently. No judgement. But I'll tell you this, for whatever it's worth: I've got a mind that is hardwired to analyze everything, to keep turning the prism over and over and over. But my best relationships, including two that have lasted longer than yours, always defied analysis, were somehow "bigger" than anything the pistons of my mind could sort out. Once I needed analysis to keep stitching it together—or once my partner had entered that space—it was generally the beginning of the end.

 

I'm assuming you're pretty young. Is there a part of you that feels like you are "supposed" to get married around now? Are you hoping to start a family soon?

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@Seraphim Hmm :( but i want to marry him, hence why i accepted his proposal in the first place

 

@MissCanuck Yeah it has been a problem even from the very beginning of our relationship (but partly caused by my own issues), but nonetheless i’m happy with my decision. Yes he ever wondered, like he lamented i never say ‘i love you’ first

 

@katrina1980 thanks for your response. Yeah it indeed turned out i am not compatible with the kind of person who’s cold and distant...but anyway, what do you think i should do?

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thanks bluecastle for your response, I totally understand what you’re trying to say, and although i agree with some part of what you have said, i must say that, I believe deep down, even love can’t guarantee anything, I’ve seen so many people, my friends who claimed to feel deeply in love with their partner but ended up coming to an early end, they got divorced. I’m fully aware of the fact that if my fiance happens to read this thread, it may hurt him deeply and i wouldn’t want that (it’s unlikely he will discover this thread though..) But the reason why i’m posting this is because i want to find a solution that will make both of us happy. I never meant harm to him. I don’t want to be like this myself, but i can’t help it, I don’t think i’ll love anyone else even if i break up with him..hard to explain..

 

I'm assuming you're pretty young. Is there a part of you that feels like you are "supposed" to get married around now? Are you hoping to start a family soon?

This is something i can’t explain over here, unfortunately. but it’s safe to say that i don’t want to marry him just because I’m supposed to get married.

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Well, that's cryptic. Which is, of course, your right here in the anonymous womb of the internet.

 

And you're right about love not guaranteeing anything. But, best I can tell, there is only one guarantee in life, which is that it will one day end. Everything else is kind of a mystery, and all we can do is make the best choices for us along the way.

 

I've certainly wrestled with the questions you're wrestling with, sometimes in the abstract (What do I want from this business of life and love?) and sometimes in the concrete (Is this thing with Person X enough for me?). If I ever get married I will do so knowing it might not work, just as when I leave my house I do so knowing that anything can happen, and might not return.

 

In both those cases I make choices that will ensure both my safety and my need for joy, best I understand them, if that makes sense. So, for instance, I'm writing you after yoga class, a choice I made to better my mind and body. I traveled there by motorcycle—a choice others would find too dangers, but for my provides a level of joy I need and seek, and in that there is comfort.

 

My approach to picking a partner to commit to is pretty similar.

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I wouldn't create drama if there isn't any. Don't stir up trouble if there isn't any.

 

I've been married for a long time. I can't speak for others but my husband and I aren't gushing over one another 24 / 7. We're very comfortable with each other in a very respectful, loving way. We're not sugary syrupy sweet in love. Yes, we love each other dearly, have each others backs always, extremely devoted and loyal to each other but we're not starry eyed 24 / 7 either. There is nothing wrong with being comfortable with your fiance or husband as long as communicating is easy, natural, kind, considerate, loving and respectful.

 

If you say you can talk to him about things you can't talk about with others, he's reliable and a good man, he's a winner in my book. If his imperfections aren't out of whack unreasonable and he's a decent, very honorable, humble, sincere human being, again, he's a winner in my book. Only you know though.

 

Love also grows more deeply as you get to know each other and you really don't know a man until there's serious commitment. Also, he's there for you when life is good and when life is not good. That's the true test and meaning of "being in love." "Being in love" is love when life is not smooth as gravy.

 

If you're not sure and continue to have trust and attachment issues, seek professional therapy for yourself and couples / marriage counseling prior to marriage.

 

Try not to psychoanalyze too much because you need to appreciate what you have. If both of you are compatible, in good health, have comfortable finances and the future looks bright, think more positively.

 

Being in love is nothing like the movies. Being comfortable is what love is. I don't refer to slovenly comfort. I refer to harmony, compatibility, communication, stability, respect and peace. That's what real love is.

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@Seraphim @Capricorn3

I get what you mean, but I also highly doubt if i don’t love my fiance at all.. i mean..everyone around me was like ‘knowing you, he must be special if you decided to choose him over anyone else’

i only felt like my feeling for him is different than love that’s depicted in a romantic movie

 

@bluecastle

thank you for sharing your own approach to picking a partner to commit..the analogy you told me above has kind of opened up my mind. I’ll give it serious thought

 

@Cherylyn

Thank u so much for your thoughtful reply... He’s a winner in my book too, in some way, and i believe i wouldn’t have felt happier either if i had still been with my ex i thought i ever loved

 

I’ve never talked to a marriage counselor so far but will consider and i do share this with the psychologist friend of mine, and yeah we do have quite productive, stable relationship as well as good communication. we compromise, we listen to each other and solve our problems together

 

thank you, I’ll try my best to find a way and think positively for the sake of our (me and my partner) happiness

 

this may be my last post, to prevent the possibility of people IRL reading this thread.

But you guys really have offered many helpful opinion and i really appreciate it.

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I personally wouldn't get married feeling the way you do.

 

It's not about being gushy in-love all the time. It's the fact that you seem to be trying to convince yourself that this is the right thing to do. Your gut is trying to talk to you, in my opinion.

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I feel like this is less of an issue of how you feel about him, and more an issue of you wondering if you'll ever find someone that will love you like he does, in the same level that you want to love him. Does that makes sense?

 

Maybe you love him because he loves you, but not necessarily him as his own person.

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