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Thread: in love vs just being comfortable

  1. #1
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    in love vs just being comfortable

    Hi all, i would like to get some advice on this, the issue comes down to comfort vs passion..
    I'm getting married pretty soon (in a few months)..although deep down i know everything will be fine and that i do the right thing (as I have done tons of 'pros and cons' analysis, anyone who knows me well would know i analyze things very carefully before making a decision) sometimes i still have doubts...because well..some people might say 'the person you marry should be the person you REALLY love' admittedly, if you ask me if love my fiance then i would say i don't love him in a way it's depicted in a movie or romantic songs. But it is worth mentioning that it's really hard for me to fall in love..i only ever experienced it once when i was in high school, we dated for a short period of time. I loved him because he was really my type (cold, distant, and an introvert just like me). and my fiance is the opposite, he often makes me laugh lol. maybe that's one of reasons why i think my love for him isn't genuine given the fact that he's not my type. or maybe my feelings for him is also love, but perhaps a mature version of love?

    I feel free to be myself, i can talk basically anything to him, i am very secretive person so obviously it's not that i open up to him 100% but as someone who is VERY complicated, has attachment issue and hardly trust people, it's totally clear that i'm comfortable enough around him and can talk to him about things that i might not be able to talk about with anyone else.. yes he has his own imperfections but he's a good guy and I know I can rely on him.

    I wouldn't call off the marriage but ppl's statement about 'one should marry someone he/she loves very deeply' has been bothering me for sooo long..

    Thanks in advance :)

  2. #2
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    This is a tricky one.

    Perhaps you do have some commitment and attachment issues. Or maybe you've just never been that into him but tried to convince yourself to stay because it makes sense on paper.

    How long have you been together? Have you always felt lukewarm about him?

  3. #3
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    This is me! Exactly! Wow. Are you a Gemini ?

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    Originally Posted by shay2326
    This is me! Exactly! Wow. Are you a Gemini ?
    For the record, I happen to be a Gemini as well. And what OP described is certainly not characteristic of my approach to relationships.

    Whatever is going on here is not related to her date of birth.

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    Thanks for the replies

    @MissCanuck
    I do have attachment issues but no commitment issues. I'm fully committed to this relationship..but if you say i try to convince myself then it kinda makes sense. We've only been together for 2,5 years, despite that i think we know each other well.. I don't think i feel lukewarm about him, i am really looking forward to our future for example, but yeah, as you said, it's a tricky one. I think i do love him in my 'own' way but on the other hand i really wonder if people should have very deep romantic feelings towards their husband. I'm not romantic person to begin with so i really have no idea.. i don't think i'm capable of loving anyone in romantic way at this point (the aforementioned ex was the only exception)

    @Shay2326
    I can't reveal my zodiac sign online.. but i'm sorry you're also facing the same problem :(

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    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by crscnt
    Thanks for the replies

    @MissCanuck
    I do have attachment issues but no commitment issues. I'm fully committed to this relationship..but if you say i try to convince myself then it kinda makes sense. We've only been together for 2,5 years, despite that i think we know each other well.. I don't think i feel lukewarm about him, i am really looking forward to our future for example, but yeah, as you said, it's a tricky one. I think i do love him in my 'own' way but on the other hand i really wonder if people should have very deep romantic feelings towards their husband. I'm not romantic person to begin with so i really have no idea.. i don't think i'm capable of loving anyone in romantic way at this point (the aforementioned ex was the only exception)

    @Shay2326
    I can't reveal my zodiac sign online.. but i'm sorry you're also facing the same problem :(
    There are different types of love. Sometimes the love we have for partners changes over time, as well. Did you ever go through a "hot" period with this guy? Would you say you guys are a lot like friends or do you desire him at all physically?

  8. #7
    Member shay2326's Avatar
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    I’m not facing it. I meant the way you are in general. A lot like me.

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    Hi there,
    I came on this site specifically looking to see if anyone had a similar issue to mine and here it is! I feel exactly how you feel.
    I’m 26 and have been with my bf for a little over a year. When I met him, I really liked him and felt that he had most of the main qualities I was looking for in a long term partner. I have also been in love once before (3 year relationship and had lived with the guy, but he ultimately was not as serious about the relationship as I was in the end).
    I did fall in love with my current partner about 6 months into the relationship, but it still wasn’t this strong feeling I had felt before. After a few months though, I started to not feel as strong as I wanted to feel. Or I at least wanted to mirror how much he appeared to like me.
    He’s a nice guy that is respectful of me and goes out of his way to show me how much he cares about me.
    We have fun together and can talk for hours and I can actually open up to him about deep topics, which is also something I struggle with with other people.
    At the end of the day though, I don’t feel as strongly as I want to. I do also understand though that love is not just a feeling, but so much more and ultimately a decision we make towards someone every day.
    I am just as confused as you are regarding the notion that one should marry only someone they are deeply in love with. I see my friends that we sooo in love with their partners, and I wonder why I can’t be the same. I have so many thoughts surrounding this but no conclusion. I guess I figure that as long as you are generally happy and not unhappy with your relationship the end of the day, everything will be ok.
    I can’t give any more input as I’m confused myself, but I wanted you to know that you are not the only one with this struggle. I understand how stressful feeling this was is, as it is something that makes up your entire future.
    May I ask how long have you guys been together? Do you live together? Has he ever mentioned feeling any way similar? Have you mentioned feeling this way to him?

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by SGH
    There are different types of love. Sometimes the love we have for partners changes over time, as well. Did you ever go through a "hot" period with this guy? Would you say you guys are a lot like friends or do you desire him at all physically?
    thanks for your reply. Hmm.. i honestly don't know what 'desiring someone physically' feels like, as well as a hot period.. I believe i did, but i'm not sure if i can call that a hot period.. As far as i remember, it just felt like i was really grateful and happy. but not that i'm unhappy now.. so i am confused.. i'm also happy with him even now. it's just i really don't know if i have to force myself to love him in the way most people do or i can just love him in my own way, without changing anything. I believe 'loving someone' too deep isn't healthy anyways

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    Hi Npgirl09, thanks for you reply. I am glad to know i am not alone in this, you sound a lot like me too...i hope you'll also figure it out soon

    We've only been together for 2.5 years. We don't live together, we're currently renovating our new house and will move in once we get married. He never mentioned feeling any way similar. unlike me, he's not complicated and in fact he's very simple guy. I've always analyzed everything, and our relationship, ask myself why he's the right person etc etc etc, but he doesn't. If i ask him why he is so sure about me then he only answered along the lines of 'I dont think too much about it, i only know i love you and i'm happy with you' thats all. I have mentioned feeling this way to him 'indirectly', and he responded 'you can just get through it' or something. he believes that we'll be fine. He's very sensitive person so i only can express my concern about this issue indirectly

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