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Thread: Where do I go from here

  1. #1

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    Where do I go from here

    So first off back in 2014 I had an affair on my wife. I deeply regretted it i would do anything to take it back especially after she stayed because of our kids. We went to a marriage counselor and we were communicating better than we ever have. At first I felt like it was her that pushed me to do it. My wife admitted she had shut down but I didn't know how to break through to her and ultimately I made the choice to cheat. After counseling I understood it was both of us that failed at our marriage but the affair was all on me.

    Fast forward so felt like things have been doing pretty good overall here lately. Beside her play a game on her iPad not stop and i have been pretty vocal about it but overall I couldn't complain. Then i put a camera in our bedroom to spice it up. I go to take kid fishing one even and i get a text that camera had been activated so i look and see she is making a vidio and im thinking I'm getting ready to be the luckiest guy. But after she is finished she fixes the bed to make it look like she was never in it . Then I knew something was wrong. So after i get home i confront her and she admits to making the video but didn't like it and erased it. I say that sucks I would really liked to have seen it and it looked awful suspicious. Going to bed that night my wheels are spinning so i go and load up an app to recover deleted photos. All these photos come up of pics she is sending and and receiving from another guy. I wake here up and confront her again all she says is she is not happy and he makes her feel good. I'm crushed I ask her why we know from before there was other options. Its been about a week now nothing really resolved she says we just need to be apart right now while she figures it out. She is saying she didn't mean to hurt me but she has developed feeling for him. ( to boot he lives in another country) I ask how she meet him and she says an app and it was just talk at first but became more.

    I guess im okay with her needing some time meanwhile i have been sleeping in a spare bedroom. I feel like i am being punished when she is done the wrong. She tells me she hasn't talked to him but has changed the password on her phone so obviously I have doughts. I just been trying to let her know I'm here but at same time it killing me that she still might be talking to this guy and i just need to sit here an wait for her to make up her mind.

    When i had the affair i was an open book did whatever she need me to do to make her feel more secure. I deleted FB account call and checked in several time a day. Now that the role is reversed I'm just left to be an emotional roller coaster

    I have been trying to show here how much I love her and still give her space.

    She has been in a dark place lately loosing her brother to suicide about a year ago and dealing with emotions from that with her family, being mom, working, be a wife.

    On a positive note she has still be wearing her wedding rings.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member LC8328's Avatar
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    Well that's quite a lot to happen to just one couple in a short amount of time.

    For what it's worth, you seem like you have genuinely changed and really do want to make your wife happy. This is why I'm sorry to have to tell you...in spite of the marriage counseling and in spite of you being an open book with her, you have lost her. Neither one of you is the same person you were when you first got married.

    You are right to give her space so she can work out her very complicated feelings, especially with the other stressful things she has going on in her life. I would even go so far as to move out to truly give her that space. I know you love her and want to be with her, but she has to have those same feelings with no confusion or baggage, and that is not the case right now. I wish I had something more insightful to say but I wish you both the best.

  3. #3
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    A lot to unpack here.

    My first question is regarding the camera. Did your wife know the camera was there? It seems strange to me that she would record videos for another man on the same camera that she knew you had access to. It also strikes me as odd that this camera is connected to an app if it was just meant to be spice things up. Is it in fact a surveillance-type camera, OP?

    None of this explains/excuses why she is making sexy videos for anyone other than you, to be clear, but I am curious why the camera was there to begin with and what that might suggest about the state of your marriage leading up to this and whether you already had suspicions.

    That aside for a moment, you caught her red-handed. What she is doing with this man is wrong, full-stop. You can be sure she is still talking to him and hoping that he wants her too. Are you sure he's in another country? I would tell her that if she wants space, she can go to the spare bedroom. Not you. She should be held to the same standards of openness and transparency that she rightly expected of you when you cheated; she doesn't get to change the goalposts now that she's the one cheating.

    I would make a private call to an attorney to find out what your rights and obligations are in the event of a split. Get informed. I would also call the marriage counselor who helped you before, if possible. Get his/her take on the situation, as they have some of the background information on your marriage and can probably at least help you untangle your own emotions. You have a long road ahead of you, unfortunately.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I don't suggest you move out until you've talked to a lawyer and advised of your rights and obligations. Yu have children so you may be accused of abandoning them if they are still young. That wouldn't look good at any custody hearing.

    I suggest that rather than giving her space you communicate to her and ask her what she is doing and does her recent activities indicate that she wishes to end the marriage. If yes then do what your lawyer suggested. If no then boundaries need to be established, zero contact with her cam partner begun, deletion of the app she met him on and her own personal therapy is in order to figure out what the hell is going on in her head.

    Me? I'd just see the lawyer and start the process of ending the union. You cheat/she cheats and marriage counseling hasn't done a damn thing to get the two of you back on track to re-establishing the emotional connection a relationship needs to keep it healthy and functioning.

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  6. #5

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    She knew about the cameras and i had joked about putting one of them in there and she just gave me one of those looks like you better not. If you get a chance look the camera's up WYZE the cameras set up through an app and no other charge beside buying the camera and each camera is only $20. I really didnt suspect any thing . I biggest complaint is her playing some war craft game on her ipad constantly. Somewhere in last month she downloaded
    Some dating app on her phone and thats how they met. From the name and little bit of research i did he is from out of this country.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Cheating is an escape..sometimes we can come back with regret, and other times we realize we are in a marriage we don't want to be in. Obviously she has been unhappy with her marriage even before you were cheating, and that wasn't addressed in the most honest manner. I have a feeling your affair was the main focus of those counseling sessions, which over road the issue with her. People are afraid to admit they want out for fear of failure, fear of letting down their partner, and their kids, both families, friends. I think she was in that position where she was too scared too embarrassed to admit it, so instead she shut down and went through the motions. Hey I know people who had kids thinking it would introduce a deeper emotional connection to their marriage, only to find out they were wrong.
    Anyways the jig is up, this marriage is on it's way out. Just set things in place with a lawyer, talk to family, get assets sorted, custody figured out and move on with your lives.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Probuck
    She knew about the cameras and i had joked about putting one of them in there and she just gave me one of those looks like you better not. If you get a chance look the camera's up WYZE the cameras set up through an app and no other charge beside buying the camera and each camera is only $20. I really didnt suspect any thing . I biggest complaint is her playing some war craft game on her ipad constantly. Somewhere in last month she downloaded
    Some dating app on her phone and thats how they met. From the name and little bit of research i did he is from out of this country.
    That's how a friend of mine met her SO. She was playing wow, met him, started an affair while she was living with someone else. Now they are engaged and on their second baby.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by Probuck
    She knew about the cameras and i had joked about putting one of them in there and she just gave me one of those looks like you better not. If you get a chance look the camera's up WYZE the cameras set up through an app and no other charge beside buying the camera and each camera is only $20. I really didnt suspect any thing . I biggest complaint is her playing some war craft game on her ipad constantly. Somewhere in last month she downloaded
    Some dating app on her phone and thats how they met. From the name and little bit of research i did he is from out of this country.
    That doesn't sound as though she actually knew it was there, OP. Joking about installing a security camera is not the same as directly telling her it is there and connected to an app on your phone. The whole situation is just...odd.

    Anyway, you now know she has largely checked out of your marriage. Camera or not, what she is doing is unacceptable and you might just be looking at the end of the road for you two. The fact that she was on a dating app to begin with suggests she's been looking for your replacement for a while. Again, I would advise you to speak to a lawyer.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Probuck
    ...especially after she stayed because of our kids.
    Marking time will not renew the marriage you broke.
    This day will be no different to her than the first day she learned of your infidelity.

    Pay-to-play counseling, workshops, weird cameras, and other gimmicks won't move her off that day.

    Only real reconciliation and a new marriage can do that.

  11. #10
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    You should off had her move to the spare bedroom.

    Like you have said you did everything you could to fix the wrong you did.

    Your wife is doing nothing.

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