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Thread: in love vs just being comfortable

  1. #11
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I would not marry if you are not in love with him. That robs him of love .

  2. #12
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    Has this been a problem in your relationship to this point, OP?

    Has he wondered if you are not into him in the way he is into you?

  3. #13
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    I find it interesting (and telling) that the only man you ever loved, or believe you loved, was "cold and distant."

    I am an introvert also, and the opposite. Men who are "cold and distant" leave me feeling "meh" and will eventually turn off.

    I would explore this (within), to me it's indicative of emotional intimacy issues and fears, the inability to feel emotionally close to a romantic partner, to feel vulnerable and to feel passionate love w that person.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    My take—and I'm just going to speak frankly here for a moment—is that I would never want someone to marry me if they were writing about my like this, nor would I want to marry someone who triggered these sorts of "settling" thoughts in me. I don't want someone to be with me because I check more "pros" than "cons," but because I make pro/con lists irrelevant. And vise versa.

    Sound romantic? Of course. Possible? I firmly believe so. I've seen it in my friends, and I've had a tastes—of big (and comforting) love when I wasn't ready for that level of commitment, of big love with someone who wasn't quite there herself—and so for me settling for less just isn't an option. I know myself. For me that would be calling marriage a bomb waiting to go off.

    Being in love, to me, is comfort. A rare, thrilling, warm, hot, mysterious, ever-evolving form of comfort. If I ever get married, it's going to be to celebrate that I found someone with whom I share that feeling, which has always been far more important to me than "marriage."

    But that, of course, is me. My value system. For others marriage in and of itself is a goal, and so they may prioritize it differently. No judgement. But I'll tell you this, for whatever it's worth: I've got a mind that is hardwired to analyze everything, to keep turning the prism over and over and over. But my best relationships, including two that have lasted longer than yours, always defied analysis, were somehow "bigger" than anything the pistons of my mind could sort out. Once I needed analysis to keep stitching it together—or once my partner had entered that space—it was generally the beginning of the end.

    I'm assuming you're pretty young. Is there a part of you that feels like you are "supposed" to get married around now? Are you hoping to start a family soon?

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  6. #15
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    @Seraphim Hmm :( but i want to marry him, hence why i accepted his proposal in the first place

    @MissCanuck Yeah it has been a problem even from the very beginning of our relationship (but partly caused by my own issues), but nonetheless i’m happy with my decision. Yes he ever wondered, like he lamented i never say ‘i love you’ first

    @katrina1980 thanks for your response. Yeah it indeed turned out i am not compatible with the kind of person who’s cold and distant...but anyway, what do you think i should do?

  7. #16
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    thanks bluecastle for your response, I totally understand what you’re trying to say, and although i agree with some part of what you have said, i must say that, I believe deep down, even love can’t guarantee anything, I’ve seen so many people, my friends who claimed to feel deeply in love with their partner but ended up coming to an early end, they got divorced. I’m fully aware of the fact that if my fiance happens to read this thread, it may hurt him deeply and i wouldn’t want that (it’s unlikely he will discover this thread though..) But the reason why i’m posting this is because i want to find a solution that will make both of us happy. I never meant harm to him. I don’t want to be like this myself, but i can’t help it, I don’t think i’ll love anyone else even if i break up with him..hard to explain..

    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I'm assuming you're pretty young. Is there a part of you that feels like you are "supposed" to get married around now? Are you hoping to start a family soon?
    This is something i can’t explain over here, unfortunately. but it’s safe to say that i don’t want to marry him just because I’m supposed to get married.

  8. #17
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    But what is marriage without love ? I have been with my husband 30 years ( 25 married) and I adore him more than the universe.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Well, that's cryptic. Which is, of course, your right here in the anonymous womb of the internet.

    And you're right about love not guaranteeing anything. But, best I can tell, there is only one guarantee in life, which is that it will one day end. Everything else is kind of a mystery, and all we can do is make the best choices for us along the way.

    I've certainly wrestled with the questions you're wrestling with, sometimes in the abstract (What do I want from this business of life and love?) and sometimes in the concrete (Is this thing with Person X enough for me?). If I ever get married I will do so knowing it might not work, just as when I leave my house I do so knowing that anything can happen, and might not return.

    In both those cases I make choices that will ensure both my safety and my need for joy, best I understand them, if that makes sense. So, for instance, I'm writing you after yoga class, a choice I made to better my mind and body. I traveled there by motorcycle—a choice others would find too dangers, but for my provides a level of joy I need and seek, and in that there is comfort.

    My approach to picking a partner to commit to is pretty similar.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I wouldn't create drama if there isn't any. Don't stir up trouble if there isn't any.

    I've been married for a long time. I can't speak for others but my husband and I aren't gushing over one another 24 / 7. We're very comfortable with each other in a very respectful, loving way. We're not sugary syrupy sweet in love. Yes, we love each other dearly, have each others backs always, extremely devoted and loyal to each other but we're not starry eyed 24 / 7 either. There is nothing wrong with being comfortable with your fiance or husband as long as communicating is easy, natural, kind, considerate, loving and respectful.

    If you say you can talk to him about things you can't talk about with others, he's reliable and a good man, he's a winner in my book. If his imperfections aren't out of whack unreasonable and he's a decent, very honorable, humble, sincere human being, again, he's a winner in my book. Only you know though.

    Love also grows more deeply as you get to know each other and you really don't know a man until there's serious commitment. Also, he's there for you when life is good and when life is not good. That's the true test and meaning of "being in love." "Being in love" is love when life is not smooth as gravy.

    If you're not sure and continue to have trust and attachment issues, seek professional therapy for yourself and couples / marriage counseling prior to marriage.

    Try not to psychoanalyze too much because you need to appreciate what you have. If both of you are compatible, in good health, have comfortable finances and the future looks bright, think more positively.

    Being in love is nothing like the movies. Being comfortable is what love is. I don't refer to slovenly comfort. I refer to harmony, compatibility, communication, stability, respect and peace. That's what real love is.

  11. #20
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Here's something you should follow throughout your life: When in doubt, DON'T.

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