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Thread: Favoritism No Matter What

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    How long have you been in this job, and how long have you considered this to be a problem?

    If you've been with this company for a length of time and the problem started recently, what changes occurred to bring the problem about? If you're new to the job, do you believe that it's realistic to expect that workers would treat you with the same familiarity that they treat those already established as part of their culture?

    Speaking only for myself, I'm not all that interested in popularity on the job. My focus is on my private goals and delivering good work. I'm pleasant and friendly, but I'm also not easily distracted by 'stuff' going on around me. When my focus is on helping certain people, that's where it stays, and when my focus is on a project, that's where it stays. If someone outside of my scope wants my attention, they need to break my focus to get it. The time flies by as I develop my role and meet the private challenges I've created for myself.

    Is there a group that horses around and doesn't include me? Probably. Does my boss favor others socially? Sure. I don't care. I'm mature and trusted enough to do my job without attention seeking, and I'm capable of forming friendships with people who I select carefully.

    If your boss is entertained by some immature snot, let 'em have at it. If you have little to nothing in common with that person, then what's the loss to you? What is prompting you to keep score in a manner that makes you unhappy?

    If a more socially welcoming environment is important to you, and you've established that this particular culture doesn't meet your desire in that regard, what prevents you from seeking work in a better culture for you?
    The co-worker came on board a month before I did. I began this job in January of this year. I know sometimes that can make a huge difference. Things started changing in the last month. In the last week, the behavior began to get more prominent. What is strange is the sudden behavior changes after all these months. I thought it meant I was going to get fired, but my boss seems happy with my performance.

    I like what you said about my boss and "being entertained by some immature snot." LOL You also confirm what posters here have been saying, just let it go. At this point, with only a week and a half left in the school year, it's a no-brainer. I'm concerned for the future though, having encountered it before and I know there will always be something like this no matter where I go.

    Knowing we've been understaffed, I told my boss I would be back for the new school year. However, things became complicated (aside from this situation), my circumstances changed, and I applied for a job with more hours. In any case, I think it's time for me to advance, as I needed this job in order to break into the field of working with children.

    I thought of bringing it up to my boss and confronting her about what I've noticed, only because I liked her enough to confide in her and share some advice on workplace relations. But at this point, not going to be worth mentioning. She could tell on Friday I was not myself. But at this point, no, I don't need to explain myself anymore than she feels she needs to about her behavior.

    "If someone outside of my scope wants my attention, they need to break my focus to get it. The time flies by as I develop my role and meet the private challenges I've created for myself." Thank you. I admire this attitude. I worry whether or not I may come off as unfriendly, but I know well enough I'm a friendly person and if I've given this vibe off, it's because I take my work seriously. Thank you for sharing your experiences and wisdom.
    Last edited by ider3; 06-02-2019 at 04:58 PM.

  2. #12
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    It's all about earning your paycheck. Continue concentrating and focusing on doing a GREAT job, remain professional yet act natural and kind. It's all you can do. Don't focus on trying to be accepted socially.

    In this world, we're not always well liked by anybody. Unfortunately, many people are cruel or simply do not care about you.

    If you think you give off an unfriendly vibe, then loosen up a bit, don't be so self conscious and remain cordial. If they still won't accept you, then don't lose sleep over this. You can't control how other people are. At work, often times, we're stuck with people whom we don't like for the sake of earning a living. That's life.

    Do a GREAT job, prove that you're an amazing worker and after that, focus on your life OUTSIDE the workplace instead.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ider3
    I'm concerned for the future though, having encountered it before and I know there will always be something like this no matter where I go.
    That's the point--there tends to be archetypes in work cultures. There will always be an attention-seeker who sucks the air out of a room, and there will aways be 'some' people who flock to that person. So why would you want to be part of THAT group? Maturity has us forming different kinds and degrees of friends to meet different needs. Work relationships are their own entity, but the same wisdom applies: Choose your friends carefully.

    Don't mix your personal life into work relationships. Don't discuss ANYone else on the job--not even, or especially not, your boss. Skip that small stuff, and keep relationships professional no matter what.

    That leaves zero room for feeling 'left out' of unprofessional groups. Skip those, they have trouble written all over them. Just be cheerful and business-like, and keep your social life outside of your work life. You will thank yourself countless times every time you see a group turning adversarial against someone--and it will never need to be YOU.

    Originally Posted by ider3
    I thought of bringing it up to my boss and confronting her about what I've noticed, only because I liked her enough to confide in her and share some advice on workplace relations. But at this point, not going to be worth mentioning.
    Confront is a strong, aggressive word. Don't do it on a job. EVER. Nobody needs you to police their behavior, and they will resent you for it, no matter how mildly they appear to respond to it. Keep your eyes on your own paper, and learn how to best avoid those who behave unprofessionally rather than stepping into the trap of trying to control anyone--especially your boss.

    Originally Posted by ider3
    "If someone outside of my scope wants my attention, they need to break my focus to get it. The time flies by as I develop my role and meet the private challenges I've created for myself." Thank you. I admire this attitude. I worry whether or not I may come off as unfriendly, but I know well enough I'm a friendly person and if I've given this vibe off, it's because I take my work seriously. Thank you for sharing your experiences and wisdom.
    There will always be unprofessional clicks. It's smarter to be pleasant but disinterested than to be included among them. Think. Unprofessional by definition means immature. Well, what happens when you regress to mix with that? Immature outcomes--not professional ones. So question your motives for wanting inclusion in that, and figure out how to transfer those needs OUTSIDE of your job rather than in it.

    Work is not a therapeutic environment. Coworker relationships aren't designed to fill needs or voids, they're meant to support professional outcomes. Decide what you need to do in your personal life to avoid bringing needs or voids into the workplace, and you will discover how easily and simply you can enjoy your work without personality conflicts entering into the mix.

    Change your expectations of mixing your social life with your work life, and you will see work culture in a different, less threatening and more enjoyable light.

    Head high.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    That's the point--there tends to be archetypes in work cultures. There will always be an attention-seeker who sucks the air out of a room, and there will aways be 'some' people who flock to that person. So why would you want to be part of THAT group? Maturity has us forming different kinds and degrees of friends to meet different needs. Work relationships are their own entity, but the same wisdom applies: Choose your friends carefully.

    Don't mix your personal life into work relationships. Don't discuss ANYone else on the job--not even, or especially not, your boss. Skip that small stuff, and keep relationships professional no matter what.

    That leaves zero room for feeling 'left out' of unprofessional groups. Skip those, they have trouble written all over them. Just be cheerful and business-like, and keep your social life outside of your work life. You will thank yourself countless times every time you see a group turning adversarial against someone--and it will never need to be YOU.



    Confront is a strong, aggressive word. Don't do it on a job. EVER. Nobody needs you to police their behavior, and they will resent you for it, no matter how mildly they appear to respond to it. Keep your eyes on your own paper, and learn how to best avoid those who behave unprofessionally rather than stepping into the trap of trying to control anyone--especially your boss.



    There will always be unprofessional clicks. It's smarter to be pleasant but disinterested than to be included among them. Think. Unprofessional by definition means immature. Well, what happens when you regress to mix with that? Immature outcomes--not professional ones. So question your motives for wanting inclusion in that, and figure out how to transfer those needs OUTSIDE of your job rather than in it.

    Work is not a therapeutic environment. Coworker relationships aren't designed to fill needs or voids, they're meant to support professional outcomes. Decide what you need to do in your personal life to avoid bringing needs or voids into the workplace, and you will discover how easily and simply you can enjoy your work without personality conflicts entering into the mix.

    Change your expectations of mixing your social life with your work life, and you will see work culture in a different, less threatening and more enjoyable light.

    Head high.
    Thank you for the advice, catfeeder, about not bringing personal information into a conversation about other employees or the boss. Yes, I do avoid this. I would say that my usage of the word confront is a bit harsh and it's probably not what I meant. It seems my boss and I have had good rapport to the point to where I could bring up the social exclusion I've been feeling. In any case, this is such a sensitive subject and I'm still on the fence about this.

    For those feeling lost and frustrated, I found a link on the subject. It defines exactly how I've been feeling and offers a very reasonable look at social exclusion.

    Social Exclusion in the Workplace
    [Register to see the link]

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Favoritism No Matter What

    I am one of those people that wears ripped jeans, thong underwear (no half shirts tho) has a mouth like a trucker and a raunchy sense of humour... and I am 47 yo with a career in management at one of the biggest software companies in the world and a kickass bod from doing CrossFit. At this stage of the game if thatís who I wanna be I am going to own it! I am fully capable of being a professional at work and letting my hair down on weekends.

    My point is... judging someone by the way they dress, talk, or look is only going to make you feel disconnected and excluded. It tells you nothing about who that person is or what their values are. I donít think what you wear or whether you drop the occasional f-bomb matters... what matters is that you do you and rock your authentic self!

    Honestly it sounds like the culture of your workplace isnít conducive to contributing to your social life... thatís okay because at the end of the day you are there to do your job and it sounds like you have a good work ethic.

    Try to look beyond the surface to the good qualities of people. Instead of waiting to be included in the conversation, jump in when you have something to say... or just chill out and listen.

  7. #16
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    I take it this has happened elsewhere? If you expect to be left out, that's what will end up happening. I agree you seem to give off a hostile judgmental vibe.

    If you expect others to accept you as you are, then you need to learn to accept others as they are.

    If you're body language is negative enough that your boss notices, others notice too and it's off putting.

    Do you engage first with others or wait around to be included? Do you take an interest in them? Notice positive things about them?

    People skills are something that can be learned. Maybe try CBT therapy and role playing to break this negative mind set.

  8. #17
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    I prefer to keep my personal and professional lives separate. I do this out of self preservation. When I first started working where I am now, I let people know that I would not be adding them on social media--not out of being rude, but out of keeping my boundaries. DOn't let the other workers and their gossip/groupiness intimidate you. Do you really want to be part of a group that spies on ex employees?

  9. #18
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I don't have control over who my company hires and the only reason we are thrown together and have to spend half (or more) or our waking days together is because we have the same employer.

    If I were to take in consideration the 200 people I work with, there are only maybe 3 of them I think I would socialize with outside of work. (plus the nature of what I do makes it difficult to be 'friends' with most coworkers)

    I've worked other places where the numbers were higher, but it changes with each job.

    As the same time, work is much more enjoyable if you click with your coworkers. But it's not as if you sought them out. You don't have a choice in the matter. (Other than finding another job)

    I have plenty of friends at home. I focus on that. I come here to get a paycheck.

  10. 07-12-2019, 01:29 AM

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