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Thread: Female friend

  1. #41
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    Wiseman, you are right...I think I need a professional help. It is not normal to be worried about things like this....I am overly insecure. Why ? No idea, maybe because I was extremely overweight since childhood until a few years ago....maybe in my mind I still look the same?
    I feel like his female friend is better than me....can you imagine?
    That he would rather reveal things to her than to me.... although I have no evidence that this is the case.
    He told me long time that questions will not change much. If someone wants to do something, he will do. I agree. So perhaps I won't be asking him about it.
    I will be seeking some professional help as I always ruin things with my insecurities and anxiety.
    I think he is the most balanced and emotionally healthy man I ever been with it. It is me who is damaged.

  2. #42
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'm happy to hear you're taking the idea of professional help seriously, Irka. Regardless of how he feels about you, these are simply not rational thoughts and not conducive to healthy relationships.

    There is something inside of you that doubts that you are worthy to be someone's—anyone's—girlfriend. That you're with a man who is independent in nature—who travels alone, who has friends of the opposite sex, who is on good terms with the mother of his children—is a particularly steep hill to find comfort on. But I think you'd find yourself feeling this way with just about anyone.

  3. #43
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    Bluecastle I cherish your advices on this forum. This time you are also not wrong.
    Yes. It is me - not really him. As I said he is a well balanced man.
    It would be a pity to throw this away as believe it or not ,it is the best relationship I had to date.
    I guess time will tell.

  4. #44
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I believe he's well-balanced. Whether this is the best relationship you've had? Well, you know your history. What I know—about myself—is that if I felt even two percent of the anxiety you've felt in this relationship I wouldn't be able to stay in it, no matter how dynamic or beautiful or promising the woman was, no matter how much we laughed or how great the sex was. Those feelings in and of themselves would just be a sign that something isn't working. They're just not feelings I have the appetite to feel. I'd rather be alone, genuinely.

    I've got a closet load of issues—because I am, like you, a human being—but this sort of anxiety is not one of them. If my lovely girlfriend a few rooms away decides another man is better, or is right now communicating with another man—well, her loss. That's kind of my baseline. Maybe that sounds harsh or arrogant, but I think it's essential for connection. Not only does it bring me comfort and security, but it allows me to be fully present with her, with what I both know about her and don't know, and to be accepting of wherever we go together, even if, ultimately, it's into a brick wall and not a land of rainbows and unicorns.

    I've dated people—and been in longterm relationships with people—who are anxious in the ways you are, and I admit I gravitate toward threads like this because I've been in the man's shoes. Nervous whenever I got a text, nervous when I had to fly somewhere for work. That was kind of there from the start and it was so corrosive. It made real intimacy almost impossible, and created an unhealthy dynamic where I think we both kind of thought that things would get really good once things settled down, the jitters faded, the loop of suspicion and soothing ended. That was just an illusion, though, one made seductive my some base level human stuff: attraction, chemistry, fears of being alone, and so on. The loop was not a snag in the relationship; it was the relationship.

    Make no mistake: I do not think those women were "damaged" or "weak." I was part of that, as were my issues, my "damage" and dark corners. In one case in particular I think a lot of her anxiety was spot-on intuition that she was suppressing. I wasn't cheating, wasn't roaming, but I was not fully "in it." I did not feel for her what he felt for me, and probably I enjoyed the comfort of that. We both knew this on some deep core frequency, and I think we were both ashamed of it, from different angles. And it was that shame, far more than love and affection, that allowed us to keep going. It was the fuel in the engine. It did not make for a smooth ride because it was a dishonest journey. Those little "bumps," as people often put it—I think they are often caused by a relationship colliding into the lies one or both people are telling in order to make the relationship work.

    Those relationships had their good sides—and those were fantastic women—but they were never healthy, and not sustainable. I'm grateful for them—even the one that ended up causing me tremendous pain—because they forced me to dig deep, to understand myself a bit better and clean the corrosion from the pipes. I think this relationship can, and should, be that for you. And maybe you can do that self-work without letting it go—who knows? But if you can answer that call—if you can see this issue as your spirit screaming out for some attention, from you, not him—I think you'll be taking a big step closer to thing you really want right now, which is a sense of security that only you can provide for yourself and that will make the business of being in a relationship a fun one, not a fraught one.

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  6. #45
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    Bluecastle, thank you for taking your time and responding in such depth, as always. I so much appreciate your input.
    I was single for almost 5 years and was happy. No demons to face. It was easy.
    He is very patient and insightful. It's not about sex, laughter or quality time. Although these are brilliant.
    I believe there is a deep connection between us and that's why I don't want to give up on this just yet to work on myself....
    I would love to combine both....
    I like your way of thinking about your partner. That if they will choose to go, it is their loss....so very true.
    You see I create thought in my mind and begin to believe it so it become so real that it changes my attitude. I am so consumed by the fact that there is something between him and this woman, that I feel almost upset with him.
    I need to control this as he has no idea this is in my head.
    He would be puzzled why I am cold towards him.
    So yes, I am damaged ,time to admit. I know that if not this, I would have such a peaceful life and an amazing relationship.
    Thank you All

  7. #46
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    Sounds to me like maybe you're a bit overly insecure.

    And he's doing things that are clearly beyond what normal relationship boundaries would accept.

    Combine these two and he's throwing gas on a fire.

    Attached men shouldn't be going on "dates" with female friends their partners don't know. A reasonable person would have made concessions to that scenario like hey Jane (whatever her name is, and it shouldn't be "baby"). Since you've never met my girlfriend its probably best if either she comes with me or we do this another time.

  8. #47
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by irka000
    I woke up concerned thinking that maybe my boyfriend and his female friend will get closer after that dinner.
    Is that possible after 24 years of friendship?
    He is more often than usual on what's app. Maybe they are constantly in touch....
    Can ask him about it ? After that dinner I only said I was disappointed that he didn't respond to my message as he does when he is with me. He apologised and said my message made him smile but he didn't think it required a response.
    He said I knew where he was and I could simply call him anytime as he has nothing to hide.
    Somehow, the fact he didn't tell me anything more about their dinner, makes me wonder if they connected on another level.
    He invited me for dinner last night but funny enough we spoke about other things and I didn't ask him anything about it.
    Today I have all sorts of things going through my head. What if she would make a move on him ? Will express more interest ?
    I don't know what question can I ask that would give me the answer I need ....
    We are going to see this weekend. I wanted to talk about it. Perhaps find out if there was any history between them. If he sees a possibility to be with her since they understand each other so well.
    I am a mess today.....
    Why is it you don't feel he loves you? What makes you so edgy? Is he not showing you that he loves and cares for you? Have you never had a discussion about exclusivity?

    The quote above makes you sound like basket case and if you're feeling that much anxiety about his loyalty to you then you are with the wrong guy.

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