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Thread: More than friends?

  1. #1

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    More than friends?

    I met a wonderful girl 18 months ago and slowly in that time we've become very close friends. We can't go that long without needing to see each other and she has told me on several occasions that she misses me. We have so much in common, we can talk for hours and are truly comfortable with each other. Whenever we meet up, it's just the 2 of us and we do datey things - drinks, dinner, walks, etc.

    I started to develop very strong feelings towards her during this time and realised the connection we have is strong and meaningful and that there's more to us than friendship.

    I told her this and she more or less agreed, except to say that because we've never been more than friends that it's hard to know whether we have that spark or chemistry to make it work as a relationship. Furthermore, she didn't want us to go on any dates as she felt that it puts pressure on us to try and force something to work between us. Instead, she wants us to continue to see each other, as we do, and to see where things lead and where things take us naturally.

    She also expressed to me her worries that she would lose me as a friend if things between us didn't work out. I have given her multiple opportunities to walk away from a potential us. I have told her many times that if a relationship with me is not what she wants, then for the good of our friendship she must tell me this. However, she has told me that she would want to give us a try, that I am perfect for her, but all that is missing right now is that spark.

    She is an incredibly shy girl and I'm quite a shy guy myself. We are still seeing each other a lot, and I have even been introduced to her family recently. She's since come round to mine to meet my family as well. If anything, we have become even closer. The touch between us is also increasing and I feel we're now stuck somewhere in the middle of friendship and relationship. It seem neither one thing or the other.

    Now I'm looking for the right moment and right time to ignite that spark between us. I know that it's there, but I don't want it to feel contrived now. I continuously question whether I am what she really wants and if this is her way of being nice and keeping me as a friend and not hurting my feelings. I am not sure what happens next or if this can go anywhere...

  2. #2
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    Here is my advice from someone probably quite a bit older...

    You have nothing to lose. You will lose her anyways.

    The thing is with close heterosexual opposite-sex relationships like this, is that they mostly either lead to you being together or torn apart. In my experience and observations, if you donít get together, one of you will move on to someone else and that ďotherĒ person will (correctly) sense the connection and (correctly) see it as a threat. They usually donít stay the same. The ones that stick are the truly casual ones where there is - and never has been - any feelings between you.

    Thatís my experience anyways.

    So - as grim as that sounds - itís also very positive. You have nothing to lose, so you should really just go for it, IMO.

    Time for a kiss when the time is right. :)

  3. #3
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    She keeps pumping the brakes on this and you're looking for an opportunity to ignite a spark.

    The problem here is if shes not feeling one then you don't have a willing participant for something more.

    This is totally up to you. You have a good friend and companion. You are at risk of becoming more invested, taking a risk and losing a friend. I'd step back some, reign in my expectations and wait for sign from her. Be prepared to not get one.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'd say go for it also but leave off on comments like this: "I have told her many times that if a relationship with me is not what she wants, then for the good of our friendship she must tell me this." It comes across as whiny and pathetic in the least aggressive light and angry-sounding/frustrated in the worst light even though I understand you don't intend it that way at all. You're putting a lot of pressure on her to make the call and walk away from a good friendship and decide if she wants to be with you and all the while, you haven't made a move! To me, you sound underhanded and passive aggressive.

    Stay positive like RedDress says and go in for a kiss at the right time. If she's not interested in pursuing that, move on. This limbo-land is not healthy for either of you, especially you, who seem to want an answer more than her. Friends come and go in your life. If you both part ways, more friendships will follow.

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  6. #5
    Gold Member smackie9's Avatar
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    She is so emotionally addicted to you, she's blowin smoke up your butt about "maybe" we could be more, just to keep you around. You are already in the friends zone and hanging out more isn't going to get you out of it. If she was soooo into you the way you are into her, she wouldn't be putting on the brakes, she would be stepping on the gas. How do I know this? because I was in her shoes more than once. As I got older, I realize what I was doing was stupid and hurtful to the guy...I admit I was being selfish.

  7. #6

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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I'd say go for it also but leave off on comments like this: "I have told her many times that if a relationship with me is not what she wants, then for the good of our friendship she must tell me this." It comes across as whiny and pathetic in the least aggressive light and angry-sounding/frustrated in the worst light even though I understand you don't intend it that way at all. You're putting a lot of pressure on her to make the call and walk away from a good friendship and decide if she wants to be with you and all the while, you haven't made a move! To me, you sound underhanded and passive aggressive.
    I didn't word it as un-diplomatically as that to her! I just wanted to reassure her that saying no to us was okay. I realise what I have asked of her and recognise that it takes time to think and process.

    I guess we are both very passive people.

  8. #7
    Gold Member smackie9's Avatar
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    That's the thing about female brains...we can have a deep emotional connection with a guy without having any romantic feelings or sexual attraction.


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