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Thread: in love vs just being comfortable

  1. #21
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    @Seraphim @Capricorn3
    I get what you mean, but I also highly doubt if i don’t love my fiance at all.. i mean..everyone around me was like ‘knowing you, he must be special if you decided to choose him over anyone else’
    i only felt like my feeling for him is different than love that’s depicted in a romantic movie

    @bluecastle
    thank you for sharing your own approach to picking a partner to commit..the analogy you told me above has kind of opened up my mind. I’ll give it serious thought

    @Cherylyn
    Thank u so much for your thoughtful reply... He’s a winner in my book too, in some way, and i believe i wouldn’t have felt happier either if i had still been with my ex i thought i ever loved

    I’ve never talked to a marriage counselor so far but will consider and i do share this with the psychologist friend of mine, and yeah we do have quite productive, stable relationship as well as good communication. we compromise, we listen to each other and solve our problems together

    thank you, I’ll try my best to find a way and think positively for the sake of our (me and my partner) happiness

    this may be my last post, to prevent the possibility of people IRL reading this thread.
    But you guys really have offered many helpful opinion and i really appreciate it.

  2. #22
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    I personally wouldn't get married feeling the way you do.

    It's not about being gushy in-love all the time. It's the fact that you seem to be trying to convince yourself that this is the right thing to do. Your gut is trying to talk to you, in my opinion.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Do you want a happy marriage or a romance novel? All novelties wear off, no matter who you're with.
    Originally Posted by crscnt
    if you ask me if love my fiance then i would say i don't love him in a way it's depicted in a movie or romantic songs.

  4. #24
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    "one should marry someone he/she loves very deeply"

    Forget what other people call love or how it is depicted in movies. Do you feel like, in your own way, you love your fiance deeply?

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member WithLove's Avatar
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    I feel like this is less of an issue of how you feel about him, and more an issue of you wondering if you'll ever find someone that will love you like he does, in the same level that you want to love him. Does that makes sense?

    Maybe you love him because he loves you, but not necessarily him as his own person.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    It's not about being gushy in-love all the time. It's the fact that you seem to be trying to convince yourself that this is the right thing to do. Your gut is trying to talk to you, in my opinion.
    This, in three sentences, is what I'm seeing here.

    Finding a "winner" is rare, and it sounds like you've found one. But a winner is not just a decent person who you can trust, feel attracted to, whatever; it's also someone who, for some mysterious reasons no one can quite understand, doesn't trigger waves of doubt and mental gymnastics.

    Again, I am a gold medal winner in the olympics of mental gymnastics, so I know those spins. It's in my nature. Still, I've been with people who, for whatever reason, don't fire all that up. One I just wasn't ready for, and that's okay. One wasn't quite ready for me, and that's also okay. I have no regrets that I didn't marry those people, because while I don't think marriage is something out of a romance novel, I don't want to have to use my brain too much to convince my heart its beating correctly. I believe the heart kind of knows, and it does sound a bit like you're trying outsmart your heart—your gut—with some mental stretching.

  8. #27
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    I got notifications, it says reputation with a message...since i'm new to this forum, i don't quite understand how it works..?

    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Do you want a happy marriage or a romance novel? All novelties wear off, no matter who you're with.
    I want a happy marriage.. I believe a happy marriage and productive relationship is more important than romance novel hence why i decided to marry this guy. If i could do it all over again, i would still choose this guy over my ex (someone i used to love like in romance novel maybe?), got tons of reasons for that..

    @saluk
    ''in my own way'' yes. But since i've only fallen in love once (even attraction, i only felt it once, with the same guy and that even happened like..more than 10 years ago) and it felt different, so i'm utterly confused as to which one is the real love? also, movies are often used to describe love so it somehow becomes the standard definition of love..

    @WithLove
    re first question : nah, i don't think so honestly. but to answer your 2nd question.. yeah it does make sense..because if he doesn't love me then there's no way i can love him. I've always thought i shouldn't fall for someone who doesn't love me back, so it never happened..

    @MissCanuck @bluecastle
    i totally understand where you're coming from, but I've thought about this a lot, for so long, and i honestly don't see any point in letting my relationship go... it would be different case if i, deep down, love someone else, then that would be a sign that i should call off my wedding. because it becomes clear that I really don't love him, not because of my own issues.. (I can't go into details, but those issues are partly caused by MH problems i've been dealing for ten years, and partly because of the passing of my dad, according to the psych)

    ''I don't want to have to use my brain too much to convince my heart its beating correctly''
    yeah I guess i use my brain too much for everything,not only in relationship.. I'm extremely tired as well. like...i sometimes even doubt about my real name. feeling as though i have amnesia

    by the way...i talked to my fiance,and asked him if he could accept it...he said that he's OK as long as i still have 'feelings' for him (any kind of positive feelings towards him) he said he would wait until i can confidently say that i love him with all my heart

  9. #28
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    See what I mean? That is sad for him. 😓

  10. #29
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    Yeah I'm starting to think you don't really love him. Movies can only hint at what love is, and some do a decent job of it. But most of them focus on the initial spark rather than the sustained act of loving, which is a very different thing. But you don't really talk about him in a way that shows either love in my opinion. He's going to wait until you can confidently say you love him? I think he's going to be waiting a while. Are you really going to put him through that?

  11. #30
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I agree with Saluk. I mean, when he tells you he’s willing to wait how does that make you feel? Respectful toward him? Or do you pity him?

    And how does it make you feel about yourself? Do you respect yourself more for being in this kind of dynamic or do you pity yourself?

    These are hard questions. They’re worth asking and answering honestly.

    A 2.5 year relationship is hard to let go of, always. Pain, uncertainty, all that. But a marriage built on an iffy foundation is another kind of pain, as is getting out of it.

    You’ve pretty much said, albeit sideways, that you know you’re capable of loving someone else more—that your basis on this relationship being workable is that you don’t love that person this second. Fragile stuff, all that.

    I can’t help but feel like you’re with him because he’s “safe”—not capable of delivering the kind of hurt your last boyfriend did. Well, it’s worth considering that you’re posting here because “safe” is feeling pretty risky.

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