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Thread: Should I ask him of he wants a relationship? How?

  1. #1

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    Should I ask him of he wants a relationship? How?

    Hey,
    I'm sorry since this might be a pretty long post lol But I really need some advice on this...

    There is a guy I have been seeing 3 times during the last 3 weeks now and each time we got a little more comfortable (nothing physical happened though).

    The problems though are that
    1. I'm gonna leave the country (Korea) in about 1 month and will probably only return in about 1 year (that time permanently though).

    2. I've never been in a relationship before and he is 8 years older than me (He is 28, I am 20), so I think he might be hesitant to take the first step because if the age difference.

    And since I will be gone for a trip in 2 days we probably won't be able to meet again, which is why I will have to ask through text.

    Would the text below be okay or is there anything I should change? I really don't want to seem clingy or desperate, but still sincere...

    "I have a question, that might be kind of awkward, but please just be honest...
    What kind of relationship do you want right now?
    It's totally okay for me if you say you just want to be friends, but I really like your positive character and I feel like there could be more..

    I know that usually the guy asks these kinds of questions, but I feel like you might be hestitant to say anything because of our age difference and sadly it will be some time until I come back to Korea, so that's why I am asking now. And also I really didn't want to talk about this over kakaotalk, but I don't know if we can meet before I go to Tokyo 😅"

    Any advice will be greatly appreciated!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    After 3 dates it's not any kind of relationship. Do not tie yourself down to a LDR. After a few hours together it's doubtful anyone would be interested in that. Simply stay in touch, if you want but don't have relationship talks after 3 dates. Do not send anything like this. Just stay in touch.
    Originally Posted by MsAurora
    "I have a question, that might be kind of awkward, but please just be honest...
    What kind of relationship do you want right now?
    It's totally okay for me if you say you just want to be friends, but I really like your positive character and I feel like there could be more..

    I know that usually the guy asks these kinds of questions, but I feel like you might be hestitant to say anything because of our age difference and sadly it will be some time until I come back to Korea, so that's why I am asking now. And also I really didn't want to talk about this over kakaotalk, but I don't know if we can meet before I go to Tokyo 😅"

  3. #3

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    Thanks a lot for the advice. I'm just afraid that I might "miss the chance" if I don't say anything..

  4. #4
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    Why would anyone take your message as sincere when after 3 dates you canít possibly be sincere?!

    You donít know him! He doesnít know you.
    Even if it was 3 months not 3 dates or weeks I would advise you not to message him that!!!?

    I hope after 3 dates you havenít added him on social media? Please say you havenít????

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  6. #5

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    The thing is that there is a big cultural difference between the west (especially the US) and Korea, where people usually decide to date after just a few dates.
    And I don't really want to ask him for a relationship, just if he thinks that there might be a possibility for one in the future

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by MsAurora
    The thing is that there is a big cultural difference between the west (especially the US) and Korea, where people usually decide to date after just a few dates.
    And I don't really want to ask him for a relationship, just if he thinks that there might be a possibility for one in the future
    This is not about cultural difference. We are talking about two people that only know each other in person 15 hours or so.
    Iím not from the US.
    And two people that will be living in different countries for at least a year after only 7 weeks of dating !

    You are about to leave and experience other cultures! Enjoy that and stop limiting yourself !
    Is it in your culture for the girl to ask a guy to have a relationship?

  8. #7
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    Well, look, if you like him and you think you have some connection then of course it's natural to wonder if it could be anything more than just friends. When we're attracted to someone we can't help wondering that. In what way did you spend time with him three times? Were they actual dates or was it for some other reason, like work, study, etc.? If they were not dates then I guess yeah it could come across as really full-on to start talking about a relationship. But if they were dates then obviously this guy is actually interested in you romantically at least in some capacity. I probably wouldn't ask: "What kind of relationship are you looking for?" because after meeting only three times, it's not a relationship.

    The other issue is even if this guy said he likes you, he wouldn't be able to date you for another year in person. It's just pretty unlikely that he would be willing to wait a year for someone he's only seen three times. But if you're into him and you just want to express your interest, then I would do it quite casually. Don't say anything about a relationship but just say something along the lines of: "I've really enjoyed spending time with you, I think you're cute as well. I'd like to stay in touch and hopefully see you again in future". Then see if he wants to add each other on social media to stay in touch that way. However I think to ask him for a one year long distance relationship is just too full-on and unfair to ask him to commit to someone he hardly knows. You could just chat sometimes on Facebook and if he's still single and wants to see you when you move back, then you can try to pick up where you left off. But just don't get too invested because in a year's time he could be married for all you know.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    You two are apparently in different stages of life, hence the struggle of dating. He's probably established in his career. And you're moving for what? Education? Internship? Neither of you should put yourself in limbo as pen pals/Skypeing buddies, when you've know each other mere hours. Don't fall into a yearlong emotional affair from afar, investing a lot of time into someone you really don't know. Have a wait and see attitude. If you're both single when you get back, then you can give dating another shot.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Slow down! As others said you barely know each other so why would you think there could be a relationship so soon especially when you are leaving for a year? Stay in touch if you like but there is no relationship after 3 dates.

  11. #10
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    I know what you mean about the culture thing. I'm not from the States and well... sounds embarrassing now but after the second time I was with my crush, I really did have a breakdown at home later because I couldn't understand why he hadn't asked me to be his girlfriend. Lmao, I know. And worst of all, this was only a few months ago. I've already grown a lot since that time. I just think these things don't have much to do with age, but with (lack of) experience, as well as some cultural differences. In my culture, you don't even really date much, you quickly get married, so that's why I didn't see my thinking style as weird.

    However, it does come down to how much time you've spent together. 3 weeks isn't much. If you really do like him, I can understand the frustration of "losing out" but, it is too soon. So instead, I would continue to stay in touch with him on Kakao while you're gone, maybe even video chat to show him a bit of Korea/what you're up to. Any kind of casual connection. That way, you can maintain a bond with him, continue to get to know him, and can possibly continue on with him when you're back :) But, I would stay away from an LDR. I was in one for too many years, and would never do it again. But yeah, a light and pressure-free friendship sounds like a much better idea until you can see him again a year from now.

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