Any advice

So basically I’ve been with this guy 8 years on and off since we were teenagers, we lived together practically straight away had a rocky relationship, We split up, fast forward 6 months we started speaking again he promised to be better and said He still loves me etc, we decided to give it another go. Last night we went out with friends as we left to go home he was in a bit of a mood grabbed my hand to cross the road I told him don’t do that he stormed of leaving me in crowds of people in a place I wasnt familiar with at 12am I was lost walking round in circles I managed to get a taxi home. I was short of taxi fair so asked him could he come and pay the rest for me he refused and the taxi driver wouldn’t let me out the cab. I got a friend to come and help.

We spoke about this today and I basically said that is so wrong leaving the girl your supposed to love late at night on her own. he apologised and said he was a idiot but thinks this is minor and that I shouldn’t want to leave him again over something like this and I clearly don’t love him because I wouldn’t throw us away over this incident. I just feel like He obviously doesn’t love me that much if he could do that to me and brush it of like it’s nothing.

Any advice? Am I overreacting here or am I right in thinking that I deserve better than this and should walk away...

You should walk away.

 

When relationships are "on and off" for an extended period of time it generally means that they are supposed to be "off." In this case, you say he promised to be better but, alas, what he did last night is not "better." Maybe even worse. Odds are that you both outgrew this relationship a long time ago but just keep forcing it more out of fear of being alone and letting go than love.

 

If you chose to put incidents like this in the context of "loving me" vs "not loving me" you'll find you'll always be in a bind, staying open to another chance in which he can "prove" that love. So I'd change that headspace a bit, and say that an incident like this proves that he is clearly incapable of treating you as you want and deserve to be treated. To stay with him is to reward his behavior, to leave him is to reward yourself by asserting your own worth and value.

 

A man who leaves a woman alone at midnight in an unfamiliar place because he's having a tantrum? That's not a man. A man who would rather continue throwing that tantrum than coming down stairs with a few bucks for a cab? Not a man. A man who calls this "minor" when his girlfriend expresses feeling majorly hurt? Really not a man.

You've thrown each other away over and over. Couples who care stick it out to solve problems. He has shown you who he is. Someone who leaves you in a dangerous situation. If your self esteem is so lacking that you'd consider getting back together with him, work on that before you date again, because you'll continue to keep picking toxic men time and again. Time to leave your childish years behind you. Go no contact for closure.

This is not a minor action. Ditto what bluecastle said. Any man who would do that to a woman is not only negligent but he's dangerous.

Wow..that was a really dangerous situation he put you in and no, it was not minor whatsoever.

 

It was incredibly thoughtless and careless of him and you're lucky you didn't get into much more trouble than you did!

 

There is no way you should trust a man like that or feel safe with him.

 

That kind of incident truly is one where you should call it a day.

 

Then he has the audacity to turn it on you and say.."if you break up with him, you don't love him." Unbelievable! He placed you in harms way, he is the one who lost his temper and became destructive and put your life and safety in jeopardy.

 

You need to get rid of him asap and never look back.

It's time to just end this completely, OP.

 

It sounds like there is an awful lot of built-up resentment on both sides, and this latest incident is the manifestation of bigger problems. He should not have left you alone in that situation, no. It was not minor and I understand why you are upset. I would be, too.

 

But my guess is that this is but one of many other similar blow-ups in the relationship. The whole dynamic appears badly-damaged and sometimes you have to be strong enough to stop going back for more. For good.

I agree with everyone above. Time to end this lousy relationship. Also, in future always make sure you have enough money on you for a way to get home.

Obviously, any guy should err on the side of not leaving a woman hanging in a public place. But I've witnessed enough situations of women abusing their sort of "protectorate" status holding their guy as a captive audience in a very public and dramatic way. Without knowing what happened, I'm not willing to label anyone the bad guy. Regardless, 8 years "on and off" should be self-evident of perhaps you two not being the best fit for one another.

@ j.man, I am a bit confused by your post, perhaps you can clarify.

 

You start off by saying obviously no man should err on the side of leaving a woman (in this case a woman he claims to love) alone in a public place (that she's not familiar with, at midnight no less).

 

Fabulous, I agree!

 

But then you go on to suggest that her behaviour may have given justification to him doing so. And until you know what happened, no one is the bad guy.

 

Those two comments contradict, and since I value your opinion, if you could clarify, would appreciate it. It's possible I misinterpreted.

 

My opinion is it doesn't matter one iota what she did, a stand-up man doesn't leave the woman he loves in a dangerous situation like that, and it was very fortunate she made it home safely.

 

Same as there is nothing that would justify a man physically striking a woman, and I would feel the same if roles were reversed too. No woman should ever strike a man either, unless in self-defense.

 

This wasn't akin to that -- a physically abusive incident, but equally as dangerous imo nonetheless.

 

And to add insult to injury, he chose to leave her sitting in the cab, versus walking downstairs (or out the door assuming they live together as OP stated) and paying the driver the extra money for the cab ride.

 

I acknowledge, there are always two sides to every story, but my goodness, in this case, I'm not sure how anyone could not deem this "bad" behavior under those circumstances, regardless of what she did (if anything) but willing to admit I may have misinterpreted your post.

I think it's rather obvious this isn't a healthy relationship. You two can't even go out for a night without a real risk of a fight.

 

I'm kinda shocked though that you were relying so much on him to get you around and get you home, especially given the rocky history. It's always first and foremost your responsibility to watch out for you. Always know where you are, always have enough money in the bank to leave situations if you need to. Always! That's as much of the takeaway here as your bf being a jerk by leaving you. If a guy leaves you hanging, how nuts to then engage him again because you need his money. You can prevent so much drama and danger by relying on you first.

I agree w itsallgrand, this is very toxic relationship (and clearly a dangerous one as well) and it's best it ends, sooner rather than later.

 

And moving forward OP, make sure you carry your phone and enough cash or credit card to make it home safely, at all times. That's on you.

 

But still, if the bf were posting, I might advise that no matter what went down between you that night, make sure you both make it home safely and then discuss, yell, scream, whatever your dynamic is, in the safety of your home.

@ j.man, I am a bit confused by your post, perhaps you can clarify.

 

You start off by saying obviously no man should err on the side of leaving a woman (in this case a woman he claims to love) alone in a public place (that she's not familiar with, at midnight no less).

 

Fabulous, I agree!

 

But then you go on to suggest that her behaviour may have given justification to him doing so. And until you know what happened, no one is the bad guy.

 

Those two comments contradict, and since I value your opinion, if you could clarify, would appreciate it. It's possible I misinterpreted.

 

My opinion is it doesn't matter one iota what she did, a stand-up man doesn't leave the woman he loves in a dangerous situation like that, and it was very fortunate she made it home safely.

 

Same as there is nothing that would justify a man physically striking a woman, and I would feel the same if roles were reversed too. No woman should ever strike a man either, unless in self-defense.

 

This wasn't akin to that -- a physically abusive incident, but equally as dangerous imo nonetheless.

 

And to add insult to injury, he chose to leave her sitting in the cab, versus walking downstairs (or out the door assuming they live together as OP stated) and paying the driver the extra money for the cab ride.

 

I acknowledge, there are always two sides to every story, but my goodness, in this case, I'm not sure how anyone could not deem this "bad" behavior under those circumstances, regardless of what she did (if anything) but willing to admit I may have misinterpreted your post.

Insofar as someone might want to argue a man has that responsibility and that a woman should be entitled to it, so then does such a woman to follow their lead in lieu of having secured her own safe way home and to not treat it as a license to act as much a fool as you'd like. Guys aren't responsible to be unquestioning bodyguards. It's one thing if he's shoving her into the crowd to make his escape or apparently throwing down his ninja smoke bomb the moment she wouldn't take his hand. It's another if she wants to pitch a fit at the crosswalk and leave him beholden to her safety in exchange for the privilege of being a party to her public fit. If someone you for some reason depend on as your safety is going home, you go home with him. If you're confident in carrying on and getting home on your own fine without him, then don't. At the end of the day, OP's a grown woman, not a kid who'd just been ditched in the bread aisle.

 

The whole babysitting a publicly dramatic woman trope is as tired as it is infantilizing. At some point, I think a guy is well within his rights to say he's going, and she's either deciding to come with or she isn't. At the end of the day, I think it runs an exponentially higher risk of simply not enabling crappy behavior than it does getting anyone physically harmed. But again, whether this guy would meet the criteria for what I'd consider having reached "some point" is a matter of detail. That's all I'm saying.

 

Basically, yeah, all conduct considered relatively decent, it's a good idea for dudes to take for women, particularly in a massively social setting. If a woman wants to be a nuisance for it all, she should make sure she's got the full $20 cash on hand for a cab.

 

You start off by saying obviously no man should err on the side of leaving a woman (in this case a woman he claims to love) alone in a public place (that she's not familiar with, at midnight no less).

 

 

Correction: Any man

Whether man or woman, a person shouldn't leave anyone alone at night regardless of whether or not there was an argument. It's called doing the right thing despite the fight. He should've done the right thing by ensuring your safety. It has nothing to do with chivalry. It's about one's conscience and not leaving a person alone to fend for themselves while knowing there is risk of danger. How he can sleep at night is beyond comprehension.

 

The true test of to any relationship is when it goes awry and how does one behave? Will they still care about you or allow their emotions to get the best of them while they storm off in a huff? People can still fight and argue. However, there needs to be safety priority so the fight and the remainder of the night can still be safe for both parties.

 

I don't think you're overreacting. You saw how he can be when life isn't smooth as silk. Sure, everyone is sweet while life is rosy. However, when there are challenges in the relationship, this is when one's true character is under a microscope.

 

Or, since he apologized, hopefully he was sincere and he'll behave better in the future. However, what's alarming is that he thinks it's minor which would bother me. Both of you are incompatible and not thinking on the same wave length. I say walk away. You can choose better.

@jman he was in a bad mood because we couldn’t get a cab at that time and he tried to grab my hand to walk into a road and I pulled it back because he was being a idiot. There was no abuse or arguing on any side, and I’m certainly not like that to cause a big scene in public. We didn’t argue until after all this has happened.

Trust your instincts. He's bad news. Cut him out of your life for good this time.

he stormed of leaving me in crowds of people in a place I wasnt familiar with at 12am I was lost walking round in circles I managed to get a taxi home. I was short of taxi fair so asked him could he come and pay the rest for me he refused and the taxi driver wouldn’t let me out the cab. I right in thinking that I deserve better than this and should walk away...