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Thread: Female friend

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Is this the same guy who disappeared on a solo trip to Thailand a couple months back?

  2. #22
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    "Hey baby"??

    What kind of messed up thought process is that?

    I have had many male friends throughout the years, none of them called me "baby". That's something a boyfriend says, not a so called friend.

  3. #23
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    Irka you say you guys are "good" and closer than ever, meanwhile you feel if you speak up and tell him your "real" feelings, he will conceal it and sneak around?

    I dunno, you're just gonna do what you want to do, so good luck hope it works out.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 06-01-2019 at 04:21 PM.

  4. #24
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    @katrina - Iím not saying Iím right at all. Iím just throwing out another side just in case. This could be what they do. And yeah, maybe itís not dropping someone to suggest they donít meet in the evening but, honestly, Iíd probably find that a bit controlling and, really, itís saying: that thing you do with your friend, you donít get to do that any more and itís because I donít trust you. I donít trust you to be around a woman, even if she is a friend of 24 years.

    As for how I would expect my exclusive gf to feel about that, well, I was that exclusive bf and I was fine with it because I never had a reason to doubt. We spent a huge amount of time together in the early months but were actually pretty slow to bring each other into our respective wider lives (meeting family, friends etc) but thatís just how we were. Just coming with a different experience, I guess.

    If it doesnít feel right, maybe that tells you everything you need to know one way or another.

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  6. #25
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    Greg ,I am very grateful for your input....it's so good to know from a male perspective.
    I am not saying that if I will say I am not ok with them meeting alone in the evening, he will sneak around.
    Men do what they want to do....my concern is that if I will make a noise now ,he will accuse me for lack of trust and next time may not tell me he is meeting her .
    I will observe and see how things will develop first. Maybe it's a catch up once a year or so than it is not so bad. If this will became a regular thing, I would have to check out.

  7. #26
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    @ Greg, it's only controlling if she demands he not see her.

    I would never advise that, he's a grown man, he can do what he wants; she's his gf not his prison warden or worse his mother.

    But she is certainly within her rights to not like it -- not him meeting her, that's perfectly fine, but the Saturday night "date" they planned just the two of them.

    For me, I would voice how I feel about that and then let him decide.

    If he chose to go, I would reconsider dating him, we're clearly not compatible in this regard.

    Again to be clear, meeting is fine, no problem -- coffee, lunch, that would be more "appropriate" imo.

    Something just sounds "off" with scheduling a Saturday night dinner date. I can't even imagine my own bf doing something like that. I mean I could imagine it, he just wouldn't though.

    He sticks to coffee and lunch w female acquaintances, friends and clients.

    Same for me.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 06-01-2019 at 04:25 PM.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    Is this the same guy who disappeared on a solo trip to Thailand a couple months back?
    It must be J, they've been dating 7 months.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I think her asking him to meet up on a Saturday when she knows that you are his g/f is disrespectful to you and your relationship with your b/f. I think your boyfriend accepting the invitation on a Saturday night is disrespectful to you and your relationship with him.

    I see that you've decided to give this situation a "wait and see" approach. Just don't keep investing in a guy and a relationship with him if the disrespect and lack of understanding of how this must make you feel continues.

    Curious: How do you think he would handle you going out on a Saturday night for dinner with one of your male friends?

  10. #29
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Irka you say you guys are "good" and closer than ever, meanwhile you feel if you speak up and tell him your "real" feelings, he will conceal it and sneak around?
    This is what I'm struggling with. I mean, if you're "good" this is pretty simple. Your boyfriend, who you trust and trust has eyes only for you, is going out to dinner with a female friend tonight. Nothing to worry about, or something to have a quick "good" chat with him about.

    But this is not good. Your boyfriend tells you about this dinner and your brain jumps to: Is this a secret friends with benefits? Have they been waiting for the right time to let sparks fly? Is tonight a test for whether I can "handle" him? If I express myself will he just become sneaky instead of listening to me and respecting me?

    Irka, your boyfriend is shady. You know this, we know this. You, dare I say, like this.

    Mind you, by "shady" I don't mean he's a cheat or even a "bad" guy. I mean he keeps a lot of things "in the shade," in compartments, revealing them in ways that keep you off-kilter, that carry a whiff of danger. Did this with the Thailand trip, did this with the woman on your birthday vacay, did this with the thoughts of selling the house, and on and on and on. Does this, even, when it comes to things like affection and feelings, which he seems to toss out like pieces of candy, a little sweetness that soothes and shocks.

    This is how he operates. It works for him. Allows him, I'd imagine, to keep people at a distance or in compartments he has the illusion of control over, to enjoy the power of putting someone on edge and the comfort of never being fully exposed and vulnerable.

    And it works with you. Otherwise you wouldn't reward his shadiness. Repeatedly. You either clam up and swallow down or you kind of lash out, skipping over that place in the middle where you are honest about what you want and how you feel.

    What's that? Well, that's your shadiness. Water seeking its own level. You're not genuine or authentic or vulnerable with him because he's not genuine and authentic and vulnerable with you. In that friction is "mystery" and "heat," and, I suspect, the ever-seductive hope that things will "level off" after this "bump." That you'll find something like sustained safety in the danger. That the vulnerability you routinely feel (that you're on the cusp of getting hurt) will morph into a vulnerability you two share (that you two are becoming singularly close and exposed to each other).

    Now, I assume all that is what you meant by being "crucified."

    I mean, I could easily join Greg in offering you some nuanced words that'll make the next 24 hours more manageable. I could tell you that I've gone to dinner with a female friend, plenty of times, in the 5 months I've been with my girlfriendóbut then, dang it, I'd have to explain that my girlfriend knows this friend well, because I made a point of introducing them early and that we all hang out regularly so it's no big thing, and that I'd never throw something like a Saturday dinner with a woman she's never met at her sideways because (a) I respect the sh*t out of her and what we're building and (b) I just know, in my bones and cells, that her patience for something like that would be next to nil. It's a lot of what I find so attractive about her, which is to say it's where a lot of that respect comes from.

    Katrina said he doesn't respect you. I partly agree, but not fully. I think he respects you exactly as much as you respect yourself, and exactly as much as you respect him. It might be worth considering if you'd like to feel more respect, and be with someone you respect a little more, since after 7 months you've got a pretty good idea of where everything stands on that front. He just reminded you of that, by making these plans, as you reminded him back, by saying nothing while assuming some unsavory things about him.

  11. #30
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    Perhaps that's it's a good description of my situation.
    You see, I thought to pick my battles as if I would be commenting on everything I would be commenting quite often.
    We still getting to know one another and not everything what's normal for him ,it's normal for me.
    Likewise.
    Maybe he didn't introduce me yet to her cause they haven't spoken for some time. As I said I only recently met his male friends.
    Maybe she wanted to speak with him privately about something. I have no idea. I always assume the worst. That's me.
    He texted me early to ask about my plans for tomorrow. I responded and I haven't heard back. He is obviously busy with her.
    I am annoyed cause he always respond to her calls and texts when he is with me. However, looks like their time together is more precious.
    I agree that this woman has no respect for our relationship that she asked him out for Saturday evening. Maybe wanted to check if he will agree or not ?
    I am sad ....as hell.

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