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Thread: Female friend

  1. #31
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    >>I could tell you that I've gone to dinner with a female friend, plenty of times, in the 5 months I've been with my girlfriend—but then, dang it, I'd have to explain that my girlfriend knows this friend well, because I made a point of introducing them early and that we all hang out regularly so it's no big thing, and that I'd never throw something like a Saturday dinner with a woman she's never met at her sideways because (a) I respect the sh*t out of her and what we're building and (b) I just know, in my bones and cells, that her patience for something like that would be next to nil. It's a lot of what I find so attractive about her, which is to say it's where a lot of that respect comes from. <<
    __

    Well said, blue, wow. A bit blown away actually.

    Re paragraph above, that's the difference irka.

    Blue's gf knows his female friends, he has introduced them, they've all hung out! He hasn't kept them a secret from her nor has he kept her a secret from them.

    And the underlined comment, please pay close attention to that. About how he also knows if he were to toss at her what your bf tossed at you, she'd just never tolerate it, may even lose her over it. And how, due to her strong boundaries, he has a tremendous amount of respect for her.

    My bf feels same about me. I may "rock the boat" sometimes, and have no fear of doing so, no fear he might get mad or leave (if he does, so be it, that's my attitude), and my bf respects me tons for that, he's told me!

    You think you're "scoring points" or drawing him closer by being Miss Understanding, shuffling your true feelings under the rug, "making nice," when in actuality you're doing just the opposite.

    You're sending him the message you have zero boundaries, you lack self-respect, you'll say and do anything to keep him, you fear losing him, and I will tell you, which I have had men tell me, that one of the biggest mistakes a woman can make is sending him the message that she's afraid to lose him.

    You're handing all your self-respect and power over to him on a silver platter, and he's more than happy to eat it up, and enjoy it, which appears to be what's happening now.

    But will most likely, in time, spit it out, and sadly, you with it.

    I'm sorry this sounded harsh, but damn irka, it really pains me when I read threads like this, I wish I were there, I'd give you a good shake! Lol

    But I'm not, so that leaves you to give yourself a good shake.

    Please cut and paste blue's post to your fridge or something - read it every morn!
    Last edited by katrina1980; 06-01-2019 at 07:36 PM.

  2. #32
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    Originally Posted by irka000
    Perhaps that's it's a good description of my situation.
    You see, I thought to pick my battles as if I would be commenting on everything I would be commenting quite often.
    We still getting to know one another and not everything what's normal for him ,it's normal for me.
    Likewise.
    Maybe he didn't introduce me yet to her cause they haven't spoken for some time. As I said I only recently met his male friends.
    Maybe she wanted to speak with him privately about something. I have no idea. I always assume the worst. That's me.
    He texted me early to ask about my plans for tomorrow. I responded and I haven't heard back. He is obviously busy with her.
    I am annoyed cause he always respond to her calls and texts when he is with me. However, looks like their time together is more precious.
    I agree that this woman has no respect for our relationship that she asked him out for Saturday evening. Maybe wanted to check if he will agree or not ?
    I am sad ....as hell.
    Man, this guy just doesn't know when to stop, does he.

    Between tossing this Saturday night date at you "sideways," responding to all her calls and texts while spending time with you, calling her "baby" right in front of your face, it's almost seems like he's intentionally toying w you, sh** testing your boundaries, or attempting to determine if you have any boundaries at all.

    In short, a total mind f***.

    God I wish you would dump him irka, I hope someday you'll realize you deserve better and find the strength to do so.

    I'm feeling for you tonight -- ((hugs)).

  3. #33
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I don't think it's fair—or, really, respectful—to Irka to say this guy is toying with her. She's not a kitten, but an adult. This is a dynamic they are building together: two adults making choices, both in how they conduct themselves in general and with each other. The relationship they are in is a product of those choices, just as staying in it is a choice they both make.

    So while I feel for you, Irka, I don't think you are a victim of anything here.

    We can all commiserate about the ways in which he is disrespecting you—and, yes, he is—but I think you're making an informed and conscious choice to stay with someone you don't hold in high respect and never really have, whose character and integrity you have doubted for many months.

    Figuring out what's behind that choice is tough, but I think it's worth asking if it's tougher than nights like this.

  4. #34
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    ^ Not sure how you're defining "toying" but I certainly meant no disrespect to irka.

    She said herself she felt he might be testing her (boundaries) which is what I meant, and agreeing w her by saying it almost sounds like he is toying w her = testing boundaries, intentionally.

    I have no idea if that's actually what's happening, but I don't think it's this huge leap to suspect he is, or might be, given the blatant nature of his actions towards this girl "friend" while spending time w irka as explained in my last post.

    I do agree she is no victim, she is a willing participant in this drama and has been from the get go.

    Nevertheless, I do feel badly for her, and can empathize with how she's feeling tonight, which is why I gave her hugs.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 06-02-2019 at 01:08 AM.

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  6. #35
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    I'm not sure I would say "toying" but I would say he isn't understanding her or considering her feelings.

    I get the impression that this man is more about him and what he wants, etc. Like the trip to Thailand and not even talking to her about it.

    He's not really interested in what Irka thinks or how it affects her. He wants to do as he wants and will sneak and hide if it means he has to.

    No one wants that kind of partner. This guy really doesn't sound like he's evolved enough for a serious relationship.

    He thinks too much about himself and not about his partner. And a relationship won't work with it being like that. It can continue but it won't be a healthy, happy one.

  7. #36
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I mean, I could easily join Greg in offering you some nuanced words that'll make the next 24 hours more manageable. I could tell you that I've gone to dinner with a female friend, plenty of times, in the 5 months I've been with my girlfriend—but then, dang it, I'd have to explain that my girlfriend knows this friend well, because I made a point of introducing them early and that we all hang out regularly so it's no big thing, and that I'd never throw something like a Saturday dinner with a woman she's never met at her sideways because (a) I respect the sh*t out of her and what we're building and (b) I just know, in my bones and cells, that her patience for something like that would be next to nil. It's a lot of what I find so attractive about her, which is to say it's where a lot of that respect comes from.
    Bravo!! The world needs more men like this.

  8. #37
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Agree with both of the above ^^. And I very much feel for Irka too.

    Either he consciously or subconsciously is pushing nonsensical boundaries, something that generally fades after the first mont, or he's just immune to seeing past his own nose, which can be a permanent condition.

    Neither is much fun, and I think Irka, who I'm picking up on is a lot of fun past the spins, deserves better.

  9. #38
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I don't think it's fair—or, really, respectful—to Irka to say this guy is toying with her. She's not a kitten, but an adult. This is a dynamic they are building together: two adults making choices, both in how they conduct themselves in general and with each other. The relationship they are in is a product of those choices, just as staying in it is a choice they both make.

    So while I feel for you, Irka, I don't think you are a victim of anything here.

    We can all commiserate about the ways in which he is disrespecting you—and, yes, he is—but I think you're making an informed and conscious choice to stay with someone you don't hold in high respect and never really have, whose character and integrity you have doubted for many months.

    Figuring out what's behind that choice is tough, but I think it's worth asking if it's tougher than nights like this
    .
    This, this, this and your previous post completely on point.

    The facts are here slapping everyone in the face...shes not a victim, this is their tango, shes been doing this for I'd guess the entirety of their relationship and I want to kinda piggyback off of a response jman gave on Mandees latest post where he pointed out a huge fact that we as responders tend to forget and thats, that there are two sides to every story.

    We are viewing this story through the eyes of a woman who has extreme anxiety issues and taking it as gospel...

    Is this man a jerk? Is he toying with her? Is he even being a bad boyfriend or is his every move scrutinized? Is she attracted to his percieved untrustworthiness and the back and forth?

    Originally Posted by irka000
    Ever since the issue with his children' mother we had a honest conversation and things between us did blossom. He took me for the weekend away for my birthday to Paris and we had an amazing time. Then we spent weekend at his place
    Originally Posted by irka000
    We had our bumps but since about 2 months things couldn't be any better.
    Originally Posted by irka000
    Otherwise we are good. He told me recently that he feels with me closer than ever. Some of you will disbelief given my insecurities so far, but overall we are good.
    3 separate posts, every time the previous life alerting issue is swept under the rug to focus on the new life altering dilemma...Chicken or egg.

    I mean no disrespect irka, but I simply dont think all this is all that deep, and honestly once your anxiety dissipates you go back to normal, all this analysis when you go right back anyway... its because its not complex, theres nothing Freudian going on, you simply have anxiety and trust issues and they are manifesting in your relationship.

    This relationship is either doomed or you will continue with this dynamic, there is no inbetween, not without you healing and youve made it this long and its this bad, I dont know how open you are to looking within...
    Last edited by figureitout23; 06-02-2019 at 03:50 AM.

  10. #39
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    I woke up concerned thinking that maybe my boyfriend and his female friend will get closer after that dinner.
    Is that possible after 24 years of friendship?
    He is more often than usual on what's app. Maybe they are constantly in touch....
    Can ask him about it ? After that dinner I only said I was disappointed that he didn't respond to my message as he does when he is with me. He apologised and said my message made him smile but he didn't think it required a response.
    He said I knew where he was and I could simply call him anytime as he has nothing to hide.
    Somehow, the fact he didn't tell me anything more about their dinner, makes me wonder if they connected on another level.
    He invited me for dinner last night but funny enough we spoke about other things and I didn't ask him anything about it.
    Today I have all sorts of things going through my head. What if she would make a move on him ? Will express more interest ?
    I don't know what question can I ask that would give me the answer I need ....
    We are going to see this weekend. I wanted to talk about it. Perhaps find out if there was any history between them. If he sees a possibility to be with her since they understand each other so well.
    I am a mess today.....

  11. #40
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Yikes! You don't seem compatible at all. He seems to need a lot more freedom that you are able to feel comfortable with. However, keep in mind people can have friends and go on vacations without you. You seem much more into him and overly dependent on him. No do not interrogate him in an accusatory innuendo that he suddenly has the hots for a lifelong friend who has her own bf.

    Having this much anxiety and suspicion and ruminating over a simple thing like dinner with a friend may indicate it's time for a check up to rule out physical/neurochemical causes as well as getting a referral to a therapist to help sort out these anxieties. You can switch bfs as much as you want, but you'll chronically have angst unless you address it.
    Originally Posted by irka000
    I woke up concerned thinking that maybe my boyfriend and his female friend will get closer after that dinner.
    Is that possible after 24 years of friendship?
    He is more often than usual on what's app. Maybe they are constantly in touch....
    Can ask him about it ?

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